Finding a Happy Medium

Sometimes my heart is heavy. Heavy with guilt, heavy with pain, heavy with regret. I carry all of this around like an old battered suitcase. Randomly it will fall to the ground spilling all of the ugly contents. When this happens it is ugly for me, for those around me. A darkness will descend and I fall into an abyss. Then a struggle of climbing out of the abyss ensues. During this time my mind will be overflowing with negativity, with anger and frustration and absolutely no focus.

The biggest source of guilt concerns my oldest son. That he lives so very far away with a man that I can just barely tolerate. The fact that I let my ignorance of the law bring this change about. But logic is that my marriage could not have withstood the daily conflict between my son and I. It was very often like war. But it was this way because my son never knew unconditional love from me. He was always there, but more often than not only the sidelines. He was caught in the bitterness and anger between myself, my mother and my sister. Then there was the constant buying him things he didn't need. Clothes, toys, games, the list goes on. He had huge Christmases and birthdays. New clothes, name brand clothes. But all of this came to an end when I could no longer support the lifestyle and when I remarried.

Remarrying was a wonderful choice for both of us. It was full of promise. A man who was willing to accept my son as his own. The catch was that my son did not want this love. He did not know how to accept it. He also complains and is often melodramatic. Yep just like his mom and grandmother and aunt. There was no longer an unlimited amount of gifts, Christmases were significantly smaller. Clothes tended to be second hand. Why this huge change? We had no money. One of us was working minimum wage, the other was a waiter and we had two children. My son, and another son who was born early and with health issues. But we loved them both equally.

I was depressed while pregnant with my second son because it became obvious in the beginning that he would not have a crib, we could only afford a used pack-n-play. A lot of his clothes were bought at the children's consignment sales. I wanted to buy him so much more, to wrap him in the nicest and fuzziest blankets, but this was not a viable option. We had to pay bills, buy groceries, pay childcare for two kids. I made the most of it. I tried to tell myself that this was the better option, but it made me sad. Now my youngest son never knew that it could be so very different. And he is very satisfied with little. He has toys and a game and clothes and he is happy and full of sunshine.

Then my daughter came along and due to the timing it was nearly impossible to buy her new things. I had her in one state and then six days later took her to my home state. I couldn't afford to buy her all new things because we wouldn't be staying in our home state long, so it wasn't a practical option. I was very blessed that two different people gave me lots of baby clothes and she had enough to last for the first year. Some of the toys and a booster seat and another seat were passed down from her brothers.

Now here we are with two kids in our household. We are a one family income and I long to buy them little treats here and there. To send little care packages to my oldest son. But it isn't an option. We have to make the money go as far as we can. And my husband believes that kids don't need lots of toys. He didn't have many growing up, and he was just fine. This is a sticking point between us. I think they need a few more than they have. I want to do a big Christmas for them, but he tries to keep it down under $300.00. Sometimes I am embarrassed by our frugality and sometimes I am proud of it.

But often the guilt that threatens to bog me down stems from this lack of things. I don't know why I feel the need to be materialistic. I don't know why sometimes I just want to go to the store and buy things just to buy them. It is crazy, and unrealistic. Sometimes I feel like my husband is pushing me to get a job, but then I know that isn't practical because of our son's needs. I also know that he isn't pushing for me to get a job.

Often I feel like I get lost in the mix. That I do so much for everyone in the family, but don't get anything in return. Again, why would I feel this way? It is selfish and just plain nonsense. As a dedicated mother and wife, shouldn't I push my wants and needs and dreams as far from the forefront as possible. Shouldn't I give every last drop of myself to my kids and husband. And what of my other son? The one that I sometimes don't call because I can't find the words to say to him. Because I feel like I pushed him off the bus and left him behind to fend for himself. That I have nothing to give him because all that we have must go to the kids under our roof?

We have two cars, one of which is a new minivan. But now my husband says that it is too expensive to drive all the time. The appointments I go to are spread out all over town, so the economical thing to do is park the van, or let him drive it just to work and then home. So I drive the smaller car, the one that I bought before we were married. It is a good car. But sometimes I get frustrated over this. Why am I driving this car, why is the van sitting there while we make payments on it? Silly thing, but I love the satellite radio in the van.

I have been really praying for God to improve me, to make me the person that he would have me to be, and all of this shows that I have a long journey ahead of me. I am blessed to have a husband who puts all of the needs of the family first. Who thinks forward and each decision is carefully made. He never asks for anything. I wish I could be more like him.

In all of this I try to thank God for every little thing that I have. From my socks to my car to the food on our table. Remember in all things to thank God because he giveth and taketh away.