The Point at Which We Are

Ever so thankful am I for technology,
 the ability to communicate when half a world is between us.


Your face is forever in my dreams
 your voice always in my ears
  your love tucked safely away in forever's chamber of the heart.


It is this same distance that is daunting
 bringing about a dual existence
  for both of us.


I am here
 with the kids
  with my familiar surroundings.


Why do they feel so alien to me?
Why do I feel as if I am floundering?


Seeking questions to my religious standing
 suddenly sure the place I was
  is not the place I am.


Where does this leave me?
How do I move forward from here?
 It is denying the kids and I the very foundation that we need.


And much deeper than that,
 how do I know for sure
  that what I am and what I believe is enough?


Faith by works,
 well in that I am severely lacking.
  I believe and hold that faith securely
   but I do not read much and attend far less than I should
    keeping it at arm's length.


But to be fair
 that is in most areas of my life
  keeping that which is not immediate at arm's length.


And just when I think I have it going on
 the kids remind me that I am not nearly so awesome as Poppy.


The speed at which I do things and the ability to deliver flawlessness is not my specialty


I feel the distance sometimes too much
 I feel the longing and the loneliness.


The future is unsure
 lots and lots of prayer needed for sure.


Is it time for a change?
 Time to move on from this season and into the next?


What about our identity?
 what about our security?
 
Our home is my sanctuary.
My place to retreat away from the world and snuggle into the couch.
 it is the same when you are near or far.
  I retreat here.


Shelter from the world is what you have given me.
 I fear the structure and demands
  the loss of my priorities as they must be second to the company's priorities.


Should I need to step outside the home and become a provider,
 you know that I would,
  but do you know it would also crush me?


I love being the wife, the homemaker, the baker, the planner, go to person for all errands.
 I love my weekends spent at home or out and about with my family.
  I love know that holidays and holiday weekends are mine to spend how I choose and with whom I choose. They are not forced to feed the hungry monster of retail greed.


But ultimately this decision will be reached through communication.
 Thankfully we will have that option this entire time.




Alwildia B. Garcia
November 22, 2015