Wasted
Time is gone
Forever wasted on silence
empty words formed inside of the mind and never spoken
Not trying hard enough to bridge the gap
Or to mend the wounds
Fear hurt buried anger
And then it was OVER
DONE
Without a chance to properly say goodbye
Without a last hug or grasping of the hand
I was not there
I did not see
I did not get CLOSURE
Hurt
Lost
Confused
Struggling at times to come to terms with what 41 years meant to her and now to me without her
I have so much I want to tell her
Yet I cannot
DEATH IS FINAL
it really is
I look at her ornaments on my tree
I see her decorations sitting out on her entertainment center and bookshelf
I no longer want to sit in her chair
I long to cry
But the tears will not come
I miss her
I do not know why as my husband likes to point out that we were not close
I want her to see my kids to know my oldest is being a brat but doing well
I would love to go back in time
To make her more of a priority than I did
To forgive sooner To love more
Last year with in laws in and a ball and perceived chaos I pushed her to the back burner. I did get her the picture she asked for, but when it came to her Christmas present I was extremely late. She never saw it. The gift did arrive at her house, but it was too late for her and for me to get the closure I so desperately need. She is GONE
Now I am a lost daughter without a mother who continues to get even more lost because I do not have her there. I guess somewhere along the way the idea of her being gone never truly crossed my mind, not until it was too late.
ONE YEAR
It goes so fast yet so slow
I am sorry Mom for being the not so great daughter who could have tried harder, yet did not
December 16,2018
Dedicated to my Mom Carol Smithson
