Chronicals of a not so Ordinary Mom: Day 1

Monday, as if that is not bad enough, this one happens to be a three day weekend for my husband.

Of course our schedules say we will be up, dressed, beds made and breakfast done and over by 8:30 a.m.

That did not happen. I woke up closer to 9 the husband after me. We got everyone fed, and we started strong on school work, well for one kid. She made great progress on one worksheet. Somehow in all the time we spent looking over her school work, figuring out Google Classroom, and eating lunch, it was nearly go time for an appointment.

I am not quite sure what to make of Google Classroom. Yes, it is quite fascinating. I can see how it will be an added bonus. I cannot see how it fits neatly into my poster board schedule.

I will embrace the crazy of this. I will try not cry each time I open one of the three folders I received from my daughter's school.

I promise on this day I only lost my skittles twice. Once was during breakfast when I was asking my son questions. I think I speak a different language than a 10 year old does, because he could not understand anything I asked. "How do you log in at school?" "Does it look like this?" "So and So said they are already working on something where is yours?" Bet you can't guess the answer that I received..... "I don't know" Ha ha you did guess it!.

The second time it was the second grade common core that got me. I see a lot of confusion when I look at the math folder. I also asked my second grader questions and she was even more confused than my son. I started to loose it. My husband stepped in and said "Don't worry guys, we all know mommy is a little crazy, don't let her scare you" He also told the dogs that he was sorry I was so scary.

I ended up in the bathroom almost in tears because I know my limits. I know I have a low tolerance for what I deem bull crap. I like to see results, I get impatient. I struggle to explain myself multiple times. Tears and I am done. I am thinking of all of the things I will need to be doing. Will there be time for me? Yes, I am so selfish!

Our appointment was a bit of a waste of time. My son will need some work done on his feet, but no surgeries can be scheduled right now. We did learn from his X Rays that he is full of poop and gas. Then we went in search of food.

Food at restaurants is only take out now. We found a taco shop in a Mexican Grocery. And wouldn't you know there was not bread or cleaning supplies to be found there either. Since we were an hour from home, we took the tacos out to our minivan, cranked up the heat and turned on the DVD player. The kids thought this was super fun. Mom and Dad thought it was okay.

It was disheartening for me. I was also deeply saddened to see all of the restaurants that are normally busy at 5pm empty. I was thinking of all the people who are going home early from these jobs, or who may not have a job until this madness ends. I was thinking of the economy. I prayed hard for all those affected by this world wide.

Stay Tuned for Tuesday's adventure!

Chronicals of a Not So Ordinary Mom: Quarintine

Let's go back a few days, a weekend's worth of days. The setting is Friday March 13, 2020.

We have all been watching the news, the ever spreading panic of the dreaded Covid-19. Toilet paper, cleaning products, and now groceries are becoming scarce. Pictures emerge of the craziness in each of the stores Around The Nation, sorry, the World.

It's bad

Most people will agree on that, but I am not here to debate how bad or over-hyped. I am here to share my daily struggles as I begin to deal with a temporary new normal.

On that normal Friday, kids are home and I am pretending the news is not blowing up with which state has cancelled school. I am pretending that I did not visit three stores only to find no toilet paper outside of the one package of 12 that I scored. I got my water, I got my food, but I did not buy stuff to feed my kids at home for an indefinite amount of time.

And FB blows up. Denial. It does not work. Emails rolling in. We Have NO SCHOOL. NONE for three weeks! THREE WEEKS! And just like that I become the home school mom I never wanted to be. The schools will send lessons home via the internet.

I slowly begin to freak out. Ever so slowly.

By Sunday reality is sinking in. I want to cry. I want to scream. I really want my husband to hug me and tell me it is a horrible dream. He does not do that. Instead he tells me to get a grip. Well not like that, more gently, but still.

I have been blessed with an amazing teacher for my second grader. She agreed to meet us on the military installation that we live on and (kids go to school on) and bring the lessons. She went all out. So organized and laminated work guides. I mean as I stood there listening to her explain what we were looking out I felt the fear sink in. I knew in that moment that I am not cut out for this next adventure.

My Amazing husband helped me work out schedules for the kids. They are realistic. They are within my range of capabilities.

Christmas Spirit

Through the PTO I found my Christmas Spirit. I spent much of November and December at the Intermediate School and the Elementary schools that my kids attend.

I watched the kids, the teachers, fellow volunteer moms come in smiling and wearing their Christmas gear. Slowly my mind, then my heart opened up to the idea of actually enjoying Christmas.

This was amazing for me. Previous years I had struggled to muddle through the holiday season. The baking a chore, the decorating pure torture. But this year was different. I wanted to participate. I wanted to dress the part.

I admit, it took a little convincing for me to get my Christmas Tree up before Thanksgiving. And I did, the Monday before we left to travel home for the holiday. I pulled it out of the box only after setting my playlist to Christmas songs. I was in my zone. Then momentary tragedy struck as I was unable to figure out how to get my pre-lit tree to light up. Over an hour later when I am near to tears and ranting on fb, my husband comes home. For him it had been a long day, but still he pulled that tree apart studying each part, and looking over the box. Finally he asks me where the rest of the lights were and through that patience, we figured out that the lights were indeed there, just in the other box.

The next day I began again, a fresh start, well intent on success through my playlist. My kids were eager to join in and we made it happen.

I was quite impressed with my tree. I was actually happy with it. Something I did not feel in 2017 or 2018. Two years! It had really been 2 years since I was happy with my Christmas tree.

As the weeks passed by, I would just sit and stare at my tree and feel tranquil. I even bought a Christmas T shirt, a first for me in a long time. I added a few new ornaments and decorations to my collection.

Now that it is time to roll into the new year, I am ready. My ornaments are all packed away. I organized them according to color. I took great care to pack them up well. While doing this, I realized that this was the first year in awhile that I actually cared how they were packed up. My wonderful husband even agreed to let me buy a second tree, and finally I will have my long dreamed of white Christmas tree. I even purchased four sets of brand new shatter proof ornaments. I find myself ready for the new year, and ready to decorate my two trees.

I have also discovered a new passion of collecting red birds. My husband even commented on this odd new obsession when we at the local big box store and I am trying to hurriedly scan two red bird ornaments that were not on the grocery list. I am sure this is due to my own mother's love of ceramic red birds and my desire to keep her memory close as the years roll on without her.

Happy New Year Everyone!

in memory of Carol L Smithson Rhodes (my dearly departed mom)

Wasted Day

Bright sunshine filtering through closed blinds

The hour is not so early and the mood not so bleak

Climbing out of the bed, leaving the other to stare at a phone

Breakfast cooked first for kids, and still he is a no show.

Checking in, cutting hair, be there soon

The chosen playlist was not a good one,
 not one for cheer but rather introspect.

Early January is not the time to let the flood gate of memories open

This will invite past regrets, words unspoken, broken pride, and self destruction

For always there has been a dark side, pushing against the light that insists in shining

The demons of hell forever baying in the distance, they are waiting for me, and one day they will take me as my resistance to them only weakens with time

I lost her.

I nor her tried harder to mend broken hearts and speak unspoken words.

An uneasy truce based on forgiveness had slowly grown when she left my sister and I behind. I was trying to find a way to reach her. To find the occasional happiness we once shared.

I know I didn't try hard enough to bridge the gap, or attempt to repair that which was broken

And now here I am

Unhappy and bristling at every word spoken by my spouse

I hear only criticism. Maybe his words aren't so harsh as they seem

Today I felt as if I was a big assed bird as my mother used to call me.

I also felt the urge to smash everything that I touched. I wanted to burn everyone around me with words of fire fueled by anger.

I wanted to throw away the plants I love, forget the essential oils I depend upon for calm. Needless to say today they were not sought for the calm

I managed to sour a husbands mood, frighten kids and a dog and still I wanted to destroy everything in my path.

I said all that I did not mean

I rage cleaned.

And that Christmas tree came down. Not as gently as it probably should have, but my sweet daughter intervened and through her questions and commentary I momentarily calmed.

That tree was a sore point for me. I loved looking at it's full branches, seeking out those that belonged to her. The twinkling lights. But time moves forward and Christmas is past as is New Years. And so we move ever so quickly to the anniversary of her passing, which happens to coincide with the time I drop my son off at a 5 month school.

My heart is twisting in grief for her and worry for him. Regret for both and the inability to grasp the good for the churning of the emotions. I am lost without support from the one I share a bed with. According to him I have no reason to be depressed, which I am, or have anxiety.

I listen to him speak and at times it is like nails upon a chalkboard. I know he means well. I know that I would be lost without him. His steady calming presence most of the time. But I think my wild emotions and blazing moments of rage either confuse or scare him, but more likely annoy the hell out of him.

When I look in the mirror I see a body going soft and a weary looking face. Some days are good and I feel like I am a force to be reckoned with, but lately all that I hear is my mother's call "you ain't nothing but a big assed bird" Why am I hearing this over and over? And while I am struggling with the voice ringing in my ears, I hear the call to the kitchen. I often loath the role of a cook, but cook I must and I think on this day I did it, but not well. At least it was better than the burned tacos the night before.

I am so very lost. I want to be there for my son, yet that isn't as much of an option since my spouse and him don't always get along. I try to be a mediator, but it leaves me exhausted. I cannot always be everyone's champion.

A very long walk today after cleaning the house and taking down the Christmas Tree. I envisioned walking away. I had not phone nor ID on me. I could just vanish. That seemed like such a great option. Instead I forced myself to just walk to attempt to walk away the rage. It didn't help much.

Back at home I fell asleep sitting up on the couch. At 6pm I spoke to my husband for the first time in three hours. I am lucky he offered an olive branch. I think by morning all will be well, I hope so anyway.

Be still my wild emotions, give me calm and let there be peace in this house that I tried so hard to destroy today.


January 5, 2019 11:04pm EST

Christmas Wish

Wasted

Time is gone

Forever wasted on silence

empty words formed inside of the mind and never spoken

Not trying hard enough to bridge the gap

Or to mend the wounds

Fear hurt buried anger

And then it was OVER

DONE

Without a chance to properly say goodbye

Without a last hug or grasping of the hand

I was not there

I did not see

I did not get CLOSURE

Hurt

Lost

Confused

Struggling at times to come to terms with what 41 years meant to her and now to me without her

I have so much I want to tell her

Yet I cannot

DEATH IS FINAL

it really is

I look at her ornaments on my tree

I see her decorations sitting out on her entertainment center and bookshelf

I no longer want to sit in her chair

I long to cry

But the tears will not come

I miss her

I do not know why as my husband likes to point out that we were not close

I want her to see my kids to know my oldest is being a brat but doing well

I would love to go back in time

To make her more of a priority than I did

To forgive sooner To love more

Last year with in laws in and a ball and perceived chaos I pushed her to the back burner. I did get her the picture she asked for, but when it came to her Christmas present I was extremely late. She never saw it. The gift did arrive at her house, but it was too late for her and for me to get the closure I so desperately need. She is GONE

Now I am a lost daughter without a mother who continues to get even more lost because I do not have her there. I guess somewhere along the way the idea of her being gone never truly crossed my mind, not until it was too late.

ONE YEAR

It goes so fast yet so slow

I am sorry Mom for being the not so great daughter who could have tried harder, yet did not


December 16,2018

Dedicated to my Mom Carol Smithson

The Point of Change

Delighted that finally he would be in my home.

Hopeful that catching up would be a possibility.

Ready to help him achieve any dreams he may want to chase.

On July 16 2018, reality came to my house.

The skies began to cloud over as I knew surely change was coming to our peaceful oblivion.

Two weeks it was not so bad. The tension was sending down roots in order to withstand the onslaught.

And then it began.

Hell was unleashed upon my youngest and myself.

We watched as my oldest turned into a being that we did not know.

Anger and resentment, could that also be hate, oozed from his entire being.

We could do nothing right. There were no smiles for us.

The words were not soothing. They were meant to provoke.

All that I suggested was torn down as a stupid idea. Too complicated. Too much work.

Yelling that yes he is stupid, just like his Dad.

For sure that all hope for him was lost even as I pleaded for him to listen, to try.

Husband and middle child returning did little to subdue the darkness that was beginning to envelop us.

There was no calm unless the oldest was absent.

My heart was crumbling. My husband was trying to be there for my oldest, for me.

We all felt the heaviness, the negative feelings put out by my oldest.

I tried to fix what was long ago broken, but it is true, what has smashed cannot be put back together without flaws.

I thought my love would be enough, but it was not nearly enough.

And then one day we found out that there was a possibility.

We began to work toward that possibility. And a slight glimmer of hope emerged.

As the information came in the reality formed that the oldest would have to return to the South.

Then one day he did migrate South.

The heaviness and the darkness were gone.

It took the rest of us an entire weekend to recover. To come back close to the normal we once had. But the old normal was gone, replaced by this new strangeness. The knowledge that my oldest was determined to break me and I would have to choose if this was going to happen.

To be continued.....

November 19, 2018

Settling In

Recently I moved.

The weeks leading up to the move were challenging for me. I packed all of my mother's knick knacks along with my Grandmother's carnival glass into a plastic tote. When my Dad came to visit I sent them back with him. I was happy to know that these belongings would safely make the move.

All during the chaos of saying "see ya laters" watching my oldest son prepare to move out of my home, and getting things ready, I wanted to call my mom.

Some days the urge was so strong I had to fight it off. I wanted to drink, but I knew that would solve nothing. I wanted to cry, but really scream at the sky. I made it through most of the year without the urge to call her. Now in the midst of it all I felt her loss.

I retrieved my plastic tote, brought it into my new home and placed it in a safe space.

Once arriving, once my furniture arrived, I felt worse.

Two pieces of my mom's furniture were damaged. Thankfully not beyond repair. But I felt sucker punched. I wanted to scream at the unloading team. I wanted to make them understand that this wasn't just a shelf or entertainment center. This was my mother's. My mother who took such good care of them, and then I get them and they break. Throughout the remainder of the day I felt the tears threating to fall. I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me.

My wonderful husband was able to drill the legs back onto the entertainment center. The shelf has a crack, it won't survive another move, but for now it works.

Once the entire house was set up, I pulled my plastic bin out of it's safe place.

I sat in the floor and unwrapped each piece one by one.

Behind me I could feel my mother. I could feel her looking on, observing, waiting.

I set up her shelf with most of my books.

Then with great care I set up her knick knacks. Each time I look into the entry way and see the shelf, I can feel her approval. I know she would be pleased with at least this one thing.

All the other things that I need to tell her, well, I'm not sure how that will work out. I feel lost. I know the holidays are upon us. I know that she won't be there to call. I will push past the urge to eat my feelings. To sit in her recliner and watch sad Christmas movies while I eat my favorite ice cream a pint at a time.

All will be well in due time

November 7 2018