Long ago in a small-town pizza business I met you. Alone you sat enjoying the pizza you so loved and there I was with friends who were not long meant to be in my story. Embracing the mystery of you in that moment as teenage hormones were blossoming. Day in and Day out we sought each other out amidst the chaos of a small-town school that we longed to fly free from. The color black our calming flag to freely fly as others donned that awful blue, orange, and white. You saw me through the constant crushes on those too far out of my league or not worthy enough. I watched as teenage love began to flower all around you. While you were experiencing that euphoric happiness I was caught in a spider's web. One that promised all I dreamed of, only asking for my soul. I willingly handed over the best parts of me and watched as they were squashed. The self-confidence I claimed to have merely a cover for the self-loathing burning in my heart. Out into the world I went pretending to be an adult. You too began to live your life and heartache would find you, but from that you would rise. Our paths were parallel, but this spider I had to escape from. The escape came in the form of lies and deceit after sacred vows were exchanged. The ensuing darkness nearly consumed me. Alcohol becoming my saving grace. Down that bottle I jumped finding newer and more unhealthy distractions. You were there to pull me up for air. You were there to hold me when I needed to cry. Again, you found happiness in another and this time it took you to another state. The day you drove away left me broken and lost. Though I am sure I never fully relayed that to you in fear of hurting the one who had your full attention. The path forward was more of confusion. I was lost and struggling to find my identity. I wanted to be so many things, but no idea how to be any of them. Instead, I became what others longed for. Giving them each a piece of me and many times those pieces being tossed aside like garbage. When finally, I saw you, you made it perfectly clear. The truth right before my eyes. I was good at being fake. That fakeness took me through many years of vying for attention in all the wrong places and with all the wrong people. I had a child and you continued to be my support. Thankfully you talked me out of joining the military at a time when it was just a method of running away. Ever so gentle. I watched you grow into yourself. I watched you become the mastermind that you were meant to be. I stayed in my little pond; a lonely big fish too afraid to leave my tiny world. And then one day, I never left, my path had fully diverged from your path. We were separate beings leading separate lives. I am not sure if you ever thought of me. I thought of you many times. Through many big events in my life. A baby born, a wedding, a move, a baby born and so much more. The years ticked by, and I watched your social media. I saw how loved you were by so many; I saw your happiness. I was happy for you, curious about you. Yet never a word did I speak outside of the one question. "Will you go to the high school reunion?" Of course, I wouldn't be there that year. I lived too far away, I was a mom to two small children and a husband in the military. I don't know if you ever went. If it was the blast, you said it would be. Though I lived in the same state as you for a year, not once did I ever reach out. Though I lived mere minutes from your family, I never attempted to contact them. I stayed in my tiny little pond hiding from all that I once was, and all that you once meant to me.
YOU ARE GONE
The air was knocked out of me that Tuesday evening. For the next week I walked through each day in a daze. My heart broken. My mind an evil entity telling me how terrible I was as friend. I didn't even make it back to the memorial. I now hope that wherever you are now, that you know. That somehow you know that I really did love you deeply, in a way that wasn't meant to claim you, but be beside of you. You were someone that I always thought would be there. Selfishly, I thought I could always seek you out whenever I would need to do so. If you are looking down on me, please watch over me and know I am looking forward to our paths crossing again somewhere in the universe or the sands of time.
February 22, 2022
Dedicated to the memory of Isaac Lightburn. One of the few true friends that has ever known me for who I really am.
