Settling In

Recently I moved.

The weeks leading up to the move were challenging for me. I packed all of my mother's knick knacks along with my Grandmother's carnival glass into a plastic tote. When my Dad came to visit I sent them back with him. I was happy to know that these belongings would safely make the move.

All during the chaos of saying "see ya laters" watching my oldest son prepare to move out of my home, and getting things ready, I wanted to call my mom.

Some days the urge was so strong I had to fight it off. I wanted to drink, but I knew that would solve nothing. I wanted to cry, but really scream at the sky. I made it through most of the year without the urge to call her. Now in the midst of it all I felt her loss.

I retrieved my plastic tote, brought it into my new home and placed it in a safe space.

Once arriving, once my furniture arrived, I felt worse.

Two pieces of my mom's furniture were damaged. Thankfully not beyond repair. But I felt sucker punched. I wanted to scream at the unloading team. I wanted to make them understand that this wasn't just a shelf or entertainment center. This was my mother's. My mother who took such good care of them, and then I get them and they break. Throughout the remainder of the day I felt the tears threating to fall. I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me.

My wonderful husband was able to drill the legs back onto the entertainment center. The shelf has a crack, it won't survive another move, but for now it works.

Once the entire house was set up, I pulled my plastic bin out of it's safe place.

I sat in the floor and unwrapped each piece one by one.

Behind me I could feel my mother. I could feel her looking on, observing, waiting.

I set up her shelf with most of my books.

Then with great care I set up her knick knacks. Each time I look into the entry way and see the shelf, I can feel her approval. I know she would be pleased with at least this one thing.

All the other things that I need to tell her, well, I'm not sure how that will work out. I feel lost. I know the holidays are upon us. I know that she won't be there to call. I will push past the urge to eat my feelings. To sit in her recliner and watch sad Christmas movies while I eat my favorite ice cream a pint at a time.

All will be well in due time

November 7 2018