Christmas Spirit

Through the PTO I found my Christmas Spirit. I spent much of November and December at the Intermediate School and the Elementary schools that my kids attend.

I watched the kids, the teachers, fellow volunteer moms come in smiling and wearing their Christmas gear. Slowly my mind, then my heart opened up to the idea of actually enjoying Christmas.

This was amazing for me. Previous years I had struggled to muddle through the holiday season. The baking a chore, the decorating pure torture. But this year was different. I wanted to participate. I wanted to dress the part.

I admit, it took a little convincing for me to get my Christmas Tree up before Thanksgiving. And I did, the Monday before we left to travel home for the holiday. I pulled it out of the box only after setting my playlist to Christmas songs. I was in my zone. Then momentary tragedy struck as I was unable to figure out how to get my pre-lit tree to light up. Over an hour later when I am near to tears and ranting on fb, my husband comes home. For him it had been a long day, but still he pulled that tree apart studying each part, and looking over the box. Finally he asks me where the rest of the lights were and through that patience, we figured out that the lights were indeed there, just in the other box.

The next day I began again, a fresh start, well intent on success through my playlist. My kids were eager to join in and we made it happen.

I was quite impressed with my tree. I was actually happy with it. Something I did not feel in 2017 or 2018. Two years! It had really been 2 years since I was happy with my Christmas tree.

As the weeks passed by, I would just sit and stare at my tree and feel tranquil. I even bought a Christmas T shirt, a first for me in a long time. I added a few new ornaments and decorations to my collection.

Now that it is time to roll into the new year, I am ready. My ornaments are all packed away. I organized them according to color. I took great care to pack them up well. While doing this, I realized that this was the first year in awhile that I actually cared how they were packed up. My wonderful husband even agreed to let me buy a second tree, and finally I will have my long dreamed of white Christmas tree. I even purchased four sets of brand new shatter proof ornaments. I find myself ready for the new year, and ready to decorate my two trees.

I have also discovered a new passion of collecting red birds. My husband even commented on this odd new obsession when we at the local big box store and I am trying to hurriedly scan two red bird ornaments that were not on the grocery list. I am sure this is due to my own mother's love of ceramic red birds and my desire to keep her memory close as the years roll on without her.

Happy New Year Everyone!

in memory of Carol L Smithson Rhodes (my dearly departed mom)

Wasted Day

Bright sunshine filtering through closed blinds

The hour is not so early and the mood not so bleak

Climbing out of the bed, leaving the other to stare at a phone

Breakfast cooked first for kids, and still he is a no show.

Checking in, cutting hair, be there soon

The chosen playlist was not a good one,
 not one for cheer but rather introspect.

Early January is not the time to let the flood gate of memories open

This will invite past regrets, words unspoken, broken pride, and self destruction

For always there has been a dark side, pushing against the light that insists in shining

The demons of hell forever baying in the distance, they are waiting for me, and one day they will take me as my resistance to them only weakens with time

I lost her.

I nor her tried harder to mend broken hearts and speak unspoken words.

An uneasy truce based on forgiveness had slowly grown when she left my sister and I behind. I was trying to find a way to reach her. To find the occasional happiness we once shared.

I know I didn't try hard enough to bridge the gap, or attempt to repair that which was broken

And now here I am

Unhappy and bristling at every word spoken by my spouse

I hear only criticism. Maybe his words aren't so harsh as they seem

Today I felt as if I was a big assed bird as my mother used to call me.

I also felt the urge to smash everything that I touched. I wanted to burn everyone around me with words of fire fueled by anger.

I wanted to throw away the plants I love, forget the essential oils I depend upon for calm. Needless to say today they were not sought for the calm

I managed to sour a husbands mood, frighten kids and a dog and still I wanted to destroy everything in my path.

I said all that I did not mean

I rage cleaned.

And that Christmas tree came down. Not as gently as it probably should have, but my sweet daughter intervened and through her questions and commentary I momentarily calmed.

That tree was a sore point for me. I loved looking at it's full branches, seeking out those that belonged to her. The twinkling lights. But time moves forward and Christmas is past as is New Years. And so we move ever so quickly to the anniversary of her passing, which happens to coincide with the time I drop my son off at a 5 month school.

My heart is twisting in grief for her and worry for him. Regret for both and the inability to grasp the good for the churning of the emotions. I am lost without support from the one I share a bed with. According to him I have no reason to be depressed, which I am, or have anxiety.

I listen to him speak and at times it is like nails upon a chalkboard. I know he means well. I know that I would be lost without him. His steady calming presence most of the time. But I think my wild emotions and blazing moments of rage either confuse or scare him, but more likely annoy the hell out of him.

When I look in the mirror I see a body going soft and a weary looking face. Some days are good and I feel like I am a force to be reckoned with, but lately all that I hear is my mother's call "you ain't nothing but a big assed bird" Why am I hearing this over and over? And while I am struggling with the voice ringing in my ears, I hear the call to the kitchen. I often loath the role of a cook, but cook I must and I think on this day I did it, but not well. At least it was better than the burned tacos the night before.

I am so very lost. I want to be there for my son, yet that isn't as much of an option since my spouse and him don't always get along. I try to be a mediator, but it leaves me exhausted. I cannot always be everyone's champion.

A very long walk today after cleaning the house and taking down the Christmas Tree. I envisioned walking away. I had not phone nor ID on me. I could just vanish. That seemed like such a great option. Instead I forced myself to just walk to attempt to walk away the rage. It didn't help much.

Back at home I fell asleep sitting up on the couch. At 6pm I spoke to my husband for the first time in three hours. I am lucky he offered an olive branch. I think by morning all will be well, I hope so anyway.

Be still my wild emotions, give me calm and let there be peace in this house that I tried so hard to destroy today.


January 5, 2019 11:04pm EST