On this quiet Saturday night I am sitting here reflecting on where I was just one year ago. It seems so long ago, yet just like yesterday. I find myself wondering if I have cherished every moment properly, if I have lived fully, and took deep calming breaths.
September 20, 2013 found me in Tennessee. I cannot for the life of me remember if I was cold or hot, but I lean more toward warm. I had recently come through a turning point in my motherhood journey with my daughter.
On Friday August 16, 2013 I suffered a kidney stone attack. Lucky for me and my kids I had my Dad along with us in Nashville. I was so sick and hurting so badly. I was looking at my baby girl. My last little baby, my baby that through so many challenges I had made to 9 1/2 months of breastfeeding. I knew that when we headed to the hospital that odds were I was finished as a nursing mother. So while I am waiting for my son to finish his therapy I pick up my sweet baby girl and nurse her. I know for a fact it was 12:30 p.m. on that day. I remember holding her as tight as she would let me and cherishing the blessing of having almost made it to my one year goal. My heart was breaking just as badly as the pain was strong.
We got to the hospital and my Dad couldn't come to the back with me because he had the kids. But the plan was for him to take the kids back to our hometown and I would find someone that could help him out. I remember lying there in the hallway of that hospital. I was surrounded by other patients and doctors and nurses. I was crying and telling the nurses over and over that I was a breastfeeding mother. I was clinging to the hope that I could still nurse even though the pain was staggering and I knew this was going badly. This one nurse finally asked me how old my baby was and when I told her that she was 9 1/2 months she patted me on the shoulder and said "Honey you should be proud you made it this far, most women don't" Her words were only somewhat comforting. I appreciate how the doctor tried to find a way for me to continue nursing and how kind he was when he had to break it to me that it just wasn't going to happen. The infection in my kidneys was really bad. They had to give me an antibiotic through IV while I was there and would be sending me home with another one to take for ten days.
I ended up spending my birthday in a hospital an hour away from my hometown. It was an extremely depressing weekend. My husband was deployed during this time, and he was unable to be there with me. On that Friday our kids were shuffled from my Dad to our Pastor's home and finally to another family's home. I was so grateful to each of these families for opening their homes to my children until we could get them to my Husband's Aunt on that Saturday.
All of this lead me to getting a procedure done two weeks later that would leave me with a drainage bag for one week and the time frame was getting closer to my departure to Texas date. It was a crazy time. A time that taught me that there are many kind people out there who are willing to step in and lend a hand. During my last month in Tennessee because of the stint that was in my kidney until the procedure in early September I was very limited on what I could do. The hardest one for me was not to lift my daughter because she was over the weight limit I was allowed to lift. Several families from our church came with meals, they came to talk to me, they came to give my kids baths, to play with them, to help me clean my house. I was so moved by the kindness that was bestowed upon me and my family. This was a hard time for me, I was struggling with so many changes, with who I was and where I belonged. I was hurt by a person that had been like my family for so many years. But God was there for me and my kids during this dark time.
So the drainage bag was removed on Monday September 16, just ten days before my friend from Texas flying in to help the kids and I drive back to Texas. I remember the day that silly drainage bag was removed. My Dad rode with my oldest son and I. The youngest kids were staying with a very dear friend of mine. We had a little bit of a challenge finding this office that is going to remove the drainage bag. We get there and it is a very crowded office. Now my son was so excited, he wanted to see them remove that little hose thing from my back. He was really fascinated by that drainage bag, for me it was disgusting and annoying and it leaked so easily. One day he even had two of the neighbor kids come over to look at that nasty thing. But anyway, we get there and the receptionist cannot find my name on the books. Almost panic sets in. I'm worried because I have driven an hour to get here, I have only this day to get rid of this thing, I am leaving very soon. So they call me into the back and ask me to have a seat. I sit down with my son and we wait. We are chattering and I'm trying to send a happy birthday text to a friend of mine. My son starts grabbing the phone and somehow it goes out "Happy Birthday" but it had ended up texting a funny name. I was so embarrassed that I had called her a name and we were laughing. Well we heard two nurses arguing about how they do so much more work than another nurse and why should they be the ones that have to do this, it isn't there job, it isn't on the schedule and then one of them exits that room. Her stunned look at seeing us at the other end of the hall and realizing that we must have heard the exchange was priceless. My son and I couldn't help but bust out into laughter, deep belly rolling laughter. It felt so good. One of the nurses did end up pulling that cord out of my back. It was such a simple thing.
The nurse placed a bandage over that tiny hole in my back. She explained to me that it would leak for just a couple of hours and then it would scab over. By leaking we are talking urine. I am here to tell you that was one of the grossest experiences I have ever had. I remember that I was wearing yoga pants because they were easier to conceal a drainage bag, and I had on an Army physical fitness shirt. I felt so free when I left there, almost like I was floating on a cloud.
Afterwards my Dad took my son and I to Historic downtown Franklin. I remember when I got out of the car that my back was wet and I was horrified. But my Dad and Son being the men that they are, shrugged it off and said no one would notice that it wasn't that wet. Now I am beginning to feel the full effects of nasty. I mean it is bad enough to sneeze and leak, but to be leaking from your back, now come on that was a joke. Anyway, we head down the street and in this one antique specialty store I saw a sink in the back with paper towels. I also saw two sales ladies eyeing me and I finally approached them because I wanted one of their paper towels so badly. I wanted to stop the warm liquid that was rolling down my back and making me feel gross. They complied and let me have a few and I quickly made my exit. After we were done looking at the stores and my Dad had gotten my son a yoyo, we went to a specialty yogurt shop. It was one of those places where they give you a cup and you fill it up with the ice cream and toppings you like and pay by the pound. It is lunch time, but on this day, this is lunch. Oh it was so sweetly yummy!
This day was warm and sunny and had a melancholy feel to it. I dreaded returning back home because I knew it meant that the wheels of time were going to roll. That changes were coming and see you laters were right around the corner. I knew it was going to be hard on my sons more so than me. In so many ways I was eager to go, eager to flee the realization that this was our home of record, but not our home. The betrayal of a friend in late June made me angry and hurt and ready to move on. The hardest part was knowing that my last days of waking up with all three of my kids under one roof was drawing to a close.
During this time I grew so close to a friend that before I had known, but not really known. She stayed with my kids and I for a week. That week was one of the best weeks I spent in Tennessee. I remember how warm it was during the day, how the sun was so bright. She helped with my kids. We talked. She slept on the couch while my daughter slept in the baby swing next to the couch. She fed my daughter in the middle of the night. She cleaned up the baby puke that my own sister was reluctant to do. My oldest son and her were like oil and water and their exchanges made everyone around laugh. I dreaded saying see ya later to her and her sweet little boy. But I had to get back to Texas, I had to leave the home town comforts, after all we were going to have my husband back shortly after our arrival.
I took my son to our little down town. We looked in all my favorite stores, because this would be my last chance for a long time. I bought a metal bracelet that was made from a Tennessee license plate. I bought a T shirt from my favorite coffee shop. While there my son and I ate the best salads in that town and drank unsweetened raspberry ice tea, so very yummy.
Life was a mixture of slowing down and speeding up. I was ready, I wasn't ready. I was trying to commit all my favorite smells, and sights to memory. I was marveling how calm a small town Saturday night could be. I was trying to soak up every moment with my oldest son. To hug each of my three kids as much as possible because when I rolled out on September 27, that would be the last time I saw my son until very possibly the next summer. I was trying not to cry, I was crying. I was realizing that all of the things I took for granted would be a mere memory in days.
Excitement was also flowing through my veins. I had a time frame for my husband's home coming. It was all the craziness of Army. It was changing minute to minute and I was calling the FRG leader almost daily just to make sure I wasn't losing my mind, that what I thought was the ball rolling toward our home coming really was.
And so this was the just the beginning of the one year story. This was the moments before it all began before it all became like a fast moving dream. I was saying good bye to my favorite Children's hospital. The place where my daughter had her surgery, my son got tubes in his ears, a small heart catheter. To the ENT doctor who had helped diagnose and treat my daughter and then solved my son's speech issues and set us on the path to getting him hearing aides. This was the place where he did speech, occupational, and physical therapy. This was part of the same hospital that did my surgery. So I bought a T shirt from the gift shop. For months after returning to Texas I would wear that shirt to every single specialist and regular doctors appointment whether it was for my kids or myself. I wanted everyone to know that I was used to outstanding care for my children and would settle for nothing less. This is an area that God is working with me on. An area that to this day I struggle to find the calm and patience to deal with the difficult task of getting my kids set up with a new care plan.
But God brought us through ten months in Tennessee, we came back here and he is still here with us. I am so thankful for this experience. For all that God has done for us. For this journey over the last year where I have learned so much about myself and this place we are calling home.
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