7 years as a phone parent.
Brief visits to bridge the gap.
Circumstances, call it a cruel twist of fate.
Deep inside before the change of custody transpired, I knew it was inevitable. I knew when I looked into his sweet baby face that I was meant to be in the background. My insecurities, lack of true familial support, and self discipline were all a recipe for disaster. I wanted to be the doting mother. I wanted to be the guiding light into adulthood.
I lacked the drive to change. I lacked the drive to focus on him and work.
Loneliness drove me out into the night. Loneliness drove me to search desperately for the love that I wanted desperately. What I felt I needed to be complete.
I had a baby when I was not ready. I had not come to terms with who I was and how I fit into the world. My priorities were misplaced. The divorce a year prior to my pregnancy. That was the first shatter in the picture window of my sanity. I could not turn to my own mother because she was a scorned woman full of a love hate mixture toward my father. I could not turn to my father because he told me not to get married.
I look at my now eighteen year old and think back to my eighteen year old self. I see my ugly brown Plymouth reliant. I see my two best friends. I see our little house in downtown Dickson. I hear my mother stomping around and yelling. I see those annoying little Pomeranians. My sister is there locked in her misery. We are three people sharing a volatile space. Once I step out that door I can pretend to be happy. I have a job at Hardees. I do well at this job. I start my Senior year single. I am on the brink of possibility, but the reality is that at 18 I had no clear path beyond the walk down the hill. I met my future ex-husband in Art History Class. He was a mystery to me. In all honesty my first impression wasn't a good one. I didn't even like his hair. Yet he was attracted to me. He listened as I talked to the bubbly girl that sat between us. He came to my work. After I met his family I thought he was rich.
Honesty is hard to face. But I wanted a way out and at that point in my life I was a manipulator. I was learning to navigate the world of men. I thought through him I could better my situation. I put myself into a relationship that on the surface I believed in, but under it all I didn't really want it. It was a turbulent relationship. All the while my Dad could see through it, he wanted better for me. He thought I still considered the military as a path. I had set that aside when I didn't take the ASVAB because none of my friends were taking it and I wanted to be able to hang out with them. That was my priority. Pre marriage of my current husband, my priority was to fit in at all costs.
The cost was heavy. I hit rock bottom after a nearly two year dating, living together, and brief marriage. My ex-in laws brought me low. Brought me to God. Tore me down and attempted to remain in control even after it was all over.
I made new friends, found a new job. I moved into my own little house. I thought I was putting it back together. Reality: I wanted to fit in. I found new friends, formed new habits, and all of it was to ultimately fit in. Even when I got a good job. I worked in a factory, I had insurance, and financial stability. I was back in my Dad's house. I could have saved money, I could have turned over a new leaf. I was talking to a National Guard Recruiter. I was happy and sort of embracing being alone.
My mom let me come to her apartment to hang out with my then Senior in High School sister. This was one of the few times that we were loosely able to bond. But the new neighbor was fascinating. Like a magnet he drew me in. I knew better, he knew better, but fate stepped in. But really it was a lapse in my judgment and the desire to find someone to be with me. I knew when I walked away that nothing would ever be the same again. It wasn't
Another long hard year. Avery hard year. Full of arguing and crying. Torn between a Mom and Dad who wanted two very separate outcomes. Fighting for the right to name my child what I wanted. Quitting the good job with insurance because the morning sickness was so bad. Zero support. Not one parent stepping in and coaxing me through this with a positive attitude. My emotions were all over the place. I was lost. I was scared.
This sweet baby was born into the madness of single parent hood.
Born to a mother who in the beginning did not want him, but then did.
Born to a mother who did not naturally have the mothering instinct inside of her. He was an extension of her. He was there occupying the space with her. She cried a lot. She screamed a lot. She fought with her Mom, her Dad, her sister. She longed to find a place she fit.
Baby crying, baby crying, baby not sleeping, crying, not sleeping. No money, at the time of baby's birth she was unemployed. Dad didn't want to support her, didn't agree with the baby being there. Give it up is what he told her. Angry that she wasn't married. That she was hesitant to name the father out of sheer embarrassment. But Dad was embarrassed of her and the situation.
So this sweet baby boy grew into an elementary school boy. He was there through all the fights between his Mom and Grandmother. Fights between his Aunt and Mom. In the beginning his Grandfather would only call him grandson. Mom had to work. Mom was stressed. Mom wanted to belong somewhere but more importantly to someone.
The search for love carried her away down many dark trails. It is a wonder she was not raped, or murdered. It is a wonder that she survived to even become a telephone parent.
But God finally sent her someone.
Sent someone to tame that wild heart of hers.
This came in the form of huge change for all of them.
The father did not agree and through a sneaky he received custody and thus this boy's life was forever altered.
I believe in the moment I held this boy as he sobbed against me. A cheeseburger growing cold and attempting to reassure. In this moment, his undeniable love for me died.
The struggle to remain a part of his life became real. His father hates me. His father did his best to make him into a sullen young man. A young man who is not the easiest to get along with. Who does not respect women.
And through it all I had to remain positive. I had to coax my son. I had to let go and let God. I had to pray a lot.
I know my young man son thought that 18 would be magical, but it was not. Him turning 18 brought me to the point of knowing I had truly failed him.
October 6, 2018
8:38 am EST
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