As Sunday dawns chilly at first light with cloud cover, I throw aside the blankets and place my feet lightly on the floor. I am ready as ready will ever be to face yet another day inside my house, my neighborhood, my safety area.
When once I thought I would never survive inside my house, I have come to realize it is really not so bad. I have ventured out to the stores, but that leaves me feeling off. In a way I wonder if agoraphobia will become a much more recognized condition. As we become immersed in life inside our homes, we grasp the ability to do most things online. We can shop, we can bank, we can work and teach and even meet. Appearances may slide, at least for me they have. I have worn make up once in a month. I have blow dried my hair a handful of times. My go to clothes are my leggings and comfy t-shirts. For school we all get out of bed and dressed in various forms of comfy clothes. I have watched my husband become more comfortable in athletic shorts and when he goes out he will swap to khaki shorts.
I counted up my outings from my side of post and I came up with three trips into Louisville, two of those trips my family ordered tacos to eat in the van. We have ordered cheese dip two times, we have gone inside of a Walmart two times, the commissary three times, Aldi once, and a Walmart pick up. All that since April 14. My husband also reenlisted the first week of social distancing. This change is huge for my family. I am coming to the end of my two PTO terms, I am still on the Resident Advisory board, PWOC is now online only.
My social life is basically non existent. I should be sad, but in a small way I am relieved. I have been putting myself out there for nearly three years. I posted only pictures of me as my profile picture so people would see my face and choose me to babysit, or know that I was someone they could reach out to as the FRG Leader, The Treasurer, and Finally for the PTO and the RAB. I recently changed it to a picture of something not my face. It is back to my face, but I have now changed my fb name. I have decided to step back. To use this time to focus on me, on my family.
See for us, we are the brink of a huge change. My husband will be a recruiter by the end of this year. We will most likely be living away from the Military Community I so love and cherish. We will very likely be in a place where I am the minority. And worst of all we will have to accept that my husband might not be home for supper, might be working weekends, will be fielding phone calls at odd times. We will have to learn a new way to support him as he faces new stresses and challenges. During this time we have fully embraced our tiny family unit. We are enjoying the bike rides, the times to cook and clean and learn together. Movies on the Tv, Music blasting from the blue tooth speakers. Cuddles with the Chihuahuas.
We see our neighbors from time to time, but mostly in passing. My husband still sees his soldiers almost daily and talks to them on the phone. I still message a few of my friends, but I feel the closure of our time at this place coming. I know that I can drive away from here and remember the good times, but also know this was never a forever home. It was difficult to drive away from NNY. I was heart broken for months and struggled to find my place here. I have met many amazing women and many of them I will remain in contact with. I have been faced with the fake and the judgmental here and I know that is everywhere. I know that in many instances I was merely flitting in between, but never truly belonging. Isn't that what we all strive for? Belonging to what? I crave the company of those who have struggled and survived. Those who are educated and examples of how to become the best you.
While being here, I have learned that I am passionate about being involved and speaking up for the underdog. I have learned that I want to use my voice to advocate for those who don't have an advocate. I care about donating money to wipe out a lunchroom debt because I believe all kids should have free lunches regardless of how much money the parents make. I want to help everyone and I know and understand that there are those that you cannot help, but I still want to try. I want to speak up for those who might not be able to afford school spirit shirts and therefore their kids may not get a prize, which by the way, breaks my heart. I have come to realize that one of my strong points, might be a weak point, is the ability to see and listen to all sides. I know how it feels to have what you need and I know how it feels to not have what you need. I have so many friends from all walks of life. I have friends who have struggled with a wide range of issues. Because I am empathetic I have felt their struggles and celebrated their wins right along side of them.
Years ago when my greatest friendship turned out to be a huge lie, I realized that not everyone sees the world the way we do. I have grown from that betrayal and used that experience to grow. It was slow at first because I did not want to get close to anyone. I became more introverted than normal. But then we moved to NNY and my husband deployed. I began babysitting, I threw myself into FRG involvement, I made a friend for life. Suddenly I met others who pushed me to step out of my comfort zone. All of that led me to where I am now. I am deeply saddened to not be able to re run for a position on either PTO board. I will volunteer until we move though. But at the end of all that has transpired in the last school year, I am ready to step back. I am ready to reanalyze the friendships that I thought I had formed. I am ready to accept that for many I am just there, not a meaningful part of their lives. I am okay with this, though honesty is that it hurts.
In the end you must take all that you learned and grow from it. My roots are getting stronger, they are growing deeper. I am learning how to navigate the world of public existence and I know that where ever we land I will grow. I am dreading all that leads up to a move. Thinking positively though, all of this social distancing will make the see you laters much easier. There will be no long drawn out goodbyes and events to attend. One day I will be here, the next packing and leaving my house and then I will be off to the next place.
Be the best you. Be open to change and not narrow minded. Embrace everyone no matter, race, belief, politics, etc. BE THE BEST YOU.
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