Time Never Slows Down

It's been just over a year since we came back to sunny Tennessee. I came with a heavy heart and expecting the worst experience.

I was wrong.

This last year was a growing experience. A time to accept where I am and where various friends and family members are. To embrace our individual trials and schedules and quirks. To open the heart and the mind to truly listen to what all is being said by everyone around you.

A true blessing for my kids and I.

There are many that I didn't get to see as often as I would have liked. But I am comfortable knowing that they are there. Through phone calls and text messages our relationships evolved. To comfortable in the fact that yes face to face is optimal, but sometimes a simple text is just the right amount of interaction. It is not because we want to be alone, but that we accept where we are as individuals and our situations and embrace each other just as we are. To reach this point, you must be truly grown. You must be confident in the relationship you share. Time won't slow down for any of us, so we must seize each and every moment.

I watched my kids become closer to their cousins. To begin requesting that Auntie come for the night. To go Pokémon hunting, or the park. I loved seeing my youngest niece every morning at the school. My sister and I were finally able to reach a level of communication and it was truly amazing. I accepted her and she accepted me. This has been years in the making. The first few months were uneasy, but we pushed through for the kids and for each other.

I'm always a Daddy's girl, nothing new here. I took a road trip with my Dad to visit my Michigan family. It was an amazing experience. Great memories made with all my Aunts and even my Mom. My Dad was there for me through it all. Even when not feeling  his best, he was giving it all he had, for me. How can I ever say that I am not blessed.

We grew in a new church. A church I would love to join, but that is not in God's plan at this exact moment in our lives. I watched the people embrace the kids and I. My children eager to walk through those doors each and every day. The word of the Lord a tight embrace in times of need.

I missed my husband so very much. It has been nearly six years since he has lived in our tiny house in this smaller town. Yet in my heart he is here. Through the lens of a camera he saw our daily lives. HIs voice echoing against the walls as he talked to us. This is not the best way to live, but hurray for technology! 

I have made new friends, grown closer to old friends.

I am confident in the next step. Our next adventure. I know that my friends here will always be my friends. I have so many friends from all over the United States. How could I ever ask for a better blessing than that? I have an amazing husband by my side. One who supports me and I support him.

My fitness journey began here. One that I plan on continuing. Many new friends were made at the YMCA. So truly blessed to have gone there and learned my inner strength and gained the confidence to continue to grow. I am now more confident with my body image. I have learned that I can change it. I have learned that it is truly beautiful.

This one year in Tennessee was truly a blessing. I thank everyone.


Sunday October 9, 2016

Dedicated to all of my Tennessee friends and family, May we all continue to grow closer

The Cycle Continues

As the days wind down for this adventure to end and another to begin, I realize that I am leaving a mess behind me. My heart is broken every time I hear my teenage son lash out at me in anger. Every time I see him forcefully smack his smaller brother and sister with a pillow. Name calling from stupid to idiot to racial slurs pour out of his mouth almost constantly. We yell at each other a lot. Over and over.

He says that I am an overbearing mom who has no good food to eat in the house who abandoned him and doesn't love him and thinks he is her slave.

I think he is a confused and hurt teenager. Misguided and being influenced by people who are selfish.

My heart breaks, it is broken. I know I have lost my son forever. In my heart I know that he doesn't love me. He resents the smaller kids.

All of this is my fault. I did leave him. I did drive away.

I try.

At least I think I try.

Favorite foods, clean clothes, attempts at fun activities at which I am reminded that he is no longer two.

When around others he is good as gold. The second it is us he is on the attack. The younger kids cry a lot when he is around. I feel like dying a lot when he is around.

I feel like I should die for ruining his life, causing him to hate me and the younger two. I do not know how to correct the wrong.

He won't let me near him, there are no hugs only empty words.

I know he was once my bubbly little boy but now he is an angry ball of emotion.

For many years I hated my own mom. I feel like this is karma for the way I felt for my mom. But I don't think the younger two should feel so much hate flowing from his heart and anguish from mine. They are caught between us.

My Dad says I should not let my oldest visit. He is right. I shouldn't. But I don't want to not visit him. I keep brining him over hoping and praying that this time will be different and it never is.

My heart is shattered. His heart is as well

Can we move past this? Will it always be this way between us?

Lord help us all.

I want my boy to love me again.

Thoughts, Dreams, and a Whirlwind

There are moments like these
  times when forever is at the door

When just to catch a glimpse
  of the stars above
    twinkling down upon us

Father time seems to disappear
  leaving everything at a standstill

The ticking of the clock
  the same as footsteps

Climbing and climbing
  reaching a point high above the shore

To look down
  to see the crashing waves
    and to know all is well

To know that you can fly
  as you lean forward
   with wings spread out

The ocean sprays you gently
  as you dip close
   yet not so close that death could grab you

Back up into the purple sky
 past the fluffy clouds

If only the moon wasn't so far away
 way beyond the tree line
   and out there with the stars

Milky white
 hanging up there with eternity

True life isn't down here
  nor up there

But through the mirror
 where true souls are reflected

Lies can't be spoken
 for once reversed they become true

The road isn't paved
 only gravel that crunches beneath the hooves

Yes, a horse
 a beautiful white horse

Riding side saddle
 confined by proper clothes
  hair securely braided winding around the head to form a bun

Recklessness comes to play
 becoming a dare to straddle the horse
   galloping away at full speed

Behind her is the castle
  her prince patiently waiting

Out here there is danger
 danger that teases at freedom

The highway man comes into view
 And what the town would say he stole
  she gave away freely

Beneath the heavy branches of an old tree
  while the horse drinks from a stream

The sky is reflected
  the moon
   a ball of white lying beneath the surface
     of shallow water that holds deeper dreams

Hopes float past
  flowing down the stream
   moving around the rocks
    rippling and gurgling
     becoming a roar as the edge appears

A tumble down the rocks
  a deeper pool

Swimming away
  becoming a butterfly
   fluttering around
    this flower or that flower

The ocean is gone
  freeing you
    giving you wings and beauty

This is forever
  near an ocean
   down a path
    in stream

Find your forever
  let the rhythm move you
   theft does not always leave you penniless

From the ashes
  the shattered glass
   the damage

From all of this strength is born
  seeking an ending
    maybe a beginning

Hang on the rapids aren't for eternity

Dance with me
 hang upon my every word
  twirl me all around

Put me high up on a pedestal
  take my offered hand

Follow me up the ladder
  across the skies

Become one with me
 let the whirlwind carry you away

Become a funnel of dust
 obscure when single
  noticeable when in groups
                                           dust
                                                 yes
                                                      dust

Olivia J Stuart 1998


  

Journey into a Soul

This was written under the name Olivia J. Stuart in late 1997. It was written after the separation, but just before the actual divorce. The dedication at the bottom reads: Dedicated to the ones that destroyed the free spirited girl that they took under their wing. It took me years to regain the confidence that I had when I met them. I am free again, and no one will ever take that from me again. This piece was revised in 2003.

Looking back through old notebooks I find myself once again.

The person that I used to be
  so full of hopes and dreams

My soul is empty
  devoid of any hope

The jewel of my existence
  long ago destroyed

Now rotting away
  each page told a story
    that only a troubled soul could tell

The stories became real
  through the eyes of the reader

I feel as if my youth has been lost
  replaced by a young adult mentality

My life took this turn
  it was after I let those pages go

Maybe my soul lies in that landfill
  each pen that I pick up
  is powered by a sheltered mind

The emotions no longer run rampant
  they are in tight control

Who is this person?
  so different from the last composer

Those pages are lost
  gone forever

Destroyed by a fervent desire to change
  but change into what I ask myself

Maybe that is why love turned away
  a true injustice was committed

Baring the soul page after page
  and grabbing it up so carelessly

Now only memories of those stories remain
  a thousand pages lost

To find my new existence
  which can only begin
     when the heart is free

To feel wild emotions again
  would be like a dream come true

I see the picture clearly
  the hallway of doom

The sound of tearing paper
  the sound of amazement
    at what the true feelings meant

Only wanting to be free
  instead it was the sound of prison walls closing in

The garbage bag was full
  a sense of relief
   or it might have been guilt

It all happened so quickly
  for to pause would have meant it stayed

In the other room people talked
  and the one that knew
    shook his head

For who can stop a determined woman?
  one who is hell bent on her mission
    why not even Hercules could!

When the journey began
  stepping out into the cold
    starting into the gaping hole

Tonight it was empty
  waiting to swallow whatever I throw in

Slowly I raise my arm
  and toss the bag into the gaping hole

It falls to the bottom almost without a sound
  this was the beginning of a new life
    or so I thought

Confusion sat in
  shaky at first
   then moving on without that lifeline

Now I know the truth
  the injustice of it all

How can you love someone
  who is not being true to themselves?

My heart was in peril
  it's lifeline smothered in garbage

Now it's time
  time to unleash all of these emotions

I need to set my heart free
  and fill these pearly white pages

Then my life can begin again
  writing is my happiness
   my only true release

To know me
  to understand me
    to love me
      is to read what I write

That is the door into my soul
  the root of my existence

September 18 2016 I tweaked a few of the lines, but other than that it is unchanged.

Unnamed

This was written sometime while I was a junior or senior working at Hardees in Dickson TN. This would be the original Hardees that was on the bypass.

I saw your face as you walked in. You were shaggy and unkempt. Your steps were slow, your shoes ragged. The clothes that you wore were dirty and torn. Thick working gloves black from frequent use.

A coat thick for cold winters in a small box overflowing with other personal belongings.

The day is scorching hot. You look lost among the other people who fill the room. The smell of food is thick and you look hungry. The restaurant is full and you find the only empty table and stare out of a window. Outside the traffic is whizzing by.

We all watch you. You are so out of place in here. Lunch hour in the middle of the rush. Drinks and burgers, and cones and shakes. You appear not to notice the other customers.

Then just as suddenly as you had arrived, you leave. You just walk out the door. We all comment on the sadness of your situation. The odd way you chose our restaurant to rest, and retreat from the heat.

When you return we offer you a glass of water. A smile crosses your tired face. The first of many homeless people to take up residence on the streets of Dickson.

The Misadventures of Muleford and Mindy

This was written over 21 years ago when I was a Junior or Senior in high school. We once had a Labrador mix puppy that literally outgrew our tiny house and yard and picked on my mom's Pomeranian dogs. This was back when I could write all the time.

 In a small house with a rather large white picket fence lives a young woman named Mindy. She's a small woman of twenty and weighs no more than eighty pounds.

Mindy has a one-hundred pound Labrador mix. The dog's name is Muleford. He is well behaved and never gives Mindy an ounce of trouble.

If you look at the two of them closely you might think they look alike. Mindy has small brown beady eyes magnified by huge glasses. She looks rather homely and frail. Muleford has large, brown probing eyes and drools gallons of saliva. To outsiders he looks like a scary dog.

One day Muleford brought his leash to Mindy, who was reading an encyclopedia. "Oh Muleford, must we go for a walk right now?" Mindy asks in a low squeaky voice. "Woof!" answered Muleford in a loud, deep bark. "Oh okay, if you insist." "Woof, Woof, Woof!" He walks up to her and she puts the book aside. "Please do not drool on me." The dog opened his big mouth and gave her a big, sloppy lick on the cheek, nearly knocking her glasses off.

Outside they proceed to get into her Volkswagen Bug. Muleford must first run around the yard peeing on the trees and flowers and the car. Then he jumps onto the front seat and tries to squeeze around so he can hang out of the window. Mindy carefully shuts the car door and Muleford sticks his head out of the already rolled down window. When she starts the car Muleford howls along with the classical music playing on the radio.

At the first stop sign, Muleford attempts to jump out the window to chase a cat. "Grrrr Grrrr, Woof, Woof!" "Muleford please calm down!" Mindy says in her quiet but firm tone of voice. The cat stops to stare at the car as it passes by. It seems unperturbed by the overgrown beast hanging from the window.

As they pull onto a busy street Muleford goes nuts. There is a lot to bark at and he gives the world outside of the car his full attention. The cars driving by and the people walking down the street all stare openly at the strange site of this huge dog hanging out the tiny car's window.

At the red light Muleford began barking at some kids in the back of a pick-up truck. The kids were laughing and pointing. "Look at the dog!" They scream in unison. Muleford continues barking and growling. A woman sitting in the back of the truck with the children tell the kids to ignore the dog and casts a wary glance his way. Finally Mindy has had a enough and tells him to calm down. He ignores her and continues barking. She continues on her way once the light changes to green.

Just then a rattle-trap of a car sped by dragging a muffler. Muleford jumped out of the window and begins chasing the car and any other car that blows the horn at him. Mindy hastily pulls over to the side of the road and jumps out. She begins frantically waving her arms and screaming "Don't hit my dog, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" Cars were swerving so they wouldn't hit him. The drivers were yelling angrily from their open windows. And then she realized that her dog was no where in site.

As she stands there in the road, she suddenly notices him on the side of the road licking a spilled milkshake. She runs over to him, grabbing his leash. "Muleford, are you okay?" She is shaking, but relieved that her dog is okay. Muleford trots across the road and stands next to the car waiting on her.

Once again they were on their way. This time Muleford could only stick his snout out of the window. There was drool all over the window. The side of the car almost looked as if someone had slung a bucket of water on the side of the car. "Muleford, sometimes I can't understand why you go on these wild trips. Really, I should not have to chase you every time you decide to run wild. "

I tweaked this just a bit, but otherwise it is just the way it was originally.

A Knife Through the Heart

With my oldest son not living in my home, it is like there is a void. I want him to fill that void, but when he tries it is like he doesn't fit anymore. Sometimes I forget that he has aged beyond 11 1/2 years old. I try to do things with him that he once loved. He gets frustrated at my weak attempts to entertain him. He yells at me that he isn't some little kid anymore. I am crushed. I know he isn't. But I have missed out on so much of his growing into this angry teenager that he now is.

Gone is my outgoing bubbly little boy. The little boy with shiny blonde hair that talked incessantly and drove me batty all while being the center of my universe. We had a lot of bad days. They started when he was born and continued right up until the day he was moved to his Dad's house. That was a tragedy all in itself. One that took months to recover from. That is where the first shaking up of my faith started.

My son doesn't feel like he fits. He yells at me that he doesn't belong. I yell back. When he comes it is constant turmoil. There is a lot of crying as he picks on the younger brother and sister. Pillows thrown into their faces, blankets thrown over them, toys put up high out of reach. Angry words telling them to move or they are stupid or ignorant.

I hear him say he hates this or that or this person or that person. I am lost. I do not know how to help him or even if he would let me. I did this. I let him go, and let him down and broke his little boy heart. I left him to follow a husband and raise two more small kids. I often live too far away. It is hard to talk to him on the phone, because his life and my life are so drastically different.

Routines that are necessary for my youngest son are the undoing of our visits with my oldest son. The quiet that I crave after a long day is gone. Trying so hard to please this stranger that comes to visit me.

I know he hates me. I know he resents me. I know his dad tries to poison his mind against me every day. I also know it is working. According to his dad, I am a recovered drug addict, was once a prostitute, I hate him, my new husband hates him, I love the younger kids more, and it goes on and on.

When my son tells me he wants to leave because I won't let him drink a gallon of milk in one setting I cringe and say lets go. He won't go, but I still offer. He hates how I try to keep him from binge eating which results in him being violently sick the rest of the night. He doesn't like it that I won't watch gore filled movies and that I monitor his video games that he brings. My rules are the worst. I am the enemy. Everything I do or say to him is wrong, except my cooking, I can do that very well for him.

I try to include him in the meal preparation. Its a good time to bond and a chance to pass on my knowledge to him. He refuses and often complies only after yelling and screaming and slamming everything around. It is not uncommon for us to have screaming matches filled with profanities the entire weekend that he is here.

All the while I am slowly dying on the inside. Pleading with God to step in to guide us to convict us to forgive us. It is unending the anger and angst and hurtful words. And then there is the racial nonsense that his dad was kind enough to drill into his head. The down talking of people with special needs. The refusal to acknowledge his little brother who has taken years to speak, instead yelling that he is a freak that needs to learn how to talk.

He tells me he drinks alcohol, I do not know if this is true, he has claimed abuse from family at his dad's house, I have no way to substantiate this. He says he doesn't have cooked meals. When I talk to his dad it is all sunshine and rainbows. Lie after lie. I know he hates me too. I know he hates my husband. I feel as if I am trapped in hell and there is no way out.

I envision fun filled weekends with laughter and good food. I get strife and racist slurs, anger, and hurt and profanity. There are no hugs and only an "I love you mom" after much resentment. I ask only for your prayers, and lots of them.


September 10 2016