Pictures That Bring Peace to My Soul

1.) The Delta Garden At the Gaylord Opryland Hotel in Nashville Tennessee.

2.) Gulf Shores Alabama



3.) Gulf Shores Alabama

4.) Gulf Shores Alabama

5.) Gentry's Farm Franklin Tennessee

6.) Montgomery Bell State Park Trail as it crosses the creek near Hall Cemetery in Burns Tennessee

7.) One of the Boat Docks at Montgomery Bell State Park in Burns Tennessee

8.) Luther Lake Dickson Tennessee

9.) Dunbar Cave in Clarksville Tennessee

10.) These were picked for me by my oldest son

11.) Water Splashing up around a truck, this was taken on a dirt road in Burns Tennessee

12.) Buckner Park Ball Park Dickson Tennessee

13.) Taken from the back of a truck at the intersection of Hwy 47 and 46 in Dickson Tennessee

 

 Each one of these pictures has a story. A story that I am going to share with you in hopes that you too may find solace in the scenes just as I do.

1.) I recently came across this picture and realized that this picture was taken after Gaylord Opryland Hotel opened the Delta Gardens. It is such a lovely place, especially at Christmas. If you ever find yourself in Nashville during the holidays, go check out the Christmas lights at the hotel. It is a lot of walking, but worth every bit of it. This picture was taken before I became a mother, at a time when I was having an okay relationship with my mom and her close friend. All of us and my sister were there that day enjoy some laughter and relaxation.

2. through 4.) All Gulf Shores, probably from 2007. The first time I ever went there was in 2007. I had recently been fired from a job, it was a real wake up call. For a short time I took some time off from working and just let the unemployment coast me along. This was a time to get myself together and spend time with my oldest son. But I went to Gulf Shores in the Spring of 2007, and I fell in love with the ocean. I loved the sound of it, it just lulled me into a different place. Someday I hope to own a house close to the beach. I want to hear the waves lapping at the sand. These pictures were on the cubicle at my last job. They were there to soothe me on rough days.

5.) Gentry's Farm. I was barely pregnant in the fall of 2008. I went here on the spur of the moment with my sister, my oldest son, and her new baby. It was a warm day. But it was nice to see the pumpkin patch, get lost in the corn maze, check out the barn. This is one of the oldest working farms in Tennessee. The main house was beautiful. This was a little boat dock the hay ride took you past. I was still working at this time and I hung this picture up at my cubicle to remind me of warm sunny days.

6.) The trail that runs between Hall Cemetery and Montgomery Bell State park is a very long trail. It is a nice trail to just mosey along and enjoy the sounds of nature. I just happened to come across this picture in my picture box and thought it looked so pretty and peaceful.

7.) This is one of the boat docks at Montgomery Bell State Park. The entire park has a lot of trails that take you back into the woods but civilization is always close by. Its so nice to take the kids and walk a trail and wade in a creek or stand by the lakes and watch the ducks.

8.) Luther Lake is a wonderful little lake with Ducks and sometimes you can see a turtle. It's in the middle of town, but you can walk around the lake and if you go often enough you will see the same people pretty much everyday. There was an older gentleman with two prosthetic legs who walked around this lake every day no matter the weather. I often wonder if he is still out there walking. When I would drive by him I would think to myself "girl you are so lazy, look at this man and his drive to reach a goal, because I'm sure that is why he is out here"

9.) I went to Dunbar Cave in Clarksville Tennessee many years ago. I snapped this picture and it actually turned out pretty good. I used to have a copy of it framed and hanging on my wall. This was also around the time I was still thinking I might be a photographer.

10.) My oldest son picked these for me from the field across from our house. I put them in this pretty green vase. To me the gesture was the same as if he had given me roses.

11.) This was during the time I wanted to write a book about small town life and include pictures. My sister is actually the one who rode in the back of the truck to get the perfect shot. I bet it took at least ten tries to get it right. Of course back when this was taken we were using 35mm film.

12.) This was taken in 1998. This was also one of the days that my life took a turn. My best friend that I had been inseparable from since our sophomore year was moving to Arkansas. I was so sad that day and the shading in this picture to me reflects that sadness.

13.) Like I said, small town life reflected in pictures taken from the back of a truck, and by my sister.

 

The Harlots Path

This is a story of a young girl whose mother always called her a slut,and a whore.  She didn't know exactly what it meant, but she knew it was a bad thing. This young girl loved to read. This gave her a chance to escape the reality around her. She would read anything that she could get her hands on and somehow she came across Harlequin Romance books. It was through these books that she got the idea that someday a man was going to come and sweep her off her feet. She also learned that when you were in love you did all kinds of things.

During one Aunt's visit, she was astounded that her young niece was reading such adult books, books that even she didn't read. She was a very devout Christian and she was always urging her brother to go to church, to take his daughters to church. He didn't want to go though because he knew their mother would want to go and he found her such an embarrassment. He had no idea that his daughter was reading such adult books. But what could he do? He wasn't around all the time, so there wasn't much he could do. He knew he could tell her all day long not to, but once he left she would because out of defiance her mother would let her.

This young girl was lost. Her home life was a horrible mess. Her mother was always telling her how horrible her father was. After all he had left and when he left the story goes he told her she was fat and very embarrassing. How could he just throw away nineteen years of marriage. Things got really bad when he walked out as she would put it. She always made sure that her daughters knew that all men were worthless and they only wanted one thing.

After he moved out he tried to come over as often as possible, but really wasn't around much, he worked a lot.  He was a good father, he didn't show a lot of affection, he probably didn't realize how vital it was to show affection to his daughters. He left pretty much everything to do with raising daughters up to his ex wife. All the decisions on how they dressed, did their  hair, whatever, it was up to her. If they complained to him about their mother being mean or hitting them or something he would tell them that they had probably done something to deserve it.

The girl doesn't know what is true and what is not true. She thinks it must be like this in all families. She loves going to school because she can escape the madness at home. Even being bullied at school isn't quite as bad as being home with her mother. Her mother has no idea how to be happy and doesn't want anyone else to be happy. She fights for control over her daughter's lives. It doesn't matter to her if they like what she makes them do or wear. What matters is that she is in complete control. But you see the oldest was growing up, she was starting to notice the world around her.

There aren't really any positive influences around her. Sometimes she goes to stay with her Christian Aunt and goes to church. But she didn't hear God's call. She would go to the Sunday school with her cousins, she would sing the songs and pretend to listen to the sermon, but she really didn't hear the message.

Things started looking up for her when she got to the eighth grade, she finally found a friend that was like her. They both walked to school and started talking. Through this friend she discovered heavy metal music and how easy it was to relate to those lyrics. She went to her first concert and fell madly in love with the lead singer of the band. Finally she had something she could love. Something that could tell her story and she could find release from the pain all around her. She still didn't fit in. But she learned that black was her favorite color and would wear solid black for the next several years.

Now sometime during her eighth grade year she thought she was ready to go to the next level. There was this guy who was in ninth grade but ran track at the high school. Every day he would walk from the Junior High to the High School, and he just happened to walk by her house. So she started talking to him and doing her best to flirt with him, but it wasn't really working. So this one day he comes into her house, That day there was no one home. It was such a beautiful sunny day and the sunlight was pouring in through her bedroom windows. They start to make out and she is feeling so confused. Why isn't this going they way it does in the books? Why aren't the angels singing and the birds chirping and where are the sparks and the fire? He senses something is off, so he pushes away and realizes she isn't ready, not by a long shot. When she starts to cry and explain that she wants the magic the books describe he laughs and tells her it isn't really like that. And then leaves.

Now she is all confused, the girls always talked about how much fun it was. They chattered all through lunch about the things they did with their high school boyfriends. They made fun of her for not knowing or doing these things. They were even smoking in the bathroom! What was wrong with her?

When her one friend moved away and she could only see her one weekend a month, she felt really lost. Her mother was even more angry at her now that she was older and listened to heavy metal. One day the girl decided she would start wearing all black, she grew her hair out long and when she wore make up it was black. She did this for the next several years. Black made her feel more invisible, more able to face what was out there. The music gave her an escape. But she still desperately wanted to be like the other girls.

She started hanging out with some new girls. They were her age, and one of them had an older sister. The older sister was a bit on the wild side. One of the girls was like her and more shy and didn't really date and had never done anything with a  boy outside of kissing. The other girl had and she had a looser boyfriend who drank and smoked and they did it all of the time. They hung around some other girls who were the same. When she would go to the girls house she would sometimes feel afraid and other times she would enjoy the wild joy rides in the Dad's cars. She was horrified when she would see the couples in bed together. But somehow she new this is how it was supposed to be. This was how you became cool.

There was a boy who lived close to her. It wasn't really an attraction, but more a curiosity. He was bad news through and through. He talked about there being no God, but she was pulled into his web of deception. She gave him her virtue and began a horrible pattern of giving in to boys wishes. She knew in school that condoms were a must yet settled for saran wrap. He now had a grip on her mind, the night mares would wake her in the middle of the night. She had to fight to free herself from the darkness. But the worst was when she decided to do the deed the very afternoon her grandparents were coming  for a visit. Then her mother started telling them what a good girl she was. Shame burned all through her.

Thus the pattern was set, the path before her was becoming brighter. She didn't look back, she didn't look for another way out, she just continued on. The path was surrounded by dense foliage and the only sounds were that of despair and worthlessness. She began fighting even more with her mother. She became a very bitter young woman. She was lost.

The second boyfriend she tried to control. She gave in, she did things she never should have done. She snuck out in the middle of the night she lost all self worth by letting things go to lengths that no decent young lady should ever go to. She knew shame first hand. Being caught by his father in the act, after the parents had let her come over multiple times for visits. The unthinkable happened and the shame deepened as did the feelings of hopelessness. It was during this time that she began to really act out. She would pour bleach over her head, she wanted to die so badly. She knew what was going on with her body. She knew there was only one way out and she would never tell her father. Only her mother could help her out of this mess.

It was a horrible trip a horrible experience. Yet she came out of it on top and for a short time she vowed to change her ways but she had no idea how. All of her friends were like her they just did whatever they wanted. They didn't listen to their parents. Some even smoked and drank alcohol, but she never did.

She fell into a hopeless pattern that would continue throughout high school. She did manage to meet a young man her senior year that seemed like a dream come true. But due to her unhappiness and her inability to not be selfish she had no idea how to make it work. She was always angry and given to very angry outbursts, so it didn't work out.

Then she was thrust into a different world, a world after divorce. Now the irony of this was that now she knew God. She had found him while being married. She wanted to stay with God and did for a time, but she was so lonely and some of her friends were inviting her to party with them.  The church she once attended she had stopped going to because her ex husband went there. At another church she started going to, she realized she worked with several of the people. They didn't seem to notice or care, and none reached out a hand to welcome her into this new fold. So she turned her back on God, she stepped off the narrow path and onto the wide path. She gave her soul up to cigarettes and alcohol. She became a girl who could drink with the best of them. Who loved Vodka and how it could erase her mind.

She loved men, she loved to use men. She loved to manipulate them, to tease them but to not give in to all of them. Some of them she would use just to use. She would still be living he life but not with the one that was spoiling her. She loved the power she got from bringing them down. She ignored God all the while.

This time she kept the baby. This time she vowed it would be different. She tried so hard, she even went to school. But it was at the school that she found a girl who introduced her to the bar scene and a new personality emerged. One that was completely out of control. One who loved her son with all her might, but within limits. She could give him only so much of herself because the rest of her was out looking for love in all the wrong places.

Drinking and driving and sinning and dancing and parading everything she had for all the world to see. It is a wonder that God ever accepted her back into the fold, but he did.

The point of this is, that we must love our daughters, we must teach them to love themselves. To respect themselves. To save themselves for marriage. We have to guide them down the correct path. This is a job for both parents. God wants our daughters to grow into strong women who can guide their own children and other young women down the narrow path.

It isn't easy to stay on the narrow path but if our eyes are focused on God then we can do it. Love your daughters show them that true beauty comes from within and that waiting for marriage is the best gift that they can give to a husband, for it is God's will.

It is important to reach out to those that are going through troubled times. It is important to set aside time for them. To reach out to them. We must spread God's words, we must love one another as he loved us. If one person had reached out to this girl and really meant it and really stayed with her, this story might have been very different. Sometimes people don't realize they are drowning until it is to late. Pray with out ceasing for everyone. I pray all day as I scroll through my face book page. I pray for everyone on my face book page, you should too.

If Only It Were That Easy

I feel that in order to explain how I learned to step out on faith that I must share the story of getting my husband's expired visa situation corrected. I also need to express how maddening it is to hear the phrase "Why can't they just go get a Green Card?" Well, because it is a long drawn out expensive and time consuming process and if you have never experienced it first hand, then you will never understand.

My husband came to the United States in 2006 under the pretense that he would do some training for this company he worked for in Mexico. They wanted him to train in Iowa and then go back. He agreed to do this, but then called his Uncle who lives in Nashville. So they worked it out that he would fly into the United States and he would go to Nashville to work instead. This way he could send enough money to Mexico to buy his parents a house. Little did he know at that time how drastically different things would go.

To hire the lawyer that day we had to hand over $1,500. We were able to do this because I had set money aside to cover my maternity leave. I did it with no hesitation. I just knew that this man sitting beside of me had to be there for me for all time.

The lawyer had already explained that if things didn't work out and he didn't get a Green Card that he could have to go back to Mexico for a minimum of 10 years. I was terrified of this happening, but I was more terrified of not trying to get him a Green Card.

As previously explained in my last post, I met him at a Mexican Restaurant where he worked and we began dating, got pregnant, and got married. The lawyer we hired sent us to get a marriage license the day we hired him. We had only two weeks to be married and have all utilities and my I.D. with my married name. Now don't get me wrong, I was really excited about marrying him and starting a new life with him. He makes my heart sing, even then, he made my heart sing.

So we got married in a small church in our hometown. My former Mother-In-Law, who was a pastor agreed to marry us. She did the counseling with us. She went over how we each felt about our religious preference. He is Catholic, I am Baptist. And she deemed us serious enough and in love enough to go through with it.

Since this was my second marriage, and my father was not in agreement with it at this time, we had to pay for it. Lucky for us so many things fell into place. The cake was made by a co worker of mine, I bought the little cake topper and the materials to make flowers at a local craft store. My sister's in laws also agreed to help us out. Cousin D made my skirt since I was very pregnant and couldn't do a nice dress. I bought my shirt at a local department store. My oldest son was giving me away. Because we were getting married on a Wednesday at 4pm not a lot of people could be there. No regrets here. I feel as if everyone that mattered was there. It was really nice because my Aunt and Uncle from Michigan were passing through town that day so they were there.

My day began with work at 7, I was off by 9 and my sister met me at my house and we headed over to a friends house to get our hair done. Things didn't go as fast there as I had originally anticipated because my sister and I had a lot of hair at that time. My husband came to pick me up so we could go to our doctor's appointment, we heard our baby's heart beat. Then he rode with my dad and my sisters fiancé to the church. I waited on my sister to get there and then we went to the church.

Fast forward to the day we met with the lawyer again and turned in all our paperwork. Then we had to go over every place he had ever lived in Mexico and the United States, He had to be precise with why he came to the United States. He had to swear to tell the truth because not telling the truth could hurt his case. Then we had to get at least ten letters stating that we were married, and that he wasn't marrying me just for papers. These letters also had to be notarized. Now I knew this wasn't the case because he had changed his mind so many times about getting papers because he was afraid of that being said about him.

They also needed a picture album. We would have to take it with us to Memphis to show how my husband was an integral part of our lives. So we took baby shower pictures, wedding pictures, birthday picture, you name it we took it. Because we needed it to be good, I began calling them propaganda pictures. This was because we took pictures every where and of everything. But we made a nice little album. And it worked too.

All of our lawyer appointments were in Nashville and on Wednesdays. That was his day off, and I would work until noon and then take the rest of the day off. It was easy in the beginning because I only went to the doctor once a month so we tried to keep lawyer appointments on this same day.

The first appointment we had to do was for finger prints. This was a very stressful day. We drove to this part of Nashville that I am sure I have never been to in my life. Because it is a government building you must leave your phone in the car. So we go inside and they take my husband's visa and his Mexican I.Ds and they ask him questions about who his Mom and Dad are where they live where they were born. Then the guy takes those with him and they are passed around the office. Here I am pregnant and thinking oh my gosh if they arrest him I am going to have to drive home from here. What will I do? What if they don't let him give me the car keys? But in the end he answered all the questions correctly and he was fingerprinted and we were off on our way.

 We have to turn in all of our proof of income, my tax returns and his for the last three years, my divorce decree from my first marriage, my custody and child support status. A letter from my place of employment stating how long I had worked there and what I made an hour. Then he had to see an immigration doctor to get a complete physical and a TB shot. Bad part of that was the doctor being over an hour away. I had to go with him to this appointment because he didn't have a car that would make that trip safely and he had no driver's license and it was my car that we took. The first day we went it was pouring down rain and there was so much traffic. It was $100 for this appointment. Then the following week we had to go back so they could look at the TB shot injection site and make sure it was okay. We survived that.

The next appointment we had to make was for me to be examined by a psychiatrist that handled immigration cases. This was a horrible day for me. I worked the first half of the day, missed lunch because we didn't want to be late, and we thought that appointment would be fast, it was not. I was in that tiny room with this crazy looking guy who truthfully gave me the creeps for probably five hours. Anyway I had to take all these questionnaires about how I feel about everything under the moon. He interviewed both of us and asked us how we felt about each other the upcoming birth of our baby, and what if he couldn't be a citizen. Then he started asking questions about my past. The lawyer and my good friend the hair stylist both said give it to him straight the crazier the better. It was a horrible day. And yes we had to pay at least $100 for this.

Now all during this time we really don't have a lot of money. My husband is a waiter, I'm making $7 an hour when I am there, which between my pregnancy and immigration stuff isn't a whole lot. We were both under a lot of pressure. I have a son that is trying to adjust to his mom getting married and having a new baby, and he has ADHD. Some days my husband makes a lot of tips and some days he doesn't. You must also keep in mind I came with a  lot of debt, and yes he still married me.

So we do everything that we are supposed to do and the lawyer sends in the paperwork. By this time my husband has gotten a permit and license and a work visa. So things are rolling along. But the license and visa will both expire in one year. Then the baby comes early and this is disturbing both because he is born with health issues and because it could upset our income. See another thing that people don't realize is that if you are applying for a Green Card you must have a sponsor. That sponsor has to make a certain amount of money each year. This also goes for adoptions from other countries. We had just barely made it with just me as a sponsor and the reason that worked out was due to the child support I received.

You also cannot receive any government assistance like food stamps or housing during the process and for up to five years after. Because WIC was in a grey area, we decided once we were married not to get it anymore. We were buying groceries on an as needed basis. Unless there was a Nashville trip for the lawyer, my car and his truck got the minimum amount of gasoline. We were covered up in debt. The hospital bills for our son were astronomical. It didn't take long for them to start calling after he was discharged from the hospital. It was like everyday was a rainy day. And we had it easy. Most immigrants that file for a Green Card in the United States are sent back to Mexico to wait out the process there. This means that if they are the provider for their family they have to go back to Mexico and leave the family here and pray to God that they get the Green Card and get to come back.

In June we had to go to Memphis for the big immigration hearing. Lucky for us I was on maternity leave. We looked at it as an adventure, but we paid for our hotel with a credit card. The hotels that were the closest to the Immigration offices were pretty pricey. Since our appointment was at 8am we figured it was much wiser to go down the night before. It was a three hour drive. We tried to make the most of that night. The baby was up all night, we took turns napping. The next day we had to get there early to hire an interpreter for $150. The irony being the guy that did our interview didn't even let him translate for my husband.

I knew we were in big trouble when we walked into the office and that guy was on the phone asking "he never showed up?" Immediately he started grilling my husband. I'm just praying over and over "Thine own will Lord" So he asks my husband about that job in Iowa and did he go and Thank our lucky stars he told the truth and said no I never went. He made my husband stand on one leg and turn in a circle to establish that he could speak and understand English. He asked me hard questions. And then when it was all over he held up a piece of paper and said "this was going to be your Green Card, but because you didn't go to Iowa at all and you stayed in the United States past your Visa expiration date I'm not going to give it to you, but you will have to file for a waiver. He said he was only doing this because my husband had been honest with him. I nearly fainted. I was so relieved that we were thrown this little life raft.

Now the amazing thing was our baby fell asleep just before our appointment that morning and he didn't wake up until we were just about back to our hometown. The guy told us that we will need at least 25 letters stating why we need my husband to be here. We will need medical records. We got into the car and hit the interstate and I pushed the worry aside. I picked up my phone and began calling everyone I could think of, my family, my friends, my church family. I began asking for people to write us these letters. By the time we hit our hometown we had made a lawyer appointment in Nashville. It was a grim story. To hire him would be another $3,000. That was if I agreed to round up whatever information they needed to build our case. That also meant that I had to do as much as possible in the remaining three weeks before I returned to work.

By this point I had given up on nursing our son. I was in a huge funk, I had gained  a lot of weight, we were fighting all of the time. I hated it being this way, but it is really hard to live with someone and not know if these are going to be the last days before he is sent far away and you remain to raise the kids. Everything that could possibly go wrong during this time did. The lawn mower we borrowed from my Dad died, we had minor car issues. We were flat broke. My Dad loaned us money during this time. He helped us make the lawyer fees. We had to pay that lawyer $500 a month, which was nearly one of my pay checks.

My Dad was coming around to my husband by this time. He told me that he didn't want my husband to be deported because that wouldn't be good for any of us. My Dad helped with my older son. He was my rock. God made all of this come together. Because when he didn't get the Green Card the first time, it meant that we had to rely on God to make it all work out. I remember the day I received my copy of the Physiatrists report. I remember I crumpled onto the floor crying. I was screaming "how could this be God's Will? How? This whole things says I'm Crazy and that my husband and I were uneducated" I was crying to my closest friend at that time and she had already gone through the process. There were so many dark moments during this time. To top it off my husband and I had only been married three months when we went to Memphis.

My husband was a really awesome waiter. He made a lot of good friends. People that came to respect him as a hard working individual who put the needs of his family before his own. He worked the entire time our son was in the NICU, he dealt with my crazy post partum outburst, he dealt with my older son acting out, with our dog, and still he went to work with a smile on his face.

It all comes together and I hand over the last of the paper work in September. It is now out of my hands. I had done everything that I could possibly do. I had gone to every doctor's office and gotten medical records for my oldest son, who had ADHD, for our youngest son, for myself. I had gotten dental records. Just our youngest son's medical records had cost $250, we used a credit card to pay for them. So at the very end I was talking to the Paralegal at least once  a day. I'm struggling at work because it is a high demand job and like a call center. The receptionist was trying to cover for me, but it was showing my work ethic was at an all time low. So was my self esteem. But I was praying all of the time.

I had a little Gideon's Bible that I kept on my desk and I read it every chance I got. Some of my co workers didn't like me because I missed a lot of work, because I was married to a Mexican who was now trying to get papers. It was non stop drama some days.

The days of waiting turn into weeks, now we are into October, oh my gosh the paralegal is calling me again! I am so weary today, I just cannot take anymore. As I answer the phone, I am telling her all this and I'm not really hearing her, but then something she said made me pause.... Did she really just say what I think she said? Please repeat what you said "I'm calling to tell you that your husband got the Green Card, it is only for two years, but he got it! I could hear bells going off in my head, it took everything I had not to jump up and down and scream "Glory Be To God" I called my husband and told him, but he wouldn't believe it until we got the letter in the mail.

The moral of the story here is that I had to learn to let go and let God, I had to find my inner strength to go the distance and then let go and let God. Never give up. God has a plan for each of us, it may not be the expected outcome, but it is the outcome he knows is best for you.

Baby Love Turns Five

Six years ago I was eating in a Mexican restaurant with my oldest son. We ate there all the time, most of the staff knew us. Anyway this one day we had this really quiet and shy waiter. I had seen him around and knew he was an awesome waiter. So somehow as we are ordering and eating our meal he strikes up a conversation with my son. Now this being that he hardly knew English, and my son and I knew no Spanish. The end result was he received my phone number from my son.

It is really odd how it all came together, but I know that God was the reason it all worked out. I was struggling to find my way back into the Lord's fold. I was also very sick and had no clue. So we started talking and it wasn't really serious in the beginning. The beginning being like a few short months before we put the baby before the baby carriage.

But shortly after we started talking he was over at my house and we were watching a movie. I became violently sick. I vomited that entire night. The amazing thing was that he stayed with me the entire night.

 I was in so much pain, I was eating aspirin like candy, and I even had a few muscle relaxers on hand that I also took. But the pain wouldn't go away. It was a burning knife in my side. I knew this meant I had a kidney stone. By the next morning I was in no condition to drive and could barely walk. My sister came to get me and take me to the emergency room. It was shortly after arriving and giving a urine sample that they came to tell me my body was toxic. A stone had blocked my urethra which caused everything to back up into my system. I spent almost the entire next week in the hospital.

While I was lying there in the dark alone, because my sister had a new baby at home, and my Dad had my oldest son, I kept thinking how I was going to lose this guy. That after this there would be no way for him to stay with me. My sister helped me to translate the words that I was sick and in the hospital and I called to tell him. Of course he couldn't come to see me. My Dad at that time was angry that I was dating a Mexican and he didn't have a current visa so was afraid to come.

One morning the doctor came into the room to tell me to pull myself together because I was heading dangerously close to pneumonia and that shouldn't happen because I was a young lady and had a lot to live for. This was something else to ponder. "Had I really given up? was I really just letting go of everything here?" So somehow in all of that I heard God speak to me. It wasn't like you and I speaking, but I knew it was him and the message was that I needed to get it together and to hold onto this man because this was my last chance. So I pulled it together and was released.

Now this man was unlike any other man I had ever dated. Number one being that he was Mexican and he didn't speak much English. Oh and you should have seen his car! It was old and beat up and he had to jump start it off of my car. Never had I dated a man w/a car uglier than mine. It was like a cardinal rule I had. And he was a waiter. Anyway, it worked and we got pregnant.

So I remember the day I told him because he had stayed at the house the night before, I went to the doctor in hopes of finding out what was wrong with my system. Kidney stones will really wreck havoc on your body. So in comes the doctor telling me that I am pregnant! I literally almost fell off the table. Here I am in my early thirties and I have an eight year old and I'm pregnant! So it took me awhile to work my head around it. I went back home and I sat on the edge of the bed because he was still sleeping and I simply said I'm pregnant. I heard nothing for at least a minute and then he asks "are you sure?" So I got very afraid at that point in time. We talked for a few minutes and then I left to go to work.

But on the way there I told myself okay if he really goes back to Mexico like he has been talking about, then I will have to give this baby up. I knew in my heart of hearts that there was no way that I could raise two kids on the money I was bringing home. The truth was I had been struggling to support just one kid. So off to work I went where I spent the rest of the day working and pondering my situation.

God had it all under control, but at this time I had no idea that he did because I hadn't learned how to step out on faith yet. So it went as pregnancy's go, not a whole lot of stuff going on. Once I realized that he was going to stay and that he was very excited, I too got into the baby is coming mode.

The night I finally told my Dad was close to Halloween. I couldn't hide it much longer, so I pulled him aside one night and I told him. I thought he was going to be a lot madder than he was, but he handled it okay. I was more worried that he would take his anger out on my oldest, who was very close to him. We came to an uneasy truce, we just didn't talk about the baby. I already knew how he felt about mixed-race babies.

Thanksgiving came and he said that since I was bringing my Mexican boyfriend that he too would bring a date. Lucky for us she didn't show up. At that time we just called her Crazy D. She acted very crazy all the time. But God also had a lesson in this.

So we made it through the holidays. I had reconnected with a hairdresser that had been cutting mine and my son's hair for years. She was married to a Mexican man and I needed a lot of help in this area. She also convinced us to find a lawyer and gave us the name of the one her and her husband had used.

In the middle of March we hired this lawyer to help my soon-to-be husband get his legal status straightened out. I am also about six months pregnant. This lawyer told us that we must be married by the end of March. That all the paperwork he needed was to have my married name on it. So I called up my former-Mother-In-Law who was a pastor by this time and she agreed to marry us in her little church. My sister's in-laws also helped us get things together for a little wedding. It was a small ceremony, but it meant a lot to me because all the people that really mattered to me were there that day. And even my Dad's crazy girlfriend.

The thing is before we even went to see that lawyer I was already freaking out about our living arrangements. I didn't want my husband to touch me in that way because I just knew if I died at that very moment I was going to hell. The Bible is very clear about it being better to marry than to burn. But also during this time I really didn't have a church to go to. I had been trying this church and that church and always with my Dad. I knew God wanted me in Church. I could feel him pulling me in that direction. And due to my situation I went to my former-Mother-In-Law's church and things started falling into place. That little church accepted me into the fold just as I was, and that was just what I needed. It was also a perfect place to have our wedding.

So the paperwork process was started. I am still working, he is still waiting tables and our little baby is growing inside of me. Now about this time I went to a health fair sponsored by my employer. They did some blood work and I didn't think anything more about it until the nurse from my doctor's office called and told me that her office had received a call from some other doctor that had done my blood work. So this health fair is the only reason it was ever noticed during my pregnancy that I had extremely low iron. As I was listening to her tell me this I realized that it was making sense because I was always so tired. I could work for about two weeks and then one day I just couldn't get up out of bed to go into work and I would sleep the whole day away. I began taking iron pills.

I had a very lovely and big baby shower. There were three other pregnant girls at my baby shower. It was so much fun and my new husband had helped decorate and he was making jokes and had everyone laughing. It was such a fun day. We actually started that day off by going to my oldest son's soccer game.

Not too long after that I got sick, I started feeling really funny and it almost felt like the baby might be coming but it was too soon. This was also when I found out that my blood pressure was way too high and I had to start watching more what I ate. I spent a night in the observation room. I was freezing and hooked up to an I.V. so they could run the meds through my veins to stop the labor. I heard my baby's heart beat all night long. I watched my new husband attempt to sleep on this hard table like bed. It was a very long night for both of us, but it was another step closer to where God wanted us.

I came home and of course had to miss work the next day. About a week or so later I went to my normal doctor's appointment and they took my blood pressure and told me to go straight to Labor and Delivery because my blood pressure was too high. I spent half of that day in the hospital and they told me I couldn't work more than five hours a day. Not really a good thing because my job paid for the health insurance, but hey what could I do?

Not more than two weeks later I woke up one morning feeling the pressure in the lower back. I knew this wasn't good. I told my husband that I thought the baby was coming but he said Nah, just stay home from work and see how you feel later. So I took my oldest son to school and I remember telling him that I felt very funny and I was pretty sure the baby was coming.

Back at the house I am trying to relax but it has become apparent I am in labor. I take a shower I try to relax some more. It is closer to ten by now. My sister was in Nashville that day, my Dad was hanging out with his friend, there fore out of touch, and my husband was at work unable to come home. They didn't believe him when he told them I was probably having the baby. So finally my sister calls her mother-in-law to come get me and take me to the hospital. When I get there I tell them that my contractions are about 15 minutes apart. They put me in the observation room hook me up and say "no they are more like 5 minutes apart, and you are having a baby today!"

I'm not too scared, it was only 37 weeks. The doctor comes in and tells me that I will probably be having a large baby and that since he is a boy and he is early that there was a chance that after he was born he could have some breathing issues. Still not overly concerned. I was so excited to be having my husband's first baby. He got there just 30 minutes before our 9lb son was born.

I remember when they handed him to me that his head looked funny, that it was a little squishy and I was afraid to move the little hat. I also remember him making snuffling noises and I asked the nurse if he was hungry and she said yes, why don't you try to nurse him, but he wouldn't latch.

They took our little boy to check him out and clean him up. The hours ticked by and still no baby. We began to get concerned. Then a nurse comes in to tell us that something is wrong with our baby. He isn't breathing properly and is on oxygen, his blood sugar is very low, and there is liquid on his brain. I instantly began crying and by crying I mean sobbing. My husband who still barely speaks English knows something is wrong, but doesn't know exactly what. They get the translator on the phone who really didn't know Spanish, and I ended up calling my friend who talked to the nurse and then to my husband. Our world was crumbling all around us.

Our sweet little baby was being transported by ambulance to a hospital in Nashville, not the best one because it was out of network and my insurance wouldn't cover it, but the next best one. They couldn't tell us if he would make it. My Dad was there at the hospital and he agreed to give my husband a ride to the hospital so he could stay with the baby and I of course would be staying in our home town over night. My sister stayed with me.

We got through the next few minutes of them bringing in our baby boy all snug in the incubator thing they were going to transport him in. I got through the nurse trying to move the coverings off his head, that I could see was all secure, And we made it beyond her telling us to get a picture because we didn't know if there would be another chance. The next morning before I was released my Dad's crazy girlfriend begged him to bring her to hospital to see me. Even when he told her the baby wasn't there she insisted he bring her so she could see me. I was really impressed because she had a badly sprained ankle and was on crutches. She hobble all the way from the parking lot up to my room and my Dad later told me she never complained or asked for a wheel chair. She just wanted to make sure I was okay.

I was a sobbing mess, but I picked up my phone and called every single person on my phone no matter if they were Catholic, Baptist, or whatever, I called and begged for prayers. I hardly slept at all that night. My husband was in a hospital full of English speaking people all alone because my Dad came back to Dickson to watch my older son. The amazing thing is that my husband talked to our baby boy most of the night. He touched his little body through the incubator until a nurse came and got him and gave him a room to sleep in for a few hours. Our son now has this amazing bond with my husband and I know it is because he talked him through the first hours of his life. Our baby boy knows his Daddy will always be there for him.

The next day I was released and I remember as we went down to the car how wrong it felt and it made me cry all over again. Here we were leaving the hospital without our baby. Our baby was 45 minutes away all alone in a hospital. I was hell-bent on getting there as soon as possible. My husband's Aunt told us we could stay at her place that night. I remember that my husband could barely stay awake long enough to drive us the ten minutes from the hospital to her apartment.

Away we went to see our baby. Our baby who was the biggest baby in the NICU. He was born on a Monday, and it wasn't until that Friday that we could hold him again. We were only allowed short visits and when it was shift changing time we couldn't go in for two hours. My husband had to return to work that Thursday.

Thus began the most exhausting three weeks of my life. I went to see my baby twice a day, once by myself and once with my husband. My husband would get up and go to work and get home at 11pm and then we would head into Nashville and he would cuddle and sing to our baby. It would get on the nurses nerves because they wanted you to be quiet in the middle of the night, but he sang anyway. I was pumping like a mad woman too. I was determined that my baby would only have breast milk. He was nearly three weeks old when they finally let me nurse him. My Dad didn't tell me until after our son was home, but his crazy girlfriend had offered to cook us meals and clean our house while our son was in the hospital. My Dad, thinking I might not want her help declined the offer without asking me. To this day I know she was a little off her rocker but outside of my sister and my small church family she was the only other person who offered me help during that time. She even made us a yummy blueberry pie from scratch. See God was showing us all never judge a book by its cover.

It was so depressing to drive up there alone, it was even more depressing to drive back without the baby. I was struggling to still take care of my older son, and honestly couldn't have done it without my Dad. He even drove me up there a few times. For the most part the nurses and doctors were nice. But there was one doctor who was always so full of doom and gloom. I hated it when she would make the rounds. She would always tell me the absolute worst case scenario. She once told me he may not have a good quality of life, that he may never walk, may never feed on his own, may always be hooked up to machines.

But you see the amazing thing was they were testing him for all kinds of syndromes and the test would come up negative. He was off oxygen and had normal blood sugar by the time I got to the hospital the day after he was born. The first week they were feeding him via a tube. But it was my breast milk that went into his body. The swelling in his head was going away. He had so much extra skin. I just prayed every day all day. I prayed every single time I pumped. I prayed for God's healing touch. I was learning how to step out on faith.

What a glorious day it was to bring that sweet baby home. My husband was at work that day, and my Dad was busy doing something else, so I ended up riding home with a cousin of my sister's husband. That was the state of things between us and my Dad during that time.

The first year was a lot of ups and downs. It was hard to have friends with younger babies talking about how their baby was crawling or talking or even worse walking. Our son crawled late, talked even later, and walking wasn't really happening.

We were referred to the early intervention program and after three tries ours on finally qualified. It was there that he received a loaner walker and he was finally able to walk around. He loved that thing and could go so fast. They told me the night they brought it that it would take him several days to get the hang of it, but really it only took him a few minutes.

His first real unassisted steps happened just days after my husband left for basic training. And through the better insurance we were able to get him shoes and braces and he finally began walking all on his own just before he turned two.

The last five years have been full of heart ache and scary situations and finally a diagnosis of Clydio Cranial Dysplasia. He has hearing aides and he can finally talk. All through it God has taught us how to step out on faith. How to push through the storms. And how to overcome our differences.

I am so blessed to have such a wonderful bubbly son. One who changed my Dad's perspective on Mexican's and one who taught me how to be so much stronger than I ever thought I could be.

Without God's Love my son wouldn't be here today. And I know first hand now that all things are possible with God.

When it is rocky I turn to this for shelter

I have only been married five years and like a month. It hasn't always been peachy, but we have grown through the dark times and when it is sunny we continue to give thanks and seek the Lord for guidance. It wasn't until I heard the Pastor at my previous church do several sermons on Ephesians 5 that I understood what it meant to be a wife.

I am always trying to improve in this area. I have been blessed to be a stay at home mom. In return I keep the house clean, I cook the majority of meals, I take the kids to all the appointments. Now my hubby helps me out with all of this when I need him to, and he loves to cook, so there are many times that we cook together.  I am blessed to have such a wonderful hubby that provides for us and pretty much has a smile on his face all of the time. We both try very hard not to complain, but as humans sometimes it does happen. In all things, the good and the bad give thanks to the Lord, this is what we strive to do.

But I have several verses in the Bible that I read when I need a pick me up, or even sometimes when we might not be having a great getting along day. I pray that one day God will use us to minister to other young couples.

Here you go, I am starting at the beginning and going on from there.

Genesis 2:22 And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. 23) And Adam said, this is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. 24)Therefore shall man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Proverbs 31:10-31 Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies. 11.) the heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. 12) she will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. 13) She speaketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. 14) she is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar. 15) she riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. 16) She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she plantheth a vineyard. 17) She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. 18) She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. 19) she layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. 20) she stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. 21) She is not afraid of the snow for household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.22) She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple. 23) Her husband is known in the gates, when he setteth among the elders of the land. 24) She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant. 25) Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. 26) She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. 27) She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. 28) Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also and he praiseth her. 29) Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. 30) Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised. 31) Give her the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

I think this verse is very important also, because sometimes arguments happen, and I strive not to go to bed angry at my husband. I will pray hard if what we were arguing about isn't resolved first.

Ephesians 4:27 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil.

When you are angry with each other, don't use hurtful words that you can't take back. Don't swear at them with those very bad words. Don't bring up the past, it is just that the past. And I know it is impossible to do this, but take a step back and start praying. I am working on this, it is a challenge to me, so I know it isn't easy. Don't belittle each other either.

This next part is one of my favorites!

Ephesians 5:22-33 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23) For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the Church: and he is the savior of the body. 24) Therefore as the church is  subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. 25) Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26) That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word. 27) That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28) So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29) for no man every yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church. 30) For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. 31) FOR THIS CAUSE SHALL A MAN LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, AND SHALL BE JOINED UNTO HIS WIFE, AND THEY TWO SHALL BE ONE FLESH. 32) This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the Church. 33) Nevertheless let every single one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

As a woman, it is hard to explain to others why I cannot just go do this or do that or spend this or spend that. The reason being my husband and I discuss every big purchase. He doesn't require me to tell him what is on the agenda for each day, but I do. I always tell him where I am going, who I will be seeing, and if I am going to the store what I am buying. Now of course,  I don't always buy just that, and that is okay. But COMMUNICATION is important. Every night we sit down to dinner and we discuss his day my day and include our children in this conversation also. There are no secrets in our marriage. If he says he doesn't agree with something that I am considering I listen to his reasoning and then we find a happy medium.

 I generally steer away from girls night outs, mostly because they often include drinking and I don't drink like that anymore. I put family time above everything. Mainly because we don't have a lot of time with my husband. Growing up, there weren't many holidays where my Dad wasn't working. My mom caused a lot of strife between my sister and I between her and my Dad. I don't want that for my kids. I don't want them having to visit each parent separately. My oldest son is in this situation. He is a wonderful young man and I love him with all my heart. But the biggest disservice I did to him, was having him outside of marriage. My poor child has struggled with finding his place between his dad's family and my husband and I. It is confusing for him, and his dad's family has different rules and expectations than we do. We talk about what is best for our son, but we are two very separate entities.

Hold your children tightly and hang onto your husband and your marriage. Divorce doesn't have to be an option. A family that prays together stays together. Both my husband and I take the kids to church. This is sometimes difficult being that he is Catholic and I am Baptist. I prayed about this and decided to compromise and agree to attend a Catholic church sometimes in order that our family is together in church on Sunday. I feel that it is very important to let our children see that we Put God first and that going to church together as a family is very important.

I pray that one day I can be this person.

Titus 2: 3-8 The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things; 4) that they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children. 5) To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good obedient to their own husbands that the word of God be not blasphemed. 6) Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded. 7) In all things showing thyself a pattern of good works: in doctrine showing uncorruptness, gravity, sincerity, 8) Sound speech, that cannot be condemned; that he that is of the contrary part may be ashamed, having no evil thing to say of you.


Peter 3:1-7 Likewise, ye wives be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they alo may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2) while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear 3) Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; 4) But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. 5) For after this manner in the old time the holy women, also who trusted in God adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: 6) Even as SArah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement. 7) Likewise, ye husbands dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel and as being heirs together of the grace of life; htat your prayers be not hindered.

I never fully understood the Leave your Father and Mother part until my husband joined the Military and received orders for his first duty station. Up to that point I had lived in the same town my entire life. I went to school with some of the teachers at my kids school, I went to school with some of the policemen or firefighters, or bankers. I could go to the grocery store and see a minimum of five people I knew. I loved my home state, I loved everything about it. But then my husband calls and says we will be going to El Paso. What??????? Like the old Marty Robbins song??? Are you kidding me???????? But then I heard in the back of my mind the words "Go forth into the wilderness"  Ummm Lord I mean no disrespect, but what about my family? Everyone I know and love is here, I love the medical for my kids I love the water I love the trees. But I heard those words again. So we loaded everyone up and we moved out here.

I want to add that I am 100% Daddy's girl. When in my home state I always did everything with my Dad, we talked everyday, saw each other nearly every day. It was hard for me to leave him, to know that when I go to new places I have to go alone, I won't have him there to hold my hand. It has been a huge growing experience. One that I would not have had if I had stayed there and not moved here. It has also taught my husband and I how to rely more fully on each other since it is just us and the kids here. It has also taught us how to reach out to others when there is a need. God is truly awesome in how he teaches and shapes us. That is why I say give your heart over to Jesus and you will know that he is always there for you guiding your steps and shaping you into the person he would have you to be.

Well, that is the shortened version of it. I ended up having to leave my oldest son behind. That is another story for another day, but it goes back to irresponsible decisions that resulted in my son having to live in two worlds.

So we came here and I hated it, but then I went back home to live for a very short time while the hubby was away, and I realized while being there that God wanted me here. He has a purpose for us here. We don't know what it is yet, but one day it will be revealed to us. Which brings me to my final verse which also happens to be my life verse.

Jeremiah 29:11 FOR I KNOW THE THOUGTS THAT I THINK TWOARD YOU, SAIDTH THE LORD, THOUGHTS OF PEACE, AND NOT OF EVIL TO GIVE YOU AND EXPECTED END.

Learning to blend into the background

Today I was going to write about something else entirely, but this is what started flowing out, so here it is, the story of sixth grade and how it was the beginning of many of my quirks.


As a little girl I wore a lot of hand-me-downs. In the beginning I didn't really know the difference, it wasn't until much later that I learned my clothes were less than stellar. I did learn to hate turtlenecks by the fourth grade. I hated the way they made me feel like I was choking and they were so hot. Around that time I also learned that I really didn't like the printed shirts my mother always made me wear either. Basically it was all about standing out. I hated to stand out. I wanted to blend into the background. It was easier that way. If you blend into the background no one will make fun of you right?

Anyway, by sixth grade I was beginning to realize that my mother had no up-to-date clue about how young girls wanted to look or dress. I will never forget this hideous sweat suit that she made my sister and I wear, yep they matched. It was this weird teal color with bright yellow leg warmer things and burgundy with some kind of print on it. She also picked out my clothes, stating that I wasn't capable of doing it. So this one day I had to be in this skit in science/health class. I was already devastated that I would have to do this because I hated standing up in front of the class. When you are ugly, I mean everyone tells you that you are including your mother, you just know that everyone will only notice that ugly girl. So I did the skit and then when we had to watch the video of it I was sick to my stomach. I saw myself in that hideous outfit mumbling and my short greasy hair and oily skin.

This was the year that I started puberty. It was a horrible year, I would have to say probably one of the worst ones ever. My mother had all these old outdated ideas of how a girl/woman should care for herself during this time, so I wasn't taught properly at first. Thankfully I ended up in Michigan for the summer after sixth grade and my two Aunts taught me much better hygiene.

If you can imagine being surrounded by girls with long hair and pretty dresses and up-to-date clothes. Girls that were allowed to watch Kirk Cameron in that popular T.V. show, to this day I don't know the name of it. I had no clue who he was. At home we watched the news and whatever my mother decided to have on the T.V. Saturdays she loved to watch old westerns, and when Elvis movies came on that was all she watched. I have probably seen every one of his movies, and I know most of the words to a lot of the popular songs. No current radio for me. Mom always liked Country music. Now due to always having Country Music on, I did grow to love all music by the Judds. A close family friend, my sister and I would always sing their songs to her mom in a concert. To this day I love the 80's Country Music.

I did win one battle with my mom on clothing though. She had gotten this huge puff coat that came down to my knees, and I hated that thing, especially since I wore it in fifth grade too. Anyway we didn't have coat hooks in the classroom because this was our first year to change classes. We had small lockers and that stupid thing did not fit in the locker and I didn't want to carry it. So my Dad gave me this plaid field jacket and that is what I wore for a coat. I actually wore that off and on the rest of the time I was in school.

I also remember hating having to dress in gym clothes. It meant changing in the locker room. It was also where I learned that I had really hairy arm pits and legs. Nope, I wasn't allowed to shave because I was only twelve. Never mind that I looked like a cousin of Big Foot. I was also very self conscious of how I smelled. My mother had this idea that we should only take baths every other day, hair washed once a week and if it was your special time then no bath for the duration. Talk about humiliation! I would always try to hide in the back of the dressing room and I tried to dress very fast. This was the year I failed gym class. My Dad was furious. But I didn't know how to explain to him how humiliating it was to change in front of all those girls. Girls that already took great pride in making me feel lower than the low. They enjoyed laughing in my face about my ugly plastic bow that was place precisely on the side of my head. And what was the purpose? I didn't really have enough hair for the stupid thing. My mom let me wear it because I had cried when she had my hair cut, I cried because I wanted to wear hair bows.

The whole hair cut was a way for her to make sure I knew she was in control. Because the summer before I discovered bandanas. I loved to roll them up and tie them in my hair. Hair that was just above my shoulders and such a pretty blonde. I loved my hair. My mother hated the bandanas, she said they were sloppy. So in order to solve the problem she just cut my hair off into a pixie. I will never do this to my daughter, never! I hated that hair cut more than anything.

So obviously this was the year girls were beginning to crush on boys. I had my fair share of crushes. But they never noticed me and if they realized I did have a crush on them they got scared and disgusted. I had one true friend during this year. I really enjoyed the times I went to her house. She had a much more normal life than I did. She even had a VCR and her mom would take us to the video store so we could rent movies. I saw La Bamba at her house. Now due to a lot of maturity issues, I was still playing with Barbie. I loved my Malibu Barbie with her long black hair and brown skin.

My Grandmother died this year. I was devastated. Just the summer before I had spent with her and my Grandfather in Michigan. So my dad pulled my sister and I out of school for almost two weeks because we had to go to Michigan to see my Grandmother before she passed away, then a viewing in Michigan and a viewing in West Virginia. I did enjoy the time in Michigan and West Virginia. It was nice because a lot of the time I was away from my mother who always managed to make me feel low or ugly or something. This was also the year that wearing pink freaked me out for the first time. I was wearing this pink shirt that I actually liked and these purple pants with black pin stripes. I must admit this was my favorite outfit. Anyway someone at one of the viewings said I looked like my Grandmother and it scared me for some reason. I spent some time with the cousins. I loved spending time with them.

But the entire time I was there I had to do all this make up work for school. In between the things I had to do and playing I worked on the home work. I thought I was making pretty good progress. I remember in Social Studies we had to do outlines on each chapter, so I had the one I was doing when I left and the one assigned for while I was gone. I was nearly finished with this one, I came back to school and realized that another one was assigned. So the teacher had everyone who didn't have the current one finished to stand up, of course I had to stand up. When asked why I explained I had just gotten back from an out of state funeral, and he firmly stated I had known about it, and that was no excuse. It was a horrible day.

I spent the summer between sixth and seventh grade in Michigan. I played dress up with my cousin and sister. I discovered high heels and how they made you feel like you were on top of the world. I played spoons and the game of Life. I had a blast. I got to take showers every day. I learned that even if it is your special time you can still go swimming you just need a tampon. I know you are looking at that and thinking WHAT? but I had no idea they even existed until my Aunt told me. Before I was informed you stay out of the water entirely if it is your special time. I loved washing my hair. Again my hair was growing out and again I loved it!

Once back home my mom tried to cope with this change in me. We fought a lot. I received a .75 cent allowance at the time. (My Dad was a cheapie lol) So my mom came up with this bright idea that if I wanted Salon Selectives Shampoo (I loved the apple scent) then I had to use my own money. So somehow that all got worked out.

So now it was the beginning of War with my mom. I was beginning to fight her on everything. I am sure some of it was justified and some of it was not. I started wearing make up and since my mom didn't wear it, she couldn't show me the right way. I learned on my own. Looking at those pictures of me, I know that I didn't get it, not in the least. I wore bright lipsticks and clown circle blush and bright eye shadows. I also began fixing my hair, and made a mess of that too. I used a lot of hair spray and I did have big hair. It never looked finished like the other girls, but I liked it. I felt prettier this year. I still got made fun of and boys still didn't like to be associated with me.

This was also the first year I encountered a bully. She was not a nice girl at all. In seventh grade it was mandatory that everyone be on a basketball team. Not being an outgoing person, not having ever played or watched sports, this was a nightmare. I didn't get it! I had no idea what to do or how to do it and loved when I got to sit on the bench. Well as my luck would have it, the best basketball player in the school was on my team. The bully who was in my English class, noticed I was on this team and she was angry because her team lost to us. I could care less. So this bully took to harassing me every day in English, she tried to trip me, she called me names, she took my paper and pencils, you name it. I hated that she sat close to me. But what could I say. From always being told how ugly I was or how dumb or stupid or careless or worthless at home, this was just more of the same. I couldn't fight it at home or it became physical, so why fight it here? I never did stand up for myself in school, I always took it. No matter what they called me or did to me, I just listened and went on.

I did like this English class, I discovered I could write and enjoyed writing little things, though nothing noteworthy. I was ecstatic when I learned I had made it into the Accelerated English Class for eight grade.

But somehow through sixth and seventh grade, I survived. I took the hurtful words and filed them away. I learned who to avoid and how. I thought I wanted to be pretty and popular like them. I began to hate my life at home. I was beginning to hate my mother. (I have since forgiven her, she isn't well and didn't know how to be a mom) I learned that kids can be really mean. It is important as parents that we teach our children how to be nice to everyone. That being popular and having nice clothes and things does not make them better than those that do not have those things. I want my children to be the ones that stand up for the bullied children and reach out to them.

When I see on the news a story of a teen suicide, I know how close I must have been myself. There were dark days where I felt alone, like no adult would listen to me. My dad was always working always thinking that if my mom hit me or yelled at me then I must have instigated it. I am not for one minute saying I was a perfect child, because I was not. I learned from the best how to be manipulative and lie and steal and tell stories to make people feel sorry for you. By the time I was a teenager I knew that to get a man to love you, you had to give them what they wanted. After all my mom let me read raunchy romance books before I was even a teenager.

I pray everyday as a parent that God will guide me as to how to raise my children. I take them to church we read the Bible. We learn how to share and not covet, yep my mom also taught me how to covet. I don't like gossips, I have often found myself on the losing end of gossip mongers conversations. And as the overly quiet girl in school I heard what the kids said about each other.

I want to teach my kids how to grow up to be good citizens who love one another and do not judge and are willing to help and reach out to those in need. I have been forgiven for my sins, and I thank God everyday for sending his Son to die on the Cross for my sins. Without his love for me, I would not be here today.

I was young and careless and full of hate. I was hurt and felt worthless and like a failure. I never felt like I could do anything right after all isn't that what my mom said everyday. I'm not sure exactly how old I was when she began calling me a slut, but I'm thinking it was about sixth grade. I don't know why she started calling me that, but she did. Be careful the words you throw at your children. You don't want to shape their young minds into believing that they will amount to nothing.

So the point of all this is, yes I had a mostly horrible childhood and then there were the great times. But one day when I was nearly 20 I finally found God and the peace I was seeking, and for that I am extremely grateful.