Confessions from an OCD Military Spouse

All Seasoned spouses know that moving is inevitable. The success of that move is only partially up to us. As a Spouse, I have moved several times during my Husband's nearly eight year career. In a nutshell it went like this.

Move number one was from Tennessee to El Paso Texas. We fitted our tiny Saturn to haul the smallest UHaul trailer. This went well and over all I would chalk it up to success. Move number two was merely eight months later back to Tennessee due to an upcoming deployment, new baby, baby with medical needs. This move was a little more adventurous to include my MIL, new baby, and 3 year old. The car was packed to overflowing, this included the cargo attachment and the car bag on the roof. One year later I move back to El Paso. This was another smaller adventure.

For two years I stayed in El Paso until the Husband got orders to go overseas without us. And guess what? We did a fully DITY move back to Tennessee. This move was not a good one in my book. We had a 26ft Budget truck with a trailer to haul our Saturn. This truck and our car were full to overflowing. The minivan had room for the two kids and one passenger upfront. We were stressed to the max and we had the hubby's mom and dad along to help us out. Getting everything loaded was the easy part. I ended up leaving behind one of my favorite plants because my husband didn't feel like there was room. My FIL made room in the floor board of the Saturn for my other plants. We got a late start and the husband and I were already not getting along. By the end of the first evening, it was strictly no talking. The trailer we were pulling had a flat tire and hubby pushed on to the next exit rather than stopping. It took hours and hours to get a technician out to our location to replace the tire. This was also when things started going south for us. We were arguing over the process, over the pros and cons of repairing the flat tire ourselves. We were stuck on the side of the road in a not so great place. We were all tired. The kids wanted to run and play. It was dark. So after a lot of arguing the kids and I went up one exit to find a not so great hotel and then hubby and his mom and dad came later. I barely slept, did not eat or even drink water. The next day slowly improved.

Would I recommend a DITY move to someone else? Yes. It isn't that bad. The key is communication and organization. We at least had organization. I had begun the packing process 2 months prior to our move. The only damages we had was a broken lid to a pan we barely used. Not bad odds. It was not a positive highlight for our marriage. This did lead us into a not so great year of living apart, another move, and another rotation before we got things fully back into the good.

After our year in Tennessee we did a partial DITY from Tennessee to Northern New York. This was not overall a bad move. Our van was full to the point that opening the doors meant stuff could fall out. I moved 9 house plants successfully. I only had two of those original 9 die after arriving in NNY. The drive was not so bad. Arriving was easy as we had a house waiting for us. A quick stop at Walmart to get a few essentials and we were good to go.

This time we are moving from NNY to KY after a two year stay in NNY. I am equal parts sad and excited. I attempted to approach this move with calm. I was reading horror stories of military moves gone wrong. When receiving our household goods two years ago, we had minor damage. Mostly scratches. I began walking through my house trying to decide what I could do to make my move go more smoothly. I began with acquiring as many plastic totes as I could. I pulled my Grandmother's Vintage Glassware out of my cupboards, all my inherited knick knacks from my mom. I packed an entire tote with these items and when my Dad came for a fall visit, I sent the tote home with him. Thankfully he is only a few hours away from our destination. I began to get antsy in August even though I knew the move was not until October. I kept telling myself that the kids needed to be in school before I did anything. It was excruciatingly hard to not pack.

September rolled around and pictures started coming off of the walls. I dedicated a closet and the front entry way to all things picture related or knick knacks. My next step was to pull every tote out of every closet and put them all in one central location away from anything that could possibly be crammed into them. Next I began bagging up all linens and my kids stuffed animals. This way the packers could place them into boxes. All of these bags are upstairs. My husband said that I have now made their job easy. I have cleaned my kitchen out to the bare minimum for the packers to take. I have designated safe areas clearly labeled not to be packed. My husband drained all gas powered machinery and the washer. All my liquids are in designated no pack areas. I made sure all favorite kids toys are in safe no pack areas. We are ready.

Next I will share pictures of how I organized my house. I have zip lock bags labeled for each bed in the house and for my kitchen table.

All knick knacks from the house

All blankets, towels, and miscellaneous clothes were bagged thisway

Closet designated for pictures

Lower portion of pictures in the closet

 

Kitchen Island designated as a no pack zone

 

This was the beginning of my plastic tote area

This was the final day before the packers arrived

All my beautiful house plants and dog kennel

The messy garage


My advice for all who are moving find the way that works best for you. Find time to relax in between the chaos.



Bonnie Manjarrez
Oct 16 2018




 



What Led me to Here

7 years as a phone parent.

Brief visits to bridge the gap.

Circumstances, call it a cruel twist of fate.

Deep inside before the change of custody transpired, I knew it was inevitable. I knew when I looked into his sweet baby face that I was meant to be in the background. My insecurities, lack of true familial support, and self discipline were all a recipe for disaster. I wanted to be the doting mother. I wanted to be the guiding light into adulthood.

I lacked the drive to change. I lacked the drive to focus on him and work.

Loneliness drove me out into the night. Loneliness drove me to search desperately for the love that I wanted desperately. What I felt I needed to be complete.

I had a baby when I was not ready. I had not come to terms with who I was and how I fit into the world. My priorities were misplaced. The divorce a year prior to my pregnancy. That was the first shatter in the picture window of my sanity. I could not turn to my own mother because she was a scorned woman full of a love hate mixture toward my father. I could not turn to my father because he told me not to get married.

I look at my now eighteen year old and think back to my eighteen year old self. I see my ugly brown Plymouth reliant. I see my two best friends. I see our little house in downtown Dickson. I hear my mother stomping around and yelling. I see those annoying little Pomeranians. My sister is there locked in her misery. We are three people sharing a volatile space. Once I step out that door I can pretend to be happy. I have a job at Hardees. I do well at this job. I start my Senior year single. I am on the brink of possibility, but the reality is that at 18 I had no clear path beyond the walk down the hill. I met my future ex-husband in Art History Class. He was a mystery to me. In all honesty my first impression wasn't a good one. I didn't even like his hair. Yet he was attracted to me. He listened as I talked to the bubbly girl that sat between us. He came to my work. After I met his family I thought he was rich.

Honesty is hard to face. But I wanted a way out and at that point in my life I was a manipulator. I was learning to navigate the world of men. I thought through him I could better my situation. I put myself into a relationship that on the surface I believed in, but under it all I didn't really want it. It was a turbulent relationship. All the while my Dad could see through it, he wanted better for me. He thought I still considered the military as a path. I had set that aside when I didn't take the ASVAB because none of my friends were taking it and I wanted to be able to hang out with them. That was my priority. Pre marriage of my current husband, my priority was to fit in at all costs.

The cost was heavy. I hit rock bottom after a nearly two year dating, living together, and brief marriage. My ex-in laws brought me low. Brought me to God. Tore me down and attempted to remain in control even after it was all over.

I made new friends, found a new job. I moved into my own little house. I thought I was putting it back together. Reality: I wanted to fit in. I found new friends, formed new habits, and all of it was to ultimately fit in. Even when I got a good job. I worked in a factory, I had insurance, and financial stability. I was back in my Dad's house. I could have saved money, I could have turned over a new leaf. I was talking to a National Guard Recruiter. I was happy and sort of embracing being alone.

My mom let me come to her apartment to hang out with my then Senior in High School sister. This was one of the few times that we were loosely able to bond. But the new neighbor was fascinating. Like a magnet he drew me in. I knew better, he knew better, but fate stepped in. But really it was a lapse in my judgment and the desire to find someone to be with me. I knew when I walked away that nothing would ever be the same again. It wasn't

Another long hard year. Avery hard year. Full of arguing and crying. Torn between a Mom and Dad who wanted two very separate outcomes. Fighting for the right to name my child what I wanted. Quitting the good job with insurance because the morning sickness was so bad. Zero support. Not one parent stepping in and coaxing me through this with a positive attitude. My emotions were all over the place. I was lost. I was scared.

This sweet baby was born into the madness of single parent hood.
Born to a mother who in the beginning did not want him, but then did.
Born to a mother who did not naturally have the mothering instinct inside of her. He was an extension of her. He was there occupying the space with her. She cried a lot. She screamed a lot. She fought with her Mom, her Dad, her sister. She longed to find a place she fit.

Baby crying, baby crying, baby not sleeping, crying, not sleeping. No money, at the time of baby's birth she was unemployed. Dad didn't want to support her, didn't agree with the baby being there. Give it up is what he told her. Angry that she wasn't married. That she was hesitant to name the father out of sheer embarrassment. But Dad was embarrassed of her and the situation.

So this sweet baby boy grew into an elementary school boy. He was there through all the fights between his Mom and Grandmother. Fights between his Aunt and Mom. In the beginning his Grandfather would only call him grandson. Mom had to work. Mom was stressed. Mom wanted to belong somewhere but more importantly to someone.

The search for love carried her away down many dark trails. It is a wonder she was not raped, or murdered. It is a wonder that she survived to even become a telephone parent.

But God finally sent her someone.

Sent someone to tame that wild heart of hers.

This came in the form of huge change for all of them.

The father did not agree and through a sneaky he received custody and thus this boy's life was forever altered.

I believe in the moment I held this boy as he sobbed against me. A cheeseburger growing cold and attempting to reassure. In this moment, his undeniable love for me died.

The struggle to remain a part of his life became real. His father hates me. His father did his best to make him into a sullen young man. A young man who is not the easiest to get along with. Who does not respect women.

And through it all I had to remain positive. I had to coax my son. I had to let go and let God. I had to pray a lot.

I know my young man son thought that 18 would be magical, but it was not. Him turning 18 brought me to the point of knowing I had truly failed him.


October 6, 2018
8:38 am EST