It's a secret that many, in fact most people do not know about me. Closely guarded in my deep and dark closets of the heart and mind.
I dream of dying.
I imagine taking my own life and the aftermath.
I live in fear of going to hell, of action to quickly or not planning it out correctly.
There are times where it is the cold steel of a gun barrel pressed tightly against my forehead. I know this will never happen. I am terrified of guns and do not own one. I am not sure I could handle the weight in my hand. Not sure that the last sound I want my ears to hear is the blast of gun. Then there is the blood and the gore. I could not possibly imagine leaving that behind for others to clean up and remember for the rest of their lives.
Over dosing on medication that I do not have in my home.
More often it is the desire to drive my car as fast as I can off a bridge into a waiting river.
But I love my life.
I am just not sure how to please everyone. How to deal with the demons of my past. No amount of praying has freed me from them yet.
It is the times that people are not happy with me. The times that I make a mistake. They make my insides want to crumple and fade away.
I do not want to leave my children behind. I do not want them asking all of the their lives what they did wrong to make me want to go away.
Daily I struggle
Daily I survive
Daily I put on a good front
Depression is always lurking in the background. Forcing me to gobble up every sweet thing I can find in my house. To skip the gym. To huddle under a blanket sleeping all day and all night while the world continues on without me.
Pushing through is the hardest. Making myself hear positive thoughts, be positive, get moving.
Knowing that it will all pay off one day somehow
As I pretend to be okay the majority of the time.
As I find activities that I enjoy and want to participate in
I am here
Just a woman in a man's world twisting this way and that
Just a mom making the children happy every day
Just a wife trying to be submissive and fun and adventurous
I have got this in the bag
I must have this in the bag
For them
For myself
For God
August 25, 2016
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Own It
Today I turned 40. It was not a horrendous event for me. I refused to let myself get worked up over this milestone birthday.
Instead I owned it.
I am 40.
I am 40 and I feel fabulous.
Confidence is becoming stronger. Because I spend a lot of time at the gym, I have arms that are starting to look toned. I like my arms!
The day flew by. Busy as I always am.
I cooked like normal and I even baked banana bread to pass on and bless someone. It was a huge success.
There was not a lot of laughter, but I was satisfied and happy.
My heart is full and I know I am truly blessed.
The decisions that need to be made can wait until another day.
There are things that could have made today even better. Every moment today made it special.
Instead I owned it.
I am 40.
I am 40 and I feel fabulous.
Confidence is becoming stronger. Because I spend a lot of time at the gym, I have arms that are starting to look toned. I like my arms!
The day flew by. Busy as I always am.
I cooked like normal and I even baked banana bread to pass on and bless someone. It was a huge success.
There was not a lot of laughter, but I was satisfied and happy.
My heart is full and I know I am truly blessed.
The decisions that need to be made can wait until another day.
There are things that could have made today even better. Every moment today made it special.
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Presentation
The choice to sell the house we have outgrown finally became a reality. After much debating and preparing, it was time. The task of getting it to look presentable and as close to empty as possible fell to me.
The Realtor was honest in saying it had to look presentable, less clutter. This proved a daunting concept. I took on the challenge.
I went out to our tiny little storage shed an began to rearrange the clutter there. Then I began pulling things out of closets and furniture out of rooms. What would not fit nicely in the house was crammed into the shed. Now our lawnmower barely fits in there. I am sure had I wanted to, I could have pulled even more out.
After getting things into the shed, I began working on the linen closet. Extra towels and blankets were bagged and stuffed underneath beds. I then put bed ruffles on each bed to hide that stuff. Extra kitchen items, which nearly broke my heart, were also placed in the shed or underneath a bed.
I finally got all four closets empty enough you can see the floors. Never mind that my daughters favorite bench is stuffed in her closet and piled on princess dresses rest in a clump. Thankfully the grocery store had a sale on plants. I went from my two snake plants outside to eight more plants. I placed three of them in a high clutter area to hopefully prevent future accumulation. Each bedroom now has a plant.
A daily struggle with the kids takes place everyday. Pick up your toys immediately after you are finished with them. Don't mess up the couch covers and throw pillows. Even our little doggie feels a little lost with all the chaos of constant picking things up. The goal is to make the house look as empty as possible while living in it but not really living in it. Should someone come to look at it I will have to send my little doggie out the door along with his food, water and bed. I already have a list of places he is welcome. I am also prepared to carry him around with me in his carrier.
I wash clothes nearly everyday. Not because they are dirty but because I want the laundry baskets empty, but then this means the clean clothes stay in the dryer or are folded and put away. This is not something that I excel at. 
My prayer is that the house sells soon enough but not too soon. More to come on this adventure.
Where It May Lead (Daydream)
Pick the perfect play list on this phone of mine. Crank it up.
Slip into something slinky, after a long hot soak in the bathtub. Smelling fresh and fruity like the lotion I prefer.
Pour that glass of wine.
Look him in the eye and begin to sway ever so lazy. Listening to each sensual beat and letting it take over.
Watching him step ever so close before laying hands upon my shoulders and pressing his mouth hard against mine.
Letting him push me back against the wall and passion flow from him to me and back to him.
We know where this will end.
Tangled sheets and slick bodies pressed together. Clinging to each other as if there is no other way to survive.
All that transpired before this moment forgotten. Becoming one and letting all worries slide away. Knowing that I belong to you and you belong to me.
The door is closed and locked.
But the kids know where we are and nights like this they prove to be restless. And the inevitable knock upon the door will threaten to bring us back to earth. Taming the urgency and leaving a taste of what will happen once the kids are settled again.
August 9 2016
Slip into something slinky, after a long hot soak in the bathtub. Smelling fresh and fruity like the lotion I prefer.
Pour that glass of wine.
Look him in the eye and begin to sway ever so lazy. Listening to each sensual beat and letting it take over.
Watching him step ever so close before laying hands upon my shoulders and pressing his mouth hard against mine.
Letting him push me back against the wall and passion flow from him to me and back to him.
We know where this will end.
Tangled sheets and slick bodies pressed together. Clinging to each other as if there is no other way to survive.
All that transpired before this moment forgotten. Becoming one and letting all worries slide away. Knowing that I belong to you and you belong to me.
The door is closed and locked.
But the kids know where we are and nights like this they prove to be restless. And the inevitable knock upon the door will threaten to bring us back to earth. Taming the urgency and leaving a taste of what will happen once the kids are settled again.
August 9 2016
Monday, August 8, 2016
Never Imagined
Life has a way of taking you on a journey. You set your course and plod away and before you know it the paths twist and turn. Some will merge others will go in an entirely different direction. It is important to stay focused on what's before you. Hold your memories tight in your heart, but don't let the broken dreams or past heartaches snag you in their branches.
The possibilities of what could or could not happen are endless. You hold the decision making tool in your hands. When standing at the edge of dark forest, or endless cornfield, it is up to you whether or not you enter. But fate may play a hand or two on what you will encounter.
One day you will wake up and realize that you are no where near where you thought you might be. The people around you have most likely changed numerous times along the way. Look up and thank God that you are where you are. Why? That is exactly where you need to be.
Over the years my life has changed direction many different times. From childhoods angst and darkness, shrouded in confusion and lack of true guidance I gained a hardened heart. Into young adulthood and supposed true love and selfishness I found myself at the edge of freedom's vast meadow. Through wild grasses blowing against my face as a warm breeze blows. The taste for alcohol acquired and desired.
A pregnancy at a time when wild oats were still being sown. Heartache, shame, anger, and hatred are boiling emotions deep within my soul. This journey would begin at the bottom of a mountain and lead me up into the snowy peaks of frozen hopes and dreams. Down into warmer valleys that would flood from never ending rain leaving me to find a way through roiling water and mud. The debris around me swirling and leading me down a darker path.
When at the bottom I look up and see the blue sky and know that for a time I may have found my rainbows end. Where once I was shiftless and belonging nowhere I now had a permanent address that was MINE. My child's laughter would ring through the halls. The yard forever a mess of toys and dogs. My Mother's issues and my desire to improve clashing like cold and hot air. Thunderclouds rolling above and below. And still this child hyper as can be could often find happiness everywhere.
Not to last as he grew older he became more sullen. Medication turning him into a strange being who didn't want to eat or sleep at normal times. Now his anger was competing with the adults. This house that he called home. This house that he knew was his.
Change.
In a moment's notice it all changed.
His world went from perceived normal to a new reality. A man has moved in and a baby is to come. Wedding bells and new rules and stipulations. How to fit in, how to get through the webs of confusion. Crying mother and frustrated step father. A new baby is here and what to do with him. He is different and in a hospital and when he comes home chaos rules.
Suddenly everything is about that baby.
What about me? The son? The one who came first, the one you swore would always be your only baby? And now suddenly this house you promised me. The car that you said would be mine at sixteen.
Nothing is mine.
Not even my own mother. A stranger living inside of her body. Her laughter is forced. Her smiles are rare. Her stress radiates through the house like a minefield. No one knows their place only that treading lightly is the way to go.
And now the house is for sale. It will belong to none of us.
And the son's place will be lost for sure. His angry father lashing out to him about his mother.
He is torn between a world of normalcy and kindness, manners and thoughtfulness. And one much darker where it is everyone for themselves, racism and chauvinism.
Many moments he knows not who to love. His father who tries to make him realize what an awful uncaring mother he has. Or his mother who tries too hard to remain neutral.
Chaos.
That is the new reality.
As the house that once promised stability and a future is put on the market ready to be sold.
Chaos that could never have been imagined.
The possibilities of what could or could not happen are endless. You hold the decision making tool in your hands. When standing at the edge of dark forest, or endless cornfield, it is up to you whether or not you enter. But fate may play a hand or two on what you will encounter.
One day you will wake up and realize that you are no where near where you thought you might be. The people around you have most likely changed numerous times along the way. Look up and thank God that you are where you are. Why? That is exactly where you need to be.
Over the years my life has changed direction many different times. From childhoods angst and darkness, shrouded in confusion and lack of true guidance I gained a hardened heart. Into young adulthood and supposed true love and selfishness I found myself at the edge of freedom's vast meadow. Through wild grasses blowing against my face as a warm breeze blows. The taste for alcohol acquired and desired.
A pregnancy at a time when wild oats were still being sown. Heartache, shame, anger, and hatred are boiling emotions deep within my soul. This journey would begin at the bottom of a mountain and lead me up into the snowy peaks of frozen hopes and dreams. Down into warmer valleys that would flood from never ending rain leaving me to find a way through roiling water and mud. The debris around me swirling and leading me down a darker path.
When at the bottom I look up and see the blue sky and know that for a time I may have found my rainbows end. Where once I was shiftless and belonging nowhere I now had a permanent address that was MINE. My child's laughter would ring through the halls. The yard forever a mess of toys and dogs. My Mother's issues and my desire to improve clashing like cold and hot air. Thunderclouds rolling above and below. And still this child hyper as can be could often find happiness everywhere.
Not to last as he grew older he became more sullen. Medication turning him into a strange being who didn't want to eat or sleep at normal times. Now his anger was competing with the adults. This house that he called home. This house that he knew was his.
Change.
In a moment's notice it all changed.
His world went from perceived normal to a new reality. A man has moved in and a baby is to come. Wedding bells and new rules and stipulations. How to fit in, how to get through the webs of confusion. Crying mother and frustrated step father. A new baby is here and what to do with him. He is different and in a hospital and when he comes home chaos rules.
Suddenly everything is about that baby.
What about me? The son? The one who came first, the one you swore would always be your only baby? And now suddenly this house you promised me. The car that you said would be mine at sixteen.
Nothing is mine.
Not even my own mother. A stranger living inside of her body. Her laughter is forced. Her smiles are rare. Her stress radiates through the house like a minefield. No one knows their place only that treading lightly is the way to go.
And now the house is for sale. It will belong to none of us.
And the son's place will be lost for sure. His angry father lashing out to him about his mother.
He is torn between a world of normalcy and kindness, manners and thoughtfulness. And one much darker where it is everyone for themselves, racism and chauvinism.
Many moments he knows not who to love. His father who tries to make him realize what an awful uncaring mother he has. Or his mother who tries too hard to remain neutral.
Chaos.
That is the new reality.
As the house that once promised stability and a future is put on the market ready to be sold.
Chaos that could never have been imagined.
Saturday, August 6, 2016
Daunting
As Monday draws to a close and the smell of freshly baked muffins fills the house, the heat is becoming too much. A run to the thermostat to bring it back to cool, only to feel hotter air rushing from the vents. And suddenly the realization that the storm from earlier where lightening had seemed so close must have made the unit go on the blitz.
Anger sets in and raging at all that cannot be controlled. Windows thrown open in haste and the humid air smelling of rain pushes away the baked goodies smell. A night of no sleep. Where sounds are too close and humidity is too much.
Tuesday dawns and a hearing aid is also on the blitz. This means a fight to get a referral a long wait and a child wearing only one until who knows when.
I drive the car with no air conditioning away from the house with no air condition to the gym. It took a lot for me to rise up off of the couch after putting my son on the bus. I wanted to give in to defeat. To bask in the misery that I was sure would bring me down for good. Instead I forced myself to pullout my workout clothes.
The workout was intense and I had plenty of anger to put into the routine. The instructor's bubbly personality brought me up. The call for air conditioner repair came. After the workout I rushed home and there was the repairman and already my air was working. How elated I was!
As the week progressed and I found my niche in the kitchen again. Cooking just about every meal that we ate that week. Even on Monday after a day spent shopping and driving an hour there and back in the non working air conditioned car, I had cooked supper. I made two different types of muffins on two different days.
Spending time at the gym finding my inner beast pushing my limits and feeling rejuvenated not conquered. My body is a little sore, but I know the workouts have paid off.
My oldest came for a visit. And spending time with all of my kiddos has been such a blessing. I even had a great short visit with one of my childhood friends.
God is great even in the darkness. When I felt the weight of the world upon my shoulders I happened to call a friend about an unrelated matter and she had the words I needed to hear.
Next week will be good. It is the outlook after all.
Anger sets in and raging at all that cannot be controlled. Windows thrown open in haste and the humid air smelling of rain pushes away the baked goodies smell. A night of no sleep. Where sounds are too close and humidity is too much.
Tuesday dawns and a hearing aid is also on the blitz. This means a fight to get a referral a long wait and a child wearing only one until who knows when.
I drive the car with no air conditioning away from the house with no air condition to the gym. It took a lot for me to rise up off of the couch after putting my son on the bus. I wanted to give in to defeat. To bask in the misery that I was sure would bring me down for good. Instead I forced myself to pullout my workout clothes.
The workout was intense and I had plenty of anger to put into the routine. The instructor's bubbly personality brought me up. The call for air conditioner repair came. After the workout I rushed home and there was the repairman and already my air was working. How elated I was!
As the week progressed and I found my niche in the kitchen again. Cooking just about every meal that we ate that week. Even on Monday after a day spent shopping and driving an hour there and back in the non working air conditioned car, I had cooked supper. I made two different types of muffins on two different days.
Spending time at the gym finding my inner beast pushing my limits and feeling rejuvenated not conquered. My body is a little sore, but I know the workouts have paid off.
My oldest came for a visit. And spending time with all of my kiddos has been such a blessing. I even had a great short visit with one of my childhood friends.
God is great even in the darkness. When I felt the weight of the world upon my shoulders I happened to call a friend about an unrelated matter and she had the words I needed to hear.
Next week will be good. It is the outlook after all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)