As the days wind down for this adventure to end and another to begin, I realize that I am leaving a mess behind me. My heart is broken every time I hear my teenage son lash out at me in anger. Every time I see him forcefully smack his smaller brother and sister with a pillow. Name calling from stupid to idiot to racial slurs pour out of his mouth almost constantly. We yell at each other a lot. Over and over.
He says that I am an overbearing mom who has no good food to eat in the house who abandoned him and doesn't love him and thinks he is her slave.
I think he is a confused and hurt teenager. Misguided and being influenced by people who are selfish.
My heart breaks, it is broken. I know I have lost my son forever. In my heart I know that he doesn't love me. He resents the smaller kids.
All of this is my fault. I did leave him. I did drive away.
I try.
At least I think I try.
Favorite foods, clean clothes, attempts at fun activities at which I am reminded that he is no longer two.
When around others he is good as gold. The second it is us he is on the attack. The younger kids cry a lot when he is around. I feel like dying a lot when he is around.
I feel like I should die for ruining his life, causing him to hate me and the younger two. I do not know how to correct the wrong.
He won't let me near him, there are no hugs only empty words.
I know he was once my bubbly little boy but now he is an angry ball of emotion.
For many years I hated my own mom. I feel like this is karma for the way I felt for my mom. But I don't think the younger two should feel so much hate flowing from his heart and anguish from mine. They are caught between us.
My Dad says I should not let my oldest visit. He is right. I shouldn't. But I don't want to not visit him. I keep brining him over hoping and praying that this time will be different and it never is.
My heart is shattered. His heart is as well
Can we move past this? Will it always be this way between us?
Lord help us all.
I want my boy to love me again.
No comments:
Post a Comment