Confessions of a Not so Ordinary Mom: Kidney Stones

 Our homeschool journey has been going much better than I anticipated. My youngest, whom I expected to be the hardest to teach is actually thriving. My middle child is struggling. His ability to work diligently or with a minimum amount of daydreaming is dragging him down.

The last month has been a true blessing. It has been fun learning along side of the kids. It is amazing to watch their self confidence build. My daughter is now reading at a much better pace than when we started distance learning in March. Her math skills are blossoming. My son is doing well learning his state capitals and even his handwriting is improving. 

Both kids are getting much better at their daily chores. We are finding a harmony and making things work in a way that even I did not expect. We have had some tears and we have overcome them. There are days that we don't accomplish much of what I was hoping to accomplish. Days where youtube is our teacher. And so many days where I wonder if I am doing enough. My husband always assures me that I am doing a great job. 

And then out of the blue I began to have pain in my lower back. I knew what was coming, though I tried to deny it and push through. Ultimately I ended up in the hospital over a weekend. Thankfully, my husband was able to get a week to work at home. That was a glorious week of tandem teaching. Even he admitted that teaching the kids could be exhausting as well as rewarding. The Monday of that week, my husband was solo. I sent him all the passwords and gave him a rundown of what should occur. He tackled it like a boss!

The next two weeks, I had to manage my pain levels and fatigue all while teaching and running the household. That is when we began cutting our days super short. I needed a nap in order to have the strength to tackle dinner. Once I got the stint exchanged for a new one and kidney stone removed, I was back at it. 

I know that homeschool is to reflect flexibility. I know that it is okay to day a day off. I did give the kids and myself one day off, the day of my surgery. 

By the following day I dragged myself out of bed and forced myself to work through the uncomfortable. I made a many trips to pee and it was distracting for both the kids and and I, but we pushed through. By lunch it was obvious that I would not be able to continue. We watched a Sea Turtle Video and several videos on Cesar Chavez. Then we called it a day. 

Today I felt better and I started the kids earlier than normal so we could push through. We managed to get everything done that I wanted done in a timely manner. 

It is hard being a homeschool parent and having medical issues. You have have to work through the pain or discomfort and get things done. You have to know when to stop and when to give yourself a break. 

Here is to overcoming the odds!

September 17 2020

Confessions from a Not So Ordinary Mom: Homeschool

 We will start with this: Yes, I did say I would NEVER homeschool any of my children. But then again it is 2020, and here we are. I am Homeschooling my youngest two children. 

I began to consider this option when distance learning was going strong, wearing me down, bringing me low. The kids and I were exhausted with the routine, exhausted with each other. I noticed that my middle son was struggling with nearly everything. Why can't my then second grader read at a Kindergarten Level? It began to pile up. 

The pros and cons list came out. Pros, I could get my son caught up, because in the beginning it was only going to be him. Then I was considering that upcoming move that still is not in the books for us. So that got me thinking more about my daughter. Then May happened. Glorious May with the seemingly great PTO meeting that ended in disaster. Well, really emotional disaster. Anyway, I decided for my mental health I needed to homeschool my children. 

How on earth does homeschooling help with mental health? Well, I needed a break from the people around me. Not so much in my neighborhood, and not all of those I met during various activities I participated in . I needed a break from putting on a face and struggling to fit into a box. See, I am really a rebel at heart, and as I near my mid-forties I am realizing that I don't fit inside of a box. That I am like air filling up a balloon and at any moment I could burst. 

I need to find the new me, as I am sure that this is yet another metamorphosis. When this is all over I will be a new version of me. I need to come to terms with this bubbling rage that is right below the surface. I need to come to terms with the fact that I am not the conservative that I thought I was. I need to find myself in the midst of it all. 

But this decision felt right. I started the research. I reached out to friends who were homeschooling pros. I reached out to those I thought might have insight even though I didn't think it would be beneficial to me. I read reviews of curriculum after curriculum. I weighed out what was important to me. I then opened that bank account and let that money pay for the education that I know my children deserve. I found resources, I found support. I found a whole new community. 

All of this is directly in response to our current world situation. I did not want to send my kids to school knowing that mask wearing was a struggle to them. I also did not want to send them and then have them come back home to distance learn. To be brutally honest, distance learning was a horrible nightmare. The routine didn't work, the Google meets were horrendous for the most part. I knew that we would not survive another round of distance learning. I also knew that the transition from school to distance learning would be hard on my son. We needed stability. We needed our home. 

We have slowly begun to venture out. We have visited Tennessee. We avoid Walmart. I finally went inside of an Aldis for the first time since March. But really, I have begun to lay the foundation of teamwork and family unity. I am teaching the kids that for this to work we need to be a team. And so far it is working. 

They have picked up more chores. Now this isn't anything too big. Just daily vacuuming and mopping, changing bathroom trash bags and keeping your room clean. Rewards are extra screen time that even Mommy needs you to have. 

I have avoided sending my son to school with a mask, hearing aides, and glasses. I have avoided sending my overly social daughter to a school with kids that might not talk to her because their mommy doesn't like me. Trust me, it is better this way. 

So homeschooling started a week ago. I made us a schedule that we stuck to like glue for two days. By day three I was tweaking it. And now here we are, what schedule? I see that they both need extra LA and Math, so we work on the two for nearly 2 hours each morning. I give breaks, we play the math games. We try to do typing each day, and certainly Spanish. Marine Biology has become shark week. I am still processing how to teach the History we have. It is Biblical based, but not so much as to be overwhelming. It is heavy on the reading, and it is most certainly white washed. My compromise on that is to teach for Hispanic Heritage month and Black History Month. I will find other things to add in. 

I am satisfied with our decision. I like the fun supplies we purchased. They are working with me. They are finding a groove. Together we are doing this. 

Unraveling

Hard year, from March to June.
 Normalcy gone.
Relax, but not true relax.

Friendship, slowly, mixed with children's laughter.
Late nights, bonfires, talking, talking, talking.

What happened?
Where did I go and how did I end up here?

In this place of deep regret tinged with deep embarrassment and a loss of a brief moment in time.

I am an adult.

I am

What? What am I?

Saved? Should be

Swear like a sailor, like I am uneducated, covered.

The f bomb always ready to drop

Cultured? Wasn't I?

Sweet, I was.

Anger welling up inside of me, like a red hot wave of lava

I must live with my decisions.

I must live with what I did.

Remorse? yes, a tiny bit so, possibly not so much as I should have though

Darkness? yes, the light inside of me is getting harder to see

Where can I find myself? Church? Haven't been in months
Bible's by my bed, read them, probably not.

I am truly lost and I

I don't know what to do or where to go from here.

Continue to grow is all that I can do

The Chronicals of a Not So Ordinary Mom: Unfriended

Unfriended, that should not be, but can be a powerful word. You tell yourself that it doesn't really matter, but then it happens to you and it does matter. Then you tell yourself you are being silly, but you feel this sick feeling deep inside.

I was unfriended. Honestly it should not have been a surprise, but it was, and it did hurt, deeply.

The elementary PTO came to an end with a social distancing transition meeting. I was excited to see my current board mates and the incoming board. I was excited to share my experiences and to suggest a few changes. The former VP had asked if anyone would be wearing a mask, I said that I would, but I didn't unless I was talking directly to her during the meeting. While at the meeting I happened to notice that the VP had sent a message to me saying she would sit next to me during the meeting because I would wear a mask. I felt horrible. I had let her down. After the meeting I sent her a message letting her know that I admired her for sticking to her beliefs. She had worn her mask all during the meeting. I also let her know that I valued her opinion. I already had this feeling that this woman that I admire and think of as a friend, was thinking I was wishy washy and not good at keeping my word. This haunted me all the next day after the meeting.

Upon arrival, I was gifted a beautiful tumbler with my name on it, one that has since become a petty sticking point sitting on my counter. I had forgotten my camp chair and therefore pulled a reusable bag from my van to sit on. I had my mask with me and my suggestion list. The air was cooling down from unbearable humid and the distant sound of children playing and passing cars filled the empty silence as we waited in the church parking lot for everyone to arrive.

For many months now I had sensed a shift in my relationship with the current President. It started so simply when I found out about Drama Club at the school. I was confused how she didn't mention why my daughter wasn't signed up as our daughters were somewhat friends. It had seemed like an oversight and almost intentional. I got the information contact and was able to add my daughter to the club, but almost from that moment way back in the early months of the year, it had felt like we were beginning to walk separate paths. And really that is normal. People grow and change and it is nothing to be sad about, it is part of our personal growth.

At one point I had been at a school board meeting where it was brought up that our elementary school had a lot of outstanding lunch debt. This is one of my issues that I hold close to my heart. I do not believe any kid, despite family income, should have to pay for lunch or breakfast. I brought it up to the President and when it shifted from my inquiry how can we help, to her answer "Well I bet that is all of the E9s who are lazy and don't want to pay" I know I became defensive when I answered, because I really don't believe that to be the case. I live in a neighborhood designated for the lower ranks. It became a tad heated as I voiced my concerns and even my own experience. You see there was once a time my oldest did not have lunch money. As a single mom I worked and I did not qualify for the free lunch program. When I got married and added a child I really did not qualify. There were many times my son had no lunch money. The school he went to, they were strict on the "no money, no food" rule. He would be given bread with peanut butter or the principle would buy his lunch that day and send home a note about how she had to pay for him to eat and blah blah. The irony of the situation was that his school was like this one, it was sitting in the middle of a wealthy neighborhood, and it was a small school, so they knew our situation, but they did not reach out with compassion. Instead they ignored or ridiculed or said non helpful things like "why don't you apply for free lunch?"

 Anyway, I know this moment was a for sure turning point. It was the moment I found my voice. It was the moment I realized that I am able to vocalize and to stand my ground for my beliefs. Our last in person meeting also had a moment where I stood my ground for what I believe. I stand with the underdog. I stand with those who do not have the means to provide what their families need. I stand with those who are not popular. After the meeting the Secretary reached out and said that I had been passionate and that she had never seen me like that. My voice had been heard, but it obviously put another crack in the one friendship.

So the transition meeting commences and I listen to the President spinning herself in this easy going easy to work with light. In a way that I know was not always the reality. I listened to her cut off the VP that she had often clashed with. I heard her say she had taken the suggestion from the Secretary that I know she completely blew off. I am sitting there in disbelief and wondering what my fellow board mates are thinking and how the new board is interpreting her words. Only one of us from the current board will be on the board next year. She is a sweet lady, but one I have never fully trusted as instinct says she only agrees with the one she is currently engaging with. I know she is good friends with the President and I have zero issues with this. But I have also talked with her and heard her passion and her great ideas, only to arrive at meetings and hear her say "You know M and I have already talked about this and this is what we think" Because her And M they always talk and make decisions and then at meetings it is "Should I go ahead and mention that or wait?" It was almost like they had meetings before meetings to align themselves before they brought it up with the rest of the board. At those meetings I would be looking at the other two and wondering if they too thought they had missed something. Again I digress.

When the subject of our Spirit Wear fundraiser is brought up, I add my suggestions of inclusivity. I knew this was not a popular thing for the President. But this goes back to my first month with kids at the school. We arrived in late October. My kids started school that last week. They missed picture day at this school and the ones they left. So anyway, my kids come home talking about not getting a spirit prize. I am confused about this and as I am going to a Popcorn Friday, I bring this up at the event. The girl I spoke to explained to me that you must have current year school shirt to get a prize and they were not sure yet if they would do a second order. So I was immediately confused and asked how could my kids participate because, well we were new here. There were no shirts left in their size, so they could wear blue on those days and get a prize. I mentioned that I thought it was kind of like a money scheme, which did not gain me much grace with this girl. That is when the idea blossomed that I would like to be on the board. That I would like to make this my cause. No kid should be left out. Fast forward to becoming a board member and having inclusivity shot down once again. That and the fact that no one wanted to have volunteers be able to log volunteer hours into the Army's VMIS system, those became two sticking points. Well, to be honest, more like bug bites that you can't quit scratching. I did not like Spirit Friday's just for the fact that I now knew that some of these families were moving, had just moved here, or had multiple kids. Each time I broached the subject I was met with "Well, that is not our problem, or they can wear blue on spirit goes blue, or we can't give shirts to everyone, or this is our main fundraiser" It was frustrating to say the least. So I am sure that over the course of the school year, she had gotten tired of me.

I did get the VMIS to become a thing, but again this was through a lot of persuasiveness. The argument that if you volunteer with the PTO and want to log hours means that you are only in it for an award did not sit well with me. I knew the inner workings and how this could benefit someone for a job resume or for a school age kid to accrue much needed hours. And then one day, she caved and said you set it up you can do it. You know what?, I did, and it was a success. Within just a month many of our volunteers began to log hours. I mingled and brought this up to as many volunteers as I could, and always letting them know it was optional.

See the reason I was unfriended did not just happen, it happened over the course of a school year.

At the meeting my suggestion was met with much agreement on the incoming board. The incoming Treasurer even mentioned that with the current state of the economy many more parents might not be able to afford the extra costs this coming school year.

I also stressed the importance of mingling. I know this is not a strong point of everyone. For myself and for the former VP, this was something we did well. Our former president did know everyone's name and knew which kids belonged to which parent. That was such a strong point, and one that I never failed to admire. But things didn't go so well after our former VP began speaking. She would be laying out what she found worked, the summer playdates she set up, or something else and the former President would cut her off. I would elaborate on something the VP said. I even brought up her wonderful teacher birthday recognition that she was in charge of. I guess all of my elaboration and saying the VP this or that, was hurtful and not intentional, but should have been handled differently. You would think that I as the oldest person there, could have managed to not hurt someone's feelings so badly. But was I the only one in the wrong?

By the end of the meeting it was late and I felt positive. I felt like the new board was ready and the current board was ready for new adventures. I walked away with a beautiful cup in my hand. The former president asked about how my son was healing from a procedure he had recently, we talked about the barber we had both used for our sons, and it felt like there was something missing. I got in my van and drove home.

Thursday I pull myself out of bed and see I have a message from the former VP. What? you were unfriended? You noticed that I was and also the former Secretary. It was true. I was actually unfriended by two people, two former PTO Presidents. I messaged M and she said that I hurt her feelings. I had started out with "I am sorry if I offended you" I apologized for hurting her feelings and I listened to her response on how my words at the meeting made her feel like she had done a terrible job. I then told her all the qualities that she had that I truly admired and that watching her in that role, showed me that I am not ready to be a president yet, most likely not even a vp. I told her it was a great thing being part of the board with her. I also told her that her friendship had mattered to me more than that board. I felt so low all that day, and here I am on a Saturday, still feeling low. I also have a beautiful tumbler with my name on it that I will most likely never use. I just cannot look at it without seeing that blue button "Add Friend"

I don't know why this matters to me so much. I will be moving soon. I just know that two ladies that I thought really cared about me as a friend, unfriended me because I had a different opinion. One of them had even reached out to ask if I was okay, and I thought to myself "wow she really cares, how very sweet" But words are just words. It is now up to me how I interpret this situation and grow from this situation. It is up to me, to remain cordial in public and to carry on in a positive way. I admit I was wrong by not handling the meeting in a better way, but I really think this started months ago and that on a deeper level we were probably more acquaintances than friends. Everyone has stuff they deal with on a personal level and how they present that or use it to shape their beliefs, is part of their story. It is up to each of us to respect their journey and to listen to their beliefs without judgment.

May you be the very best you.

The Chronicals of a Not so Ordinary Mom: Two Months Later

Here we are, Friday the 15th of May. The day it all changed for me was Friday the 13th of March. That was the last day I hosted a get together inside of my house. There was pizza that night. Pizza and ceviche. No pizza was consumed by my family until the very first week of May.

May, it came so fast, but so slowly. Saturday May 2, my husband and I accepted an invite to eat at our neighbors. It was a cookout!!! Like before all the craziness. We ate salsa, we ate grilled Chicken. Oh we laughed! It felt so good, so normal. Just two families sitting on the back patio with the grill going and great food. Conversation, and wine. At 4:30 a.m. I woke up in my bed, dry eyes, the room spinning. I struggled up to go to the bathroom and realized I was fully dressed, had no idea how I walked that short distance home, and my contacts were in. I pulled my contacts out and tossed them into the trash. I almost crawled back to my bed. I woke up two more times, and two more times I thought I was dying. Finally at 8, I retreated to the cooler living room and sat on the couch. As I am looking at my FB, I realize that I missed the loud music and the fireworks. My husband finally makes an appearance and explains to me that at 10pm, I nearly passed out, so he brought me home and went back to the barbeque. He said that our son was home with me and our daughter was living every kid's dream dancing in the firelight and roasting marsh mellows until 1am. when he brought her home. He also heard the fireworks and our attached neighbor was playing the loud music. He also planned a small get together for our son's upcoming birthday.

I spent much of that day recovering and listening to my husband pick on me for drinking two bottles of wine. I truly felt like poo. We sat down and made a plan for this get together. Two families would be invited. Each from our little dead end street. We would have a small piñata. We would serve burgers, hot dogs, and ceviche. I would make desserts, our awesome neighbor would make the cake. The weather turned cold. There was rain. The rain stopped the night before the birthday celebration. The day of was cool, but we were cooking out at 2. Our attached neighbor loaned us their big grill. We borrowed a table and chairs from our neighbor. We did not maintain social distance. The entire celebration was outside. The food was served inside. When it came time for cake, we cut my son's slice and placed the candles on it for him to blow out. It was right on the line of an appropriate celebration. What is normal now? Is this to be the reality? My son's biggest wish next to getting a computer, was to go to Tennessee to celebrate with our families. This could not happen, so we found a happy medium. My son really wanted this special girl that he has been chatting with multiple times a day online to come. I had to call her mom and explain that I could not invite her though I really wanted to. It was so awkward. Anyone who knows me, will know that I am game for all the friends to come and celebrate, but it could not be that way this year. We celebrated late into the night and then came inside and fell into an exhausted heap on the couch. Clean up took place the next day.

Yay! Online school has come to a close. We finished good, I won't say it was a strong finish. The kids and I were done. It was so hard to wake up each day and get going and then stay on task. I felt let down that we never got to go back. It was hard to do a grab and go for belongings. I met with each of the two PTOs and we tied up loose ends. One more meeting and I will no longer be on any PTO board. I am so sad by this. I love being a part of something bigger than I am .

I feel a closer connection to the families on my little dead end street than I do for most of the people I have known the entire time I have been here. As I was driving through a neighborhood doing and auction pick up, it dawned on me that new friendships have been forged. Those that we turned to during this time will be our new rock walls to lean on. Going through this was in some ways harder than facing a deployment or extended field exercise. I miss my life before this. I miss getting up and having a place to be and time to be there. I have worn mascara three times and done my full make up twice. I wear leggings daily, which is mostly normal. I have bought a lot of shoes, shoes that I am sure I won't be wearing anytime soon. Netflix and Hulu show me the outside world as if in a dream. I am not who I was before and I am sure I am not the only one whose very existence has been altered by all of this.

Things are opening up slowly. Some states you can actually eat inside of a restaurant and shop in stores. I do not know how I feel about all of this. Cautious, but also unsure of how to proceed. At which point do I admit that I was a sheep, or was I a sheep? Have I acted out of my own free will or because the Government and the media have directed my actions? What to believe? How can you really know for sure which side is right? Why does there have to be only two ways it can go? I know that I am not fully comfortable returning to normal. I know that the idea of my family moving who knows where this fall terrifies me. I am trying to think positively about going back to school. I mean, I want my kids to go back, but is it the right way for things to move forward? I think that the time for big change is upon us. I told my kids daily pay attention, learn how to use these programs, this is your future. I think that those younger than me, those who have always welcomed more chances to do things online are finally getting their dream come true. Will anyone know how to properly greet people in person? Will they all become socially distant and there be no more community gatherings? What happens to church in a building? I am so confuse about the entire thing. Unlike my husband, I tend to shy away from the media. I don't want to listen to the media picking apart everything that the POTUS says. I mean, he constantly talks to them and says and does things that will only add fuel to the fires. I am tired of conspiracy theories. I just cannot do them anymore. I have read and watched all that is put out. I want to be objective, to know both sides, but to me they are all reaching or grasping for the truth. Only God knows.

I feel even more lost than before. As one of the neighbors was getting his plate he looked to my walls with a small amount of religious pictures. When he asked if it was my husband or I who was religious, I could not even answer. I have truly lost my religion. It has been coming for awhile. Ever since we moved to Fort Drum. I feel God moving further and further away. It is me of course because he does not leave us, but I realized that I am not sad PWOC is finished. I am not sad that I cannot go worship in the church. I am relieved that I can stay in my home and drop the F bomb silently all day long. It is a pathetic existence, but it is my reality.

I think this whole stay at home thing has not been good for me mentally. I have nightmares where I see my daughter shot or where I am about to be killed. I wake myself out crying into my pillow as my husband sleeps next to me. There are days where I cannot get myself to work through it for fear that my mind will fall back into those dreams. Why am I like that? I know, because I am a lost soul. I am one of the lost. I changed my FB name to my middle name. I don't really know why I felt compelled to do this, only that it seemed the right thing to do. So now I am in this weird in between place.

The highlight of my week was when the library announced we could once again check out materials simply by sending and email with our request. It was a glorious moment to pick up new books and turn in the old books.

Mother's day was a great day. We had a picnic in the yard eating the birthday celebration leftovers. We went to the PX and my husband let my daughter pick my present. I was beyond shocked to see the designer handbag. I even offered to take it back. I am now a proud owner of a purse that cost nearly as much as our wedding ring set that I can no longer wear.

We are well. The kids are happy. My daughter outside nearly every day playing with two little boys. My middle son becoming a recluse. Wrapped up in his virtual world with his borrowed computer from the school and his new computer. He chats often with that special girl and I feel as if I know her a tad bit. I have heard him speak more to her in an hour than he does to me in a day. I hear is gleeful laughter and know that it won't be heard outside of his room. Medical is open in our state, so now the official countdown to his corrective ankle surgery is on. The last week of this month we have that, the second week of June he finally gets the final baby teeth pulled. He is scared. I am numb.

My labs were not much worse than pre stay at home, but they weren't any better. I have failed at improving them. With my husband cooking most of the meals due to my inability to care about much after school is finished, I don't have as much control. Add to this the fact that we are limited on the amount of meats we can buy. Then there is the temptation to buy or bake sweets. I am truly doomed.

But for now, I have survived, and my family has survived two months of this new normal. My husband is back to work and we are waiting to see what our next adventure will be.

Be blessed in all that you do

The Chronicals of a Not So Ordinary Mom: Reflections

As Sunday dawns chilly at first light with cloud cover, I throw aside the blankets and place my feet lightly on the floor. I am ready as ready will ever be to face yet another day inside my house, my neighborhood, my safety area.

When once I thought I would never survive inside my house, I have come to realize it is really not so bad. I have ventured out to the stores, but that leaves me feeling off. In a way I wonder if agoraphobia will become a much more recognized condition. As we become immersed in life inside our homes, we grasp the ability to do most things online. We can shop, we can bank, we can work and teach and even meet. Appearances may slide, at least for me they have. I have worn make up once in a month. I have blow dried my hair a handful of times. My go to clothes are my leggings and comfy t-shirts. For school we all get out of bed and dressed in various forms of comfy clothes. I have watched my husband become more comfortable in athletic shorts and when he goes out he will swap to khaki shorts.

 I counted up my outings from my side of post and I came up with three trips into Louisville, two of those trips my family ordered tacos to eat in the van. We have ordered cheese dip two times, we have gone inside of a Walmart two times, the commissary three times, Aldi once, and a Walmart pick up. All that since April 14.  My husband also reenlisted the first week of social distancing. This change is huge for my family. I am coming to the end of my two PTO terms, I am still on the Resident Advisory board, PWOC is now online only.

My social life is basically non existent. I should be sad, but in a small way I am relieved. I have been putting myself out there for nearly three years. I posted only pictures of me as my profile picture so people would see my face and choose me to babysit, or know that I was someone they could reach out to as the FRG Leader, The Treasurer, and Finally for the PTO and the RAB. I recently changed it to a picture of something not my face. It is back to my face, but I have now changed my fb name. I have decided to step back. To use this time to focus on me, on my family.

See for us, we are the brink of a huge change. My husband will be a recruiter by the end of this year. We will most likely be living away from the Military Community I so love and cherish. We will very likely be in a place where I am the minority. And worst of all we will have to accept that my husband might not be home for supper, might be working weekends, will be fielding phone calls at odd times. We will have to learn a new way to support him as he faces new stresses and challenges. During this time we have fully embraced our tiny family unit. We are enjoying the bike rides, the times to cook and clean and learn together. Movies on the Tv, Music blasting from the blue tooth speakers. Cuddles with the Chihuahuas.

We see our neighbors from time to time, but mostly in passing. My husband still sees his soldiers almost daily and talks to them on the phone. I still message a few of my friends, but I feel the closure of our time at this place coming. I know that I can drive away from here and remember the good times, but also know this was never a forever home. It was difficult to drive away from NNY. I was heart broken for months and struggled to find my place here. I have met many amazing women and many of them I will remain in contact with. I have been faced with the fake and the judgmental here and I know that is everywhere. I know that in many instances I was merely flitting in between, but never truly belonging. Isn't that what we all strive for? Belonging to what? I crave the company of those who have struggled and survived. Those who are educated and examples of how to become the best you.

While being here, I have learned that I am passionate about being involved and speaking up for the underdog. I have learned that I want to use my voice to advocate for those who don't have an advocate. I care about donating money to wipe out a lunchroom debt because I believe all kids should have free lunches regardless of how much money the parents make. I want to help everyone and I know and understand that there are those that you cannot help, but I still want to try. I want to speak up for those who might not be able to afford school spirit shirts and therefore their kids may not get a prize, which by the way, breaks my heart. I have come to realize that one of my strong points, might be a weak point, is the ability to see and listen to all sides. I know how it feels to have what you need and I know how it feels to not have what you need. I have so many friends from all walks of life. I have friends who have struggled with a wide range of issues. Because I am empathetic I have felt their struggles and celebrated their wins right along side of them.

Years ago when my greatest friendship turned out to be a huge lie, I realized that not everyone sees the world the way we do. I have grown from that betrayal and used that experience to grow. It was slow at first because I did not want to get close to anyone. I became more introverted than normal. But then we moved to NNY and my husband deployed. I began babysitting, I threw myself into FRG involvement, I made a friend for life. Suddenly I met others who pushed me to step out of my comfort zone. All of that led me to where I am now. I am deeply saddened to not be able to re run for a position on either PTO board. I will volunteer until we move though. But at the end of all that has transpired in the last school year, I am ready to step back. I am ready to reanalyze the friendships that I thought I had formed. I am ready to accept that for many I am just there, not a meaningful part of their lives. I am okay with this, though honesty is  that it hurts.

In the end you must take all that you learned and grow from it. My roots are getting stronger, they are growing deeper. I am learning how to navigate the world of public existence and I know that where ever we land I will grow. I am dreading all that leads up to a move. Thinking positively though, all of this social distancing will make the see you laters much easier. There will be no long drawn out goodbyes and events to attend. One day I will be here, the next packing and leaving my house and then I will be off to the next place.

Be the best you. Be open to change and not narrow minded. Embrace everyone no matter, race, belief, politics, etc. BE THE BEST YOU.

The Chronicals of a Not so Ordinary Mom: Teacher Parade

It is the Week of the Military Child. This includes Purple Up for the Military Child. On a normal year, you visit your housing office, if you live on a Military installation, for a purple pinwheel. Or you go to the local PX and get a free dandelion patch. On April 15th everyone wears a purple shirt. It is kind of a big deal if you are into all of that. Don't forget that the dandelion is the flower that represents the Military Child. This is because they are strong and resilient and used to change.

For the most part it was not a huge deal this year with all of this stuff going on. The schools on post got together and planned a teacher parade for April 15th and everyone could wear purple. Signs and banners were made and sweet anticipation rippled through the community. My kids were vibrating with excitement as the time for the first parade drew closer.

The first parade was the high school, middle school, and intermediate schools. As the kids and I stood with our sign outside of our van, we were chilly and the wind was whipping all around us. When we saw the first flashing lights of the MP, we began to squeal in delight. As they drew closer they turned on the siren momentarily and suddenly the morning air was filled with the beeping horns and shouts from the cars passing us by. As the teachers recognized my son, they would call out his name. We were so elated and full of new morale after that parade rolled on by us. Thankfully it was time for lunch break. This gave me a moment to review my own pictures, but that all my on post friends and the school fb page. I stared in awe at those videos of the parade and new deep in my hear that I had just been a part of something special, even if I was just a spectator.

Back to the grind for just a little bit. The kids each having a Google Meet. And then it was time for my daughter's school parade. The wind was much stronger this time around. The sun was high in the sky. Instead of our car being the only one in the empty lot, this time there were several and people lined up on the sidewalks. Everyone was mindful of keeping the distance. The kids were so full of excitement. You could feel the electricity from their anticipation all along the street. From our vantage point, we could see the school and when the parade began to roll out of the parking lot onto the street. The fire trucks were blowing horns, police sirens, car horns, and shouting all along the street. This parade was harder for me. Harder for my daughter. As Committee Chair for the PTO, I had spent a lot of time at this school, a lot of time talking to teachers and the other parents. Deep in my heart I knew this was a farewell of sorts.

As the last car passed us my daughter asked if we could see it again, so we hopped into the van and headed over to another neighborhood. We found a place to park and took up a spot in the island between the two streets. I was across the street from fellow PTO members and one previous PTO member. It was great to see them, but not like I thought it should be. Soon the parade was coming towards us and once again we watched those teachers roll by with joy on their faces. Again my heart felt heavy and my normally talkative daughter was quiet. Upon returning home, we called it a day.

This week were once again given a new learning platform, but this one actually gives us more control over our schedule and the time we put into it. We still have the Google meets, which is getting easier as the days go by. Today we learned that in all probability we won't return to finish out this school year. My time with the two PTOs is nearly done. I am deeply saddened that my last few months here will be spent in my home away from those who brighten my day. The great conversations and laughter and Starbucks. It is what it is and I know that this too shall pass.