Life can be so full of the crazy. Crazy can reel you in and make you believe that is your normal.
As each day dawns you are never promised a single moment. Each moment on this earth is a gift, something to be cherished. How you handle this gift is how you will appreciate all that the gift brings into your life.
So many moments are easy to waste. It is so easy to push it into the "in a minute" universe. Then you will show up on the shores of "Maybe tomorrow" and that will set your boat of "maybe some day out to sea." It is important to grasp the moments by the horns and to give the very best to those whom you love.
Children like wildflowers grow at your feet. Cultivating them is the challenge. Their little voices ringing in the air like bells or some cases like screeching birds. Watching them transform from a weed into a gorgeous flower ready to grace the tables of the world. That is a moment of accomplishment.
Often as I sit in the silence of my living room, I catch myself drifting away into a land of dreams. The sound of my kids carries throughout the house, lulling me into contentment. The warms of my little dogs comforting and bringing about lethargic notions of never moving from that spot.
Productivity is not my strong point. It comes and goes, playing tag with procrastination and self doubt. Depression like a storm rolling across the plains often tries to swamp me. I push up from that space and surround myself with friends. Friends online as in person there are none.
This new place is still foreign to me in so many ways. I feel the pull of all that could have been at times. I embrace all that is. Hoping that one day my warm childhood memories of the love I felt in this state, will be the same for my children.
When my Dad came to visit, I felt fulfilled. I also felt the longing of being in Tennessee during the summer. A state I keep in my heart, but Know I most likely will never reside in again. I miss the summer storms and the quiet beside a pool with a book in hand. I miss the familiar streets and the loud neighboring cities.
Here I see beautiful trees and lakes. City mixed with country side. I see angry drivers and grumpy shoppers. I hear my distinct southern drawl flowing forth and the odd stares received in turn. Summer heat is mixed with summer rain and not so hot days with cooler evenings. Where are the lightening bugs?
My world has the potential for vastness but remains smaller. My anxiety is much higher here than any other place we have ever lived. Somedays being out on the roads I feel my body tensed for a collision. My eyes closed tight against the possibility. I long for the confidence of my youth. The ability to remain strong as I slowly become more afraid and anxiety strangles me.
I am my kids first window to the world and I grasp tightly to their hands and pray mightily that I am doing a fair job. I pray that their education, which I alone have handled for nearly a year, is good. I miss my oldest son who prefers not to call. It makes me feel a huge loss and question my ability to mother him. I must have done a lot of things wrong. My husband met most of my family for the first time. Upon getting in the car and setting out for home, he asks my Dad how bad I really used to be. Everyone had told him numerous times that he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. So maybe that is a clue in how far I have grown as an individual and a mom.
Remember in all things to be kind. Spread kindness on the breezes of life.
