Here we are, Friday the 15th of May. The day it all changed for me was Friday the 13th of March. That was the last day I hosted a get together inside of my house. There was pizza that night. Pizza and ceviche. No pizza was consumed by my family until the very first week of May.
May, it came so fast, but so slowly. Saturday May 2, my husband and I accepted an invite to eat at our neighbors. It was a cookout!!! Like before all the craziness. We ate salsa, we ate grilled Chicken. Oh we laughed! It felt so good, so normal. Just two families sitting on the back patio with the grill going and great food. Conversation, and wine. At 4:30 a.m. I woke up in my bed, dry eyes, the room spinning. I struggled up to go to the bathroom and realized I was fully dressed, had no idea how I walked that short distance home, and my contacts were in. I pulled my contacts out and tossed them into the trash. I almost crawled back to my bed. I woke up two more times, and two more times I thought I was dying. Finally at 8, I retreated to the cooler living room and sat on the couch. As I am looking at my FB, I realize that I missed the loud music and the fireworks. My husband finally makes an appearance and explains to me that at 10pm, I nearly passed out, so he brought me home and went back to the barbeque. He said that our son was home with me and our daughter was living every kid's dream dancing in the firelight and roasting marsh mellows until 1am. when he brought her home. He also heard the fireworks and our attached neighbor was playing the loud music. He also planned a small get together for our son's upcoming birthday.
I spent much of that day recovering and listening to my husband pick on me for drinking two bottles of wine. I truly felt like poo. We sat down and made a plan for this get together. Two families would be invited. Each from our little dead end street. We would have a small piñata. We would serve burgers, hot dogs, and ceviche. I would make desserts, our awesome neighbor would make the cake. The weather turned cold. There was rain. The rain stopped the night before the birthday celebration. The day of was cool, but we were cooking out at 2. Our attached neighbor loaned us their big grill. We borrowed a table and chairs from our neighbor. We did not maintain social distance. The entire celebration was outside. The food was served inside. When it came time for cake, we cut my son's slice and placed the candles on it for him to blow out. It was right on the line of an appropriate celebration. What is normal now? Is this to be the reality? My son's biggest wish next to getting a computer, was to go to Tennessee to celebrate with our families. This could not happen, so we found a happy medium. My son really wanted this special girl that he has been chatting with multiple times a day online to come. I had to call her mom and explain that I could not invite her though I really wanted to. It was so awkward. Anyone who knows me, will know that I am game for all the friends to come and celebrate, but it could not be that way this year. We celebrated late into the night and then came inside and fell into an exhausted heap on the couch. Clean up took place the next day.
Yay! Online school has come to a close. We finished good, I won't say it was a strong finish. The kids and I were done. It was so hard to wake up each day and get going and then stay on task. I felt let down that we never got to go back. It was hard to do a grab and go for belongings. I met with each of the two PTOs and we tied up loose ends. One more meeting and I will no longer be on any PTO board. I am so sad by this. I love being a part of something bigger than I am .
I feel a closer connection to the families on my little dead end street than I do for most of the people I have known the entire time I have been here. As I was driving through a neighborhood doing and auction pick up, it dawned on me that new friendships have been forged. Those that we turned to during this time will be our new rock walls to lean on. Going through this was in some ways harder than facing a deployment or extended field exercise. I miss my life before this. I miss getting up and having a place to be and time to be there. I have worn mascara three times and done my full make up twice. I wear leggings daily, which is mostly normal. I have bought a lot of shoes, shoes that I am sure I won't be wearing anytime soon. Netflix and Hulu show me the outside world as if in a dream. I am not who I was before and I am sure I am not the only one whose very existence has been altered by all of this.
Things are opening up slowly. Some states you can actually eat inside of a restaurant and shop in stores. I do not know how I feel about all of this. Cautious, but also unsure of how to proceed. At which point do I admit that I was a sheep, or was I a sheep? Have I acted out of my own free will or because the Government and the media have directed my actions? What to believe? How can you really know for sure which side is right? Why does there have to be only two ways it can go? I know that I am not fully comfortable returning to normal. I know that the idea of my family moving who knows where this fall terrifies me. I am trying to think positively about going back to school. I mean, I want my kids to go back, but is it the right way for things to move forward? I think that the time for big change is upon us. I told my kids daily pay attention, learn how to use these programs, this is your future. I think that those younger than me, those who have always welcomed more chances to do things online are finally getting their dream come true. Will anyone know how to properly greet people in person? Will they all become socially distant and there be no more community gatherings? What happens to church in a building? I am so confuse about the entire thing. Unlike my husband, I tend to shy away from the media. I don't want to listen to the media picking apart everything that the POTUS says. I mean, he constantly talks to them and says and does things that will only add fuel to the fires. I am tired of conspiracy theories. I just cannot do them anymore. I have read and watched all that is put out. I want to be objective, to know both sides, but to me they are all reaching or grasping for the truth. Only God knows.
I feel even more lost than before. As one of the neighbors was getting his plate he looked to my walls with a small amount of religious pictures. When he asked if it was my husband or I who was religious, I could not even answer. I have truly lost my religion. It has been coming for awhile. Ever since we moved to Fort Drum. I feel God moving further and further away. It is me of course because he does not leave us, but I realized that I am not sad PWOC is finished. I am not sad that I cannot go worship in the church. I am relieved that I can stay in my home and drop the F bomb silently all day long. It is a pathetic existence, but it is my reality.
I think this whole stay at home thing has not been good for me mentally. I have nightmares where I see my daughter shot or where I am about to be killed. I wake myself out crying into my pillow as my husband sleeps next to me. There are days where I cannot get myself to work through it for fear that my mind will fall back into those dreams. Why am I like that? I know, because I am a lost soul. I am one of the lost. I changed my FB name to my middle name. I don't really know why I felt compelled to do this, only that it seemed the right thing to do. So now I am in this weird in between place.
The highlight of my week was when the library announced we could once again check out materials simply by sending and email with our request. It was a glorious moment to pick up new books and turn in the old books.
Mother's day was a great day. We had a picnic in the yard eating the birthday celebration leftovers. We went to the PX and my husband let my daughter pick my present. I was beyond shocked to see the designer handbag. I even offered to take it back. I am now a proud owner of a purse that cost nearly as much as our wedding ring set that I can no longer wear.
We are well. The kids are happy. My daughter outside nearly every day playing with two little boys. My middle son becoming a recluse. Wrapped up in his virtual world with his borrowed computer from the school and his new computer. He chats often with that special girl and I feel as if I know her a tad bit. I have heard him speak more to her in an hour than he does to me in a day. I hear is gleeful laughter and know that it won't be heard outside of his room. Medical is open in our state, so now the official countdown to his corrective ankle surgery is on. The last week of this month we have that, the second week of June he finally gets the final baby teeth pulled. He is scared. I am numb.
My labs were not much worse than pre stay at home, but they weren't any better. I have failed at improving them. With my husband cooking most of the meals due to my inability to care about much after school is finished, I don't have as much control. Add to this the fact that we are limited on the amount of meats we can buy. Then there is the temptation to buy or bake sweets. I am truly doomed.
But for now, I have survived, and my family has survived two months of this new normal. My husband is back to work and we are waiting to see what our next adventure will be.
Be blessed in all that you do
