Hidden from the World

It's a secret that many, in fact most people do not know about me. Closely guarded in my deep and dark closets of the heart and mind.

I dream of dying.

I imagine taking my own life and the aftermath.

I live in fear of going to hell, of action to quickly or not planning it out correctly.

There are times where it is the cold steel of a gun barrel pressed tightly against my forehead. I know this will never happen. I am terrified of guns and do not own one. I am not sure I could handle the weight in my hand. Not sure that the last sound I want my ears to hear is the blast of gun. Then there is the blood and the gore. I could not possibly imagine leaving that behind for others to clean up and remember for the rest of their lives.

Over dosing on medication that I do not have in my home.

More often it is the desire to drive my car as fast as I can off a bridge into a waiting river.

But I love my life.

I am just not sure how to please everyone. How to deal with the demons of my past. No amount of praying has freed me from them yet.

It is the times that people are not happy with me. The times that I make a mistake. They make my insides want to crumple and fade away.

I do not want to leave my children behind. I do not want them asking all of the their lives what they did wrong to make me want to go away.

Daily I struggle

Daily I survive

Daily I put on a good front

Depression is always lurking in the background. Forcing me to gobble up every sweet thing I can find in my house. To skip the gym. To huddle under a blanket sleeping all day and all night while the world continues on without me.

Pushing through is the hardest. Making myself hear positive thoughts, be positive, get moving.

Knowing that it will all pay off one day somehow

As I pretend to be okay the majority of the time.

As I find activities that I enjoy and want to participate in

I am here

Just a woman in a man's world twisting this way and that

Just a mom making the children happy every day

Just a wife trying to be submissive and fun and adventurous

I have got this in the bag

I must have this in the bag

For them

For myself

For God


August 25, 2016