When Friday begins with a Nit scare and chaotic washing of all things cloth begins, how can you expect a weekend to be anything but chaotic?
With three very different personalities on three kids. You cannot expect to have complete harmony with teenage boy angst and hormones, almost four toddler little girl emotions and a child who moves to his own drum balanced by routine and quiet.
I struggle with balancing the emotions, as my own go from normal to wildly out of control. A late night on Friday set the tone for exhaustion for the remainder of the weekend. There were tears and laughter. Throwing things, pranks, and dropped food. Toys everywhere and blankets not quite back into place.
My oldest and youngest are my biggest eaters and they argue over who gets the last slice of pizza, among other things. My sweet teenage boy isn't used to having competition on who gets to eat the leftovers and he gets very frustrated when his tiny sister wants a share.
I cooked three individual breakfast dishes on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. My Dad saying that I could now interview for a job at Waffle House. This because I was balancing fried eggs and bacon while making French Toast. Plating it and pouring the drinks. The last dish cooked and served was mine. On Sunday as I am finally cooking my food and hungrily eyeing the bacon, my Dad walks over and takes the last few slices and leaves a crumb. This he says if for the dog. WTF?? I then ask him if he means for me since I have had none. I get a slice of bacon, the dog received none! I enjoy making each person the food they crave for breakfast. It is my only on demand meal that I will cook and serve. My sister glares at me every time I say cooking for others makes my heart happy, but it really does.
Cookies were a semi flop, but at least they were there for the sleepover. This sleepover was impromptu and consisted of my two boys my daughter and my niece. We had a friend over with her two boys for a bit. There was plenty of loud karaoke and thrown toys and freshly cut grass. It was loud and fun. The kids loved the pizza and cookies.
This night would not be complete without my sister and I getting into an argument in front of the kids with thrown profanity in a minivan with the windows down. Wound up tight we both are and together we are like dynamite. There were tears from the kids and regrets from us, but like big people we worked it out and let the night proceed. A stupid movie and then again a late bedtime.
After only being asleep an hour or so, my oldest son whom I let sleep on my bedroom floor wakes up and stumbles quickly down the hallway to the bathroom Violent retching commences for many minutes as the contents of his belly flow into the toilet. He does this the rest of the night. My heart breaks for him. I know I must take him home a day early. I prepare him a little care package bag and return him to his Dad. Before leaving our house I cuddled him closely knowing all the while that I will most likely be the next stomach flu victim. It is not often I get cuddles from him, so it will be worth it in the end.
A fun day with a void where my oldest should have been and then it was over.
Today was no school for the kiddos and we went to the gym, two errands and a creepy guy asked to buy me coffee. I seriously need to quit going places in my workout clothes. For some reason this attire seems to invite advances or noxious stares from creeps.
I cooked a big lunch, supper will be small and cleaned one room of the house before crashing for two hours upon the couch.
Such a blessing to have had so much chaos in my house. It won't be long before I will be too far away from those that truly matter to me.
God Bless you All
September 6 2016
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Saturday, September 3, 2016
The Nit Experience
Recovering from a cold, excited that a R.I.P.P.E.D. class was completed despite congestion issues. A beautiful sunny day promising to be cooler. Errands begun when the dreaded call came in.
The call from the school we all dread where in that moment you are confused, angry, disgusted, and panicked.
My child was being sent home with a nit in his hair. The nurse assured me it wasn't too big of a deal, but precautions must be taken immediately and he must come home. Okay, I can do that, right? By the time I made the twenty minute drive I had already made two other phone calls of warning to those who had been in contact with us. A battle plan was forming along with even more panic.
I arrive at the school and the nurse explains that this little problematic nit hasn't hatched and that there are only two. Wow! She seems so optimistic, so much more positive than I think anyone should feel at this news. I look around us and see a lot of frazzled staff members and think to myself that this is a temporary thing that shall pass, but when? The kind nurse checks my daughter and I and we are clear! The optimism in the nurse's voice rises a notch at this revelation.
In my mind I am thinking how my afternoon of quietly napping is ruined. That now I must run these two kids to the store immediately and all semblance of normalcy is over for us, but for how long? My poor little son is distressed over having bugs in his hair and when can we get medicine? Along with this is the questions "Why can't I play Pokémon while we are out?" "When can I play with my tablet?" All the while on the inside I am freaking out!
I have now called and messaged one good friend who can talk anyone down from a state of panic, and one essential oil friend. The plans are forming. I begin to relay said plans to the troops, I mean kids.
Once at the store I realize that the Friday before Labor Day is not a great afternoon in this smallish town to attempt an incognito trip for the remedy. Before I have passed beyond the bakery and their free cookies, I have already been spotted by an old friend. My son stands patiently by but I can see his agitation rising. I know that the clock is ticking. My oldest son is coming, I am starving, it is time for the kids to eat as well, and then there is this mess.
A few steps later as I am frantically trying to grab a few groceries on the way to the other side of the store, I am once again stopped and we chit chat for just a second. I see my third friend just after snatching sour cream, milk, and eggs from a shelf. And that is when my son states clearly, "Ms. K, I have bugs in my hair and we are going to get medicine for my hair in order to kill the bugs in my hair." Now if you have ever been around a child with hearing loss, you know this wasn't stated quietly, add to the fact he is very likely a Sensory Processing Disorder child, well you get where I am going. Fun times!
We finally made it through the entire store, and even having to ask the Sales Lady where to find the stuff, then make a choice, it wasn't too overwhelming. The Cashier was chatty, and explained that she had seen numerous parents purchasing this same product throughout the day. Well, isn't that nice to know? So in a cataclysmic way, I begin thinking maybe I should just not go anywhere with the kids for days on end since this could be a wide spread issue.
Once home I begin barking orders and the kids are complying through tears as favorite stuffed animals and blankets are the first for the hot water bath. Then I begin applying treatment to the kids. I have one terrified and crying hysterically as I wash out the stuff from his hair over the sink. Another who is excited and laughing and squealing at this odd procedure. Timer set, hot dogs put on the stove top, more bedding, blankets, and pillows piled onto the floor in the kitchen. More crying and squealing. Our little Chihuahua sits quietly on the couch observing the madness, almost gloating that the kids are getting a bath in the sink instead of him.
Ten minutes can be a long, long time.
Heads rinsed, a pile of towels and washcloths in the kitchen floor. The dreaded spray and combing begins as kids try to eat hot dogs on a bun with ketchup. I kid you not, this is the real deal.
Somehow in all of this madness, my Dad and Sister have stopped by and my oldest son has arrived. My Sister jumped in and began helping me give my daughter a bath while I checked my son one more time after his bath. Dryer is loaded and washer is loaded. The non-stop sound of laundry being done is in full force.
Thankfully my Dad offered to take my oldest son out on the town for a little while. At first I was sad and annoyed because I was still thinking he could start mowing the grass, but then I consented. Shortly after they left, I realized that I needed to eat. I found a boring show on the television ate a tiny snack and crashed on the couch for two hours. Upon waking I realized the two kids at home would need to eat, and I called in another favor to my Dad. So thankful for him. He brought cheeseburgers.
By this point, I have washed and dried all stuffed animals, all of my daughters bedding washed, now in the dryer, extra blankets, towels and some of my son's bedding are in the washer. It is now time to tackle the yard.
This was an experience in itself. My son said he could do this easily but the minutes ticked off as the mower is started and stopped and in between he is talking about what? I have no idea. Through my mounting exhaustion and annoyance I have hit a point of just moving. Somehow in the melee of getting cars moved around from the driveway to the road my son accidentally backed into my older car, sending it rolling a few feet down the hill. Lucky for us all, no damage. God is Good! He is always with you even in your darkest hour.
It was heartbreaking to watch my son breakdown in tears overwhelmed by the moment and the accident. All the what ifs came flooding in. My Dad and I telling him every dumb thing we have ever done behind the wheel. He is so shaken up he can't even finish mowing the grass. And now this morning it is a haphazard mess of half cut grass beckoning to me from beyond the window. Believe me, it can wait for now.
By ten o'clock I have two of the three beds put back together, all the laundry that was washed before the madness is also put away, and my bedding is finally in the washer with more towels. I have finally taken my after the gym shower and I am nibbling on apples with peanut butter. A movie with my son and my last blanket comes out of the washer at 1 a.m.
The madness is over. I had made a call to my mom earlier in the day to make sure I was doing everything right. It was a chore for sure getting pillows dried while other stuff washed. It was difficult trying to maintain a sense of calm while my son was crying hysterically. But I had gotten down on the floor looking him in the eyes and explaining that we are in this together. And getting back up was so difficult because my knees were crying out in pain and I grimaced and struggled up and he gave me a big hug. It was okay. I had even called one of my Aunts that works in a daycare. After summing up the situation for her, she assured me I should be okay. Today my son's head will be shaved, if there is any doubt that will most likely take care of the issue.
Just remember that God will bring you through it all. Even the crazy over emotional disgusting stuff. God is there for you.
Have a blessed day
September 3 2016
The call from the school we all dread where in that moment you are confused, angry, disgusted, and panicked.
My child was being sent home with a nit in his hair. The nurse assured me it wasn't too big of a deal, but precautions must be taken immediately and he must come home. Okay, I can do that, right? By the time I made the twenty minute drive I had already made two other phone calls of warning to those who had been in contact with us. A battle plan was forming along with even more panic.
I arrive at the school and the nurse explains that this little problematic nit hasn't hatched and that there are only two. Wow! She seems so optimistic, so much more positive than I think anyone should feel at this news. I look around us and see a lot of frazzled staff members and think to myself that this is a temporary thing that shall pass, but when? The kind nurse checks my daughter and I and we are clear! The optimism in the nurse's voice rises a notch at this revelation.
In my mind I am thinking how my afternoon of quietly napping is ruined. That now I must run these two kids to the store immediately and all semblance of normalcy is over for us, but for how long? My poor little son is distressed over having bugs in his hair and when can we get medicine? Along with this is the questions "Why can't I play Pokémon while we are out?" "When can I play with my tablet?" All the while on the inside I am freaking out!
I have now called and messaged one good friend who can talk anyone down from a state of panic, and one essential oil friend. The plans are forming. I begin to relay said plans to the troops, I mean kids.
Once at the store I realize that the Friday before Labor Day is not a great afternoon in this smallish town to attempt an incognito trip for the remedy. Before I have passed beyond the bakery and their free cookies, I have already been spotted by an old friend. My son stands patiently by but I can see his agitation rising. I know that the clock is ticking. My oldest son is coming, I am starving, it is time for the kids to eat as well, and then there is this mess.
A few steps later as I am frantically trying to grab a few groceries on the way to the other side of the store, I am once again stopped and we chit chat for just a second. I see my third friend just after snatching sour cream, milk, and eggs from a shelf. And that is when my son states clearly, "Ms. K, I have bugs in my hair and we are going to get medicine for my hair in order to kill the bugs in my hair." Now if you have ever been around a child with hearing loss, you know this wasn't stated quietly, add to the fact he is very likely a Sensory Processing Disorder child, well you get where I am going. Fun times!
We finally made it through the entire store, and even having to ask the Sales Lady where to find the stuff, then make a choice, it wasn't too overwhelming. The Cashier was chatty, and explained that she had seen numerous parents purchasing this same product throughout the day. Well, isn't that nice to know? So in a cataclysmic way, I begin thinking maybe I should just not go anywhere with the kids for days on end since this could be a wide spread issue.
Once home I begin barking orders and the kids are complying through tears as favorite stuffed animals and blankets are the first for the hot water bath. Then I begin applying treatment to the kids. I have one terrified and crying hysterically as I wash out the stuff from his hair over the sink. Another who is excited and laughing and squealing at this odd procedure. Timer set, hot dogs put on the stove top, more bedding, blankets, and pillows piled onto the floor in the kitchen. More crying and squealing. Our little Chihuahua sits quietly on the couch observing the madness, almost gloating that the kids are getting a bath in the sink instead of him.
Ten minutes can be a long, long time.
Heads rinsed, a pile of towels and washcloths in the kitchen floor. The dreaded spray and combing begins as kids try to eat hot dogs on a bun with ketchup. I kid you not, this is the real deal.
Somehow in all of this madness, my Dad and Sister have stopped by and my oldest son has arrived. My Sister jumped in and began helping me give my daughter a bath while I checked my son one more time after his bath. Dryer is loaded and washer is loaded. The non-stop sound of laundry being done is in full force.
Thankfully my Dad offered to take my oldest son out on the town for a little while. At first I was sad and annoyed because I was still thinking he could start mowing the grass, but then I consented. Shortly after they left, I realized that I needed to eat. I found a boring show on the television ate a tiny snack and crashed on the couch for two hours. Upon waking I realized the two kids at home would need to eat, and I called in another favor to my Dad. So thankful for him. He brought cheeseburgers.
By this point, I have washed and dried all stuffed animals, all of my daughters bedding washed, now in the dryer, extra blankets, towels and some of my son's bedding are in the washer. It is now time to tackle the yard.
This was an experience in itself. My son said he could do this easily but the minutes ticked off as the mower is started and stopped and in between he is talking about what? I have no idea. Through my mounting exhaustion and annoyance I have hit a point of just moving. Somehow in the melee of getting cars moved around from the driveway to the road my son accidentally backed into my older car, sending it rolling a few feet down the hill. Lucky for us all, no damage. God is Good! He is always with you even in your darkest hour.
It was heartbreaking to watch my son breakdown in tears overwhelmed by the moment and the accident. All the what ifs came flooding in. My Dad and I telling him every dumb thing we have ever done behind the wheel. He is so shaken up he can't even finish mowing the grass. And now this morning it is a haphazard mess of half cut grass beckoning to me from beyond the window. Believe me, it can wait for now.
By ten o'clock I have two of the three beds put back together, all the laundry that was washed before the madness is also put away, and my bedding is finally in the washer with more towels. I have finally taken my after the gym shower and I am nibbling on apples with peanut butter. A movie with my son and my last blanket comes out of the washer at 1 a.m.
The madness is over. I had made a call to my mom earlier in the day to make sure I was doing everything right. It was a chore for sure getting pillows dried while other stuff washed. It was difficult trying to maintain a sense of calm while my son was crying hysterically. But I had gotten down on the floor looking him in the eyes and explaining that we are in this together. And getting back up was so difficult because my knees were crying out in pain and I grimaced and struggled up and he gave me a big hug. It was okay. I had even called one of my Aunts that works in a daycare. After summing up the situation for her, she assured me I should be okay. Today my son's head will be shaved, if there is any doubt that will most likely take care of the issue.
Just remember that God will bring you through it all. Even the crazy over emotional disgusting stuff. God is there for you.
Have a blessed day
September 3 2016
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Hidden from the World
It's a secret that many, in fact most people do not know about me. Closely guarded in my deep and dark closets of the heart and mind.
I dream of dying.
I imagine taking my own life and the aftermath.
I live in fear of going to hell, of action to quickly or not planning it out correctly.
There are times where it is the cold steel of a gun barrel pressed tightly against my forehead. I know this will never happen. I am terrified of guns and do not own one. I am not sure I could handle the weight in my hand. Not sure that the last sound I want my ears to hear is the blast of gun. Then there is the blood and the gore. I could not possibly imagine leaving that behind for others to clean up and remember for the rest of their lives.
Over dosing on medication that I do not have in my home.
More often it is the desire to drive my car as fast as I can off a bridge into a waiting river.
But I love my life.
I am just not sure how to please everyone. How to deal with the demons of my past. No amount of praying has freed me from them yet.
It is the times that people are not happy with me. The times that I make a mistake. They make my insides want to crumple and fade away.
I do not want to leave my children behind. I do not want them asking all of the their lives what they did wrong to make me want to go away.
Daily I struggle
Daily I survive
Daily I put on a good front
Depression is always lurking in the background. Forcing me to gobble up every sweet thing I can find in my house. To skip the gym. To huddle under a blanket sleeping all day and all night while the world continues on without me.
Pushing through is the hardest. Making myself hear positive thoughts, be positive, get moving.
Knowing that it will all pay off one day somehow
As I pretend to be okay the majority of the time.
As I find activities that I enjoy and want to participate in
I am here
Just a woman in a man's world twisting this way and that
Just a mom making the children happy every day
Just a wife trying to be submissive and fun and adventurous
I have got this in the bag
I must have this in the bag
For them
For myself
For God
August 25, 2016
I dream of dying.
I imagine taking my own life and the aftermath.
I live in fear of going to hell, of action to quickly or not planning it out correctly.
There are times where it is the cold steel of a gun barrel pressed tightly against my forehead. I know this will never happen. I am terrified of guns and do not own one. I am not sure I could handle the weight in my hand. Not sure that the last sound I want my ears to hear is the blast of gun. Then there is the blood and the gore. I could not possibly imagine leaving that behind for others to clean up and remember for the rest of their lives.
Over dosing on medication that I do not have in my home.
More often it is the desire to drive my car as fast as I can off a bridge into a waiting river.
But I love my life.
I am just not sure how to please everyone. How to deal with the demons of my past. No amount of praying has freed me from them yet.
It is the times that people are not happy with me. The times that I make a mistake. They make my insides want to crumple and fade away.
I do not want to leave my children behind. I do not want them asking all of the their lives what they did wrong to make me want to go away.
Daily I struggle
Daily I survive
Daily I put on a good front
Depression is always lurking in the background. Forcing me to gobble up every sweet thing I can find in my house. To skip the gym. To huddle under a blanket sleeping all day and all night while the world continues on without me.
Pushing through is the hardest. Making myself hear positive thoughts, be positive, get moving.
Knowing that it will all pay off one day somehow
As I pretend to be okay the majority of the time.
As I find activities that I enjoy and want to participate in
I am here
Just a woman in a man's world twisting this way and that
Just a mom making the children happy every day
Just a wife trying to be submissive and fun and adventurous
I have got this in the bag
I must have this in the bag
For them
For myself
For God
August 25, 2016
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Own It
Today I turned 40. It was not a horrendous event for me. I refused to let myself get worked up over this milestone birthday.
Instead I owned it.
I am 40.
I am 40 and I feel fabulous.
Confidence is becoming stronger. Because I spend a lot of time at the gym, I have arms that are starting to look toned. I like my arms!
The day flew by. Busy as I always am.
I cooked like normal and I even baked banana bread to pass on and bless someone. It was a huge success.
There was not a lot of laughter, but I was satisfied and happy.
My heart is full and I know I am truly blessed.
The decisions that need to be made can wait until another day.
There are things that could have made today even better. Every moment today made it special.
Instead I owned it.
I am 40.
I am 40 and I feel fabulous.
Confidence is becoming stronger. Because I spend a lot of time at the gym, I have arms that are starting to look toned. I like my arms!
The day flew by. Busy as I always am.
I cooked like normal and I even baked banana bread to pass on and bless someone. It was a huge success.
There was not a lot of laughter, but I was satisfied and happy.
My heart is full and I know I am truly blessed.
The decisions that need to be made can wait until another day.
There are things that could have made today even better. Every moment today made it special.
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Presentation
The choice to sell the house we have outgrown finally became a reality. After much debating and preparing, it was time. The task of getting it to look presentable and as close to empty as possible fell to me.
The Realtor was honest in saying it had to look presentable, less clutter. This proved a daunting concept. I took on the challenge.
I went out to our tiny little storage shed an began to rearrange the clutter there. Then I began pulling things out of closets and furniture out of rooms. What would not fit nicely in the house was crammed into the shed. Now our lawnmower barely fits in there. I am sure had I wanted to, I could have pulled even more out.
After getting things into the shed, I began working on the linen closet. Extra towels and blankets were bagged and stuffed underneath beds. I then put bed ruffles on each bed to hide that stuff. Extra kitchen items, which nearly broke my heart, were also placed in the shed or underneath a bed.
I finally got all four closets empty enough you can see the floors. Never mind that my daughters favorite bench is stuffed in her closet and piled on princess dresses rest in a clump. Thankfully the grocery store had a sale on plants. I went from my two snake plants outside to eight more plants. I placed three of them in a high clutter area to hopefully prevent future accumulation. Each bedroom now has a plant.
A daily struggle with the kids takes place everyday. Pick up your toys immediately after you are finished with them. Don't mess up the couch covers and throw pillows. Even our little doggie feels a little lost with all the chaos of constant picking things up. The goal is to make the house look as empty as possible while living in it but not really living in it. Should someone come to look at it I will have to send my little doggie out the door along with his food, water and bed. I already have a list of places he is welcome. I am also prepared to carry him around with me in his carrier.
I wash clothes nearly everyday. Not because they are dirty but because I want the laundry baskets empty, but then this means the clean clothes stay in the dryer or are folded and put away. This is not something that I excel at. 
My prayer is that the house sells soon enough but not too soon. More to come on this adventure.
Where It May Lead (Daydream)
Pick the perfect play list on this phone of mine. Crank it up.
Slip into something slinky, after a long hot soak in the bathtub. Smelling fresh and fruity like the lotion I prefer.
Pour that glass of wine.
Look him in the eye and begin to sway ever so lazy. Listening to each sensual beat and letting it take over.
Watching him step ever so close before laying hands upon my shoulders and pressing his mouth hard against mine.
Letting him push me back against the wall and passion flow from him to me and back to him.
We know where this will end.
Tangled sheets and slick bodies pressed together. Clinging to each other as if there is no other way to survive.
All that transpired before this moment forgotten. Becoming one and letting all worries slide away. Knowing that I belong to you and you belong to me.
The door is closed and locked.
But the kids know where we are and nights like this they prove to be restless. And the inevitable knock upon the door will threaten to bring us back to earth. Taming the urgency and leaving a taste of what will happen once the kids are settled again.
August 9 2016
Slip into something slinky, after a long hot soak in the bathtub. Smelling fresh and fruity like the lotion I prefer.
Pour that glass of wine.
Look him in the eye and begin to sway ever so lazy. Listening to each sensual beat and letting it take over.
Watching him step ever so close before laying hands upon my shoulders and pressing his mouth hard against mine.
Letting him push me back against the wall and passion flow from him to me and back to him.
We know where this will end.
Tangled sheets and slick bodies pressed together. Clinging to each other as if there is no other way to survive.
All that transpired before this moment forgotten. Becoming one and letting all worries slide away. Knowing that I belong to you and you belong to me.
The door is closed and locked.
But the kids know where we are and nights like this they prove to be restless. And the inevitable knock upon the door will threaten to bring us back to earth. Taming the urgency and leaving a taste of what will happen once the kids are settled again.
August 9 2016
Monday, August 8, 2016
Never Imagined
Life has a way of taking you on a journey. You set your course and plod away and before you know it the paths twist and turn. Some will merge others will go in an entirely different direction. It is important to stay focused on what's before you. Hold your memories tight in your heart, but don't let the broken dreams or past heartaches snag you in their branches.
The possibilities of what could or could not happen are endless. You hold the decision making tool in your hands. When standing at the edge of dark forest, or endless cornfield, it is up to you whether or not you enter. But fate may play a hand or two on what you will encounter.
One day you will wake up and realize that you are no where near where you thought you might be. The people around you have most likely changed numerous times along the way. Look up and thank God that you are where you are. Why? That is exactly where you need to be.
Over the years my life has changed direction many different times. From childhoods angst and darkness, shrouded in confusion and lack of true guidance I gained a hardened heart. Into young adulthood and supposed true love and selfishness I found myself at the edge of freedom's vast meadow. Through wild grasses blowing against my face as a warm breeze blows. The taste for alcohol acquired and desired.
A pregnancy at a time when wild oats were still being sown. Heartache, shame, anger, and hatred are boiling emotions deep within my soul. This journey would begin at the bottom of a mountain and lead me up into the snowy peaks of frozen hopes and dreams. Down into warmer valleys that would flood from never ending rain leaving me to find a way through roiling water and mud. The debris around me swirling and leading me down a darker path.
When at the bottom I look up and see the blue sky and know that for a time I may have found my rainbows end. Where once I was shiftless and belonging nowhere I now had a permanent address that was MINE. My child's laughter would ring through the halls. The yard forever a mess of toys and dogs. My Mother's issues and my desire to improve clashing like cold and hot air. Thunderclouds rolling above and below. And still this child hyper as can be could often find happiness everywhere.
Not to last as he grew older he became more sullen. Medication turning him into a strange being who didn't want to eat or sleep at normal times. Now his anger was competing with the adults. This house that he called home. This house that he knew was his.
Change.
In a moment's notice it all changed.
His world went from perceived normal to a new reality. A man has moved in and a baby is to come. Wedding bells and new rules and stipulations. How to fit in, how to get through the webs of confusion. Crying mother and frustrated step father. A new baby is here and what to do with him. He is different and in a hospital and when he comes home chaos rules.
Suddenly everything is about that baby.
What about me? The son? The one who came first, the one you swore would always be your only baby? And now suddenly this house you promised me. The car that you said would be mine at sixteen.
Nothing is mine.
Not even my own mother. A stranger living inside of her body. Her laughter is forced. Her smiles are rare. Her stress radiates through the house like a minefield. No one knows their place only that treading lightly is the way to go.
And now the house is for sale. It will belong to none of us.
And the son's place will be lost for sure. His angry father lashing out to him about his mother.
He is torn between a world of normalcy and kindness, manners and thoughtfulness. And one much darker where it is everyone for themselves, racism and chauvinism.
Many moments he knows not who to love. His father who tries to make him realize what an awful uncaring mother he has. Or his mother who tries too hard to remain neutral.
Chaos.
That is the new reality.
As the house that once promised stability and a future is put on the market ready to be sold.
Chaos that could never have been imagined.
The possibilities of what could or could not happen are endless. You hold the decision making tool in your hands. When standing at the edge of dark forest, or endless cornfield, it is up to you whether or not you enter. But fate may play a hand or two on what you will encounter.
One day you will wake up and realize that you are no where near where you thought you might be. The people around you have most likely changed numerous times along the way. Look up and thank God that you are where you are. Why? That is exactly where you need to be.
Over the years my life has changed direction many different times. From childhoods angst and darkness, shrouded in confusion and lack of true guidance I gained a hardened heart. Into young adulthood and supposed true love and selfishness I found myself at the edge of freedom's vast meadow. Through wild grasses blowing against my face as a warm breeze blows. The taste for alcohol acquired and desired.
A pregnancy at a time when wild oats were still being sown. Heartache, shame, anger, and hatred are boiling emotions deep within my soul. This journey would begin at the bottom of a mountain and lead me up into the snowy peaks of frozen hopes and dreams. Down into warmer valleys that would flood from never ending rain leaving me to find a way through roiling water and mud. The debris around me swirling and leading me down a darker path.
When at the bottom I look up and see the blue sky and know that for a time I may have found my rainbows end. Where once I was shiftless and belonging nowhere I now had a permanent address that was MINE. My child's laughter would ring through the halls. The yard forever a mess of toys and dogs. My Mother's issues and my desire to improve clashing like cold and hot air. Thunderclouds rolling above and below. And still this child hyper as can be could often find happiness everywhere.
Not to last as he grew older he became more sullen. Medication turning him into a strange being who didn't want to eat or sleep at normal times. Now his anger was competing with the adults. This house that he called home. This house that he knew was his.
Change.
In a moment's notice it all changed.
His world went from perceived normal to a new reality. A man has moved in and a baby is to come. Wedding bells and new rules and stipulations. How to fit in, how to get through the webs of confusion. Crying mother and frustrated step father. A new baby is here and what to do with him. He is different and in a hospital and when he comes home chaos rules.
Suddenly everything is about that baby.
What about me? The son? The one who came first, the one you swore would always be your only baby? And now suddenly this house you promised me. The car that you said would be mine at sixteen.
Nothing is mine.
Not even my own mother. A stranger living inside of her body. Her laughter is forced. Her smiles are rare. Her stress radiates through the house like a minefield. No one knows their place only that treading lightly is the way to go.
And now the house is for sale. It will belong to none of us.
And the son's place will be lost for sure. His angry father lashing out to him about his mother.
He is torn between a world of normalcy and kindness, manners and thoughtfulness. And one much darker where it is everyone for themselves, racism and chauvinism.
Many moments he knows not who to love. His father who tries to make him realize what an awful uncaring mother he has. Or his mother who tries too hard to remain neutral.
Chaos.
That is the new reality.
As the house that once promised stability and a future is put on the market ready to be sold.
Chaos that could never have been imagined.
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