Journey into a Soul

This was written under the name Olivia J. Stuart in late 1997. It was written after the separation, but just before the actual divorce. The dedication at the bottom reads: Dedicated to the ones that destroyed the free spirited girl that they took under their wing. It took me years to regain the confidence that I had when I met them. I am free again, and no one will ever take that from me again. This piece was revised in 2003.

Looking back through old notebooks I find myself once again.

The person that I used to be
  so full of hopes and dreams

My soul is empty
  devoid of any hope

The jewel of my existence
  long ago destroyed

Now rotting away
  each page told a story
    that only a troubled soul could tell

The stories became real
  through the eyes of the reader

I feel as if my youth has been lost
  replaced by a young adult mentality

My life took this turn
  it was after I let those pages go

Maybe my soul lies in that landfill
  each pen that I pick up
  is powered by a sheltered mind

The emotions no longer run rampant
  they are in tight control

Who is this person?
  so different from the last composer

Those pages are lost
  gone forever

Destroyed by a fervent desire to change
  but change into what I ask myself

Maybe that is why love turned away
  a true injustice was committed

Baring the soul page after page
  and grabbing it up so carelessly

Now only memories of those stories remain
  a thousand pages lost

To find my new existence
  which can only begin
     when the heart is free

To feel wild emotions again
  would be like a dream come true

I see the picture clearly
  the hallway of doom

The sound of tearing paper
  the sound of amazement
    at what the true feelings meant

Only wanting to be free
  instead it was the sound of prison walls closing in

The garbage bag was full
  a sense of relief
   or it might have been guilt

It all happened so quickly
  for to pause would have meant it stayed

In the other room people talked
  and the one that knew
    shook his head

For who can stop a determined woman?
  one who is hell bent on her mission
    why not even Hercules could!

When the journey began
  stepping out into the cold
    starting into the gaping hole

Tonight it was empty
  waiting to swallow whatever I throw in

Slowly I raise my arm
  and toss the bag into the gaping hole

It falls to the bottom almost without a sound
  this was the beginning of a new life
    or so I thought

Confusion sat in
  shaky at first
   then moving on without that lifeline

Now I know the truth
  the injustice of it all

How can you love someone
  who is not being true to themselves?

My heart was in peril
  it's lifeline smothered in garbage

Now it's time
  time to unleash all of these emotions

I need to set my heart free
  and fill these pearly white pages

Then my life can begin again
  writing is my happiness
   my only true release

To know me
  to understand me
    to love me
      is to read what I write

That is the door into my soul
  the root of my existence

September 18 2016 I tweaked a few of the lines, but other than that it is unchanged.