Where It May Lead (Daydream)

Pick the perfect play list on this phone of mine. Crank it up.

Slip into something slinky, after a long hot soak in the bathtub. Smelling fresh and fruity like the lotion I prefer.
         
Pour that glass of wine.

Look him in the eye and begin to sway ever so lazy. Listening to each sensual beat and letting it take over.

Watching him step ever so close before laying hands upon my shoulders and pressing his mouth hard against mine.

Letting him push me back against the wall and passion flow from him to me and back to him.

We know where this will end.

Tangled sheets and slick bodies pressed together. Clinging to each other as if there is no other way to survive.

All that transpired before this moment forgotten. Becoming one and letting all worries slide away. Knowing that I belong to you and you belong to me.

The door is closed and locked.

But the kids know where we are and nights like this they prove to be restless. And the inevitable knock upon the door will threaten to bring us back to earth. Taming the urgency and leaving a taste of what will happen once the kids are settled again.

August 9 2016

Never Imagined

Life has a way of taking you on a journey. You set your course and plod away and before you know it the paths twist and turn. Some will merge others will go in an entirely different direction. It is important to stay focused on what's before you. Hold your memories tight in your heart, but don't let the broken dreams or past heartaches snag you in their branches.

The possibilities of what could or could not happen are endless. You hold the decision making tool in your hands. When standing at the edge of dark forest, or endless cornfield, it is up to you whether or not you enter. But fate may play a hand or two on what you will encounter.

One day you will wake up and realize that you are no where near where you thought you might be. The people around you have most likely changed numerous times along the way. Look up and thank God that you are where you are. Why? That is exactly where you need to be.

Over the years my life has changed direction many different times. From childhoods angst and darkness, shrouded in confusion and lack of true guidance I gained a hardened heart. Into young adulthood and supposed true love and selfishness I found myself at the edge of freedom's vast meadow. Through wild grasses blowing against my face as a warm breeze blows. The taste for alcohol acquired and desired.

A pregnancy at a time when wild oats were still being sown. Heartache, shame, anger, and hatred are boiling emotions deep within my soul. This journey would begin at the bottom of a mountain and lead me up into the snowy peaks of frozen hopes and dreams. Down into warmer valleys that would flood from never ending rain leaving me to find a way through roiling water and mud. The debris around me swirling and leading me down a darker path.

When at the bottom I look up and see the blue sky and know that for a time I may have found my rainbows end. Where once I was shiftless and belonging nowhere I now had a permanent address that was MINE. My child's laughter would ring through the halls. The yard forever a mess of toys and dogs. My Mother's issues and my desire to improve clashing like cold and hot air. Thunderclouds rolling above and below. And still this child hyper as can be could often find happiness everywhere.

Not to last as he grew older he became more sullen. Medication turning him into a strange being who didn't want to eat or sleep at normal times. Now his anger was competing with the adults. This house that he called home. This house that he knew was his.

Change.

In a moment's notice it all changed.

His world went from perceived normal to a new reality. A man has moved in and a baby is to come. Wedding bells and new rules and stipulations. How to fit in, how to get through the webs of confusion. Crying mother and frustrated step father. A new baby is here and what to do with him. He is different and in a hospital and when he comes home chaos rules.

Suddenly everything is about that baby.

What about me? The son? The one who came first, the one you swore would always be your only baby? And now suddenly this house you promised me. The car that you said would be mine at sixteen.

Nothing is mine.

Not even my own mother. A stranger living inside of her body. Her laughter is forced. Her smiles are rare. Her stress radiates through the house like a minefield. No one knows their place only that treading lightly is the way to go.

And now the house is for sale. It will belong to none of us.

And the son's place will be lost for sure. His angry father lashing out to him about his mother.

He is torn between a world of normalcy and kindness, manners and thoughtfulness. And one much darker where it is everyone for themselves, racism and chauvinism.

Many moments he knows not who to love. His father who tries to make him realize what an awful uncaring mother he has. Or his mother who tries too hard to remain neutral.

Chaos.

That is the new reality.

As the house that once promised stability and a future is put on the market ready to be sold.

Chaos that could never have been imagined.

Daunting

As Monday draws to a close and the smell of freshly baked muffins fills the house, the heat is becoming too much. A run to the thermostat to bring it back to cool, only to feel hotter air rushing from the vents. And suddenly the realization that the storm from earlier where lightening had seemed so close must have made the unit go on the blitz.

Anger sets in and raging at all that cannot be controlled. Windows thrown open in haste and the humid air smelling of rain pushes away the baked goodies smell. A night of no sleep. Where sounds are too close and humidity is too much.

Tuesday dawns and a hearing aid is also on the blitz. This means a fight to get a referral a long wait and a child wearing only one until who knows when.

I drive the car with no air conditioning away from the house with no air condition to the gym. It took a lot for me to rise up off of the couch after putting my son on the bus. I wanted to give in to defeat. To bask in the misery that I was sure would bring me down for good. Instead I forced myself to pullout my workout clothes.

The workout was intense and I had plenty of anger to put into the routine. The instructor's bubbly personality brought me up. The call for air conditioner repair came. After the workout I rushed home and there was the repairman and already my air was working. How elated I was!

As the week progressed and I found my niche in the kitchen again. Cooking just about every meal that we ate that week. Even on Monday after a day spent shopping and driving an hour there and back in the non working air conditioned car, I had cooked supper. I made two different types of muffins on two different days.

Spending time at the gym finding my inner beast pushing my limits and feeling rejuvenated not conquered. My body is a little sore, but I know the workouts have paid off.

My oldest came for a visit. And spending time with all of my kiddos has been such a blessing. I even had a great short visit with one of my childhood friends.

God is great even in the darkness. When I felt the weight of the world upon my shoulders I happened to call a friend about an unrelated matter and she had the words I needed to hear.

Next week will be good. It is the outlook after all.

The Slump

Friday dawned bright, sunny, and hot. My feet did not hit the floor before 9:30a.m. A restless slumber interrupted in the wee hours by a tiny Chihuahua. As an excuse for aimless wandering about the house, I turned off the alarm and fell back into the world of dreams.

In excusable. And even as I fell back against the pillow, I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew that the repercussions would be felt throughout the day and beyond. I heard the voices in my head arguing about getting up and making class, and still I refused to make my body move from beneath the blankets.

Saturday night I kept the kids and myself up until midnight. And naturally I did not get us to church. I did not really do much more than attempt to find the sermon online.

Guilt was piling up. I knew I was wrong on both counts. I knew that I was better than this, and could do so much more.

The grass did get cut on Sunday evening and one tiny feeling of accomplishment overcame me.

By Monday morning I was not quite myself.

Over tired from watching a tragically sad movie about turning 40. Watching this in the wee hours of the morning rather than sleeping. I turned off the lights as dawn was creeping up. I slept late and woke up feeling sluggish.

Breakfast cooked and served and a little school type activities for the kids.

Even though this was to be a hearing aide appointment for my son, I did not get him equipped with hearing aides. In fact I barely managed to get both kids and myself together and out the door. A slightly grumpy granddad accompanied us to this appointment.

Upon arrival I realized that we were at a hearing aide appointment without hearing aides and in that moment nearly threw in the towel. My youngest was being difficult and throwing temper tantrums. A rude lady stared me down sneering at me.

I sad in my chair angrily staring her down, but I knew Bitch mode was about to break out. I could see the words she wasn't speaking flashing across her face, and it made me angrier. Somehow, I managed to let it slide.

The appointment went well, and after a meal in a fast food restaurant and a thrift store, I spent the next thirty minutes trying to convince myself that I was too tired to attend Zumba. My dad was being encouraging my not saying either way.

I did make it. I did feel much better about things after the class.

Words to Verbalize

A weak attempt to recreate a dream that lingered throughout the day. A haunting melody of missing the other half. Pouring a glass of wine, never mind the hard Zumba workout. Even there, toward the end of class, the dream came rushing back through the words of a song. The moves felt forced as I struggled to focus and not form words in my head as I do the routine. Once home a hurried routine with the kids so that I could get them quiet, to let the dream come back in wispy waves.

It was a clear night, which somehow moved into a clear morning. The overwhelming feeling of warmth. Of comfort and satisfaction. The act of making love with the one held so close. His face not visible but through the tangled sheets I could see his uniform clad leg. I knew he was close by the weight of his body. No words were uttered. It was us in a strange bed in a strange house a strange place. The ringing of a phone and hands pushing it away, pleading for it to be ignored, but it was not. The feeling of longing begins to creep closer as his words echo in the vast room. More pleading for him not to leave to stay close, but we both know that can't be. They need him. I see things shifting and I know I am not satisfied with the situation and that longing is pulling at me as I watch him walk down the stairs. I see a strange car and I wonder what they must think of the house, of being inside of it for the first time. And then it is over, daylight pours into my window and I know that it is time to rise.

A day filled with normalcy for the most part. Playing a mobile phone game with my son. Getting him to and from speech. Sweating profusely as I move about outside in the humid Tennessee sun. Yearning for a cooler climate. Waves of contentment mixed with sadness. My oldest turns sixteen tomorrow, but he won't be in my house. Maybe I will see him the next day, but his father holds him in front of me like a carrot dangled in front of a rabbit.

Two songs brought me back to where I was in Hawaii. They reassured me that it was once like a dream and will soon be again. How I miss him. How I yearn to be in his arms, tangled in the sheets quietly watching television or sleeping or talking. He is my dream come true. A whirlwind of emotions and I often feel breathless. Left crying in the wings while life plays out before me and I am nothing more than a spectator.

At a loss as to how to be who I was without the craziness, but some of the craziness is what made me who I was. I feel that other girl pushing through the boundaries sometimes at Zumba. My body wants to fall into the music and dance aimlessly. Dance alone on a dance floor that has yet to become crowded. I can hear the words to every song that was mine, that I claimed for me. I was a star however drunk I was at the time, I was a star. I was good at socializing at making everyone feel like they mattered. There are many days now that I am not sure I matter. How do I harness that wild that made me the carefree and fun to be around girl? How can that wild girl still reign free but be a mother and a wife?

Many days I am at odds with who I am, who I was. I know I am in a much better place. I am a much better person. I have evolved, and somehow the spark is sputtering and I'm not sure it can be revived.

Worry not my friends, I am in a good place and I am going to survive.

Praying that I can even find my words and let them flow the way they once did.

I am wild at heart and sometimes the wild ones will appear to be tamed when really they are not.

Feeling Like Home

Recently the kids and I and Granddad loaded up the minivan and headed north to Michigan. The trip there was rather uneventful. I did a lot of the driving and the conversation between my Dad and I flowed steadily.

The scenery rushed past the windows and the sun moved across the sky. We went from dripping sweat humidity to barely noticing the humidity.

For me this was an odyssey of sorts.

I was heading up north to see my Mother whom I had not seen for three years. I was nervous and worried that it might not go smoothly. I feared I was taking my youngest two kids into a hornets nest.

It was not a bad visit. It was a wonderful visit. Old demons were not there in the shadows. It was as if my Mother had finally found her happy place. My Grandmother's ill temperament was long gone and not hanging over us anymore. The hot Alabama sun warming up the mobile home in a treeless wasteland was a distant memory.

Hugs aplenty from family all the way around. How warm and opening it all felt. To be whisked inside their homes and treated not as a stranger, but a familiar face. Laughter sounded all around. I was blessed. I slept soundly on a twin air mattress with both kids and at my Mother's house. We ate well. We spent time outside in the warm Michigan air wondering where the humidity was. The trees were a lush green the grass so soft beneath our feet. The dirt roads we traversed were dust filled and stirring up feelings of home.

It was almost as if I had come home, almost the same feeling I get when rolling across the Tennessee border after being in West Texas.

The memories I had of childhood summers there, were fresh in my mind. The warm feelings of childhood and belonging rushed in. Many of the places we went were familiar to me. Even when I ventured to my Mother's little town, I felt at peace.

I could picture myself, my kids, even my husband here. I could envision my kids attending the schools and receiving optimal healthcare. I could see my husband outside grilling. I know there was not a heavy Hispanic influence in the areas we were, but it still felt like a home could be made there.

I am thankful to God for this trip, this time with all of my family.

I also learned a love for IKEA. I now want to decorate my entire house in IKEA furniture and even acquired a few gadgets for my kitchen.

And upon the trip home where once again I did the driving. I studied the roads, since many of these will be the ones we travel to our new home place. I listened to my kids playing in the back of the van. I encouraged my Dad to talk and tell me about things I might need to know.

The realization that I am finally and adult hit me. At nearly 40, I feel as if I am coming into my own.

And then in Kentucky when we stepped out of the van, the humidity hit me hard and I realized that I love the South, but the humidity is not for me anymore.

Be blessed. Enjoy your family. Set aside differences and make an effort to see them. God is Great and so are you.

July 14 2016

The Unsent Text Message

In the dead of night I am sleeping soundly. From somewhere outside of the depths of sleep the sound of barking dogs begins to filter in and register with the mind. I finally wake up enough to access the situation.

I hear dogs loudly barking. I hear them clearly enough that it means they are close to my house. My Chihuahua is still in his basket. I do not hear him stirring. Minutes tick by and I realize that the dogs are going nowhere fast and I must run them off or else face two cranky children.

Heading the laundry room to grab the bleach cleaning spray. Once in the front of the house I realize that the dogs are actually in my yard.

Upon opening the door a very yappy beagle sees me and makes a run for home barking all the way up the hill. No lights in his house come on and I realize that most likely they let the dogs out and fell back to sleep. The other dog, is one that I have been trying to intimidate for months. He loves to poop in my yard where my kids will step in it.

I look back at the clock 3:23a.m.

Really???

So I holler out the door at the dog who can't hear me over his own barking. I open the back door, and there he is between my two cars almost to my back porch. He retreats to the road where he continues barking and staring me down. I begin to throw rocks in his direction and he slowly backs away barking and staring until he finally runs away.

It is now 3:30a.m. and I am wide awake. I try to lie in bed and force myself to go to sleep, but it doesn't work. I did script a text message though.

"Hi, at 3:20a.m. your dogs were out again. They were in my yard again. Only this time they were barking loud enough I am sure they could have raised the dead. Since neither of my children or even my dog were woken up my this racket, I think you should feel relieved. Should this have happened, I might not have sent a quaint message, but rather banged on your door in the dead of night. Your beagle is by far the loudest dog I have ever encountered. How odd that I own a Chihuahua but you would never know it because he doesn't bark, unlike your beagle that is constantly barking every time it gets loose. He was barking in front of my house, I guess to alert your other dog. The alpha male who thinks he owns this entire street behind your house. Little do you know, I have been in a battle of wills with him for months. I slowly follow him down the road should I see him when I am in my car. I don't get close to him, but he knows that I see him and that I want to be the dominate entity on this stretch of my road. I will sit idling in front of him for minutes at a time. I also enjoy spraying the bleach cleaner in his general direction when I see him in my yard taking a crap. I know you don't care because you let him out all of the time. I know you are probably thankful that he doesn't crap in your yard, but rather in someone else's yard. Last night he was in my driveway, right between my cars, almost to the steps of my deck. I believe he was barking to see if he could rouse my little Chihuahua so that it would come outside and he could stand in his haughty stance and glare at him. But you see my dog is rather well behaved and on the rare occasion he is outside he doesn't stray up the hill into your yard, instead your dog comes to my house to chase him. My dog also doesn't bark and he certainly doesn't run the neighborhood at all hours of the night. Should he run outside to take a quick pee, he can't wait to get back inside. This business with your dogs is becoming quite the issue and I implore you to take better care of your dogs. This is your getting seriously ticked neighbor down the hill."

Not being able to sleep, and knowing that the neighbor doesn't really care, I begin to read my book until I am finally able to fall asleep.

Disclaimer: No dogs have been hurt or will ever be hurt. They may annoy me, but I find ways to annoy them without harming them. I would never purposely hurt an animal, not even one that refuses to acknowledge that I am alpha female in my yard.