Until It Happens To You

Summer time is upon us. Sunny days mixed with rainy days.
New tentative friendships that appear to be growing roots.
Things feel as if they are good. Laughter from kids playing, talking and laughing over drinks in a back yard.

Danger lurking, trotting, huffing, and licking the children.

When one moment finds you laughing and the next someone is wiping your child's blood off your arm. Where there are tears and loud voices and a blur of movement and emotions.

The culprit a dog. A big dog. A Siberian Husky. That just knocked my child to the ground and bit him on the head. All this seemingly unprovoked.

I see the owners tears for her dog, for my child, for the broken moments of innocence.

I see the blood being wiped from my child's head, as he cries in the floor and all I can do is look on.

Calm is all over me. I am sad for all that are there. My heart heavy for what has happened.

When off to the emergency room we are whisked, I sit in numb silence. I keep telling myself that this dog is not a mean a dog. Yet I cannot figure out why this dog would do this. I want to reassure the family that I am not angry.

The truth is, I haven't had time to get angry yet. I am still processing all that is going on.

I hold my child as they put five staples in his head. I want to cry right along without shedding a tear for the tears will not come.

Once home I help my child into the shower to wash away the blood.

But morning dawns too brightly much too soon and it is still so fresh.

I reach out to the family who by this point have become distant. They do not offer any more words of encouragement or condolence. They do not offer to pay for the prescription.

As I knew he would be, my husband is beyond angry. This is only made worse by the distance of miles between us.

I know what I must do and as a storm rolls in, I make the call to report the incident.

I feel somewhat reassured and discouraged.

But when I contact my housing community I quickly learn that no action will be taken because they must go according to what is stated in the police report and that is the dog was provoked.

I obtain my copy and read four witness statements that are nearly identical and all state that my children were basically torturing their dog. They would not leave the dog alone and that I was told but did nothing.

They also stated that my kids were mean to our dog, funny since two of them never saw my children interact with my dog.

The report made my blood boil and the tears threaten to spill. The need for vengeance and all I know would be for naught.

When I talked to the last person that was there, I was told that there were a few instances where my child was close to the dog and the dog removed himself from the situation.

My anger somewhat abated. But not fully.

Beware of taking your kids to houses with dogs you aren't fully knowledgeable about. I walked away from this knowing that my most likely SPD son was probably making jerky sudden movements and startled a dog into knocking him to the ground. I did not have my eyes fully on the dog or my child and in that I am wrong. This does not excuse the dog by any means. It does not make me a bad mother or them a bad dog owner.

Friendships are ruined and blood has been spilled. I am another step closer to my breaking point.

June 28 2017

Missng You

Seductive music
glass of wine
swaying in the darkness of a quiet house
sloshing glass of wine
closed eyes

Remember
his touch
his arms wrapped tightly around me
feeling his strength

He won't let me give in to my weakness
no crying for me
Stronger than I know and pushing through

But here in the darkness
with him away
again

Love songs on the radio
Love songs that make you miss them so much more

The endless days
The nights full of twisted dreams
waking alone
sometimes the nightmares are so bad that waking alone won't shake them off

Knowing that this will pass is not enough

I need him

He is my rock
my other half

The dance we dance is ours
just enough push and pull from each of us

Hurting
but he doesn't know this
I won't tell him

Yearning for a beer somedays
longing for a smoke other days
so badly I can feel them and taste them
Weakness I am weak
But aren't we all?


Olivia J Stuart
June 1 2017

Youth Slipping Away

Who am I
  Lost in a whirl of memories and happening now

Feeling the youth slipping away, the music attempting to burst forth from my soul
 falling flat.

Empty radio stations, old CDs
 nothing that can speak the volumes that are straining at the restraints

A tired routine
 day in and day out
   the same tiny strip of road.

My life contained between an elementary school and my house.

Fear or depression
 maybe loneliness
  where is my desire to be free? To sing and dance

I wish to feel ALIVE
 I feel confused, lost, sad, angry, happy, in love

I am all that I never dreamed I would be

I used to be cool before the Saturn Ion or the minivan

The music used to vibrate from my soul out into the world
 the story of my life was there for all to see
  it was not confined to and endless winter and spring with lying sunshine and never ending rain

I am wilting
 like a flower
  my youth is over

Middle age
 yes I am there
  knocking on that door of old age

My soul is in denial
 I want to be the bad ass chick
  certainly the powerful woman mom who rocked it at the gym

Losing my identity
 each endless second that ticks by

Losing my identity
 through dreams and nightmares

Each day I rise I feel a certain way that I cannot name. A memory my body is not letting go, but not fully brining forth.

I wish to lose myself just one day night
 to become the fire breathing being that I used to be
  that anger grips my heart tightly some days

Cursing at the moon the stars the wind
 I feel it like a breathing dragon
  like the goddess I used to think I was

Sinner that I was
 Mother and wife that I am

Be content
Be thankful
Embrace the new era
 Feel forever Thirty not the eleven years more
Grasp every moment and unleash the fire

Olivia J Stuart
June 1 2017