Where it all began

Once upon a time,
                                    I was an angry teenage girl who just so happened to be able to write odd, often disturbing poetry type things. There were so many different types of things, mostly about suicide and jilted lovers and things such as that. But one day it was all destroyed and on that day just as the writings were tossed into the dumpster, so was the majority of an identity.

I have grown eons since that time. I once again began writing. But this time the material was far darker than before. And again to cleanse myself of a negative past I tossed it all out.

Now I am a much older woman. Married and a mom of three instead of a single mom of one. Each day is a new challenge. There are days where no matter how bright the sun shines, I feel as if I am surrounded by darkness.

I go to church every Sunday. I read my Bible every night. I read the kids Bible Stories. I hold God closely in my heart, but satan, ah that pesky demon fights to gain control of my soul almost daily. What I write here will often be just ramblings, but may also be that dark struggle deep within my soul.

So to be fair, here it is, my soul laid bare, my thoughts out in the open. It is the only way to free myself.

I was born in Millington Tennessee and at some point when I was very small my family moved to Cherry Point North Carolina, and then back to Memphis Tennessee. I have fond memories of life before coming to Dickson Tennessee.

But the darkness started moving in once we got to Dickson. I was just a little girl, but so many of the kids already hated me. For whatever reason I was different and always stood out. I was often made fun of and remember the kids even throwing me a going away party at one point.

So fast forward all the way to sixth grade. The worst grade for me. My dear (mentally disturbed) mother decided that this would be the year for me to have short hair. This was also the year I became a young lady. But she didn't let us take a lot of baths so I smelled awful. I learned this year that I was an ugly girl. That everyone hated me and that the harder I tried to fit in the less I would. I watched as the beautiful on the outside girls would draw before and after pictures of me. I listened as they picked apart every inch of my being, from my hair down to my hand me down clothes.

By seventh grade I was discovered by the school bully and she made my life hell for the next three years. I also became even more of an outcast because over the summer nearly half the popular people had lost their virginity. I didn't really know a lot about a sex, just what I had read from V.C.Andrews books, and I think it was seventh grade when I picked up Harlequin romances.

So needless to say I was the ugly girl. But by eighth  grade I had become comfortable with my awkwardness and found others who accepted me for who I was. I discovered heavy metal music and fell head over heals in love with the drummer from the band Slaughter. I loved to wear all black and sometimes would mix it up by wearing grey socks. I began writing in ninth grade and this was when I found release.

I let the words take me over and would let them flow freely onto the paper. I loved black ink and black spiral notebooks. I loved to shock people with my words. I dreamed of becoming a writer one day.

And then my Senior year, where I thought I had found my true love. The next two years were a huge growing experience for me. I experienced the joy of a wedding and the pain of a divorce.  I was still young, and often times given to angry outbursts of raging temper. There were many ups and downs and things to learn. Because of this path, I came to know Jesus. I will never forget sitting there in the passion play and hearing God's call and knowing that it was for me.

I gave my life fully to God and I felt free. I remember the day I was Baptized and how I felt like I was floating. I read the Bible cover to cover for the first time ever. I was on fire for God. But then we separated and later divorced and I thought I was a failure. I was losing myself. I couldn't believe that I was only 20 and already being pushed aside for another. I didn't know at that time that this was not the path meant for us. It took years of heartache and soul searching to know that God had different plans for each of us.  At this time in my life I was not a fully confident and independent young woman, I stopped going to church rather than find a new church. And somehow I became the exact opposite of who I used to be.

I began the slippery descent into backsliding against God. I let alcohol take over my soul and I drank a lot. I could drink Vodka like it was water. I did stupid things. And the more I drank the further from the light I found myself. I ended up with a sweet baby boy, but even he wasn't enough to save me from the darkness. For nearly seven years that sweet baby boy had to compete with the demons that had a grip on my soul. I could give him only so much of myself, because I was lost. Searching for something that I couldn't find, and never once considering the option that I knew would save me.

I just kept sliding further into the darkness.

But then one day the guy who mowed my lawn started talking to me about God. But you know what? I knew God, he was once my friend and I had turned my back on him. So long story short, I went to his church and I gave my life back to God. I was even more on fire for God. And this time I could hear him speaking to me. The pieces were coming together and parts of the master plan were becoming clear to me.

So I managed to stay on the straight and narrow for several months before I slipped up, it took me nearly another year to get back on track. It has always been temptation that brings me to the lowest. I am so weak where temptation is concerned. But now that I am much older, I have learned to move on and not let temptation take me down. Many wonder why I don't drink, I can't that is a demon that will devour my soul if I give it so much as a sip. Now in all honesty I have finally gotten to a point where I can share a very rare glass of wine with my husband. But never ever without him.

I nearly died from complications due to kidney stones. They caused a major infection in my body. But it was while I was in that hospital all but giving up that I heard God and I heard him tell me to get it together because this was my last chance. I knew while I was lying there hopeless, that the man I had recently met, he was meant for me. That despite the odds stacked against us, we were going to be together. Now five years later and two kids, we have a stronger than ever bond.

 I  married the man of my dreams and had two very beautiful children and moved across the country. I have seen the power of prayer work in so many different ways. And those are stories I am sure I will share as time goes on.

So this is just a tiny look into what brings me to where I am today. As someone just told me my Test is now my Testimony, my Mess has become his message. God will show me how best to help those who are going through things I once went through.

Give God the Glory in all things.