Sunday at Church we had a sermon about listening, truly listening not just saying things to make the other person listen. How many of us really listen to what is being said to us? I have to admit I am guilty of this when my kids speak. Even my husband is learning as our son begins to speak more and more that he needs to really listen. For instance my son said "Yea time to play Poppy's phone" and my husband not really listening, (keep in mind our son has a bit of a speech delay so it hasn't always been clear what he is saying) and my husband responds with "Yes" so guess who had to hand over his phone for the little one to play games?
Here is the scriptural path that we took on Sunday, maybe there is a message in there for you too.
The pastor started with James 1:19-21 19) Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: Which means listen closely to what is said and then quite possibly you will hear the entire message and there will be no need to be angry. This is often hard to do when you communicate via text messages and Facebook, because body language and tone cannot be read through a message it must be experienced first hand. 20) For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God, this is explained in my Bible this way: Trials require silence and patience because talk inflames anger, and anger inflames talk. Anger also distracts from listening to God. 21) Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls.
We then moved over to Ephesians 4 starting with 14) That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive. We must continue to grow into the word in order to keep from being swayed by false doctrine. There is a lot of that out there especially with the internet. 15) But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ.
Proverbs 15: 1) A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. You can remove anger from the equation by a gentle response, knowledge as a heated response it will fuel the flame. 2)The tongue of the wise useth, Knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness. 3) The eyes of the Lord are in every place, beholding the evil and the good. 4) A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit. Be kind to those around you. Try to be patient with others even as they annoy you. I will be the first to say that this is very hard to do. I find it nearly impossible to deal with people who work in fast food restaurants this is one area I pray that the Lord will convict me and help me to be a much better and nicer person. Also having to deal with the referral department for our insurance is a major stumbling block for keeping my anger in check.
Ephesians 5:33) Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. This can be achieved by each partner agreeing to love the other through the good and the bad. I get a lot of negative feedback when people find out that I talk to my husband about everything. We make all decisions both the big and the small together. Each day I tell him what the kids and I will be up to. Since his work days are pretty much the same day to day he doesn't always explain unless it is a deviation from the norm. Every night over dinner we discuss our days and things coming up. We are a team.
Luke 6:45)A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.
I hope that you enjoy reading these scriptures and that maybe they will also speak to you. I enjoy sharing the scriptures that I hear in Church along with other things going on in my life. I am trying to be a better Christian, Wife, Mother, Daughter, sister and the list goes on. One day I pray that I can minister to other young believers the way that so many others have ministered to me. May peace be with each of you
Monday, July 28, 2014
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Confirmation
It all began so slowly, the little pieces sliding into place one at a time. I didn't see it coming at first, I just knew the rumblings of change were upon me.
The past few Sunday's at church they had been going in depth on a sermon called Home Improvement. They covered pretty much all of Ephesians Chapter 5. We went through the ways of a believer which are as follows 1) Be ye therefore as followers of God, as dear children 2) And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for sweet-smelling savor. Then it got down to the meat of the sermon 3) But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not once be named among you, as becometh Saints. 4) Neither filthiness nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks. And That was a focus point, the giving of thanks. How many of really Thank God for everything? For the house the food, the rough day at work? In all things we are to give thanks.
The next part is one of my personal favorites as it addresses more of our actions. Ephesians 5:6) Let no man deceive you with vain words; for because of these things cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience. 7)Be not ye therefore partakers with them. 8) For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of the light. 9) For the Fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and righteousness and truth; 10) Proving what is acceptable unto the Lord. So basically if you look at your life, what you watch or listen to or who you hang out with, is this something that would embarrass you should the Lord return at the very moment? Even I am guilty of this. I love music, I love the way it makes me feel, and though I try to filter out the worst of it, I'm sure it doesn't necessarily fall into the category of "keeping my eyes on the Lord" The same with movies and television shows. Now as for people and vain words, have you seen facebook lately?
They did an entire sermon on the next few also. Ephesians 5:11) And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them. 12) For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret. (Whew we all have quite a few secrets don't we?) 13) But all things that are reproved are made manifest by the light: for whatsoever doth make manifest is light.
I love how the next two are worded, they give you hope when you have been stumbling around in the darkness. Ephesians 14) Wherefore he saith, Awake thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light. 15) See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise. I have been struggling with finding my place back in the Lord's fold. Of hearing the Lord's voice again. I have been praying everyday to see the light yet again, and there I was in church hearing the words relating to all that was being said and drowning.
So then one Sunday I hear the sermon from Ephesians 4:20) But ye have not so learned Christ; 210 if so be that ye have heard him, and have been taught by him, as the truth is in Jesus: 22) That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; 23) And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; 24) and that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. Ah it was all coming together, I was nearing the point where I wanted to brush aside all of the cobwebs in my mind. The ones that are restraining me, trapping me in a horrid Memory Lane. I don't want to be there anymore.
And see I have also been struggling with what type of mother I was to my oldest son, that my sins interfered with his early childhood. My sins that turned me into a crazy person. One that lusted after men, after popularity, after being the best at whatever I was pursuing that moment. I gave my all to everything but God and my son and this has been eating me alive.
So needless to say Ephesians 4: 25) Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbors for we are members of one another. This was the opening to the marriage sermon. Can you function without one appendage on your body? Well you should think of your partner just like this. And when things get rocky remember Ephesians 4:26) Be ye Angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath. 27) Neither give place to the devil. And this was brought into the family relationships which brings me to another toxic place in my past. At this point I knew where God was taking this.
Starting with Ephesians 29) it got more in depth and it is as follows: Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. 30) And grieve not the hold Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. 31) Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice. 32) And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
I need a lot of help with this. I need to find my way out of the darkness that has been trying to overcome me for years. Finally I am ready to embark upon this journey. I know the end result will be the inner peace I have been searching for. The harmony that I need to encompass all parts of my marriage. There are areas that I struggle with and areas that I excel at.
I end with this, if you read any of these scriptures and they speak to you the way they did to me, then heed God's call just as I am doing.
MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL
The past few Sunday's at church they had been going in depth on a sermon called Home Improvement. They covered pretty much all of Ephesians Chapter 5. We went through the ways of a believer which are as follows 1) Be ye therefore as followers of God, as dear children 2) And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for sweet-smelling savor. Then it got down to the meat of the sermon 3) But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not once be named among you, as becometh Saints. 4) Neither filthiness nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks. And That was a focus point, the giving of thanks. How many of really Thank God for everything? For the house the food, the rough day at work? In all things we are to give thanks.
The next part is one of my personal favorites as it addresses more of our actions. Ephesians 5:6) Let no man deceive you with vain words; for because of these things cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience. 7)Be not ye therefore partakers with them. 8) For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of the light. 9) For the Fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and righteousness and truth; 10) Proving what is acceptable unto the Lord. So basically if you look at your life, what you watch or listen to or who you hang out with, is this something that would embarrass you should the Lord return at the very moment? Even I am guilty of this. I love music, I love the way it makes me feel, and though I try to filter out the worst of it, I'm sure it doesn't necessarily fall into the category of "keeping my eyes on the Lord" The same with movies and television shows. Now as for people and vain words, have you seen facebook lately?
They did an entire sermon on the next few also. Ephesians 5:11) And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them. 12) For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret. (Whew we all have quite a few secrets don't we?) 13) But all things that are reproved are made manifest by the light: for whatsoever doth make manifest is light.
I love how the next two are worded, they give you hope when you have been stumbling around in the darkness. Ephesians 14) Wherefore he saith, Awake thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light. 15) See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise. I have been struggling with finding my place back in the Lord's fold. Of hearing the Lord's voice again. I have been praying everyday to see the light yet again, and there I was in church hearing the words relating to all that was being said and drowning.
So then one Sunday I hear the sermon from Ephesians 4:20) But ye have not so learned Christ; 210 if so be that ye have heard him, and have been taught by him, as the truth is in Jesus: 22) That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; 23) And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; 24) and that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. Ah it was all coming together, I was nearing the point where I wanted to brush aside all of the cobwebs in my mind. The ones that are restraining me, trapping me in a horrid Memory Lane. I don't want to be there anymore.
And see I have also been struggling with what type of mother I was to my oldest son, that my sins interfered with his early childhood. My sins that turned me into a crazy person. One that lusted after men, after popularity, after being the best at whatever I was pursuing that moment. I gave my all to everything but God and my son and this has been eating me alive.
So needless to say Ephesians 4: 25) Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbors for we are members of one another. This was the opening to the marriage sermon. Can you function without one appendage on your body? Well you should think of your partner just like this. And when things get rocky remember Ephesians 4:26) Be ye Angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath. 27) Neither give place to the devil. And this was brought into the family relationships which brings me to another toxic place in my past. At this point I knew where God was taking this.
Starting with Ephesians 29) it got more in depth and it is as follows: Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. 30) And grieve not the hold Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. 31) Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice. 32) And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
I need a lot of help with this. I need to find my way out of the darkness that has been trying to overcome me for years. Finally I am ready to embark upon this journey. I know the end result will be the inner peace I have been searching for. The harmony that I need to encompass all parts of my marriage. There are areas that I struggle with and areas that I excel at.
I end with this, if you read any of these scriptures and they speak to you the way they did to me, then heed God's call just as I am doing.
MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL
Friday, July 11, 2014
The Sins of a Mother
It is November 1999, I am on top of my game, or so I think. I have a decent job in a factory, I'm finally making my truck payments on my own. I live with my Dad. I smoke, and I love to smoke! Camel Lights a pack and half a day. During the week I keep a low profile. Work is early in the morning and by afternoon I'm exhausted. The weekends are mine. I love to party. I love men. Oh yea, I got it going on, or so I think.
My Mom gets a new neighbor and wouldn't you know it's a cop, an older cop, but not so bad. He has parties and he invites me over. So in addition to my Friday night margarita night, I go to his place. Needless to say I am not thinking clearly, not at all. I am all caught up in the uniform and the appearance of possible money.
I make a huge mistake by going to his place one afternoon, and just after it all begins he realizes what he has done, because he has a daughter just a few years younger than me. But at that time I was fair game. I just wanted to be loved.
So anyway I am pregnant. I am frantically trying to figure out if there is a way out of this situation. How can I possibly tell my father? How can I even consider keeping this baby? So I pray hard to God, I ask him to help me, to show me, and sure enough I am still pregnant.
I am still smoking, I am still drinking, I am hiding this secret from all but a few close friends. I am ashamed of myself. How could this happen now, after the divorce? How could this happen when I am finally beginning a new life. I have been trying to keep my partying down to the weekends, trying to do the right thing, and now this.
So I ended up getting morning sickness pretty bad. It stayed with me all day and most of the night. I drank a lot of slushies', ate a lot of crackers, I puked a lot. I puked so much and just about everywhere. I was beginning to recognize toilet brands and who had what brand. It was horrible. Because I was still smoking, I got a horrible sinus infection. I finally quit smoking at just about the three month mark. By this time I am no longer employed at the factory, instead I am working at a McDonalds. Still living with my Dad, not paying my bills.
My father and I are at odds over this. Mostly over what I wanted to name the baby and my irresponsibility that landed me in this situation. Though it was not the highlight of our relationship, I can say that for the most part he was there for me.
Where was the baby's father? Well he was long gone. He told me that this was not, could not be his baby. After all I was known to have quite the male following.
So I end up delivering a beautiful baby boy on a sunny July Day. He was so cute, and he looked like his Dad. I remember when I went into labor and this feeling of dread overcame me. The feeling that nothing will ever be the same and my life was now changed forever.
I brought this beautiful baby home with me, I have decided to formula feed him. When asked if I would breast feed I said no, and nothing more was ever said. No one tried to explain to me the benefits of breast feeding. I count that has my first injustice to my son.
So my baby cries and cries and cries and cries some more. I have no clue as to what I should do with him. I am stressed, I am tired, and I am angry. I am angry at him, at my situation, at the world. My mom was a huge help to me by coming to hold him. By letting me stay with her and helping me through the nights. This baby was up every two hours.
I loved him so very much, but I was still clinging to the hope that I could be normal again. That I could hang out with my friends that I could go places without my baby. My mom made this possible and before I knew it I was partying again. Smoking and drinking and living the high life.
It got worse from here. It started as one innocent party then it went into becoming a bar fly. This was the pattern for nearly seven years. I loved my baby boy. I tried to give him everything that he could possibly want and more, but the one thing I could not give him was all of my heart.
I would sleep off hangovers on the floor next to him. I would go places with him and my Dad hung over or counting down the hours until I would be free. I gave so much to others, but not enough to him.
As he grew, he became sullen and sometimes angry. But there again he was living in a volatile situation. Things were not rosy between my Mom and I. We fought all of the time. Rages with throwing things and swearing. It was a battlefield.
By the time he was nearly seven, I had grabbed onto a lifeline and was slowly pulling myself back to sanity. We were going to church, I wasn't drinking, I was trying to quit smoking. My Mom had moved out of state, so for the first time in nearly four years I was without my primary babysitter. The downside was my sister moved in with us. She too had her own demons and was also expecting a baby.
We fought a lot. To this day my Son still talks about the argument where my sister threw a laundry basket at our dog. I was trying to turn over a new leaf, I was trying to make up for all that I had done. And somehow out of the darkness I met the man that would save us all.
So I am now pregnant, and married and my son is struggling to find his place in all of this change. I tell myself I am being supportive, but was I? It was hard on all of us. He was trying to find his place with a new father figure and a new baby. But somehow we made it work. It was an uneasy truce between him and my new husband.
And then my husband leaves for basic training nearly two years after coming into our lives. It is now my son, my baby, and me. I am trying to continue working. I am beyond stressed, I miss my husband, and my son is so unhappy. It was like a constant hurricane was blowing against our lives. I finally quit my job so that I could be a full time mom, because my oldest needed me and my youngest was starting to show signs of needing special services.
This time proves to be a turning point in our relationship. We are looking forward to the future, but neither my son nor I know if it will all work out. It didn't. Right before we were getting ready to pull up stakes and move to my husband's first duty station, I send my son to stay with his Dad for a week. I never get him back.
On a rainy Thursday afternoon, when I am sick and stressed and trying to get things in order for the move, I hear a knock on my door. I am being served custody papers that state that if I leave or I take my son out of the state I would lose custody.
My world fell apart, my heart stopped beating for several minutes. The moment I had always feared, always known would come to pass was now here. I tried so hard on that beautiful sunny Friday to find a lawyer who could help me. But I was cornered. I was expecting another child, I had my middle son who needed therapy services, which had all been stopped as we awaited our moving date, and my husband needed the car that I had, it was our only car. Everything was ready to be moved on the following Tuesday. The lawyers didn't want to touch my case because I had unknowingly broken the law by telling my son's father verbally that I was moving, not giving him a 6o day notarized written letter. Finally one lawyer broke it down to me that if my son's father was his client he would have advised him to let me move our son and then make the move. It was a horrible day.
Late that Friday afternoon I walked into a lawyer's office sobbing and signed the paperwork. The staff was rude to me. They were judging me without knowing the full story. I got to see my son that weekend and on Monday night I had to take him back to his Dad's house.
For two years now I get to see him for a few weeks a year. Luckily in 2013 I had the opportunity to return to my home state and spend almost a year there and I had my son a lot. But our relationship isn't the same. We don't know each other like we did. We try to call everyday, but it doesn't always work out.
Every time I see my son he tells me how his Dad says this or that about me or the situation. I hold my peace. I finally told him that he had my maiden name until he was nearly three years old. But I want to make sure that he never hears me speak ill of his Dad, let his Dad say what he will.
Tell your children as they are growing to make wise decisions. The only victim in this situation is my son. All his life he has belonged to two families and it has been really hard on him to figure out where he belongs.
My Mom gets a new neighbor and wouldn't you know it's a cop, an older cop, but not so bad. He has parties and he invites me over. So in addition to my Friday night margarita night, I go to his place. Needless to say I am not thinking clearly, not at all. I am all caught up in the uniform and the appearance of possible money.
I make a huge mistake by going to his place one afternoon, and just after it all begins he realizes what he has done, because he has a daughter just a few years younger than me. But at that time I was fair game. I just wanted to be loved.
So anyway I am pregnant. I am frantically trying to figure out if there is a way out of this situation. How can I possibly tell my father? How can I even consider keeping this baby? So I pray hard to God, I ask him to help me, to show me, and sure enough I am still pregnant.
I am still smoking, I am still drinking, I am hiding this secret from all but a few close friends. I am ashamed of myself. How could this happen now, after the divorce? How could this happen when I am finally beginning a new life. I have been trying to keep my partying down to the weekends, trying to do the right thing, and now this.
So I ended up getting morning sickness pretty bad. It stayed with me all day and most of the night. I drank a lot of slushies', ate a lot of crackers, I puked a lot. I puked so much and just about everywhere. I was beginning to recognize toilet brands and who had what brand. It was horrible. Because I was still smoking, I got a horrible sinus infection. I finally quit smoking at just about the three month mark. By this time I am no longer employed at the factory, instead I am working at a McDonalds. Still living with my Dad, not paying my bills.
My father and I are at odds over this. Mostly over what I wanted to name the baby and my irresponsibility that landed me in this situation. Though it was not the highlight of our relationship, I can say that for the most part he was there for me.
Where was the baby's father? Well he was long gone. He told me that this was not, could not be his baby. After all I was known to have quite the male following.
So I end up delivering a beautiful baby boy on a sunny July Day. He was so cute, and he looked like his Dad. I remember when I went into labor and this feeling of dread overcame me. The feeling that nothing will ever be the same and my life was now changed forever.
I brought this beautiful baby home with me, I have decided to formula feed him. When asked if I would breast feed I said no, and nothing more was ever said. No one tried to explain to me the benefits of breast feeding. I count that has my first injustice to my son.
So my baby cries and cries and cries and cries some more. I have no clue as to what I should do with him. I am stressed, I am tired, and I am angry. I am angry at him, at my situation, at the world. My mom was a huge help to me by coming to hold him. By letting me stay with her and helping me through the nights. This baby was up every two hours.
I loved him so very much, but I was still clinging to the hope that I could be normal again. That I could hang out with my friends that I could go places without my baby. My mom made this possible and before I knew it I was partying again. Smoking and drinking and living the high life.
It got worse from here. It started as one innocent party then it went into becoming a bar fly. This was the pattern for nearly seven years. I loved my baby boy. I tried to give him everything that he could possibly want and more, but the one thing I could not give him was all of my heart.
I would sleep off hangovers on the floor next to him. I would go places with him and my Dad hung over or counting down the hours until I would be free. I gave so much to others, but not enough to him.
As he grew, he became sullen and sometimes angry. But there again he was living in a volatile situation. Things were not rosy between my Mom and I. We fought all of the time. Rages with throwing things and swearing. It was a battlefield.
By the time he was nearly seven, I had grabbed onto a lifeline and was slowly pulling myself back to sanity. We were going to church, I wasn't drinking, I was trying to quit smoking. My Mom had moved out of state, so for the first time in nearly four years I was without my primary babysitter. The downside was my sister moved in with us. She too had her own demons and was also expecting a baby.
We fought a lot. To this day my Son still talks about the argument where my sister threw a laundry basket at our dog. I was trying to turn over a new leaf, I was trying to make up for all that I had done. And somehow out of the darkness I met the man that would save us all.
So I am now pregnant, and married and my son is struggling to find his place in all of this change. I tell myself I am being supportive, but was I? It was hard on all of us. He was trying to find his place with a new father figure and a new baby. But somehow we made it work. It was an uneasy truce between him and my new husband.
And then my husband leaves for basic training nearly two years after coming into our lives. It is now my son, my baby, and me. I am trying to continue working. I am beyond stressed, I miss my husband, and my son is so unhappy. It was like a constant hurricane was blowing against our lives. I finally quit my job so that I could be a full time mom, because my oldest needed me and my youngest was starting to show signs of needing special services.
This time proves to be a turning point in our relationship. We are looking forward to the future, but neither my son nor I know if it will all work out. It didn't. Right before we were getting ready to pull up stakes and move to my husband's first duty station, I send my son to stay with his Dad for a week. I never get him back.
On a rainy Thursday afternoon, when I am sick and stressed and trying to get things in order for the move, I hear a knock on my door. I am being served custody papers that state that if I leave or I take my son out of the state I would lose custody.
My world fell apart, my heart stopped beating for several minutes. The moment I had always feared, always known would come to pass was now here. I tried so hard on that beautiful sunny Friday to find a lawyer who could help me. But I was cornered. I was expecting another child, I had my middle son who needed therapy services, which had all been stopped as we awaited our moving date, and my husband needed the car that I had, it was our only car. Everything was ready to be moved on the following Tuesday. The lawyers didn't want to touch my case because I had unknowingly broken the law by telling my son's father verbally that I was moving, not giving him a 6o day notarized written letter. Finally one lawyer broke it down to me that if my son's father was his client he would have advised him to let me move our son and then make the move. It was a horrible day.
Late that Friday afternoon I walked into a lawyer's office sobbing and signed the paperwork. The staff was rude to me. They were judging me without knowing the full story. I got to see my son that weekend and on Monday night I had to take him back to his Dad's house.
For two years now I get to see him for a few weeks a year. Luckily in 2013 I had the opportunity to return to my home state and spend almost a year there and I had my son a lot. But our relationship isn't the same. We don't know each other like we did. We try to call everyday, but it doesn't always work out.
Every time I see my son he tells me how his Dad says this or that about me or the situation. I hold my peace. I finally told him that he had my maiden name until he was nearly three years old. But I want to make sure that he never hears me speak ill of his Dad, let his Dad say what he will.
Tell your children as they are growing to make wise decisions. The only victim in this situation is my son. All his life he has belonged to two families and it has been really hard on him to figure out where he belongs.
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