Misguided Anger

 

 

Bedtime rolls around, finally the time of day where I can snuggle close to my husband, discuss the day, and sleep. But not tonight, nope it would not be that way. For whatever reason, my husband tells our son that he can sleep with him. Probably more to pick on me than anything, but our daughter was already asleep and he puts our son in our bed, so I know he isn't going quietly into his room.

 

Instantly I'm angry. I could feel the anger rolling through my veins. I couldn't control it, but I did try to reign it in. I wanted to fight, I really did, but with all that we have going on right now I didn't think that was the best approach. So I stated I would be sleeping in our son's bed. My husband thought at first that I must be joking, but I was not. I got ready for bed, grabbed my water bottle and Bible and marched across the hall. He came after me, asking if I was serious. Yep, I am, I'm not sharing a bed with our son. It took us five years to get to a point where it is just us in our bedroom, and I am ready for this chapter of our lives. We need to focus on us more.

 

So I am lying there in the half dark of the kids room and I still feel the anger rolling over me in waves. But it is almost anger and fear. Fear because I am terrified of our marriage ending in divorce. Terrified because I am afraid that once I do this that there will be no going back and our marriage will forever be changed.

 

I started praying, praying for us and our marriage and I started to feel calmer. I slept horrible, our daughter rolled around in her crib making a lot of noise. The room isn't as dark as our room. I couldn't sleep like I do in my own bed. I almost felt like an outsider in my own home.

 

I felt so in the wrong for being angry at this situation. How could I deny our son the time of him and just his father? So I caved and felt angry. The anger is what disturbed me the most. I ended up praying for my sin in being angry and I prayed for forgiveness for being a selfish wife and mother and not putting the needs of my family first. I prayed for forgiveness for possibly worshiping my husband and my marriage as an idol.

 

So here it is the next day and I am typing out what happened and I decided to use my Bible to find verses that would go along with how I felt.

 

Here are a few:

 

Proverbs 21: 9 it is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.

 

Proverbs 21:19 It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

 

Proverbs 21:26 He coveteth greedily all the day long: but the righteous giveth and spareth not.

 

Proverbs 27:15 A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.

 

Ephesians 4: 31-32 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

 

Ephesians 4:26 Be ye angry and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: 27) Neither give place to the devil.

 

And on the idol, here is Exodus 20:3 Thou shalt have no other gods before me

 

The devil almost got me last night, but instead of giving in to the anger I bowed my head  in prayer and prayed hard. I prayed until the anger and the doubt gave way to the Lord's calming touch.

 

Hang onto your marriages, don't let satan get in. He will try so very hard for it is his desire to see marriages fall apart.

 



Good Morning Bible Reading

This morning I woke up around 2 a.m. I tossed and turned for two hours waiting for my husband's alarm to go off so that I could finally get up and read. Once I finally got up and turned on the lights I noticed a post on my facebook feed about reading James, so that is exactly what I did.

Here are some of the verses that stood out for me, maybe someone somewhere will also find a message in them, or maybe they too will be drawn to read the book of James and find a message meant for them.

I read from the KJV and all my verses are quoted from there.

James 1:12 Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him. 13) Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: 14)But every man is tempted when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. 15)Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. 16) Do not err, my beloved brethren.

James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.

James 1:19 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: 20) For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. 21) Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls.

James 2:20 But wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead?

James 2:26 For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also

James 3:5 Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth! 6) And the tongue is a fire a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell. 7) For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind: 8) But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. 9) Therewith bless we God, even he Father, and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God. 10) Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.

James 4:2 Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not. 3) Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lust. 4) Ye adulterers, and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be friend of the world is the enemy of God.

James 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8) Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands ye sinners; and purify your hearts ye double minded. 9) Be afflicted and mourn and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to heaviness. 10) Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.

James 4:11 Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge. 12) There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another?

James 5: 7 Be patient therefore, brethren, unto the coming of the Lord. Behold, the husbandman waitheth for the precious fruit of the earth, and hath long patience for it, until he receive the early and latter rain. 8) Be ye also patient; stablish your hearts: for the coming of the Lord, draweth nigh.

James 5:19 Brethren, if any of you do err from the truth, and one convert him; 20) Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death, and shall hide a multitude of sins.

Where it all began

Once upon a time,
                                    I was an angry teenage girl who just so happened to be able to write odd, often disturbing poetry type things. There were so many different types of things, mostly about suicide and jilted lovers and things such as that. But one day it was all destroyed and on that day just as the writings were tossed into the dumpster, so was the majority of an identity.

I have grown eons since that time. I once again began writing. But this time the material was far darker than before. And again to cleanse myself of a negative past I tossed it all out.

Now I am a much older woman. Married and a mom of three instead of a single mom of one. Each day is a new challenge. There are days where no matter how bright the sun shines, I feel as if I am surrounded by darkness.

I go to church every Sunday. I read my Bible every night. I read the kids Bible Stories. I hold God closely in my heart, but satan, ah that pesky demon fights to gain control of my soul almost daily. What I write here will often be just ramblings, but may also be that dark struggle deep within my soul.

So to be fair, here it is, my soul laid bare, my thoughts out in the open. It is the only way to free myself.

I was born in Millington Tennessee and at some point when I was very small my family moved to Cherry Point North Carolina, and then back to Memphis Tennessee. I have fond memories of life before coming to Dickson Tennessee.

But the darkness started moving in once we got to Dickson. I was just a little girl, but so many of the kids already hated me. For whatever reason I was different and always stood out. I was often made fun of and remember the kids even throwing me a going away party at one point.

So fast forward all the way to sixth grade. The worst grade for me. My dear (mentally disturbed) mother decided that this would be the year for me to have short hair. This was also the year I became a young lady. But she didn't let us take a lot of baths so I smelled awful. I learned this year that I was an ugly girl. That everyone hated me and that the harder I tried to fit in the less I would. I watched as the beautiful on the outside girls would draw before and after pictures of me. I listened as they picked apart every inch of my being, from my hair down to my hand me down clothes.

By seventh grade I was discovered by the school bully and she made my life hell for the next three years. I also became even more of an outcast because over the summer nearly half the popular people had lost their virginity. I didn't really know a lot about a sex, just what I had read from V.C.Andrews books, and I think it was seventh grade when I picked up Harlequin romances.

So needless to say I was the ugly girl. But by eighth  grade I had become comfortable with my awkwardness and found others who accepted me for who I was. I discovered heavy metal music and fell head over heals in love with the drummer from the band Slaughter. I loved to wear all black and sometimes would mix it up by wearing grey socks. I began writing in ninth grade and this was when I found release.

I let the words take me over and would let them flow freely onto the paper. I loved black ink and black spiral notebooks. I loved to shock people with my words. I dreamed of becoming a writer one day.

And then my Senior year, where I thought I had found my true love. The next two years were a huge growing experience for me. I experienced the joy of a wedding and the pain of a divorce.  I was still young, and often times given to angry outbursts of raging temper. There were many ups and downs and things to learn. Because of this path, I came to know Jesus. I will never forget sitting there in the passion play and hearing God's call and knowing that it was for me.

I gave my life fully to God and I felt free. I remember the day I was Baptized and how I felt like I was floating. I read the Bible cover to cover for the first time ever. I was on fire for God. But then we separated and later divorced and I thought I was a failure. I was losing myself. I couldn't believe that I was only 20 and already being pushed aside for another. I didn't know at that time that this was not the path meant for us. It took years of heartache and soul searching to know that God had different plans for each of us.  At this time in my life I was not a fully confident and independent young woman, I stopped going to church rather than find a new church. And somehow I became the exact opposite of who I used to be.

I began the slippery descent into backsliding against God. I let alcohol take over my soul and I drank a lot. I could drink Vodka like it was water. I did stupid things. And the more I drank the further from the light I found myself. I ended up with a sweet baby boy, but even he wasn't enough to save me from the darkness. For nearly seven years that sweet baby boy had to compete with the demons that had a grip on my soul. I could give him only so much of myself, because I was lost. Searching for something that I couldn't find, and never once considering the option that I knew would save me.

I just kept sliding further into the darkness.

But then one day the guy who mowed my lawn started talking to me about God. But you know what? I knew God, he was once my friend and I had turned my back on him. So long story short, I went to his church and I gave my life back to God. I was even more on fire for God. And this time I could hear him speaking to me. The pieces were coming together and parts of the master plan were becoming clear to me.

So I managed to stay on the straight and narrow for several months before I slipped up, it took me nearly another year to get back on track. It has always been temptation that brings me to the lowest. I am so weak where temptation is concerned. But now that I am much older, I have learned to move on and not let temptation take me down. Many wonder why I don't drink, I can't that is a demon that will devour my soul if I give it so much as a sip. Now in all honesty I have finally gotten to a point where I can share a very rare glass of wine with my husband. But never ever without him.

I nearly died from complications due to kidney stones. They caused a major infection in my body. But it was while I was in that hospital all but giving up that I heard God and I heard him tell me to get it together because this was my last chance. I knew while I was lying there hopeless, that the man I had recently met, he was meant for me. That despite the odds stacked against us, we were going to be together. Now five years later and two kids, we have a stronger than ever bond.

 I  married the man of my dreams and had two very beautiful children and moved across the country. I have seen the power of prayer work in so many different ways. And those are stories I am sure I will share as time goes on.

So this is just a tiny look into what brings me to where I am today. As someone just told me my Test is now my Testimony, my Mess has become his message. God will show me how best to help those who are going through things I once went through.

Give God the Glory in all things.