The Reality is that the last year did not adequately prepare me for what I am now facing. The Reality is that I am independent and quite capable of surviving this, even with kids.
But many days I wake as if I walked all night in dreams, heavy dreams that won't fall by the way side. Waking should mean they fall away, yet dreams are clinging. Essential oils assist me with the sleep otherwise I might never sleep. But the correct anti-dreaming combination is yet to be found.
So lost so many days. I crave companionship and conversation. Yet it is this that scares me and drives me to huddle on my couch. I sit listless and lost, confused as what I should be doing.
The motions of the life before cling to my memory, but they are hard to put in use. So many things I think I will do, but never can muster the strength to do. Even things that once brought me peace are falling aside.
Somehow I rise and get one kid to school. And home I return with the bubbly one, the one that needs me. I watch her movements. Listen to her voice and I shrink from it all.
Books bring me solace. An escape from this foggy reality. I am lost. What can I say. The one that gave us motivation and purpose is too far away.
The warmth we once basked in is turning to a deep cold. A grey sky that even when the sun is shining it remains bleak.
I want to reach out, I want to interact, I want to get past this, but I do not know how.
How? It is this that stumps me and leaves me feeling empty on the inside. That drives me to huddle listlessly on the couch with a book, or a TV show or eating ice cream smothered in chocolate syrup.
This is but a speed bump, I know that I will get past this. I know that it is just a mere bubble in time that has stopped and it will resume.
Enjoy what is in front of us, is so easy to say even harder to do.
Understanding from outsiders looking in doesn't come so easily. They have all the answers because they are living this dream, or in this altered reality.
Yes, I should get out more, but to do what? Who would I see? The air is cold here it isn't welcoming. I have stepped from the present into a place that doesn't change. The fact that I did change leaves me on the outside looking in.
I have knocked, I have tried, but my home is safer, warmer and free from outside judgment.
Many days I feel as if I have lost my way, that my faith is slacking. Or is it gone? Is it that I have grown from the place I was the last time I left? Or is it because I lost while I was away? How do I explain to them that express love and welcome us in that I have changed? That I think this may not be the place for me?
Agony over this. Every Single Wednesday, it is pure agony. What must I do.
Seek the answers in prayer in the good book. Yet the good book isn't the one that has been captivating me lately. There I said it.
It is here
Out there for all to see and decide how to react upon.
Pray for me
Awildia B. Garcia
November 19, 2015
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