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Snow falling

Snow falling all day long

Snow falling into the early evening

Snow falling when I go to bed

I shovel snow early in the day. Proud of my handy work. Clear driveway, clear sidewalk, cleared an area for delivery people that do not deliver to my door. Even made a cute maze for the little Chihuahua in the back yard.

Cleaning

Working out in between tasks

Feeling good about myself

Feeling good about the day

Look out window and sigh

Look out window and realize that I cannot really see what I originally shoveled. Neighbors are outside shoveling, maybe I should also shovel.

An hour later my progress is barely visible. I come inside. I eat lunch with my kids. I take a nap on the couch.

I see neighbors once again shoveling, so I to go out to shovel. But it isn't doing much. What I move from the driveway is dropped from the sky.

I stand in the garage and stare at my snow blower. I saw  the neighbors using theirs. Mine is so heavy. The electric start will not work. The thing is daunting to me. I am intimidated by it. So I go inside I cook a supper that one kid refuses to eat until it is cold. I see the hour is late. My body is beginning to protest all that I have done today.

Outside I go.

I stop in front of the snow blower. I turn it on with the pull cord and away I go down the driveway. Struggling to hold onto it and to figure out how best to do this. I consult the nice neighbor and he gives me a quick rundown ensuring me that it is okay to go into the road, and that when it is all over I will have big guns from muscling that thing around.

So I give it a go. I think I am doing okay. I get the giant snow pile at the end of the driveway knocked down. I go out into the road. I let it pull me I throw all my weight into getting it to swing around and come back into the driveway. I feel my muscles protesting. I smell the gas. Visibility is low due to it being dark and the snow blowing everywhere from the Shute.

Let us address language.

You cannot shovel snow nor use a snow blower without profanities filling your mind. I know my neighbor across the street probably thinks I always use the horrible f word. As I push the shovel into the snow I curse the offending resistance. As I shovel snow as fast as it falls I am cursing it. I am saying like a mantra "Why am I in this Godforsaken place? I do not belong here, I am a Tennessee girl, how did I get this fing lost?"

But then I stop myself and I try to say a prayer of thanks for my ability to shovel snow, for my shovel, for my husband who is currently in a warm sunny place. And then I turn and let loose a string of profanities.

I love God

I ask for his forgiveness even as I yell "f this fing snow" I tell God that I am sorry for using bad language and that I pray he will forgive me and convict me.

By the time I have nearly buried our van with the snow from the snow blower and I have a passably clear drive way I am feeling like a ninja. I feel like I have it going on and that I am in control. I am thankful I got out here one last time to conquer this snowy nightmare.

Once inside I quickly get kids ready for bed and read the Bible story. I pour myself a glass of wine and grab the hot shower I meant to get all day but didn't. I crawl into my bed and my arms hurt, my back hurts, my tummy is tingly and I feel too tired to drink wine and watch a favorite television show. I make myself do it anyway. After all, I am not a quitter right?

Morning dawns and I am elated that today my son will go back to school even if it is two hours later. I go outside and realize that the snow blower is out of gas and that there is no gas in the gas can. This after it goes just outside the garage before sputtering out. I want to rant and throw myself down into a sniveling heap upon the piled up snow.

I don't

I grab my shovel and attempt to get a clearing for my son to walk through to the bus. An hour later I have managed to push snow around the driveway, somewhat dig out one side of the van and make a tiny hole at the very end of the driveway. I have also muscled the dang snow blower back into the garage.

Inside to recuperate and drink a much needed cup of coffee and get my son ready for his day.

Back outside after thirty minutes determined to conquer the offending pile of snow.

I do

I do slowly conquer the pile of snow.

I also curse it

I also sigh and try to catch my breath

My bangs can't be moved from in front of my eyes, they become stiff from the cold air and moisture of my mumblings. I am hot and sweating just like I would had I been at the gym instead of in a snow bank. My arms hurt.

I think to myself how I can't, that I am not strong enough to remove this giant pile of snow

Then I do it and I make it happen.

I talk to myself.

I glare at people driving by who stare at me.

I push snow toward the pile furthest away from my driveway. I throw shovels full of snow into my yard nearly burying a small tree. I watch in disbelief as the kids just stumble their way through waist high snow laughing and being happy.

While shoveling the worst of it I catch myself thinking how when I was younger and stupid and hanging out in bars that I was "one badass bitch" But you know what, that wasn't even close to the truth because now while my husband is away enjoying time with family and friends I am here. Here in this frozen land and I am making it. I am cleaning the house, attempting to work out, getting things done and most importantly I am shoveling this fing snow.

So who is the "badass bitch now?"

Yep, that's right, this Tennessee girl has got it going on.

I thought I was doomed and that this was all I could handle, but nope, I pulled out extra reserves of badass and got that driveway clear.

I am happy, but I am also overwhelmed, sore, and cranky.

I get my driveway clear, my sidewalk clear, I even dig out a small trail for my Chihuahua.

Then I come inside. Sore and tired and cook breakfast and prepare to clean the house.

January 6 2017

Blast it All

True to the form, something must always go wrong in the house while the husband is away. This time it is a garage door.

Home from a day of errands and satisfied with deals from the thrift shop my daughter and I prepare to relax. And the garage door will not close. A quick call to maintenance and this older seemly nice enough gentleman arrives. I try really hard to like him, but I can't help but get the vibe he thinks this is beneath him. Then he finds something that could have been blocking the sensor, hits a reset button on the main box and it closes.

End of story.

Until an hour or so later I hear the garage door go up. I look and lo and behold it has gone up. Push the button and go on my way. Just a little later it begins to get drafty in the back area close to the door that leads out into the garage. Yes, the door was up. Now I am beginning to think I am losing my mind, so I decide to randomly check on it. And yes two more times it goes up on it's own. I place a call to maintenance, this time for emergency services because it is 4:30pm. and they are done for the day. Within a few hours I notice the door is up and just about that time the next guy arrives. He asks me if I knew it was up since he saw it like that when he parked.

This guy goes out there pulls it up and down, and turns off the breaker switch. He finally gets it to where I can open it manually and goes away. I am thinking this is great. The only downside is it being a little awkward to pull it back down because I am short. They put in a work order promising someone would come on Friday.

Friday arrives and my driveway is completely blocked at the end by a night's worth of snow plows. The guy arrives earlier than I expected and I think he was trying to be chipper, but at that moment it came across wrong.

So I am trying to shovel and he wants to make small talk. I am just barely holding my temper in. This is before coffee and not more than thirty minutes after I rolled out of bed.

I have to brush snow off of the van in order to grab the controller for the garage door.

And naturally he can find nothing wrong with the door. He tells me to call should it act up. By the time he makes his way through my tiny opening at the end of the driveway I am nearly ready to smack him with my shovel.

Not even thirty minutes later he is back. This time he wants to completely reset the box. So again I have to stop shoveling hand him both remotes and listen to him prattle on an on about taking my time with the shoveling and how this is life. Really?

Finally he leaves.

No more than an hour after he leaves the dang door is opened again. I close it. It opens. I call dispatch who wants me to pull the red cord, disable the door and wait until Wednesday.

I let loose part of the annoyance I had been holding in all day.

The guy came back sat in his van for thirty minutes then comes to the door and proceeds to tell me he can't fix it because it doesn't appear to be broke. Then tries to joke with me about it being possessed or me feeling like I am going crazy. He also tells me he understands that it costs money to heat a house that is drafty from a wonky garage door. I am done with him. I am praying this door works and that I can forget about him and the door and the snow on the other side of the door.

I know I am not crazy.

January 6 2017

Existing

With husband away I am left to my own devices.
Like a mouse with no cat around.

Instead I exist as if in a fog.
The first few days drifting along in a cold abyss.
Not sure how the kids really made it though.

Positive the food served wasn't the best.
Minimal effort.
The television on.
Child's cartoon, child's game,
later into the day adult television.

I managed to watch three seasons of a popular television show and another season of a Netflix exclusive.

Outings did happen.
Recycling was turned in.
Both vehicles taken to the car wash.

I have managed one morning at the local community center to work out.

I am getting myself moving forward from the place of deep depression.

School has started again.
The routine a welcome relief to the floating of timeless days with two kids in the house.

I know now how empty I will feel once the real deal happens.
Coming up soon another time of being a half way single mom while husband tries to maintain his presence through video chat.

His phone calls now seem so empty. Devoid of emotion from both of us. I cannot fathom why. It leaves me feeling more empty.

We were at a better understanding. The last few months of adjustment and working it out will all be for naught soon. No it isn't that big D, it is the other one.

I am happy. Confident in his love for me. I finally understand he does support me and my oldest son who has recently brought forth too much emotion.

I miss that child. I know that he is okay now. At least I am praying so.

And now as the tiny feet patter down the stairs I must begin another day.


January 4 2017