Sunday, August 24, 2014
Finding a Happy Medium
Sometimes my heart is heavy. Heavy with guilt, heavy with pain, heavy with regret. I carry all of this around like an old battered suitcase. Randomly it will fall to the ground spilling all of the ugly contents. When this happens it is ugly for me, for those around me. A darkness will descend and I fall into an abyss. Then a struggle of climbing out of the abyss ensues. During this time my mind will be overflowing with negativity, with anger and frustration and absolutely no focus.
The biggest source of guilt concerns my oldest son. That he lives so very far away with a man that I can just barely tolerate. The fact that I let my ignorance of the law bring this change about. But logic is that my marriage could not have withstood the daily conflict between my son and I. It was very often like war. But it was this way because my son never knew unconditional love from me. He was always there, but more often than not only the sidelines. He was caught in the bitterness and anger between myself, my mother and my sister. Then there was the constant buying him things he didn't need. Clothes, toys, games, the list goes on. He had huge Christmases and birthdays. New clothes, name brand clothes. But all of this came to an end when I could no longer support the lifestyle and when I remarried.
Remarrying was a wonderful choice for both of us. It was full of promise. A man who was willing to accept my son as his own. The catch was that my son did not want this love. He did not know how to accept it. He also complains and is often melodramatic. Yep just like his mom and grandmother and aunt. There was no longer an unlimited amount of gifts, Christmases were significantly smaller. Clothes tended to be second hand. Why this huge change? We had no money. One of us was working minimum wage, the other was a waiter and we had two children. My son, and another son who was born early and with health issues. But we loved them both equally.
I was depressed while pregnant with my second son because it became obvious in the beginning that he would not have a crib, we could only afford a used pack-n-play. A lot of his clothes were bought at the children's consignment sales. I wanted to buy him so much more, to wrap him in the nicest and fuzziest blankets, but this was not a viable option. We had to pay bills, buy groceries, pay childcare for two kids. I made the most of it. I tried to tell myself that this was the better option, but it made me sad. Now my youngest son never knew that it could be so very different. And he is very satisfied with little. He has toys and a game and clothes and he is happy and full of sunshine.
Then my daughter came along and due to the timing it was nearly impossible to buy her new things. I had her in one state and then six days later took her to my home state. I couldn't afford to buy her all new things because we wouldn't be staying in our home state long, so it wasn't a practical option. I was very blessed that two different people gave me lots of baby clothes and she had enough to last for the first year. Some of the toys and a booster seat and another seat were passed down from her brothers.
Now here we are with two kids in our household. We are a one family income and I long to buy them little treats here and there. To send little care packages to my oldest son. But it isn't an option. We have to make the money go as far as we can. And my husband believes that kids don't need lots of toys. He didn't have many growing up, and he was just fine. This is a sticking point between us. I think they need a few more than they have. I want to do a big Christmas for them, but he tries to keep it down under $300.00. Sometimes I am embarrassed by our frugality and sometimes I am proud of it.
But often the guilt that threatens to bog me down stems from this lack of things. I don't know why I feel the need to be materialistic. I don't know why sometimes I just want to go to the store and buy things just to buy them. It is crazy, and unrealistic. Sometimes I feel like my husband is pushing me to get a job, but then I know that isn't practical because of our son's needs. I also know that he isn't pushing for me to get a job.
Often I feel like I get lost in the mix. That I do so much for everyone in the family, but don't get anything in return. Again, why would I feel this way? It is selfish and just plain nonsense. As a dedicated mother and wife, shouldn't I push my wants and needs and dreams as far from the forefront as possible. Shouldn't I give every last drop of myself to my kids and husband. And what of my other son? The one that I sometimes don't call because I can't find the words to say to him. Because I feel like I pushed him off the bus and left him behind to fend for himself. That I have nothing to give him because all that we have must go to the kids under our roof?
We have two cars, one of which is a new minivan. But now my husband says that it is too expensive to drive all the time. The appointments I go to are spread out all over town, so the economical thing to do is park the van, or let him drive it just to work and then home. So I drive the smaller car, the one that I bought before we were married. It is a good car. But sometimes I get frustrated over this. Why am I driving this car, why is the van sitting there while we make payments on it? Silly thing, but I love the satellite radio in the van.
I have been really praying for God to improve me, to make me the person that he would have me to be, and all of this shows that I have a long journey ahead of me. I am blessed to have a husband who puts all of the needs of the family first. Who thinks forward and each decision is carefully made. He never asks for anything. I wish I could be more like him.
In all of this I try to thank God for every little thing that I have. From my socks to my car to the food on our table. Remember in all things to thank God because he giveth and taketh away.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
38 Things
Today is my 38th birthday, and at the present moment not much feels different. I'm still a mom, I still have three kids, I have a wonderful husband. And how do I feel? Well like I'm finally mature. I now live a mere 1,135 miles from the city I grew up in. I have been out of high school for 19 years. A few of my former classmates are already grandparents, in that respect I am thankful I am not yet. I am an Army Wife, and with that being said, most of the wives I come in contact with were born around the time I graduated high school. It can be awkward to find myself in a group of fresh faced mom's happily showing off their first baby and spewing rainbows and sunshine about marriage. The reason it is awkward? I have lived a lifetime of storm clouds and rainbows. I came out of a failed marriage only to find myself faced with single mother-hood and then to stumble upon true love. The one thing I always dreamed of: A tall, dark, and handsome man who had black hair and brown eyes. What once was what everyone termed a "pipe dream" has become my reality. That is but one of the many ways that I am blessed. so here goes, today is my birthday and I am going to list the 38 things that mean the most to me.
1.) My Salvation, the fact that in 1996 I first came to know God, and even though there were times where I strayed I was still able to find my way back. I often visited churches over the years, but I never committed much to it. Not like I did in 1996, 1997 and then turning away in 1998. But in 2007 the Lord sent a lawnmower man to tell me God wanted me back and I drove thirty miles to find myself sitting in a church and hearing God's call again.
2.) The hard lessons and trials that I have gone through. They have brought me to this place. A place where I can use my story, my experiences to reach out to others. I think I am finally very close to being the aged woman mentioned in Titus 2:3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things,
If you aren't familiar with Titus 2:3-5 I strongly recommend you read the verses. They are some of my favorites.
3.) For my Dad. Through thick and thin and disagreements he has always been there for me. Unfortunately now I can only talk to him on the phone. But I grew up knowing he would always be there to pick me up to help me problem solve whatever issue I had. Moving across the country has finally made me be able to step out and do things without him going along. Because let me tell you when I am back home I do just about every errand with my Dad.
4.) My husband of five years. We did everything backwards in the beginning, we made our son before we were even sure we would get married. But we clicked, he was so different from anyone I had every met, and of course he was tall, dark and handsome. He accepted and was ready to love my older son. We had to work out his immigration status, which being pregnant, having two people working, and no money was quite complicated, but we did it. I don't regret the first years of our marriage being hard, if they weren't we wouldn't appreciate where we are today.
5.) My oldest son, he is my sunshine, my little big boy who lives out loud. Who I along with my Dad fought so hard for in the school system. I clung to him like a lifeline in some of my darkest times. Letting him go to live with his Dad knowing that I would be so far away was hard. It tore my heart into pieces, but I picked up and struggled to be strong and at peace with a decision that made no sense to me. But I knew it had to be part of God's plan, and now I think that we are both right where God needs us, but that doesn't make it any easier.
6.) For my second son. Through his difficult birth and three weeks of hospitalization I learned to lean onto God. I learned to step out on faith. I learned that the power of prayer does work and that no matter how bleak it looked he is here today. He is here and he is doing everything they told us he might not ever do. To hear his emerging words and personality after all these years is a true miracle.
7.) My sweet, mischievous little girl. She has turned our dominantly boy household upside down. She is a little big personality a bright shining ray of sunshine that you can't help but notice. I was once terrified of having a daughter, but now I know it is a true blessing.
8.) Financial Security. We finally are at a place where we have breathing room after we pay our bills. To have two cars, one paid off is a true blessing. Hard work and sacrifice has brought us to this place. To be where we are with only one income is a real blessing. One of my daily prayers is for God to show us how best to pay the blessing forward.
9.) The Army. What an odd one you might think, but it is true. The Army has opened many doors for our little family. Insurance is the primary one. With that insurance the children have received outstanding medical care and options. Our son has the hearing aids he needs, the speech and occupational therapy the braces. We have also been able to see new places and hope to see many more along the way. It is also something that my husband loves and it makes him happy. It is a true blessing to see him growing into this role of a soldier and blossoming.
10.) The great big sky. Why the sky? Because it is big and blue, big and stormy. Because it is the same sky our families whether near or far are also under.
11.) The food on our table, the ability to properly store and prepare the food.
12.) The roof over our heads, the beds we sleep on, the carpet beneath our feet. Properly working heat and air, running water. The televisions we have.
13.) Technology. Through this we have phones and computers that connect us to our loved ones no matter where they are.
14.) The friends that we have made along the way. Friends back home who are more like family. Friends we met here that have become like family.
15.) The cultural experiences as a direct result of being an Army family. We live in a city that has a lot of Mexican influence. Being able to learn the language, shop in the stores, eat in the restaurants. The fact that our neighbors are of Mexican decent and Pilipino, and all of us getting together to cook out and share the food from our cultures. And let me tell you the Philippine people make an awesome egg roll.
16.) My Aunts in Michigan, the ones I grew up knowing and the ones I am finally getting to know. They all bring wisdom and laughter and smiles.
17.) My Mom. This is a hard one, especially after my childhood. But I know that somewhere in all of the bad times that she really did love my sister and I. It is my prayer that we can repair our relationship to be the mother daughter we were never able to be.
18.) For my one friend who came to stay with me in 2013 when I had surgery related to kidney stones. She moved into my house for one week to take care of my kids. This special person has so many burdens of her own, yet she put them aside to help me. I will forever be indebted to her.
19.) For the ocean. The waves crashing against the shore the vastness that you can't help but feel as if it is swallowing you and maybe one day I will get to live close to it.
20.) The mountains. The ones here that are brown and rocky and forbidding, but beginning to turn a little green. The ones back home that are so full of trees and life and refreshing.
21.) This is one that I miss, being in a dry area there isn't a lot of moisture, or running water. But I really love the creeks and rivers and lakes. I love going to the park and letting the kiddos splash around in the creek and meeting new people there.
22.) Back roads, to be specific Tennessee back roads, there is no better feeling than the radio blasting, the windows down and wind whipping your hair around.
23.) I'm weird for this one, but I love thunderstorms. I love the way they come roaring through and in the wake of them you find you withstood and have another chance another fresh slate. I love the way the skies look the feel of electricity in the air the smell of rain.
24.) Family time. Believe me the moments we are granted with our loved ones are to be treasured. I want to spend all my free time with the husband and kids. I don't like to leave them to go hang out with other people. I know that being a Military family our moments are sometimes few and far between. I want the kids and I to be able to reflect on the times we were all together when we are apart. Even with my oldest being in another state, I always tell him quality matters not that quantity.
25.) The Bible for being my guide book, especially the Psalms. I could never have survived the last job I held had it not been for a pocket Bible and the book of Psalms. I also love the book of Job, in dark times it reminds me that we can come through it all. Esther and Ruth and Titus, Thessalonians, Ephesians a true favorite and Proverbs.
26.) Libraries. I love books. Libraries are a way for me to consume, sorry read as many books as I want without having to buy them.
27.) A husband who loves to cook, and boy can he cook. I love how he teaches me to try new ways of preparing food. How he can watch a cooking show and then whip that same thing up in our kitchen. Through him I have found that I really don't mind cooking, that I enjoy making foods and that sharing that food is the best part.
28.) All the perks that are out there for Military Families. The discounts at stores and restaurants, theme parks, the list goes on. I am truly thankful that this is available to those who serve and their families. Not that I feel entitled or the need to be appreciated, but because contrary to popular belief military families are not rich and the discounts help us afford things we might not have afforded otherwise. Even the education offered to service members and their spouses.
29.) Being able to stay home with my babies. It was a dream as a child to grow up get married have kids and not work. At that time I had no idea what it meant to be a wife or a mother. To be honest I had no clue until recently. Again I refer to the Bible on this one, Proverbs 31, Ephesians 5. I love being home. Yes some days it is boring and other days overwhelming. Yes I do a lot, the laundry I cook two big meals a day. I am learning to cook more from scratch which makes it more challenging. I do the laundry and this is hard because we don't have a washer and dryer. But I love it. I didn't get to stay home until my oldest was nearly 11. I went to work when he was just six weeks old. He spent a lot of time in daycares. It was heart breaking to me.
30.) The men and women who choose to serve our country. For the sacrifices they and their families make in order to protect our freedoms.
31.) My in-laws. They are great people. I love when they get to come up here for a visit. I pray one day I can speak Spanish well enough to talk to them. They raised a good man, I am forever indebted to them for this.
32.) My children's laughter, it is like chocolate ice cream. It is like bells and fireworks and peace. It ripples over me like pebbles in a pond. It is the closest thing to Heaven on this earth.
33.) The clothes that we have. The ability to buy more to buy them new or to buy them used. I try to pass our clothes that we no longer need to others in need.
34.) To my church family in Tennessee. For all of their prayers. For all of them who gave my kids baths, who brought us food, who came to sit with us. This was 2013 when I had that surgery. For The Sister that came to the hospital when my daughter had surgery. For the Sunday School and Children's Church lessons taught. For being there for us through a lot over the years.
35.) To hospitals like Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. This hospital holds a special place in my heart because they laid the foundation for the care that my children now have.
36.) To the Doctor that started seeing my oldest son when he was six and saw my middle son for three years and who fought to help me get the care that my middle son needed. He only saw my daughter a few times, but he was awesome. He listened, he cared, he tried to help in all ways. He even answered questions we may have if we saw him at the grocery store.
37.) For the El Paso School For the Hearing Impaired. My middle son began this program in January of this year, within a month he was talking more than he ever had. He can now say phrases and is almost conversational.
38.) For the life I am granted each and everyday I wake up. For the chance to do better, be better than the day before. To spread the word and miracles of God and salvation. To hug my family each new day, to hear my children stirring in the next room every morning, to cooking breakfast and taking the kids places.
This was a little harder than I thought it would be. But I am glad I did it and happy to share it with you all. Be blessed and don't be afraid of getting older. I am 38 but if you add it 3+8 then you get 11
1.) My Salvation, the fact that in 1996 I first came to know God, and even though there were times where I strayed I was still able to find my way back. I often visited churches over the years, but I never committed much to it. Not like I did in 1996, 1997 and then turning away in 1998. But in 2007 the Lord sent a lawnmower man to tell me God wanted me back and I drove thirty miles to find myself sitting in a church and hearing God's call again.
2.) The hard lessons and trials that I have gone through. They have brought me to this place. A place where I can use my story, my experiences to reach out to others. I think I am finally very close to being the aged woman mentioned in Titus 2:3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things,
If you aren't familiar with Titus 2:3-5 I strongly recommend you read the verses. They are some of my favorites.
3.) For my Dad. Through thick and thin and disagreements he has always been there for me. Unfortunately now I can only talk to him on the phone. But I grew up knowing he would always be there to pick me up to help me problem solve whatever issue I had. Moving across the country has finally made me be able to step out and do things without him going along. Because let me tell you when I am back home I do just about every errand with my Dad.
4.) My husband of five years. We did everything backwards in the beginning, we made our son before we were even sure we would get married. But we clicked, he was so different from anyone I had every met, and of course he was tall, dark and handsome. He accepted and was ready to love my older son. We had to work out his immigration status, which being pregnant, having two people working, and no money was quite complicated, but we did it. I don't regret the first years of our marriage being hard, if they weren't we wouldn't appreciate where we are today.
5.) My oldest son, he is my sunshine, my little big boy who lives out loud. Who I along with my Dad fought so hard for in the school system. I clung to him like a lifeline in some of my darkest times. Letting him go to live with his Dad knowing that I would be so far away was hard. It tore my heart into pieces, but I picked up and struggled to be strong and at peace with a decision that made no sense to me. But I knew it had to be part of God's plan, and now I think that we are both right where God needs us, but that doesn't make it any easier.
6.) For my second son. Through his difficult birth and three weeks of hospitalization I learned to lean onto God. I learned to step out on faith. I learned that the power of prayer does work and that no matter how bleak it looked he is here today. He is here and he is doing everything they told us he might not ever do. To hear his emerging words and personality after all these years is a true miracle.
7.) My sweet, mischievous little girl. She has turned our dominantly boy household upside down. She is a little big personality a bright shining ray of sunshine that you can't help but notice. I was once terrified of having a daughter, but now I know it is a true blessing.
8.) Financial Security. We finally are at a place where we have breathing room after we pay our bills. To have two cars, one paid off is a true blessing. Hard work and sacrifice has brought us to this place. To be where we are with only one income is a real blessing. One of my daily prayers is for God to show us how best to pay the blessing forward.
9.) The Army. What an odd one you might think, but it is true. The Army has opened many doors for our little family. Insurance is the primary one. With that insurance the children have received outstanding medical care and options. Our son has the hearing aids he needs, the speech and occupational therapy the braces. We have also been able to see new places and hope to see many more along the way. It is also something that my husband loves and it makes him happy. It is a true blessing to see him growing into this role of a soldier and blossoming.
10.) The great big sky. Why the sky? Because it is big and blue, big and stormy. Because it is the same sky our families whether near or far are also under.
11.) The food on our table, the ability to properly store and prepare the food.
12.) The roof over our heads, the beds we sleep on, the carpet beneath our feet. Properly working heat and air, running water. The televisions we have.
13.) Technology. Through this we have phones and computers that connect us to our loved ones no matter where they are.
14.) The friends that we have made along the way. Friends back home who are more like family. Friends we met here that have become like family.
15.) The cultural experiences as a direct result of being an Army family. We live in a city that has a lot of Mexican influence. Being able to learn the language, shop in the stores, eat in the restaurants. The fact that our neighbors are of Mexican decent and Pilipino, and all of us getting together to cook out and share the food from our cultures. And let me tell you the Philippine people make an awesome egg roll.
16.) My Aunts in Michigan, the ones I grew up knowing and the ones I am finally getting to know. They all bring wisdom and laughter and smiles.
17.) My Mom. This is a hard one, especially after my childhood. But I know that somewhere in all of the bad times that she really did love my sister and I. It is my prayer that we can repair our relationship to be the mother daughter we were never able to be.
18.) For my one friend who came to stay with me in 2013 when I had surgery related to kidney stones. She moved into my house for one week to take care of my kids. This special person has so many burdens of her own, yet she put them aside to help me. I will forever be indebted to her.
19.) For the ocean. The waves crashing against the shore the vastness that you can't help but feel as if it is swallowing you and maybe one day I will get to live close to it.
20.) The mountains. The ones here that are brown and rocky and forbidding, but beginning to turn a little green. The ones back home that are so full of trees and life and refreshing.
21.) This is one that I miss, being in a dry area there isn't a lot of moisture, or running water. But I really love the creeks and rivers and lakes. I love going to the park and letting the kiddos splash around in the creek and meeting new people there.
22.) Back roads, to be specific Tennessee back roads, there is no better feeling than the radio blasting, the windows down and wind whipping your hair around.
23.) I'm weird for this one, but I love thunderstorms. I love the way they come roaring through and in the wake of them you find you withstood and have another chance another fresh slate. I love the way the skies look the feel of electricity in the air the smell of rain.
24.) Family time. Believe me the moments we are granted with our loved ones are to be treasured. I want to spend all my free time with the husband and kids. I don't like to leave them to go hang out with other people. I know that being a Military family our moments are sometimes few and far between. I want the kids and I to be able to reflect on the times we were all together when we are apart. Even with my oldest being in another state, I always tell him quality matters not that quantity.
25.) The Bible for being my guide book, especially the Psalms. I could never have survived the last job I held had it not been for a pocket Bible and the book of Psalms. I also love the book of Job, in dark times it reminds me that we can come through it all. Esther and Ruth and Titus, Thessalonians, Ephesians a true favorite and Proverbs.
26.) Libraries. I love books. Libraries are a way for me to consume, sorry read as many books as I want without having to buy them.
27.) A husband who loves to cook, and boy can he cook. I love how he teaches me to try new ways of preparing food. How he can watch a cooking show and then whip that same thing up in our kitchen. Through him I have found that I really don't mind cooking, that I enjoy making foods and that sharing that food is the best part.
28.) All the perks that are out there for Military Families. The discounts at stores and restaurants, theme parks, the list goes on. I am truly thankful that this is available to those who serve and their families. Not that I feel entitled or the need to be appreciated, but because contrary to popular belief military families are not rich and the discounts help us afford things we might not have afforded otherwise. Even the education offered to service members and their spouses.
29.) Being able to stay home with my babies. It was a dream as a child to grow up get married have kids and not work. At that time I had no idea what it meant to be a wife or a mother. To be honest I had no clue until recently. Again I refer to the Bible on this one, Proverbs 31, Ephesians 5. I love being home. Yes some days it is boring and other days overwhelming. Yes I do a lot, the laundry I cook two big meals a day. I am learning to cook more from scratch which makes it more challenging. I do the laundry and this is hard because we don't have a washer and dryer. But I love it. I didn't get to stay home until my oldest was nearly 11. I went to work when he was just six weeks old. He spent a lot of time in daycares. It was heart breaking to me.
30.) The men and women who choose to serve our country. For the sacrifices they and their families make in order to protect our freedoms.
31.) My in-laws. They are great people. I love when they get to come up here for a visit. I pray one day I can speak Spanish well enough to talk to them. They raised a good man, I am forever indebted to them for this.
32.) My children's laughter, it is like chocolate ice cream. It is like bells and fireworks and peace. It ripples over me like pebbles in a pond. It is the closest thing to Heaven on this earth.
33.) The clothes that we have. The ability to buy more to buy them new or to buy them used. I try to pass our clothes that we no longer need to others in need.
34.) To my church family in Tennessee. For all of their prayers. For all of them who gave my kids baths, who brought us food, who came to sit with us. This was 2013 when I had that surgery. For The Sister that came to the hospital when my daughter had surgery. For the Sunday School and Children's Church lessons taught. For being there for us through a lot over the years.
35.) To hospitals like Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. This hospital holds a special place in my heart because they laid the foundation for the care that my children now have.
36.) To the Doctor that started seeing my oldest son when he was six and saw my middle son for three years and who fought to help me get the care that my middle son needed. He only saw my daughter a few times, but he was awesome. He listened, he cared, he tried to help in all ways. He even answered questions we may have if we saw him at the grocery store.
37.) For the El Paso School For the Hearing Impaired. My middle son began this program in January of this year, within a month he was talking more than he ever had. He can now say phrases and is almost conversational.
38.) For the life I am granted each and everyday I wake up. For the chance to do better, be better than the day before. To spread the word and miracles of God and salvation. To hug my family each new day, to hear my children stirring in the next room every morning, to cooking breakfast and taking the kids places.
This was a little harder than I thought it would be. But I am glad I did it and happy to share it with you all. Be blessed and don't be afraid of getting older. I am 38 but if you add it 3+8 then you get 11
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Comfortable with me
Most people nowadays do not hold to the old saying that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, or that it isn't what is on the outside, but what is on the inside. I prefer to wear as little make up as possible. To let my hair hang wild and free. But I know how to polish it all off when I need to. I hope that through this honest portrayal of my face that maybe some of you too will be able to show your thoughts on yourself. I love to be comfortable, sometimes I feel sexy or soft or put together. I know that I have lines under my eyes sometimes and I know my make up is often so soft it doesn't cover them. But ultimately we all need to love ourselves because God made us just the way we are This is an unusual post as I wanted to share how I feel and look at various times. The main message here is that we must all come to accept how we look and who we are and be comfortable with that choice. This hasn't always been an easy thing for me to do. As I write this I am on the eve of turning 38 and I am confident enough to realize that this is me and I am happy with me.  |
| Ready for the kids appointments, feeling good, and just a hint of make up |
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| On this particular Saturday I felt soft and very beautiful |
A lazy Friday spent mostly at home 
I wear such a little amount of make up that it is often hard to distinguish the difference
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| Chose Glasses on this day, ready for a day on the town with hubby and kids, the most noticeable part of my make up is my lip gloss |
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| Easy going church look, you can't tell but I've actually got eye shadow and lip gloss along with my BB Cream and powder |
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| An easy day of relaxation, just the kids and I so no make up or contacts |
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| Another day of appointments with the kids, but feeling more like impressing. As you can tell I am really digging the side braid. Full make up here, not that you can tell |
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| Hubby gets Pinned! I wanted to show up and impress him, so I put together this slinky outfit and I felt on top of the world. |
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