The Point at Which We Are

Ever so thankful am I for technology,
 the ability to communicate when half a world is between us.


Your face is forever in my dreams
 your voice always in my ears
  your love tucked safely away in forever's chamber of the heart.


It is this same distance that is daunting
 bringing about a dual existence
  for both of us.


I am here
 with the kids
  with my familiar surroundings.


Why do they feel so alien to me?
Why do I feel as if I am floundering?


Seeking questions to my religious standing
 suddenly sure the place I was
  is not the place I am.


Where does this leave me?
How do I move forward from here?
 It is denying the kids and I the very foundation that we need.


And much deeper than that,
 how do I know for sure
  that what I am and what I believe is enough?


Faith by works,
 well in that I am severely lacking.
  I believe and hold that faith securely
   but I do not read much and attend far less than I should
    keeping it at arm's length.


But to be fair
 that is in most areas of my life
  keeping that which is not immediate at arm's length.


And just when I think I have it going on
 the kids remind me that I am not nearly so awesome as Poppy.


The speed at which I do things and the ability to deliver flawlessness is not my specialty


I feel the distance sometimes too much
 I feel the longing and the loneliness.


The future is unsure
 lots and lots of prayer needed for sure.


Is it time for a change?
 Time to move on from this season and into the next?


What about our identity?
 what about our security?
 
Our home is my sanctuary.
My place to retreat away from the world and snuggle into the couch.
 it is the same when you are near or far.
  I retreat here.


Shelter from the world is what you have given me.
 I fear the structure and demands
  the loss of my priorities as they must be second to the company's priorities.


Should I need to step outside the home and become a provider,
 you know that I would,
  but do you know it would also crush me?


I love being the wife, the homemaker, the baker, the planner, go to person for all errands.
 I love my weekends spent at home or out and about with my family.
  I love know that holidays and holiday weekends are mine to spend how I choose and with whom I choose. They are not forced to feed the hungry monster of retail greed.


But ultimately this decision will be reached through communication.
 Thankfully we will have that option this entire time.




Alwildia B. Garcia
November 22, 2015

Keeping Up Appearences

The Reality is that the last year did not adequately prepare me for what I am now facing. The Reality is that I am independent and quite capable of surviving this, even with kids.


But many days I wake as if I walked all night in dreams, heavy dreams that won't fall by the way side. Waking should mean they fall away, yet dreams are clinging. Essential oils assist me with the sleep otherwise I might never sleep. But the correct anti-dreaming combination is yet to be found.


So lost so many days. I crave companionship and conversation. Yet it is this that scares me and drives me to huddle on my couch. I sit listless and lost, confused as what I should be doing.


The motions of the life before cling to my memory, but they are hard to put in use. So many things I think I will do, but never can muster the strength to do. Even things that once brought me peace are falling aside.


Somehow I rise and get one kid to school. And home I return with the bubbly one, the one that needs me. I watch her movements. Listen to her voice and I shrink from it all.


Books bring me solace. An escape from this foggy reality. I am lost. What can I say. The one that gave us motivation and purpose is too far away.
                                                                         
The warmth we once basked in is turning to a deep cold. A grey sky that even when the sun is shining it remains bleak.


I want to reach out, I want to interact, I want to get past this, but I do not know how.


How? It is this that stumps me and leaves me feeling empty on the inside. That drives me to huddle listlessly on the couch with a book, or a TV show or eating ice cream smothered in chocolate syrup.


This is but a speed bump, I know that I will get past this. I know that it is just a mere bubble in time that has stopped and it will resume.


Enjoy what is in front of us, is so easy to say even harder to do.


Understanding from outsiders looking in doesn't come so easily. They have all the answers because they are living this dream, or in this altered reality.


Yes, I should get out more, but to do what? Who would I see? The air is cold here it isn't welcoming. I have stepped from the present into a place that doesn't change. The fact that I did change leaves me on the outside looking in.


I have knocked, I have tried, but my home is safer, warmer and free from outside judgment.


Many days I feel as if I have lost my way, that my faith is slacking. Or is it gone? Is it that I have grown from the place I was the last time I left? Or is it because I lost while I was away? How do I explain to them that express love and welcome us in that I have changed? That I think this may not be the place for me?


Agony over this. Every Single Wednesday, it is pure agony. What must I do.


Seek the answers in prayer in the good book. Yet the good book isn't the one that has been captivating me lately. There I said it.


It is here


Out there for all to see and decide how to react upon.


Pray for me






Awildia B. Garcia
November 19, 2015