The Point at Which We Are

Ever so thankful am I for technology,
 the ability to communicate when half a world is between us.


Your face is forever in my dreams
 your voice always in my ears
  your love tucked safely away in forever's chamber of the heart.


It is this same distance that is daunting
 bringing about a dual existence
  for both of us.


I am here
 with the kids
  with my familiar surroundings.


Why do they feel so alien to me?
Why do I feel as if I am floundering?


Seeking questions to my religious standing
 suddenly sure the place I was
  is not the place I am.


Where does this leave me?
How do I move forward from here?
 It is denying the kids and I the very foundation that we need.


And much deeper than that,
 how do I know for sure
  that what I am and what I believe is enough?


Faith by works,
 well in that I am severely lacking.
  I believe and hold that faith securely
   but I do not read much and attend far less than I should
    keeping it at arm's length.


But to be fair
 that is in most areas of my life
  keeping that which is not immediate at arm's length.


And just when I think I have it going on
 the kids remind me that I am not nearly so awesome as Poppy.


The speed at which I do things and the ability to deliver flawlessness is not my specialty


I feel the distance sometimes too much
 I feel the longing and the loneliness.


The future is unsure
 lots and lots of prayer needed for sure.


Is it time for a change?
 Time to move on from this season and into the next?


What about our identity?
 what about our security?
 
Our home is my sanctuary.
My place to retreat away from the world and snuggle into the couch.
 it is the same when you are near or far.
  I retreat here.


Shelter from the world is what you have given me.
 I fear the structure and demands
  the loss of my priorities as they must be second to the company's priorities.


Should I need to step outside the home and become a provider,
 you know that I would,
  but do you know it would also crush me?


I love being the wife, the homemaker, the baker, the planner, go to person for all errands.
 I love my weekends spent at home or out and about with my family.
  I love know that holidays and holiday weekends are mine to spend how I choose and with whom I choose. They are not forced to feed the hungry monster of retail greed.


But ultimately this decision will be reached through communication.
 Thankfully we will have that option this entire time.




Alwildia B. Garcia
November 22, 2015

Keeping Up Appearences

The Reality is that the last year did not adequately prepare me for what I am now facing. The Reality is that I am independent and quite capable of surviving this, even with kids.


But many days I wake as if I walked all night in dreams, heavy dreams that won't fall by the way side. Waking should mean they fall away, yet dreams are clinging. Essential oils assist me with the sleep otherwise I might never sleep. But the correct anti-dreaming combination is yet to be found.


So lost so many days. I crave companionship and conversation. Yet it is this that scares me and drives me to huddle on my couch. I sit listless and lost, confused as what I should be doing.


The motions of the life before cling to my memory, but they are hard to put in use. So many things I think I will do, but never can muster the strength to do. Even things that once brought me peace are falling aside.


Somehow I rise and get one kid to school. And home I return with the bubbly one, the one that needs me. I watch her movements. Listen to her voice and I shrink from it all.


Books bring me solace. An escape from this foggy reality. I am lost. What can I say. The one that gave us motivation and purpose is too far away.
                                                                         
The warmth we once basked in is turning to a deep cold. A grey sky that even when the sun is shining it remains bleak.


I want to reach out, I want to interact, I want to get past this, but I do not know how.


How? It is this that stumps me and leaves me feeling empty on the inside. That drives me to huddle listlessly on the couch with a book, or a TV show or eating ice cream smothered in chocolate syrup.


This is but a speed bump, I know that I will get past this. I know that it is just a mere bubble in time that has stopped and it will resume.


Enjoy what is in front of us, is so easy to say even harder to do.


Understanding from outsiders looking in doesn't come so easily. They have all the answers because they are living this dream, or in this altered reality.


Yes, I should get out more, but to do what? Who would I see? The air is cold here it isn't welcoming. I have stepped from the present into a place that doesn't change. The fact that I did change leaves me on the outside looking in.


I have knocked, I have tried, but my home is safer, warmer and free from outside judgment.


Many days I feel as if I have lost my way, that my faith is slacking. Or is it gone? Is it that I have grown from the place I was the last time I left? Or is it because I lost while I was away? How do I explain to them that express love and welcome us in that I have changed? That I think this may not be the place for me?


Agony over this. Every Single Wednesday, it is pure agony. What must I do.


Seek the answers in prayer in the good book. Yet the good book isn't the one that has been captivating me lately. There I said it.


It is here


Out there for all to see and decide how to react upon.


Pray for me






Awildia B. Garcia
November 19, 2015

This New Reality

Here we are
 the dreaded event an ongoing thing

Day by day
 we live apart
  two individuals who are in love
   married

The difficulty isn't so much in the distance
 it's in the night times
  where a muted television would be on
   light conversation

It's a reality
 in dreams only

Where in the darkness of dreams
 together they shall be




Alwildia B. Garcia
October 26, 2015
 

When the Music calls

I feel the soft refrain beginning deep in my belly,
the words of random songs begin to bubble up and spew forth
a mismatch of different songs different genres different moods

All sung horribly out of tune.

When the music calls my soul can't help but to answer
to find the peace that is sought
to answer the questions

When the music calls there is a message
an overwhelming emotion that becomes a tsunami of feelings

electricity runs through my body
I begin to feel my body moving to a beat that only my heart can hear
tapping itself out through each song

I find my computer and pull up my song lists
sometimes I crave the dark or the angry
sometimes I crave the undying love and loss
sometimes I just need a mix
I need to feel my sexuality pulsing within and without

When the music calls
I become who I am
the person that many will never see
and even less would understand

I hear the message buried in the words
the music speaking to me
a coded message that my body must spell out.

Today the songs flowed forth
the random notes flowing out of me
the silly dances

My heart is singing
the call of the hills reeling me in
the time draws near

A return to my home in my heart
a return to chaos and cold and friendship
new beginnings and goings without

Tonight I poured a glass of Sangria
I grabbed my laptop and my essential oils
to my bedroom my retreat
to let out my emotions

As my husband looks on
confused
and curious
handsome
sometimes distant
with a hint of serious
and a tad of play

I am a lioness throughout
she must roar
it is so hard to keep her in rein sometimes

Essential Oils do help

So does the wine

But my mind craves addiction
wine must be a low priority

I must love
I must be free
I must remain me

I am me
I am mighty
I am confused sexy jealous crazy caring and overflowing with love

I am me

When the music calls




August 11, 2015
Alwildia B. Garcia

Business Communications Paper/ I made a 100!

For this paper I have chosen Scenario 3. I have chosen a topic that I feel there is a lot of judgement toward and how social media can turn the emotions of readers. This post was my response to children being left in hot vehicles and the judgement that followed. I felt that not everyone guilty of this act were bad people. It is my opinion that good people make mistakes. The title of this blog post is “Not all of us are an Expletive #@!#@!” This is my personal account of leaving my child in the hot car completely by mistake. http://freeingthevoiceswithin.blogspot.com/2014/07/not-all-of-us-are-expletitive.html.

            This is an example of how social media and the news media outlet can take an issue and blow it up into a tidal wave of either praise or judgement. This is one of the subjects that people are very quick to jump on a band wagon of persecution without a fair trial. I am a social media junkie. I read all the headlines and most of what is trending, but I try not to comment very often. But this is frowned upon now, plus all vehicles come standard with air conditioning, so windows are rarely rolled down.

 During my research the common denominator for children being left in hot cars began with a routine change. This is also what happened to me. I was a mother to three children, it was my youngest I left in the car. I found an article from Parents magazine that told the story of three parents who had left children in hot cars. Two of the children passed away on one was okay. But all three of the parents were devastated and stated that there was a change of routine on the day it happened.

           

I found it interesting that this is a relatively new problem. From 1990 to 1992 there were only 11 reported deaths of children from heatstroke caused by being left in a hot car. This is before there were airbags. After this the car seats were moved to the back seat to protect children. In 1995 there were 63 child air bag deaths. Kids are safer in the backseat, but they are also in more danger in the backseat, especially when they are under age two.

Fast forward to a time of rear-facing seats, tinted windows, standard air conditioning in the vehicles, and technology. We as adults tend to be more distracted. Many moms are constantly shuttling kids from point A to point B and home. There is homework to be done, supper to be cooked, and baths to be given. And running in the background is technology. When one parent’s mistake of leaving a child in a hot car unattended and the media gets wind of it, it isn’t long before it is trending on social media. Once it hits social media it’s a dart board of judgement. It makes me cringe at what people will write about a person they have never met. A situation that they know nothing about. The commenter always has all the answers for a perfect world/scenario. But real like isn’t like what you can find written in the comments. This is how I came upon the title and the idea for my blog post in July of 2014.

According to Dr. Diamond there are two different parts of the brain at work all of the time. The basal-ganglia is the “background system” that also controls your habits. When you do an action over and over the action becomes automatic and is controlled by the basal-ganglia. The frontal cortex and the hippocampus is the part of the brain that controls new information. The frontal cortex and the hippocampus compete with the basal-ganglia. When learning a new task or do something different then the frontal cortex and the hippocampus must override the basal-ganglia’s strong desire to perform duties or tasks out of habit.

            Once this type of story trends on social media there is no escaping it. The story will trend for a week or longer then go away, only to be re-shared or brought back to the forefront by a similar case. It is easy for people to hide behind the internet and make scathing remarks about someone with no fear of retaliation.

It is important to be vigilant when you have small children with you in the car. Even though I did leave my nursing cover and my wallet in the backseat with my daughter, I still forgot her. I have heard that you can leave one shoe in the backseat, or your cellphone. The article in Parent’s magazine suggested your briefcase or your purse. They also said to have a plan in place for a change of routine. You can call the childcare center and let them know you will or will not be bringing your child, and if you are bringing the child, but don’t show up, you can have them call you. You may also call the spouse that is dropping off the child and make sure they remember to do so.  Another idea could be a practice run if there is going to be a change of routine. It could be a fun ride for the kids on a lazy Saturday afternoon. Load everyone in the car and drive through the new routine to back up the learning of a new routine process.

The other important thing to remember about social media is that anyone can find out about you through Google. It is not uncommon for prospective employers to look up your Facebook or Instagram and Twitter accounts. My rule of thumb is post exactly what I would normally share with friends and family. When I shared the link to my original blog post I only received a few comments from close friends. Most were surprised at how low I had felt about myself and my situation at that time. It was confusing to me how someone could say to my face that accidents happen and it is okay because my daughter was fine, but that same person could bash and slander a person they never met for the exact same mistake.

The fact that I have this blog post of my personal experience could hurt me one day if I were to ever apply to drive a daycare van and they came across the blog post. They might read it and thing I’m negligent. Unfortunately social media isn’t going anywhere and this issue will only get worse.

REFERENCES:

http://www.parents.com/baby/safety/car/danger-of-hot-car-for-children/ Andrea Birch for Parent’s Magazine. Article originally posted June 2014

http://freeingthevoiceswithin.blogspot.com/2014/07/not-all-of-us-are-expletitive.html Bonnie Manjarrez July 2014

 

 

 

 

 

           

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Not all of us are an Expletive !#@!#@!

Lately there have been a lot of stories about parents leaving children in hot vehicles. If you pull up the articles it is almost always a negligent parent. If you read the comments they are full of hate and judgment. The amount of foul language and hate directed at these parents is far worse than anything found in a scary movie. But have you ever took a step back after reading a story and wondered if that parent was really a piece of #@!!? Have you ever considered what they said that day and thought, that could have been me? No most people do not, maybe because they consider their routine fool proof, or they are always on top of their game. I mean after all don't we automatically think oh they were out doing drugs, going to the bar, or just plain heartless. But one hot summer day my thoughts on this subject turned and here is why.

My husband was gone, it was five months into a year long deployment. I had moved from our duty station to our home state of Tennessee. I had a 7 1/2 old baby who was exclusively breastfed. I had a four year old son who went to Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy, and Physical Therapy. All of which were several days a week one hour from our home. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed, lonely, and it was so hot and humid.

Here it was June, and it was hot! The air conditioner in our house wasn't working. I had already done my research and thought that we had a least until the end of summer before a decision had to be made. But one day we came home from therapy and the house was extremely hot, unbearable. My oldest son had come to stay, so I have three kids in this very hot house. I'm upset and stressed because now I have to explain to my husband via Skype what is going on and that this expense will be now, not August. I contact the people I had chosen to do the installation, but there was a lot of paperwork involved. So I drag three kids with me to the Electric Department to start the process. The clincher is I won't know for sure we are approved until later that day, and then I have to come in and sign the final paperwork. Of course I find out at the very end of the business day that I am approved and the paperwork will have to be finished the next day.

A family from our church offered us a place to stay, so we wouldn't have to spend the night in our hot house. So we all went to their house. The next day was a much anticipated church trip. There would be lots of yummy food, boating, swimming, and fellowship. We were all so very excited. This is where things start to come apart for me. I cannot ever fully get my emotions or exhaustion down into words. Unless you have been there, you won't understand. I had brought all of our clothes for the church trip, all of the things that three kids will need for this type of outing. I was not staying in my own house, I hadn't slept well because I shared a twin size bed with my four year old who also ended up wetting the bed. I had been up at least twice to nurse the baby and my oldest son who was sleeping on the floor snored. To say I really didn't sleep well would be an understatement.

A beautiful June day dawns bright and hot. I wake up ready to sign the paperwork. I have one very excited boy ready to get this day going. I have one cranky four year old and my little baby girl. I've only got about an hour or so before we need to be at the church. Rather than drag all the kids with me to sign papers, it is agreed that my two older kids would stay with the family and I would come back and get them. I'm not really sure what was going on with me on this day, but I know I wasn't my normal put together self.

I put my beautiful daughter into her car seat carrier, place her in the back seat of the car. Honestly I think I only had a wallet and my nursing cover with me because it was such a short errand and the family lived very close to the Electric Department. So I get there, I park, I get out, I walk inside give them my name. I stand there by the desk just waiting. Not really thinking. Maybe two minutes later they call my name and I reach down for the carrier. It wasn't there! I remember half yelling, half telling them that I left my baby in the car and then ran for the door, I ran fast. I know I made a scene,  that is how fast I ran. All I could think of was my irresponsibility, my baby. I got to the car and as I opened the rear door, I saw her just looking around not even crying.

I pulled the carrier out and I put it on the trunk and looked at her beautiful face and realized just how lucky I had been, but at the same time how stupid. This was my third child! I had never left any of my kids until this moment in a hot car. I returned to the building shaking and almost sobbing. I did what I had to do and they were kind enough not to pass judgment to my face. I'm sure they did after I left, after all isn't that human nature? I remember sitting there telling the lady over and over that I had never done this before and how awful I felt.

The reason this happened to me, was because I had been living in a fog. I rarely slept more than five hours a night. I got up early and drove an hour away from my house no less than three days a week and sat there while my son did his therapy then returned home to nap on the couch. I was always nursing my daughter, I just let her nurse all the time. I mean isn't that the purpose of EBF? My middle son would watch television most of the day. When my oldest would come over he played with the neighbor kids. I walked a fine line between sanity and insanity. I was very depressed. Deployment didn't sit well with me. I hated it when things went wrong and I had to find the solution. I hated making huge financial decisions without my husband being there to talk it out with me.

And then this particular day I woke up in someone else's house, I got three kids ready for a church outing, I took only my baby with me to sign paperwork. Normally my four year old would be there, I would have to open the door for him, but he wasn't with me that morning and somehow that wiped the "get the kids out of the car" part of my brain clear.

To this day I beat myself up over this. I look at my daughter and I say a quick thank you to God for letting her come out of this okay. I mean we are talking five minutes or less, but that is a long time to be alone in a car. This will never happen again, not to my kids. I will never let myself get that far lost in a fog again.

But to instantly judge a parent who forgot to take their child to day care or on some other errand is wrong. The media sensationalizes a lot of what we see. Sometimes accidents really do happen to good people. I was one of those people. I am always told that I am a strong woman, I am a wonderful mother, and my favorite, I have it all together. But as you can see by my story, I don't always have it together and I too make mistakes.

Be aware of your children and your surroundings, don't be negligent because sometimes the outcome is much worse than this one. But also be compassionate toward those who did make an honest mistake. Not everyone is a piece of #@!#! for leaving a child in the car. We don't know the struggles of each person we encounter whether it be in the news or in person. Let he who is perfect cast the first stone.

I think the diaper bag on the front seat is a great piece of advice, if I would have brought my diaper bag it would have been a different scenario. Instead I had my wallet and the nursing cover which were in the car seat with my daughter. Normally I keep my wallet in my diaper bag.

This is just my story, it not a way to say that everyone who does this is innocent, just a way to say unless you have been in my shoes or the shoes of someone who was a good person who did this do not judge.

After Sun Care

As you know by now I live in El Paso, also known as Sun City, or a fellow blogger, coffee matters, used to call it the surface of the sun. So you see the trend here? There is a lot of sun. Being fair skinned I am prone to getting a sun burn simply by walking to the mail box. There is very little shade here. I usually forgot to apply sunscreen also.

Last weekend we spent two full days in the sun. They were fun filled days and there are no regrets, well outside of having had this awful sunburn on my neck, shoulders, arms, upper back and chest. But I'm a Wellness Advocate now, so I have doTerra Essential Oils on hand, therefore a solution to the problem.

Yes, you can use Aloe Vera, and yes there is even a recipe for sun relief with Aloe Vera in it, but I don't like Aloe Vera.

I made my own mixture. I used the solid Coconut oil and about ten drops of lavender. I mixed them up in a small mason jar and then applied liberally.










 

This is the next day, not quite as red

Day One, and yes I look not so great, hubby was kind enough to point out that maybe this picture shouldn't be shared. :)


 

By the third day this is the result


I guess you could say that I never learn, because this is from yesterday when I took the kids to a carnival. Well actually it is the next day, my shoulders and arms were as red as my chest. This is the next day after using my mix the night before and very early this morning.

 

 

 

 

I am very pleased with the essential oils. I love how they smell very nice and they are all natural. I like being able to make my own mixtures at home. A 15ml bottle of oil has 240 drops in it. A little goes a long way. I bought my solid coconut oil at Wal-Mart for under $8.

 

 

 

 

Daniel 7:13

 

In my vision at night I looked, and there before me was one like a son of man, coming with the clouds of heaven. He approached the Ancient of Days and was led into his presence.