Hard year, from March to June.
Normalcy gone.
Relax, but not true relax.
Friendship, slowly, mixed with children's laughter.
Late nights, bonfires, talking, talking, talking.
What happened?
Where did I go and how did I end up here?
In this place of deep regret tinged with deep embarrassment and a loss of a brief moment in time.
I am an adult.
I am
What? What am I?
Saved? Should be
Swear like a sailor, like I am uneducated, covered.
The f bomb always ready to drop
Cultured? Wasn't I?
Sweet, I was.
Anger welling up inside of me, like a red hot wave of lava
I must live with my decisions.
I must live with what I did.
Remorse? yes, a tiny bit so, possibly not so much as I should have though
Darkness? yes, the light inside of me is getting harder to see
Where can I find myself? Church? Haven't been in months
Bible's by my bed, read them, probably not.
I am truly lost and I
I don't know what to do or where to go from here.
Continue to grow is all that I can do
Thursday, June 25, 2020
Saturday, June 6, 2020
The Chronicals of a Not So Ordinary Mom: Unfriended
Unfriended, that should not be, but can be a powerful word. You tell yourself that it doesn't really matter, but then it happens to you and it does matter. Then you tell yourself you are being silly, but you feel this sick feeling deep inside.
I was unfriended. Honestly it should not have been a surprise, but it was, and it did hurt, deeply.
The elementary PTO came to an end with a social distancing transition meeting. I was excited to see my current board mates and the incoming board. I was excited to share my experiences and to suggest a few changes. The former VP had asked if anyone would be wearing a mask, I said that I would, but I didn't unless I was talking directly to her during the meeting. While at the meeting I happened to notice that the VP had sent a message to me saying she would sit next to me during the meeting because I would wear a mask. I felt horrible. I had let her down. After the meeting I sent her a message letting her know that I admired her for sticking to her beliefs. She had worn her mask all during the meeting. I also let her know that I valued her opinion. I already had this feeling that this woman that I admire and think of as a friend, was thinking I was wishy washy and not good at keeping my word. This haunted me all the next day after the meeting.
Upon arrival, I was gifted a beautiful tumbler with my name on it, one that has since become a petty sticking point sitting on my counter. I had forgotten my camp chair and therefore pulled a reusable bag from my van to sit on. I had my mask with me and my suggestion list. The air was cooling down from unbearable humid and the distant sound of children playing and passing cars filled the empty silence as we waited in the church parking lot for everyone to arrive.
For many months now I had sensed a shift in my relationship with the current President. It started so simply when I found out about Drama Club at the school. I was confused how she didn't mention why my daughter wasn't signed up as our daughters were somewhat friends. It had seemed like an oversight and almost intentional. I got the information contact and was able to add my daughter to the club, but almost from that moment way back in the early months of the year, it had felt like we were beginning to walk separate paths. And really that is normal. People grow and change and it is nothing to be sad about, it is part of our personal growth.
At one point I had been at a school board meeting where it was brought up that our elementary school had a lot of outstanding lunch debt. This is one of my issues that I hold close to my heart. I do not believe any kid, despite family income, should have to pay for lunch or breakfast. I brought it up to the President and when it shifted from my inquiry how can we help, to her answer "Well I bet that is all of the E9s who are lazy and don't want to pay" I know I became defensive when I answered, because I really don't believe that to be the case. I live in a neighborhood designated for the lower ranks. It became a tad heated as I voiced my concerns and even my own experience. You see there was once a time my oldest did not have lunch money. As a single mom I worked and I did not qualify for the free lunch program. When I got married and added a child I really did not qualify. There were many times my son had no lunch money. The school he went to, they were strict on the "no money, no food" rule. He would be given bread with peanut butter or the principle would buy his lunch that day and send home a note about how she had to pay for him to eat and blah blah. The irony of the situation was that his school was like this one, it was sitting in the middle of a wealthy neighborhood, and it was a small school, so they knew our situation, but they did not reach out with compassion. Instead they ignored or ridiculed or said non helpful things like "why don't you apply for free lunch?"
Anyway, I know this moment was a for sure turning point. It was the moment I found my voice. It was the moment I realized that I am able to vocalize and to stand my ground for my beliefs. Our last in person meeting also had a moment where I stood my ground for what I believe. I stand with the underdog. I stand with those who do not have the means to provide what their families need. I stand with those who are not popular. After the meeting the Secretary reached out and said that I had been passionate and that she had never seen me like that. My voice had been heard, but it obviously put another crack in the one friendship.
So the transition meeting commences and I listen to the President spinning herself in this easy going easy to work with light. In a way that I know was not always the reality. I listened to her cut off the VP that she had often clashed with. I heard her say she had taken the suggestion from the Secretary that I know she completely blew off. I am sitting there in disbelief and wondering what my fellow board mates are thinking and how the new board is interpreting her words. Only one of us from the current board will be on the board next year. She is a sweet lady, but one I have never fully trusted as instinct says she only agrees with the one she is currently engaging with. I know she is good friends with the President and I have zero issues with this. But I have also talked with her and heard her passion and her great ideas, only to arrive at meetings and hear her say "You know M and I have already talked about this and this is what we think" Because her And M they always talk and make decisions and then at meetings it is "Should I go ahead and mention that or wait?" It was almost like they had meetings before meetings to align themselves before they brought it up with the rest of the board. At those meetings I would be looking at the other two and wondering if they too thought they had missed something. Again I digress.
When the subject of our Spirit Wear fundraiser is brought up, I add my suggestions of inclusivity. I knew this was not a popular thing for the President. But this goes back to my first month with kids at the school. We arrived in late October. My kids started school that last week. They missed picture day at this school and the ones they left. So anyway, my kids come home talking about not getting a spirit prize. I am confused about this and as I am going to a Popcorn Friday, I bring this up at the event. The girl I spoke to explained to me that you must have current year school shirt to get a prize and they were not sure yet if they would do a second order. So I was immediately confused and asked how could my kids participate because, well we were new here. There were no shirts left in their size, so they could wear blue on those days and get a prize. I mentioned that I thought it was kind of like a money scheme, which did not gain me much grace with this girl. That is when the idea blossomed that I would like to be on the board. That I would like to make this my cause. No kid should be left out. Fast forward to becoming a board member and having inclusivity shot down once again. That and the fact that no one wanted to have volunteers be able to log volunteer hours into the Army's VMIS system, those became two sticking points. Well, to be honest, more like bug bites that you can't quit scratching. I did not like Spirit Friday's just for the fact that I now knew that some of these families were moving, had just moved here, or had multiple kids. Each time I broached the subject I was met with "Well, that is not our problem, or they can wear blue on spirit goes blue, or we can't give shirts to everyone, or this is our main fundraiser" It was frustrating to say the least. So I am sure that over the course of the school year, she had gotten tired of me.
I did get the VMIS to become a thing, but again this was through a lot of persuasiveness. The argument that if you volunteer with the PTO and want to log hours means that you are only in it for an award did not sit well with me. I knew the inner workings and how this could benefit someone for a job resume or for a school age kid to accrue much needed hours. And then one day, she caved and said you set it up you can do it. You know what?, I did, and it was a success. Within just a month many of our volunteers began to log hours. I mingled and brought this up to as many volunteers as I could, and always letting them know it was optional.
See the reason I was unfriended did not just happen, it happened over the course of a school year.
At the meeting my suggestion was met with much agreement on the incoming board. The incoming Treasurer even mentioned that with the current state of the economy many more parents might not be able to afford the extra costs this coming school year.
I also stressed the importance of mingling. I know this is not a strong point of everyone. For myself and for the former VP, this was something we did well. Our former president did know everyone's name and knew which kids belonged to which parent. That was such a strong point, and one that I never failed to admire. But things didn't go so well after our former VP began speaking. She would be laying out what she found worked, the summer playdates she set up, or something else and the former President would cut her off. I would elaborate on something the VP said. I even brought up her wonderful teacher birthday recognition that she was in charge of. I guess all of my elaboration and saying the VP this or that, was hurtful and not intentional, but should have been handled differently. You would think that I as the oldest person there, could have managed to not hurt someone's feelings so badly. But was I the only one in the wrong?
By the end of the meeting it was late and I felt positive. I felt like the new board was ready and the current board was ready for new adventures. I walked away with a beautiful cup in my hand. The former president asked about how my son was healing from a procedure he had recently, we talked about the barber we had both used for our sons, and it felt like there was something missing. I got in my van and drove home.
Thursday I pull myself out of bed and see I have a message from the former VP. What? you were unfriended? You noticed that I was and also the former Secretary. It was true. I was actually unfriended by two people, two former PTO Presidents. I messaged M and she said that I hurt her feelings. I had started out with "I am sorry if I offended you" I apologized for hurting her feelings and I listened to her response on how my words at the meeting made her feel like she had done a terrible job. I then told her all the qualities that she had that I truly admired and that watching her in that role, showed me that I am not ready to be a president yet, most likely not even a vp. I told her it was a great thing being part of the board with her. I also told her that her friendship had mattered to me more than that board. I felt so low all that day, and here I am on a Saturday, still feeling low. I also have a beautiful tumbler with my name on it that I will most likely never use. I just cannot look at it without seeing that blue button "Add Friend"
I don't know why this matters to me so much. I will be moving soon. I just know that two ladies that I thought really cared about me as a friend, unfriended me because I had a different opinion. One of them had even reached out to ask if I was okay, and I thought to myself "wow she really cares, how very sweet" But words are just words. It is now up to me how I interpret this situation and grow from this situation. It is up to me, to remain cordial in public and to carry on in a positive way. I admit I was wrong by not handling the meeting in a better way, but I really think this started months ago and that on a deeper level we were probably more acquaintances than friends. Everyone has stuff they deal with on a personal level and how they present that or use it to shape their beliefs, is part of their story. It is up to each of us to respect their journey and to listen to their beliefs without judgment.
May you be the very best you.
I was unfriended. Honestly it should not have been a surprise, but it was, and it did hurt, deeply.
The elementary PTO came to an end with a social distancing transition meeting. I was excited to see my current board mates and the incoming board. I was excited to share my experiences and to suggest a few changes. The former VP had asked if anyone would be wearing a mask, I said that I would, but I didn't unless I was talking directly to her during the meeting. While at the meeting I happened to notice that the VP had sent a message to me saying she would sit next to me during the meeting because I would wear a mask. I felt horrible. I had let her down. After the meeting I sent her a message letting her know that I admired her for sticking to her beliefs. She had worn her mask all during the meeting. I also let her know that I valued her opinion. I already had this feeling that this woman that I admire and think of as a friend, was thinking I was wishy washy and not good at keeping my word. This haunted me all the next day after the meeting.
Upon arrival, I was gifted a beautiful tumbler with my name on it, one that has since become a petty sticking point sitting on my counter. I had forgotten my camp chair and therefore pulled a reusable bag from my van to sit on. I had my mask with me and my suggestion list. The air was cooling down from unbearable humid and the distant sound of children playing and passing cars filled the empty silence as we waited in the church parking lot for everyone to arrive.
For many months now I had sensed a shift in my relationship with the current President. It started so simply when I found out about Drama Club at the school. I was confused how she didn't mention why my daughter wasn't signed up as our daughters were somewhat friends. It had seemed like an oversight and almost intentional. I got the information contact and was able to add my daughter to the club, but almost from that moment way back in the early months of the year, it had felt like we were beginning to walk separate paths. And really that is normal. People grow and change and it is nothing to be sad about, it is part of our personal growth.
At one point I had been at a school board meeting where it was brought up that our elementary school had a lot of outstanding lunch debt. This is one of my issues that I hold close to my heart. I do not believe any kid, despite family income, should have to pay for lunch or breakfast. I brought it up to the President and when it shifted from my inquiry how can we help, to her answer "Well I bet that is all of the E9s who are lazy and don't want to pay" I know I became defensive when I answered, because I really don't believe that to be the case. I live in a neighborhood designated for the lower ranks. It became a tad heated as I voiced my concerns and even my own experience. You see there was once a time my oldest did not have lunch money. As a single mom I worked and I did not qualify for the free lunch program. When I got married and added a child I really did not qualify. There were many times my son had no lunch money. The school he went to, they were strict on the "no money, no food" rule. He would be given bread with peanut butter or the principle would buy his lunch that day and send home a note about how she had to pay for him to eat and blah blah. The irony of the situation was that his school was like this one, it was sitting in the middle of a wealthy neighborhood, and it was a small school, so they knew our situation, but they did not reach out with compassion. Instead they ignored or ridiculed or said non helpful things like "why don't you apply for free lunch?"
Anyway, I know this moment was a for sure turning point. It was the moment I found my voice. It was the moment I realized that I am able to vocalize and to stand my ground for my beliefs. Our last in person meeting also had a moment where I stood my ground for what I believe. I stand with the underdog. I stand with those who do not have the means to provide what their families need. I stand with those who are not popular. After the meeting the Secretary reached out and said that I had been passionate and that she had never seen me like that. My voice had been heard, but it obviously put another crack in the one friendship.
So the transition meeting commences and I listen to the President spinning herself in this easy going easy to work with light. In a way that I know was not always the reality. I listened to her cut off the VP that she had often clashed with. I heard her say she had taken the suggestion from the Secretary that I know she completely blew off. I am sitting there in disbelief and wondering what my fellow board mates are thinking and how the new board is interpreting her words. Only one of us from the current board will be on the board next year. She is a sweet lady, but one I have never fully trusted as instinct says she only agrees with the one she is currently engaging with. I know she is good friends with the President and I have zero issues with this. But I have also talked with her and heard her passion and her great ideas, only to arrive at meetings and hear her say "You know M and I have already talked about this and this is what we think" Because her And M they always talk and make decisions and then at meetings it is "Should I go ahead and mention that or wait?" It was almost like they had meetings before meetings to align themselves before they brought it up with the rest of the board. At those meetings I would be looking at the other two and wondering if they too thought they had missed something. Again I digress.
When the subject of our Spirit Wear fundraiser is brought up, I add my suggestions of inclusivity. I knew this was not a popular thing for the President. But this goes back to my first month with kids at the school. We arrived in late October. My kids started school that last week. They missed picture day at this school and the ones they left. So anyway, my kids come home talking about not getting a spirit prize. I am confused about this and as I am going to a Popcorn Friday, I bring this up at the event. The girl I spoke to explained to me that you must have current year school shirt to get a prize and they were not sure yet if they would do a second order. So I was immediately confused and asked how could my kids participate because, well we were new here. There were no shirts left in their size, so they could wear blue on those days and get a prize. I mentioned that I thought it was kind of like a money scheme, which did not gain me much grace with this girl. That is when the idea blossomed that I would like to be on the board. That I would like to make this my cause. No kid should be left out. Fast forward to becoming a board member and having inclusivity shot down once again. That and the fact that no one wanted to have volunteers be able to log volunteer hours into the Army's VMIS system, those became two sticking points. Well, to be honest, more like bug bites that you can't quit scratching. I did not like Spirit Friday's just for the fact that I now knew that some of these families were moving, had just moved here, or had multiple kids. Each time I broached the subject I was met with "Well, that is not our problem, or they can wear blue on spirit goes blue, or we can't give shirts to everyone, or this is our main fundraiser" It was frustrating to say the least. So I am sure that over the course of the school year, she had gotten tired of me.
I did get the VMIS to become a thing, but again this was through a lot of persuasiveness. The argument that if you volunteer with the PTO and want to log hours means that you are only in it for an award did not sit well with me. I knew the inner workings and how this could benefit someone for a job resume or for a school age kid to accrue much needed hours. And then one day, she caved and said you set it up you can do it. You know what?, I did, and it was a success. Within just a month many of our volunteers began to log hours. I mingled and brought this up to as many volunteers as I could, and always letting them know it was optional.
See the reason I was unfriended did not just happen, it happened over the course of a school year.
At the meeting my suggestion was met with much agreement on the incoming board. The incoming Treasurer even mentioned that with the current state of the economy many more parents might not be able to afford the extra costs this coming school year.
I also stressed the importance of mingling. I know this is not a strong point of everyone. For myself and for the former VP, this was something we did well. Our former president did know everyone's name and knew which kids belonged to which parent. That was such a strong point, and one that I never failed to admire. But things didn't go so well after our former VP began speaking. She would be laying out what she found worked, the summer playdates she set up, or something else and the former President would cut her off. I would elaborate on something the VP said. I even brought up her wonderful teacher birthday recognition that she was in charge of. I guess all of my elaboration and saying the VP this or that, was hurtful and not intentional, but should have been handled differently. You would think that I as the oldest person there, could have managed to not hurt someone's feelings so badly. But was I the only one in the wrong?
By the end of the meeting it was late and I felt positive. I felt like the new board was ready and the current board was ready for new adventures. I walked away with a beautiful cup in my hand. The former president asked about how my son was healing from a procedure he had recently, we talked about the barber we had both used for our sons, and it felt like there was something missing. I got in my van and drove home.
Thursday I pull myself out of bed and see I have a message from the former VP. What? you were unfriended? You noticed that I was and also the former Secretary. It was true. I was actually unfriended by two people, two former PTO Presidents. I messaged M and she said that I hurt her feelings. I had started out with "I am sorry if I offended you" I apologized for hurting her feelings and I listened to her response on how my words at the meeting made her feel like she had done a terrible job. I then told her all the qualities that she had that I truly admired and that watching her in that role, showed me that I am not ready to be a president yet, most likely not even a vp. I told her it was a great thing being part of the board with her. I also told her that her friendship had mattered to me more than that board. I felt so low all that day, and here I am on a Saturday, still feeling low. I also have a beautiful tumbler with my name on it that I will most likely never use. I just cannot look at it without seeing that blue button "Add Friend"
I don't know why this matters to me so much. I will be moving soon. I just know that two ladies that I thought really cared about me as a friend, unfriended me because I had a different opinion. One of them had even reached out to ask if I was okay, and I thought to myself "wow she really cares, how very sweet" But words are just words. It is now up to me how I interpret this situation and grow from this situation. It is up to me, to remain cordial in public and to carry on in a positive way. I admit I was wrong by not handling the meeting in a better way, but I really think this started months ago and that on a deeper level we were probably more acquaintances than friends. Everyone has stuff they deal with on a personal level and how they present that or use it to shape their beliefs, is part of their story. It is up to each of us to respect their journey and to listen to their beliefs without judgment.
May you be the very best you.
Friday, May 15, 2020
The Chronicals of a Not so Ordinary Mom: Two Months Later
Here we are, Friday the 15th of May. The day it all changed for me was Friday the 13th of March. That was the last day I hosted a get together inside of my house. There was pizza that night. Pizza and ceviche. No pizza was consumed by my family until the very first week of May.
May, it came so fast, but so slowly. Saturday May 2, my husband and I accepted an invite to eat at our neighbors. It was a cookout!!! Like before all the craziness. We ate salsa, we ate grilled Chicken. Oh we laughed! It felt so good, so normal. Just two families sitting on the back patio with the grill going and great food. Conversation, and wine. At 4:30 a.m. I woke up in my bed, dry eyes, the room spinning. I struggled up to go to the bathroom and realized I was fully dressed, had no idea how I walked that short distance home, and my contacts were in. I pulled my contacts out and tossed them into the trash. I almost crawled back to my bed. I woke up two more times, and two more times I thought I was dying. Finally at 8, I retreated to the cooler living room and sat on the couch. As I am looking at my FB, I realize that I missed the loud music and the fireworks. My husband finally makes an appearance and explains to me that at 10pm, I nearly passed out, so he brought me home and went back to the barbeque. He said that our son was home with me and our daughter was living every kid's dream dancing in the firelight and roasting marsh mellows until 1am. when he brought her home. He also heard the fireworks and our attached neighbor was playing the loud music. He also planned a small get together for our son's upcoming birthday.
I spent much of that day recovering and listening to my husband pick on me for drinking two bottles of wine. I truly felt like poo. We sat down and made a plan for this get together. Two families would be invited. Each from our little dead end street. We would have a small piñata. We would serve burgers, hot dogs, and ceviche. I would make desserts, our awesome neighbor would make the cake. The weather turned cold. There was rain. The rain stopped the night before the birthday celebration. The day of was cool, but we were cooking out at 2. Our attached neighbor loaned us their big grill. We borrowed a table and chairs from our neighbor. We did not maintain social distance. The entire celebration was outside. The food was served inside. When it came time for cake, we cut my son's slice and placed the candles on it for him to blow out. It was right on the line of an appropriate celebration. What is normal now? Is this to be the reality? My son's biggest wish next to getting a computer, was to go to Tennessee to celebrate with our families. This could not happen, so we found a happy medium. My son really wanted this special girl that he has been chatting with multiple times a day online to come. I had to call her mom and explain that I could not invite her though I really wanted to. It was so awkward. Anyone who knows me, will know that I am game for all the friends to come and celebrate, but it could not be that way this year. We celebrated late into the night and then came inside and fell into an exhausted heap on the couch. Clean up took place the next day.
Yay! Online school has come to a close. We finished good, I won't say it was a strong finish. The kids and I were done. It was so hard to wake up each day and get going and then stay on task. I felt let down that we never got to go back. It was hard to do a grab and go for belongings. I met with each of the two PTOs and we tied up loose ends. One more meeting and I will no longer be on any PTO board. I am so sad by this. I love being a part of something bigger than I am .
I feel a closer connection to the families on my little dead end street than I do for most of the people I have known the entire time I have been here. As I was driving through a neighborhood doing and auction pick up, it dawned on me that new friendships have been forged. Those that we turned to during this time will be our new rock walls to lean on. Going through this was in some ways harder than facing a deployment or extended field exercise. I miss my life before this. I miss getting up and having a place to be and time to be there. I have worn mascara three times and done my full make up twice. I wear leggings daily, which is mostly normal. I have bought a lot of shoes, shoes that I am sure I won't be wearing anytime soon. Netflix and Hulu show me the outside world as if in a dream. I am not who I was before and I am sure I am not the only one whose very existence has been altered by all of this.
Things are opening up slowly. Some states you can actually eat inside of a restaurant and shop in stores. I do not know how I feel about all of this. Cautious, but also unsure of how to proceed. At which point do I admit that I was a sheep, or was I a sheep? Have I acted out of my own free will or because the Government and the media have directed my actions? What to believe? How can you really know for sure which side is right? Why does there have to be only two ways it can go? I know that I am not fully comfortable returning to normal. I know that the idea of my family moving who knows where this fall terrifies me. I am trying to think positively about going back to school. I mean, I want my kids to go back, but is it the right way for things to move forward? I think that the time for big change is upon us. I told my kids daily pay attention, learn how to use these programs, this is your future. I think that those younger than me, those who have always welcomed more chances to do things online are finally getting their dream come true. Will anyone know how to properly greet people in person? Will they all become socially distant and there be no more community gatherings? What happens to church in a building? I am so confuse about the entire thing. Unlike my husband, I tend to shy away from the media. I don't want to listen to the media picking apart everything that the POTUS says. I mean, he constantly talks to them and says and does things that will only add fuel to the fires. I am tired of conspiracy theories. I just cannot do them anymore. I have read and watched all that is put out. I want to be objective, to know both sides, but to me they are all reaching or grasping for the truth. Only God knows.
I feel even more lost than before. As one of the neighbors was getting his plate he looked to my walls with a small amount of religious pictures. When he asked if it was my husband or I who was religious, I could not even answer. I have truly lost my religion. It has been coming for awhile. Ever since we moved to Fort Drum. I feel God moving further and further away. It is me of course because he does not leave us, but I realized that I am not sad PWOC is finished. I am not sad that I cannot go worship in the church. I am relieved that I can stay in my home and drop the F bomb silently all day long. It is a pathetic existence, but it is my reality.
I think this whole stay at home thing has not been good for me mentally. I have nightmares where I see my daughter shot or where I am about to be killed. I wake myself out crying into my pillow as my husband sleeps next to me. There are days where I cannot get myself to work through it for fear that my mind will fall back into those dreams. Why am I like that? I know, because I am a lost soul. I am one of the lost. I changed my FB name to my middle name. I don't really know why I felt compelled to do this, only that it seemed the right thing to do. So now I am in this weird in between place.
The highlight of my week was when the library announced we could once again check out materials simply by sending and email with our request. It was a glorious moment to pick up new books and turn in the old books.
Mother's day was a great day. We had a picnic in the yard eating the birthday celebration leftovers. We went to the PX and my husband let my daughter pick my present. I was beyond shocked to see the designer handbag. I even offered to take it back. I am now a proud owner of a purse that cost nearly as much as our wedding ring set that I can no longer wear.
We are well. The kids are happy. My daughter outside nearly every day playing with two little boys. My middle son becoming a recluse. Wrapped up in his virtual world with his borrowed computer from the school and his new computer. He chats often with that special girl and I feel as if I know her a tad bit. I have heard him speak more to her in an hour than he does to me in a day. I hear is gleeful laughter and know that it won't be heard outside of his room. Medical is open in our state, so now the official countdown to his corrective ankle surgery is on. The last week of this month we have that, the second week of June he finally gets the final baby teeth pulled. He is scared. I am numb.
My labs were not much worse than pre stay at home, but they weren't any better. I have failed at improving them. With my husband cooking most of the meals due to my inability to care about much after school is finished, I don't have as much control. Add to this the fact that we are limited on the amount of meats we can buy. Then there is the temptation to buy or bake sweets. I am truly doomed.
But for now, I have survived, and my family has survived two months of this new normal. My husband is back to work and we are waiting to see what our next adventure will be.
Be blessed in all that you do
May, it came so fast, but so slowly. Saturday May 2, my husband and I accepted an invite to eat at our neighbors. It was a cookout!!! Like before all the craziness. We ate salsa, we ate grilled Chicken. Oh we laughed! It felt so good, so normal. Just two families sitting on the back patio with the grill going and great food. Conversation, and wine. At 4:30 a.m. I woke up in my bed, dry eyes, the room spinning. I struggled up to go to the bathroom and realized I was fully dressed, had no idea how I walked that short distance home, and my contacts were in. I pulled my contacts out and tossed them into the trash. I almost crawled back to my bed. I woke up two more times, and two more times I thought I was dying. Finally at 8, I retreated to the cooler living room and sat on the couch. As I am looking at my FB, I realize that I missed the loud music and the fireworks. My husband finally makes an appearance and explains to me that at 10pm, I nearly passed out, so he brought me home and went back to the barbeque. He said that our son was home with me and our daughter was living every kid's dream dancing in the firelight and roasting marsh mellows until 1am. when he brought her home. He also heard the fireworks and our attached neighbor was playing the loud music. He also planned a small get together for our son's upcoming birthday.
I spent much of that day recovering and listening to my husband pick on me for drinking two bottles of wine. I truly felt like poo. We sat down and made a plan for this get together. Two families would be invited. Each from our little dead end street. We would have a small piñata. We would serve burgers, hot dogs, and ceviche. I would make desserts, our awesome neighbor would make the cake. The weather turned cold. There was rain. The rain stopped the night before the birthday celebration. The day of was cool, but we were cooking out at 2. Our attached neighbor loaned us their big grill. We borrowed a table and chairs from our neighbor. We did not maintain social distance. The entire celebration was outside. The food was served inside. When it came time for cake, we cut my son's slice and placed the candles on it for him to blow out. It was right on the line of an appropriate celebration. What is normal now? Is this to be the reality? My son's biggest wish next to getting a computer, was to go to Tennessee to celebrate with our families. This could not happen, so we found a happy medium. My son really wanted this special girl that he has been chatting with multiple times a day online to come. I had to call her mom and explain that I could not invite her though I really wanted to. It was so awkward. Anyone who knows me, will know that I am game for all the friends to come and celebrate, but it could not be that way this year. We celebrated late into the night and then came inside and fell into an exhausted heap on the couch. Clean up took place the next day.
Yay! Online school has come to a close. We finished good, I won't say it was a strong finish. The kids and I were done. It was so hard to wake up each day and get going and then stay on task. I felt let down that we never got to go back. It was hard to do a grab and go for belongings. I met with each of the two PTOs and we tied up loose ends. One more meeting and I will no longer be on any PTO board. I am so sad by this. I love being a part of something bigger than I am .
I feel a closer connection to the families on my little dead end street than I do for most of the people I have known the entire time I have been here. As I was driving through a neighborhood doing and auction pick up, it dawned on me that new friendships have been forged. Those that we turned to during this time will be our new rock walls to lean on. Going through this was in some ways harder than facing a deployment or extended field exercise. I miss my life before this. I miss getting up and having a place to be and time to be there. I have worn mascara three times and done my full make up twice. I wear leggings daily, which is mostly normal. I have bought a lot of shoes, shoes that I am sure I won't be wearing anytime soon. Netflix and Hulu show me the outside world as if in a dream. I am not who I was before and I am sure I am not the only one whose very existence has been altered by all of this.
Things are opening up slowly. Some states you can actually eat inside of a restaurant and shop in stores. I do not know how I feel about all of this. Cautious, but also unsure of how to proceed. At which point do I admit that I was a sheep, or was I a sheep? Have I acted out of my own free will or because the Government and the media have directed my actions? What to believe? How can you really know for sure which side is right? Why does there have to be only two ways it can go? I know that I am not fully comfortable returning to normal. I know that the idea of my family moving who knows where this fall terrifies me. I am trying to think positively about going back to school. I mean, I want my kids to go back, but is it the right way for things to move forward? I think that the time for big change is upon us. I told my kids daily pay attention, learn how to use these programs, this is your future. I think that those younger than me, those who have always welcomed more chances to do things online are finally getting their dream come true. Will anyone know how to properly greet people in person? Will they all become socially distant and there be no more community gatherings? What happens to church in a building? I am so confuse about the entire thing. Unlike my husband, I tend to shy away from the media. I don't want to listen to the media picking apart everything that the POTUS says. I mean, he constantly talks to them and says and does things that will only add fuel to the fires. I am tired of conspiracy theories. I just cannot do them anymore. I have read and watched all that is put out. I want to be objective, to know both sides, but to me they are all reaching or grasping for the truth. Only God knows.
I feel even more lost than before. As one of the neighbors was getting his plate he looked to my walls with a small amount of religious pictures. When he asked if it was my husband or I who was religious, I could not even answer. I have truly lost my religion. It has been coming for awhile. Ever since we moved to Fort Drum. I feel God moving further and further away. It is me of course because he does not leave us, but I realized that I am not sad PWOC is finished. I am not sad that I cannot go worship in the church. I am relieved that I can stay in my home and drop the F bomb silently all day long. It is a pathetic existence, but it is my reality.
I think this whole stay at home thing has not been good for me mentally. I have nightmares where I see my daughter shot or where I am about to be killed. I wake myself out crying into my pillow as my husband sleeps next to me. There are days where I cannot get myself to work through it for fear that my mind will fall back into those dreams. Why am I like that? I know, because I am a lost soul. I am one of the lost. I changed my FB name to my middle name. I don't really know why I felt compelled to do this, only that it seemed the right thing to do. So now I am in this weird in between place.
The highlight of my week was when the library announced we could once again check out materials simply by sending and email with our request. It was a glorious moment to pick up new books and turn in the old books.
Mother's day was a great day. We had a picnic in the yard eating the birthday celebration leftovers. We went to the PX and my husband let my daughter pick my present. I was beyond shocked to see the designer handbag. I even offered to take it back. I am now a proud owner of a purse that cost nearly as much as our wedding ring set that I can no longer wear.
We are well. The kids are happy. My daughter outside nearly every day playing with two little boys. My middle son becoming a recluse. Wrapped up in his virtual world with his borrowed computer from the school and his new computer. He chats often with that special girl and I feel as if I know her a tad bit. I have heard him speak more to her in an hour than he does to me in a day. I hear is gleeful laughter and know that it won't be heard outside of his room. Medical is open in our state, so now the official countdown to his corrective ankle surgery is on. The last week of this month we have that, the second week of June he finally gets the final baby teeth pulled. He is scared. I am numb.
My labs were not much worse than pre stay at home, but they weren't any better. I have failed at improving them. With my husband cooking most of the meals due to my inability to care about much after school is finished, I don't have as much control. Add to this the fact that we are limited on the amount of meats we can buy. Then there is the temptation to buy or bake sweets. I am truly doomed.
But for now, I have survived, and my family has survived two months of this new normal. My husband is back to work and we are waiting to see what our next adventure will be.
Be blessed in all that you do
Sunday, April 19, 2020
The Chronicals of a Not So Ordinary Mom: Reflections
As Sunday dawns chilly at first light with cloud cover, I throw aside the blankets and place my feet lightly on the floor. I am ready as ready will ever be to face yet another day inside my house, my neighborhood, my safety area.
When once I thought I would never survive inside my house, I have come to realize it is really not so bad. I have ventured out to the stores, but that leaves me feeling off. In a way I wonder if agoraphobia will become a much more recognized condition. As we become immersed in life inside our homes, we grasp the ability to do most things online. We can shop, we can bank, we can work and teach and even meet. Appearances may slide, at least for me they have. I have worn make up once in a month. I have blow dried my hair a handful of times. My go to clothes are my leggings and comfy t-shirts. For school we all get out of bed and dressed in various forms of comfy clothes. I have watched my husband become more comfortable in athletic shorts and when he goes out he will swap to khaki shorts.
I counted up my outings from my side of post and I came up with three trips into Louisville, two of those trips my family ordered tacos to eat in the van. We have ordered cheese dip two times, we have gone inside of a Walmart two times, the commissary three times, Aldi once, and a Walmart pick up. All that since April 14. My husband also reenlisted the first week of social distancing. This change is huge for my family. I am coming to the end of my two PTO terms, I am still on the Resident Advisory board, PWOC is now online only.
My social life is basically non existent. I should be sad, but in a small way I am relieved. I have been putting myself out there for nearly three years. I posted only pictures of me as my profile picture so people would see my face and choose me to babysit, or know that I was someone they could reach out to as the FRG Leader, The Treasurer, and Finally for the PTO and the RAB. I recently changed it to a picture of something not my face. It is back to my face, but I have now changed my fb name. I have decided to step back. To use this time to focus on me, on my family.
See for us, we are the brink of a huge change. My husband will be a recruiter by the end of this year. We will most likely be living away from the Military Community I so love and cherish. We will very likely be in a place where I am the minority. And worst of all we will have to accept that my husband might not be home for supper, might be working weekends, will be fielding phone calls at odd times. We will have to learn a new way to support him as he faces new stresses and challenges. During this time we have fully embraced our tiny family unit. We are enjoying the bike rides, the times to cook and clean and learn together. Movies on the Tv, Music blasting from the blue tooth speakers. Cuddles with the Chihuahuas.
We see our neighbors from time to time, but mostly in passing. My husband still sees his soldiers almost daily and talks to them on the phone. I still message a few of my friends, but I feel the closure of our time at this place coming. I know that I can drive away from here and remember the good times, but also know this was never a forever home. It was difficult to drive away from NNY. I was heart broken for months and struggled to find my place here. I have met many amazing women and many of them I will remain in contact with. I have been faced with the fake and the judgmental here and I know that is everywhere. I know that in many instances I was merely flitting in between, but never truly belonging. Isn't that what we all strive for? Belonging to what? I crave the company of those who have struggled and survived. Those who are educated and examples of how to become the best you.
While being here, I have learned that I am passionate about being involved and speaking up for the underdog. I have learned that I want to use my voice to advocate for those who don't have an advocate. I care about donating money to wipe out a lunchroom debt because I believe all kids should have free lunches regardless of how much money the parents make. I want to help everyone and I know and understand that there are those that you cannot help, but I still want to try. I want to speak up for those who might not be able to afford school spirit shirts and therefore their kids may not get a prize, which by the way, breaks my heart. I have come to realize that one of my strong points, might be a weak point, is the ability to see and listen to all sides. I know how it feels to have what you need and I know how it feels to not have what you need. I have so many friends from all walks of life. I have friends who have struggled with a wide range of issues. Because I am empathetic I have felt their struggles and celebrated their wins right along side of them.
Years ago when my greatest friendship turned out to be a huge lie, I realized that not everyone sees the world the way we do. I have grown from that betrayal and used that experience to grow. It was slow at first because I did not want to get close to anyone. I became more introverted than normal. But then we moved to NNY and my husband deployed. I began babysitting, I threw myself into FRG involvement, I made a friend for life. Suddenly I met others who pushed me to step out of my comfort zone. All of that led me to where I am now. I am deeply saddened to not be able to re run for a position on either PTO board. I will volunteer until we move though. But at the end of all that has transpired in the last school year, I am ready to step back. I am ready to reanalyze the friendships that I thought I had formed. I am ready to accept that for many I am just there, not a meaningful part of their lives. I am okay with this, though honesty is that it hurts.
In the end you must take all that you learned and grow from it. My roots are getting stronger, they are growing deeper. I am learning how to navigate the world of public existence and I know that where ever we land I will grow. I am dreading all that leads up to a move. Thinking positively though, all of this social distancing will make the see you laters much easier. There will be no long drawn out goodbyes and events to attend. One day I will be here, the next packing and leaving my house and then I will be off to the next place.
Be the best you. Be open to change and not narrow minded. Embrace everyone no matter, race, belief, politics, etc. BE THE BEST YOU.
When once I thought I would never survive inside my house, I have come to realize it is really not so bad. I have ventured out to the stores, but that leaves me feeling off. In a way I wonder if agoraphobia will become a much more recognized condition. As we become immersed in life inside our homes, we grasp the ability to do most things online. We can shop, we can bank, we can work and teach and even meet. Appearances may slide, at least for me they have. I have worn make up once in a month. I have blow dried my hair a handful of times. My go to clothes are my leggings and comfy t-shirts. For school we all get out of bed and dressed in various forms of comfy clothes. I have watched my husband become more comfortable in athletic shorts and when he goes out he will swap to khaki shorts.
I counted up my outings from my side of post and I came up with three trips into Louisville, two of those trips my family ordered tacos to eat in the van. We have ordered cheese dip two times, we have gone inside of a Walmart two times, the commissary three times, Aldi once, and a Walmart pick up. All that since April 14. My husband also reenlisted the first week of social distancing. This change is huge for my family. I am coming to the end of my two PTO terms, I am still on the Resident Advisory board, PWOC is now online only.
My social life is basically non existent. I should be sad, but in a small way I am relieved. I have been putting myself out there for nearly three years. I posted only pictures of me as my profile picture so people would see my face and choose me to babysit, or know that I was someone they could reach out to as the FRG Leader, The Treasurer, and Finally for the PTO and the RAB. I recently changed it to a picture of something not my face. It is back to my face, but I have now changed my fb name. I have decided to step back. To use this time to focus on me, on my family.
See for us, we are the brink of a huge change. My husband will be a recruiter by the end of this year. We will most likely be living away from the Military Community I so love and cherish. We will very likely be in a place where I am the minority. And worst of all we will have to accept that my husband might not be home for supper, might be working weekends, will be fielding phone calls at odd times. We will have to learn a new way to support him as he faces new stresses and challenges. During this time we have fully embraced our tiny family unit. We are enjoying the bike rides, the times to cook and clean and learn together. Movies on the Tv, Music blasting from the blue tooth speakers. Cuddles with the Chihuahuas.
We see our neighbors from time to time, but mostly in passing. My husband still sees his soldiers almost daily and talks to them on the phone. I still message a few of my friends, but I feel the closure of our time at this place coming. I know that I can drive away from here and remember the good times, but also know this was never a forever home. It was difficult to drive away from NNY. I was heart broken for months and struggled to find my place here. I have met many amazing women and many of them I will remain in contact with. I have been faced with the fake and the judgmental here and I know that is everywhere. I know that in many instances I was merely flitting in between, but never truly belonging. Isn't that what we all strive for? Belonging to what? I crave the company of those who have struggled and survived. Those who are educated and examples of how to become the best you.
While being here, I have learned that I am passionate about being involved and speaking up for the underdog. I have learned that I want to use my voice to advocate for those who don't have an advocate. I care about donating money to wipe out a lunchroom debt because I believe all kids should have free lunches regardless of how much money the parents make. I want to help everyone and I know and understand that there are those that you cannot help, but I still want to try. I want to speak up for those who might not be able to afford school spirit shirts and therefore their kids may not get a prize, which by the way, breaks my heart. I have come to realize that one of my strong points, might be a weak point, is the ability to see and listen to all sides. I know how it feels to have what you need and I know how it feels to not have what you need. I have so many friends from all walks of life. I have friends who have struggled with a wide range of issues. Because I am empathetic I have felt their struggles and celebrated their wins right along side of them.
Years ago when my greatest friendship turned out to be a huge lie, I realized that not everyone sees the world the way we do. I have grown from that betrayal and used that experience to grow. It was slow at first because I did not want to get close to anyone. I became more introverted than normal. But then we moved to NNY and my husband deployed. I began babysitting, I threw myself into FRG involvement, I made a friend for life. Suddenly I met others who pushed me to step out of my comfort zone. All of that led me to where I am now. I am deeply saddened to not be able to re run for a position on either PTO board. I will volunteer until we move though. But at the end of all that has transpired in the last school year, I am ready to step back. I am ready to reanalyze the friendships that I thought I had formed. I am ready to accept that for many I am just there, not a meaningful part of their lives. I am okay with this, though honesty is that it hurts.
In the end you must take all that you learned and grow from it. My roots are getting stronger, they are growing deeper. I am learning how to navigate the world of public existence and I know that where ever we land I will grow. I am dreading all that leads up to a move. Thinking positively though, all of this social distancing will make the see you laters much easier. There will be no long drawn out goodbyes and events to attend. One day I will be here, the next packing and leaving my house and then I will be off to the next place.
Be the best you. Be open to change and not narrow minded. Embrace everyone no matter, race, belief, politics, etc. BE THE BEST YOU.
Thursday, April 16, 2020
The Chronicals of a Not so Ordinary Mom: Teacher Parade
It is the Week of the Military Child. This includes Purple Up for the Military Child. On a normal year, you visit your housing office, if you live on a Military installation, for a purple pinwheel. Or you go to the local PX and get a free dandelion patch. On April 15th everyone wears a purple shirt. It is kind of a big deal if you are into all of that. Don't forget that the dandelion is the flower that represents the Military Child. This is because they are strong and resilient and used to change.
For the most part it was not a huge deal this year with all of this stuff going on. The schools on post got together and planned a teacher parade for April 15th and everyone could wear purple. Signs and banners were made and sweet anticipation rippled through the community. My kids were vibrating with excitement as the time for the first parade drew closer.
The first parade was the high school, middle school, and intermediate schools. As the kids and I stood with our sign outside of our van, we were chilly and the wind was whipping all around us. When we saw the first flashing lights of the MP, we began to squeal in delight. As they drew closer they turned on the siren momentarily and suddenly the morning air was filled with the beeping horns and shouts from the cars passing us by. As the teachers recognized my son, they would call out his name. We were so elated and full of new morale after that parade rolled on by us. Thankfully it was time for lunch break. This gave me a moment to review my own pictures, but that all my on post friends and the school fb page. I stared in awe at those videos of the parade and new deep in my hear that I had just been a part of something special, even if I was just a spectator.
Back to the grind for just a little bit. The kids each having a Google Meet. And then it was time for my daughter's school parade. The wind was much stronger this time around. The sun was high in the sky. Instead of our car being the only one in the empty lot, this time there were several and people lined up on the sidewalks. Everyone was mindful of keeping the distance. The kids were so full of excitement. You could feel the electricity from their anticipation all along the street. From our vantage point, we could see the school and when the parade began to roll out of the parking lot onto the street. The fire trucks were blowing horns, police sirens, car horns, and shouting all along the street. This parade was harder for me. Harder for my daughter. As Committee Chair for the PTO, I had spent a lot of time at this school, a lot of time talking to teachers and the other parents. Deep in my heart I knew this was a farewell of sorts.
As the last car passed us my daughter asked if we could see it again, so we hopped into the van and headed over to another neighborhood. We found a place to park and took up a spot in the island between the two streets. I was across the street from fellow PTO members and one previous PTO member. It was great to see them, but not like I thought it should be. Soon the parade was coming towards us and once again we watched those teachers roll by with joy on their faces. Again my heart felt heavy and my normally talkative daughter was quiet. Upon returning home, we called it a day.
This week were once again given a new learning platform, but this one actually gives us more control over our schedule and the time we put into it. We still have the Google meets, which is getting easier as the days go by. Today we learned that in all probability we won't return to finish out this school year. My time with the two PTOs is nearly done. I am deeply saddened that my last few months here will be spent in my home away from those who brighten my day. The great conversations and laughter and Starbucks. It is what it is and I know that this too shall pass.
For the most part it was not a huge deal this year with all of this stuff going on. The schools on post got together and planned a teacher parade for April 15th and everyone could wear purple. Signs and banners were made and sweet anticipation rippled through the community. My kids were vibrating with excitement as the time for the first parade drew closer.
The first parade was the high school, middle school, and intermediate schools. As the kids and I stood with our sign outside of our van, we were chilly and the wind was whipping all around us. When we saw the first flashing lights of the MP, we began to squeal in delight. As they drew closer they turned on the siren momentarily and suddenly the morning air was filled with the beeping horns and shouts from the cars passing us by. As the teachers recognized my son, they would call out his name. We were so elated and full of new morale after that parade rolled on by us. Thankfully it was time for lunch break. This gave me a moment to review my own pictures, but that all my on post friends and the school fb page. I stared in awe at those videos of the parade and new deep in my hear that I had just been a part of something special, even if I was just a spectator.
Back to the grind for just a little bit. The kids each having a Google Meet. And then it was time for my daughter's school parade. The wind was much stronger this time around. The sun was high in the sky. Instead of our car being the only one in the empty lot, this time there were several and people lined up on the sidewalks. Everyone was mindful of keeping the distance. The kids were so full of excitement. You could feel the electricity from their anticipation all along the street. From our vantage point, we could see the school and when the parade began to roll out of the parking lot onto the street. The fire trucks were blowing horns, police sirens, car horns, and shouting all along the street. This parade was harder for me. Harder for my daughter. As Committee Chair for the PTO, I had spent a lot of time at this school, a lot of time talking to teachers and the other parents. Deep in my heart I knew this was a farewell of sorts.
As the last car passed us my daughter asked if we could see it again, so we hopped into the van and headed over to another neighborhood. We found a place to park and took up a spot in the island between the two streets. I was across the street from fellow PTO members and one previous PTO member. It was great to see them, but not like I thought it should be. Soon the parade was coming towards us and once again we watched those teachers roll by with joy on their faces. Again my heart felt heavy and my normally talkative daughter was quiet. Upon returning home, we called it a day.
This week were once again given a new learning platform, but this one actually gives us more control over our schedule and the time we put into it. We still have the Google meets, which is getting easier as the days go by. Today we learned that in all probability we won't return to finish out this school year. My time with the two PTOs is nearly done. I am deeply saddened that my last few months here will be spent in my home away from those who brighten my day. The great conversations and laughter and Starbucks. It is what it is and I know that this too shall pass.
Thursday, April 9, 2020
The Chronicals of a Not so Ordinary Mom: After Spring Break
When Monday rolled around we did Monday. It was not necessarily a good Monday as Mondays go. The virtual platform for my son's school was different. My son was like a space cadet. I had to read everything to him. I had to lay it out step by step for him. I lost my cool. I yelled at the top of my lungs. My daughter wasn't being overly productive either. I ended up calling the school and two teachers called me to assure me that we were doing well and to keep it up. It was odd to hear the teachers telling me how best my son learns and it was great advice.
We rolled into Tuesday and my daughter had an amazing first half of the day. We did multiple math lessons and her little brain was on fire. My son was focused on his work and did much better and thankfully we had the ELA Aide on the phone with him. When my daughter had her midday Google Meet she couldn't focus and listening was not happening. The teacher quickly caught on and let us go.
I had my first PTO Zoom meeting. How nice it was to see everyone and to talk about things that were not on a 5th and 2nd grade level. We ended the meeting and had a quick chat session. My time as a Committee Chair at my daughter's school is coming to a close. I know that before long new adventures will open up and I will have new paths to explore.
By Wednesday my daughter was done. I tried to get her to watch the ELA videos and complete the work. I ended up screaming at her in a rage by 11 a.m. My husband suggested that she go to her room and I go pick up the school lunches. I biked to the school in a fury. I could feel the rage rolling off of me. Back home, kids fed and son is working diligently. Again I struggle with my daughter and again we end up in a stalemate. This meant that the two extra days she should have off will be partially spent doing this work. I tried to explain to her that her teacher took time from her kids to create this online platform. I tried to make her understand that she was making it harder on herself and me. I know it is selfish to include myself, but I need free time too. I need time to step away from the teaching roll. Time to be just a mom.
It is now mandated that all DOD facilities are to be utilized by people wearing a mask. Mask making has begun in earnest all around our post. This also meant that since my husband had a mask alternative and I did not, that he would go to the Commissary. I wrote him a short list with the much needed rice at the top. He came home with the harder to find items and no rice. I was still extremely thankful to him. This also means that I have not left the general area of my neighborhood in over a week. The furthest I have gone is a neighboring neighborhood to pick up something from a porch. I have become isolated. In a way this is somewhat normal for me as I do not normally like to drive across town to just drive across town. In other ways this is highly unusual as I am a fairly social person due to my volunteering commitments.
Wednesday was a beautiful and warm and sunny day. I knew from the news that a storm would roll in. I also expected some moderate wind and a lot of rain. After my second online PTO meeting, which was again like a breath of fresh air, I got my kids into bed. Hubby and I settled in to watch a show and wait on his next round of accountability calls from his Soldiers. Just as we turn off the lights I realize that our repurposed bike stroller is uncovered. I go outside and get it covered and think to myself how odd the air felt and it seemed like I was breathing in dirt. I return to bed and start telling my husband that I think I left my barely alive poinsettia outside on the front porch. As we are discussing how my plant will be fine, a terrible pounding commences outside of our bedroom window. The wind was roaring against our house. The window was rattling and the curtain was literally blowing in and out. We hear a thud and I am up grabbing for my robe. I throw open the front door and see and feel nature's fury. The wind is swirling there is dust and debris. I grab my son's bike that was knocked to the ground, I grab our lounge chair. I am thrilled by the sight of this storm, as I love storms. My husband and I run to the back door to look out and check the trampoline. We realize quickly that ours is intact but our two neighbor's have lost their trampolines. When I return to the front door our non social distancing neighbor runs over to offer to help us bring in our porch furniture. I decline and then they tell us that another trampoline had blown down the road past all of the parked cars. It mere minutes it is all over. Everything settles down and returns to a semblance of normal.
When morning dawns, I get dressed and head outside. The sight before me is many branches strewn in the road, the yards and all around the cars. It is chilly in the early morning air. Our cars for the most part are okay. There is a small ding on one of the van doors. Later in the afternoon the kids and I go outside to clean up the branches. Maintenance was by earlier in the day to clean up the large branches.
I did manage to get my daughter to do some school work. I picked up face masks that were made for my husband and I. In return I had baked pumpkin muffins. Hubby had to work, and he made a Walmart run. He also cooked and amazing dinner. Potato tacos. They were phenomenal. Last night I cooked spicy chicken with the rainbow bell peppers.
Though we are largely stuck in our neighborhood, we are blessed with good neighbors. Technology though infuriating at times, is a Godsend. I often catch myself remembering my 90s teenage years and how I did not have technology. I only had a dial up home phone, a VCR, a TV, and a typewriter. My stereo was a saving grace and how I loved to type stories. How much has changed since then. I know my kids would never make it if they were tossed into the 90s.
Find a positive everyday God Bless.
We rolled into Tuesday and my daughter had an amazing first half of the day. We did multiple math lessons and her little brain was on fire. My son was focused on his work and did much better and thankfully we had the ELA Aide on the phone with him. When my daughter had her midday Google Meet she couldn't focus and listening was not happening. The teacher quickly caught on and let us go.
I had my first PTO Zoom meeting. How nice it was to see everyone and to talk about things that were not on a 5th and 2nd grade level. We ended the meeting and had a quick chat session. My time as a Committee Chair at my daughter's school is coming to a close. I know that before long new adventures will open up and I will have new paths to explore.
By Wednesday my daughter was done. I tried to get her to watch the ELA videos and complete the work. I ended up screaming at her in a rage by 11 a.m. My husband suggested that she go to her room and I go pick up the school lunches. I biked to the school in a fury. I could feel the rage rolling off of me. Back home, kids fed and son is working diligently. Again I struggle with my daughter and again we end up in a stalemate. This meant that the two extra days she should have off will be partially spent doing this work. I tried to explain to her that her teacher took time from her kids to create this online platform. I tried to make her understand that she was making it harder on herself and me. I know it is selfish to include myself, but I need free time too. I need time to step away from the teaching roll. Time to be just a mom.
It is now mandated that all DOD facilities are to be utilized by people wearing a mask. Mask making has begun in earnest all around our post. This also meant that since my husband had a mask alternative and I did not, that he would go to the Commissary. I wrote him a short list with the much needed rice at the top. He came home with the harder to find items and no rice. I was still extremely thankful to him. This also means that I have not left the general area of my neighborhood in over a week. The furthest I have gone is a neighboring neighborhood to pick up something from a porch. I have become isolated. In a way this is somewhat normal for me as I do not normally like to drive across town to just drive across town. In other ways this is highly unusual as I am a fairly social person due to my volunteering commitments.
Wednesday was a beautiful and warm and sunny day. I knew from the news that a storm would roll in. I also expected some moderate wind and a lot of rain. After my second online PTO meeting, which was again like a breath of fresh air, I got my kids into bed. Hubby and I settled in to watch a show and wait on his next round of accountability calls from his Soldiers. Just as we turn off the lights I realize that our repurposed bike stroller is uncovered. I go outside and get it covered and think to myself how odd the air felt and it seemed like I was breathing in dirt. I return to bed and start telling my husband that I think I left my barely alive poinsettia outside on the front porch. As we are discussing how my plant will be fine, a terrible pounding commences outside of our bedroom window. The wind was roaring against our house. The window was rattling and the curtain was literally blowing in and out. We hear a thud and I am up grabbing for my robe. I throw open the front door and see and feel nature's fury. The wind is swirling there is dust and debris. I grab my son's bike that was knocked to the ground, I grab our lounge chair. I am thrilled by the sight of this storm, as I love storms. My husband and I run to the back door to look out and check the trampoline. We realize quickly that ours is intact but our two neighbor's have lost their trampolines. When I return to the front door our non social distancing neighbor runs over to offer to help us bring in our porch furniture. I decline and then they tell us that another trampoline had blown down the road past all of the parked cars. It mere minutes it is all over. Everything settles down and returns to a semblance of normal.
When morning dawns, I get dressed and head outside. The sight before me is many branches strewn in the road, the yards and all around the cars. It is chilly in the early morning air. Our cars for the most part are okay. There is a small ding on one of the van doors. Later in the afternoon the kids and I go outside to clean up the branches. Maintenance was by earlier in the day to clean up the large branches.
I did manage to get my daughter to do some school work. I picked up face masks that were made for my husband and I. In return I had baked pumpkin muffins. Hubby had to work, and he made a Walmart run. He also cooked and amazing dinner. Potato tacos. They were phenomenal. Last night I cooked spicy chicken with the rainbow bell peppers.
Though we are largely stuck in our neighborhood, we are blessed with good neighbors. Technology though infuriating at times, is a Godsend. I often catch myself remembering my 90s teenage years and how I did not have technology. I only had a dial up home phone, a VCR, a TV, and a typewriter. My stereo was a saving grace and how I loved to type stories. How much has changed since then. I know my kids would never make it if they were tossed into the 90s.
Find a positive everyday God Bless.
Sunday, April 5, 2020
Chronicals of a Not so Oridinary Mom: Spring Break
Spring Break came and went.
No travel, no true notice of the passage of a weeks worth of days.
Big plans to continue working on school work were pushed aside in order to relax, regroup and adjust.
The first weekend passed with little notice and much staying up too late and getting up late. On into Monday were we watched TV and dealt with slightly cooler temperatures. The heat had to come back on.
Tuesday rolled around and shit hit the fan. I had decided to order online from Walmart. This would be my first time. Time consuming and lots of concentration as I tried to work my way through my grocery list. In the middle of it when time is essential in order to keep my pick up time, my two kids begin shouting at each other. I turn and tell them to turn off the game system. They both yell at me in unision, an I begin yelling at them to turn it off and go to their rooms. I grab controllers and walk back into my kitchen and finish what I was doing. A few minutes later my husband returns home happy as you please. He is shocked when he hears what had just transpired. A little later we make grocery run to the commissary and then to Walmart to pick up my order. I am still in need of breakfast sausages and Jasmine Rice.
Wednesday to Sunday became a blur. When the weather turned nice we went on family bike rides and walks. We picked up school lunches on the week days and made our own Saturday and today.
My hometown in Tennessee has provide much online entertainment as I read post after post of hardships caused by the shut down of many businesses and the pros and cons of why people should stay home. Somehow the concept of flattening the curve seems lost on so many. They insist it is essential to eat out when they have the means to eat out. It is as if they do not realize that this is only the beginning. This is where it is about life and death and keeping those we love safe. This is almost like the eye of the storm. Once we can emerge from our homes and regain some sense of normalcy the economy will crash. Unemployment is rising already. I see people eating out and I wonder when they will realize that they should be saving money.
Monday of last week my oldest son became unemployed. Instead of using that as a time to stay home, he ventured from TN to KY to visit his half sister. I was devastated when he called me from her house. I knew he was only a little over an hour away, yet I had to tell him to come. I was hurt that he refused to acknowledge how he was endangering everyone he encountered, to include his grandfather that he lives with. Instead he hung up the phone hurt and angry at me. I sat there on my couch stunned. As a mom I want my home to always be open to my children. But these times are making that hard to do especially if your child lives in another state with your aging parent.
The situation in Mexico where my husband's family lives are not much better. They are faced with job loss and rising food costs and crazy rumors about people going to the hospital and never returning. My husband calls them daily and we pray hard for them.
Saturday we did a three mile hike and came home feeling rejuvenated. Saturday night we sat a safe distance from our attached neighbor. They had a fire going in their fire pit. We drank our own alcohol and enjoyed the fire from the yard as the fire pit was on their back patio. It is strange how you make adjustments to find a semblance of normalcy. We spent an hour outside and then came in to call it a night. Please keep in mind that these are people who like us have had minimal contact with others outside of our homes and our husband's jobs. These are people who live in the same dead end area of the neighborhood. From our chairs we could barely feel the blazing heat of a great fire only remnants of the heat as it drifted up and away.
Today we are relaxing and preparing for the next week. We know that homeschooling has now been announced as "Until further notice" Thankfully we will still have the school lunch pick up.
I am fully sad that I won't be able to plan the end of the year events with my two PTOs. My next Resident Advisory Board meeting will be a phone conference. The two exit rams to the outside towns have been blocked under the guise of maintenance. We are still able to get off post and back on through the one main gate.
Pray for Monday as I am sure it will be a hard one
No travel, no true notice of the passage of a weeks worth of days.
Big plans to continue working on school work were pushed aside in order to relax, regroup and adjust.
The first weekend passed with little notice and much staying up too late and getting up late. On into Monday were we watched TV and dealt with slightly cooler temperatures. The heat had to come back on.
Tuesday rolled around and shit hit the fan. I had decided to order online from Walmart. This would be my first time. Time consuming and lots of concentration as I tried to work my way through my grocery list. In the middle of it when time is essential in order to keep my pick up time, my two kids begin shouting at each other. I turn and tell them to turn off the game system. They both yell at me in unision, an I begin yelling at them to turn it off and go to their rooms. I grab controllers and walk back into my kitchen and finish what I was doing. A few minutes later my husband returns home happy as you please. He is shocked when he hears what had just transpired. A little later we make grocery run to the commissary and then to Walmart to pick up my order. I am still in need of breakfast sausages and Jasmine Rice.
Wednesday to Sunday became a blur. When the weather turned nice we went on family bike rides and walks. We picked up school lunches on the week days and made our own Saturday and today.
My hometown in Tennessee has provide much online entertainment as I read post after post of hardships caused by the shut down of many businesses and the pros and cons of why people should stay home. Somehow the concept of flattening the curve seems lost on so many. They insist it is essential to eat out when they have the means to eat out. It is as if they do not realize that this is only the beginning. This is where it is about life and death and keeping those we love safe. This is almost like the eye of the storm. Once we can emerge from our homes and regain some sense of normalcy the economy will crash. Unemployment is rising already. I see people eating out and I wonder when they will realize that they should be saving money.
Monday of last week my oldest son became unemployed. Instead of using that as a time to stay home, he ventured from TN to KY to visit his half sister. I was devastated when he called me from her house. I knew he was only a little over an hour away, yet I had to tell him to come. I was hurt that he refused to acknowledge how he was endangering everyone he encountered, to include his grandfather that he lives with. Instead he hung up the phone hurt and angry at me. I sat there on my couch stunned. As a mom I want my home to always be open to my children. But these times are making that hard to do especially if your child lives in another state with your aging parent.
The situation in Mexico where my husband's family lives are not much better. They are faced with job loss and rising food costs and crazy rumors about people going to the hospital and never returning. My husband calls them daily and we pray hard for them.
Saturday we did a three mile hike and came home feeling rejuvenated. Saturday night we sat a safe distance from our attached neighbor. They had a fire going in their fire pit. We drank our own alcohol and enjoyed the fire from the yard as the fire pit was on their back patio. It is strange how you make adjustments to find a semblance of normalcy. We spent an hour outside and then came in to call it a night. Please keep in mind that these are people who like us have had minimal contact with others outside of our homes and our husband's jobs. These are people who live in the same dead end area of the neighborhood. From our chairs we could barely feel the blazing heat of a great fire only remnants of the heat as it drifted up and away.
Today we are relaxing and preparing for the next week. We know that homeschooling has now been announced as "Until further notice" Thankfully we will still have the school lunch pick up.
I am fully sad that I won't be able to plan the end of the year events with my two PTOs. My next Resident Advisory Board meeting will be a phone conference. The two exit rams to the outside towns have been blocked under the guise of maintenance. We are still able to get off post and back on through the one main gate.
Pray for Monday as I am sure it will be a hard one
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