Hard year, from March to June.
Normalcy gone.
Relax, but not true relax.
Friendship, slowly, mixed with children's laughter.
Late nights, bonfires, talking, talking, talking.
What happened?
Where did I go and how did I end up here?
In this place of deep regret tinged with deep embarrassment and a loss of a brief moment in time.
I am an adult.
I am
What? What am I?
Saved? Should be
Swear like a sailor, like I am uneducated, covered.
The f bomb always ready to drop
Cultured? Wasn't I?
Sweet, I was.
Anger welling up inside of me, like a red hot wave of lava
I must live with my decisions.
I must live with what I did.
Remorse? yes, a tiny bit so, possibly not so much as I should have though
Darkness? yes, the light inside of me is getting harder to see
Where can I find myself? Church? Haven't been in months
Bible's by my bed, read them, probably not.
I am truly lost and I
I don't know what to do or where to go from here.
Continue to grow is all that I can do
Thursday, June 25, 2020
Saturday, June 6, 2020
The Chronicals of a Not So Ordinary Mom: Unfriended
Unfriended, that should not be, but can be a powerful word. You tell yourself that it doesn't really matter, but then it happens to you and it does matter. Then you tell yourself you are being silly, but you feel this sick feeling deep inside.
I was unfriended. Honestly it should not have been a surprise, but it was, and it did hurt, deeply.
The elementary PTO came to an end with a social distancing transition meeting. I was excited to see my current board mates and the incoming board. I was excited to share my experiences and to suggest a few changes. The former VP had asked if anyone would be wearing a mask, I said that I would, but I didn't unless I was talking directly to her during the meeting. While at the meeting I happened to notice that the VP had sent a message to me saying she would sit next to me during the meeting because I would wear a mask. I felt horrible. I had let her down. After the meeting I sent her a message letting her know that I admired her for sticking to her beliefs. She had worn her mask all during the meeting. I also let her know that I valued her opinion. I already had this feeling that this woman that I admire and think of as a friend, was thinking I was wishy washy and not good at keeping my word. This haunted me all the next day after the meeting.
Upon arrival, I was gifted a beautiful tumbler with my name on it, one that has since become a petty sticking point sitting on my counter. I had forgotten my camp chair and therefore pulled a reusable bag from my van to sit on. I had my mask with me and my suggestion list. The air was cooling down from unbearable humid and the distant sound of children playing and passing cars filled the empty silence as we waited in the church parking lot for everyone to arrive.
For many months now I had sensed a shift in my relationship with the current President. It started so simply when I found out about Drama Club at the school. I was confused how she didn't mention why my daughter wasn't signed up as our daughters were somewhat friends. It had seemed like an oversight and almost intentional. I got the information contact and was able to add my daughter to the club, but almost from that moment way back in the early months of the year, it had felt like we were beginning to walk separate paths. And really that is normal. People grow and change and it is nothing to be sad about, it is part of our personal growth.
At one point I had been at a school board meeting where it was brought up that our elementary school had a lot of outstanding lunch debt. This is one of my issues that I hold close to my heart. I do not believe any kid, despite family income, should have to pay for lunch or breakfast. I brought it up to the President and when it shifted from my inquiry how can we help, to her answer "Well I bet that is all of the E9s who are lazy and don't want to pay" I know I became defensive when I answered, because I really don't believe that to be the case. I live in a neighborhood designated for the lower ranks. It became a tad heated as I voiced my concerns and even my own experience. You see there was once a time my oldest did not have lunch money. As a single mom I worked and I did not qualify for the free lunch program. When I got married and added a child I really did not qualify. There were many times my son had no lunch money. The school he went to, they were strict on the "no money, no food" rule. He would be given bread with peanut butter or the principle would buy his lunch that day and send home a note about how she had to pay for him to eat and blah blah. The irony of the situation was that his school was like this one, it was sitting in the middle of a wealthy neighborhood, and it was a small school, so they knew our situation, but they did not reach out with compassion. Instead they ignored or ridiculed or said non helpful things like "why don't you apply for free lunch?"
Anyway, I know this moment was a for sure turning point. It was the moment I found my voice. It was the moment I realized that I am able to vocalize and to stand my ground for my beliefs. Our last in person meeting also had a moment where I stood my ground for what I believe. I stand with the underdog. I stand with those who do not have the means to provide what their families need. I stand with those who are not popular. After the meeting the Secretary reached out and said that I had been passionate and that she had never seen me like that. My voice had been heard, but it obviously put another crack in the one friendship.
So the transition meeting commences and I listen to the President spinning herself in this easy going easy to work with light. In a way that I know was not always the reality. I listened to her cut off the VP that she had often clashed with. I heard her say she had taken the suggestion from the Secretary that I know she completely blew off. I am sitting there in disbelief and wondering what my fellow board mates are thinking and how the new board is interpreting her words. Only one of us from the current board will be on the board next year. She is a sweet lady, but one I have never fully trusted as instinct says she only agrees with the one she is currently engaging with. I know she is good friends with the President and I have zero issues with this. But I have also talked with her and heard her passion and her great ideas, only to arrive at meetings and hear her say "You know M and I have already talked about this and this is what we think" Because her And M they always talk and make decisions and then at meetings it is "Should I go ahead and mention that or wait?" It was almost like they had meetings before meetings to align themselves before they brought it up with the rest of the board. At those meetings I would be looking at the other two and wondering if they too thought they had missed something. Again I digress.
When the subject of our Spirit Wear fundraiser is brought up, I add my suggestions of inclusivity. I knew this was not a popular thing for the President. But this goes back to my first month with kids at the school. We arrived in late October. My kids started school that last week. They missed picture day at this school and the ones they left. So anyway, my kids come home talking about not getting a spirit prize. I am confused about this and as I am going to a Popcorn Friday, I bring this up at the event. The girl I spoke to explained to me that you must have current year school shirt to get a prize and they were not sure yet if they would do a second order. So I was immediately confused and asked how could my kids participate because, well we were new here. There were no shirts left in their size, so they could wear blue on those days and get a prize. I mentioned that I thought it was kind of like a money scheme, which did not gain me much grace with this girl. That is when the idea blossomed that I would like to be on the board. That I would like to make this my cause. No kid should be left out. Fast forward to becoming a board member and having inclusivity shot down once again. That and the fact that no one wanted to have volunteers be able to log volunteer hours into the Army's VMIS system, those became two sticking points. Well, to be honest, more like bug bites that you can't quit scratching. I did not like Spirit Friday's just for the fact that I now knew that some of these families were moving, had just moved here, or had multiple kids. Each time I broached the subject I was met with "Well, that is not our problem, or they can wear blue on spirit goes blue, or we can't give shirts to everyone, or this is our main fundraiser" It was frustrating to say the least. So I am sure that over the course of the school year, she had gotten tired of me.
I did get the VMIS to become a thing, but again this was through a lot of persuasiveness. The argument that if you volunteer with the PTO and want to log hours means that you are only in it for an award did not sit well with me. I knew the inner workings and how this could benefit someone for a job resume or for a school age kid to accrue much needed hours. And then one day, she caved and said you set it up you can do it. You know what?, I did, and it was a success. Within just a month many of our volunteers began to log hours. I mingled and brought this up to as many volunteers as I could, and always letting them know it was optional.
See the reason I was unfriended did not just happen, it happened over the course of a school year.
At the meeting my suggestion was met with much agreement on the incoming board. The incoming Treasurer even mentioned that with the current state of the economy many more parents might not be able to afford the extra costs this coming school year.
I also stressed the importance of mingling. I know this is not a strong point of everyone. For myself and for the former VP, this was something we did well. Our former president did know everyone's name and knew which kids belonged to which parent. That was such a strong point, and one that I never failed to admire. But things didn't go so well after our former VP began speaking. She would be laying out what she found worked, the summer playdates she set up, or something else and the former President would cut her off. I would elaborate on something the VP said. I even brought up her wonderful teacher birthday recognition that she was in charge of. I guess all of my elaboration and saying the VP this or that, was hurtful and not intentional, but should have been handled differently. You would think that I as the oldest person there, could have managed to not hurt someone's feelings so badly. But was I the only one in the wrong?
By the end of the meeting it was late and I felt positive. I felt like the new board was ready and the current board was ready for new adventures. I walked away with a beautiful cup in my hand. The former president asked about how my son was healing from a procedure he had recently, we talked about the barber we had both used for our sons, and it felt like there was something missing. I got in my van and drove home.
Thursday I pull myself out of bed and see I have a message from the former VP. What? you were unfriended? You noticed that I was and also the former Secretary. It was true. I was actually unfriended by two people, two former PTO Presidents. I messaged M and she said that I hurt her feelings. I had started out with "I am sorry if I offended you" I apologized for hurting her feelings and I listened to her response on how my words at the meeting made her feel like she had done a terrible job. I then told her all the qualities that she had that I truly admired and that watching her in that role, showed me that I am not ready to be a president yet, most likely not even a vp. I told her it was a great thing being part of the board with her. I also told her that her friendship had mattered to me more than that board. I felt so low all that day, and here I am on a Saturday, still feeling low. I also have a beautiful tumbler with my name on it that I will most likely never use. I just cannot look at it without seeing that blue button "Add Friend"
I don't know why this matters to me so much. I will be moving soon. I just know that two ladies that I thought really cared about me as a friend, unfriended me because I had a different opinion. One of them had even reached out to ask if I was okay, and I thought to myself "wow she really cares, how very sweet" But words are just words. It is now up to me how I interpret this situation and grow from this situation. It is up to me, to remain cordial in public and to carry on in a positive way. I admit I was wrong by not handling the meeting in a better way, but I really think this started months ago and that on a deeper level we were probably more acquaintances than friends. Everyone has stuff they deal with on a personal level and how they present that or use it to shape their beliefs, is part of their story. It is up to each of us to respect their journey and to listen to their beliefs without judgment.
May you be the very best you.
I was unfriended. Honestly it should not have been a surprise, but it was, and it did hurt, deeply.
The elementary PTO came to an end with a social distancing transition meeting. I was excited to see my current board mates and the incoming board. I was excited to share my experiences and to suggest a few changes. The former VP had asked if anyone would be wearing a mask, I said that I would, but I didn't unless I was talking directly to her during the meeting. While at the meeting I happened to notice that the VP had sent a message to me saying she would sit next to me during the meeting because I would wear a mask. I felt horrible. I had let her down. After the meeting I sent her a message letting her know that I admired her for sticking to her beliefs. She had worn her mask all during the meeting. I also let her know that I valued her opinion. I already had this feeling that this woman that I admire and think of as a friend, was thinking I was wishy washy and not good at keeping my word. This haunted me all the next day after the meeting.
Upon arrival, I was gifted a beautiful tumbler with my name on it, one that has since become a petty sticking point sitting on my counter. I had forgotten my camp chair and therefore pulled a reusable bag from my van to sit on. I had my mask with me and my suggestion list. The air was cooling down from unbearable humid and the distant sound of children playing and passing cars filled the empty silence as we waited in the church parking lot for everyone to arrive.
For many months now I had sensed a shift in my relationship with the current President. It started so simply when I found out about Drama Club at the school. I was confused how she didn't mention why my daughter wasn't signed up as our daughters were somewhat friends. It had seemed like an oversight and almost intentional. I got the information contact and was able to add my daughter to the club, but almost from that moment way back in the early months of the year, it had felt like we were beginning to walk separate paths. And really that is normal. People grow and change and it is nothing to be sad about, it is part of our personal growth.
At one point I had been at a school board meeting where it was brought up that our elementary school had a lot of outstanding lunch debt. This is one of my issues that I hold close to my heart. I do not believe any kid, despite family income, should have to pay for lunch or breakfast. I brought it up to the President and when it shifted from my inquiry how can we help, to her answer "Well I bet that is all of the E9s who are lazy and don't want to pay" I know I became defensive when I answered, because I really don't believe that to be the case. I live in a neighborhood designated for the lower ranks. It became a tad heated as I voiced my concerns and even my own experience. You see there was once a time my oldest did not have lunch money. As a single mom I worked and I did not qualify for the free lunch program. When I got married and added a child I really did not qualify. There were many times my son had no lunch money. The school he went to, they were strict on the "no money, no food" rule. He would be given bread with peanut butter or the principle would buy his lunch that day and send home a note about how she had to pay for him to eat and blah blah. The irony of the situation was that his school was like this one, it was sitting in the middle of a wealthy neighborhood, and it was a small school, so they knew our situation, but they did not reach out with compassion. Instead they ignored or ridiculed or said non helpful things like "why don't you apply for free lunch?"
Anyway, I know this moment was a for sure turning point. It was the moment I found my voice. It was the moment I realized that I am able to vocalize and to stand my ground for my beliefs. Our last in person meeting also had a moment where I stood my ground for what I believe. I stand with the underdog. I stand with those who do not have the means to provide what their families need. I stand with those who are not popular. After the meeting the Secretary reached out and said that I had been passionate and that she had never seen me like that. My voice had been heard, but it obviously put another crack in the one friendship.
So the transition meeting commences and I listen to the President spinning herself in this easy going easy to work with light. In a way that I know was not always the reality. I listened to her cut off the VP that she had often clashed with. I heard her say she had taken the suggestion from the Secretary that I know she completely blew off. I am sitting there in disbelief and wondering what my fellow board mates are thinking and how the new board is interpreting her words. Only one of us from the current board will be on the board next year. She is a sweet lady, but one I have never fully trusted as instinct says she only agrees with the one she is currently engaging with. I know she is good friends with the President and I have zero issues with this. But I have also talked with her and heard her passion and her great ideas, only to arrive at meetings and hear her say "You know M and I have already talked about this and this is what we think" Because her And M they always talk and make decisions and then at meetings it is "Should I go ahead and mention that or wait?" It was almost like they had meetings before meetings to align themselves before they brought it up with the rest of the board. At those meetings I would be looking at the other two and wondering if they too thought they had missed something. Again I digress.
When the subject of our Spirit Wear fundraiser is brought up, I add my suggestions of inclusivity. I knew this was not a popular thing for the President. But this goes back to my first month with kids at the school. We arrived in late October. My kids started school that last week. They missed picture day at this school and the ones they left. So anyway, my kids come home talking about not getting a spirit prize. I am confused about this and as I am going to a Popcorn Friday, I bring this up at the event. The girl I spoke to explained to me that you must have current year school shirt to get a prize and they were not sure yet if they would do a second order. So I was immediately confused and asked how could my kids participate because, well we were new here. There were no shirts left in their size, so they could wear blue on those days and get a prize. I mentioned that I thought it was kind of like a money scheme, which did not gain me much grace with this girl. That is when the idea blossomed that I would like to be on the board. That I would like to make this my cause. No kid should be left out. Fast forward to becoming a board member and having inclusivity shot down once again. That and the fact that no one wanted to have volunteers be able to log volunteer hours into the Army's VMIS system, those became two sticking points. Well, to be honest, more like bug bites that you can't quit scratching. I did not like Spirit Friday's just for the fact that I now knew that some of these families were moving, had just moved here, or had multiple kids. Each time I broached the subject I was met with "Well, that is not our problem, or they can wear blue on spirit goes blue, or we can't give shirts to everyone, or this is our main fundraiser" It was frustrating to say the least. So I am sure that over the course of the school year, she had gotten tired of me.
I did get the VMIS to become a thing, but again this was through a lot of persuasiveness. The argument that if you volunteer with the PTO and want to log hours means that you are only in it for an award did not sit well with me. I knew the inner workings and how this could benefit someone for a job resume or for a school age kid to accrue much needed hours. And then one day, she caved and said you set it up you can do it. You know what?, I did, and it was a success. Within just a month many of our volunteers began to log hours. I mingled and brought this up to as many volunteers as I could, and always letting them know it was optional.
See the reason I was unfriended did not just happen, it happened over the course of a school year.
At the meeting my suggestion was met with much agreement on the incoming board. The incoming Treasurer even mentioned that with the current state of the economy many more parents might not be able to afford the extra costs this coming school year.
I also stressed the importance of mingling. I know this is not a strong point of everyone. For myself and for the former VP, this was something we did well. Our former president did know everyone's name and knew which kids belonged to which parent. That was such a strong point, and one that I never failed to admire. But things didn't go so well after our former VP began speaking. She would be laying out what she found worked, the summer playdates she set up, or something else and the former President would cut her off. I would elaborate on something the VP said. I even brought up her wonderful teacher birthday recognition that she was in charge of. I guess all of my elaboration and saying the VP this or that, was hurtful and not intentional, but should have been handled differently. You would think that I as the oldest person there, could have managed to not hurt someone's feelings so badly. But was I the only one in the wrong?
By the end of the meeting it was late and I felt positive. I felt like the new board was ready and the current board was ready for new adventures. I walked away with a beautiful cup in my hand. The former president asked about how my son was healing from a procedure he had recently, we talked about the barber we had both used for our sons, and it felt like there was something missing. I got in my van and drove home.
Thursday I pull myself out of bed and see I have a message from the former VP. What? you were unfriended? You noticed that I was and also the former Secretary. It was true. I was actually unfriended by two people, two former PTO Presidents. I messaged M and she said that I hurt her feelings. I had started out with "I am sorry if I offended you" I apologized for hurting her feelings and I listened to her response on how my words at the meeting made her feel like she had done a terrible job. I then told her all the qualities that she had that I truly admired and that watching her in that role, showed me that I am not ready to be a president yet, most likely not even a vp. I told her it was a great thing being part of the board with her. I also told her that her friendship had mattered to me more than that board. I felt so low all that day, and here I am on a Saturday, still feeling low. I also have a beautiful tumbler with my name on it that I will most likely never use. I just cannot look at it without seeing that blue button "Add Friend"
I don't know why this matters to me so much. I will be moving soon. I just know that two ladies that I thought really cared about me as a friend, unfriended me because I had a different opinion. One of them had even reached out to ask if I was okay, and I thought to myself "wow she really cares, how very sweet" But words are just words. It is now up to me how I interpret this situation and grow from this situation. It is up to me, to remain cordial in public and to carry on in a positive way. I admit I was wrong by not handling the meeting in a better way, but I really think this started months ago and that on a deeper level we were probably more acquaintances than friends. Everyone has stuff they deal with on a personal level and how they present that or use it to shape their beliefs, is part of their story. It is up to each of us to respect their journey and to listen to their beliefs without judgment.
May you be the very best you.
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