A weak attempt to recreate a dream that lingered throughout the day. A haunting melody of missing the other half. Pouring a glass of wine, never mind the hard Zumba workout. Even there, toward the end of class, the dream came rushing back through the words of a song. The moves felt forced as I struggled to focus and not form words in my head as I do the routine. Once home a hurried routine with the kids so that I could get them quiet, to let the dream come back in wispy waves.
It was a clear night, which somehow moved into a clear morning. The overwhelming feeling of warmth. Of comfort and satisfaction. The act of making love with the one held so close. His face not visible but through the tangled sheets I could see his uniform clad leg. I knew he was close by the weight of his body. No words were uttered. It was us in a strange bed in a strange house a strange place. The ringing of a phone and hands pushing it away, pleading for it to be ignored, but it was not. The feeling of longing begins to creep closer as his words echo in the vast room. More pleading for him not to leave to stay close, but we both know that can't be. They need him. I see things shifting and I know I am not satisfied with the situation and that longing is pulling at me as I watch him walk down the stairs. I see a strange car and I wonder what they must think of the house, of being inside of it for the first time. And then it is over, daylight pours into my window and I know that it is time to rise.
A day filled with normalcy for the most part. Playing a mobile phone game with my son. Getting him to and from speech. Sweating profusely as I move about outside in the humid Tennessee sun. Yearning for a cooler climate. Waves of contentment mixed with sadness. My oldest turns sixteen tomorrow, but he won't be in my house. Maybe I will see him the next day, but his father holds him in front of me like a carrot dangled in front of a rabbit.
Two songs brought me back to where I was in Hawaii. They reassured me that it was once like a dream and will soon be again. How I miss him. How I yearn to be in his arms, tangled in the sheets quietly watching television or sleeping or talking. He is my dream come true. A whirlwind of emotions and I often feel breathless. Left crying in the wings while life plays out before me and I am nothing more than a spectator.
At a loss as to how to be who I was without the craziness, but some of the craziness is what made me who I was. I feel that other girl pushing through the boundaries sometimes at Zumba. My body wants to fall into the music and dance aimlessly. Dance alone on a dance floor that has yet to become crowded. I can hear the words to every song that was mine, that I claimed for me. I was a star however drunk I was at the time, I was a star. I was good at socializing at making everyone feel like they mattered. There are many days now that I am not sure I matter. How do I harness that wild that made me the carefree and fun to be around girl? How can that wild girl still reign free but be a mother and a wife?
Many days I am at odds with who I am, who I was. I know I am in a much better place. I am a much better person. I have evolved, and somehow the spark is sputtering and I'm not sure it can be revived.
Worry not my friends, I am in a good place and I am going to survive.
Praying that I can even find my words and let them flow the way they once did.
I am wild at heart and sometimes the wild ones will appear to be tamed when really they are not.
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