Mother's Day Jitters

It's here, Mother's Day. Am I excited? Or hoping for a huge surprise? Even better, do you think that I am in anticipation that it will be different than any other day?

The answer is NO.

I will still be the one that wakes up early with the kids. The hubby will appear closer to nine after the kids have been awake for at least two hours. We will cook breakfast together.

This is one of the holidays that I really struggle with. I get knots in my stomach because I want it to be such a magical day, but it rarely is.

On Mother's day this year we will be celebrating our son's sixth birthday. It was my idea. We want to take him to Chucky Cheese and on this particular day it should be nearly empty. Plus it will deflect most attention away from me.

I cannot deal with this day.

My oldest son was born nearly 15 years ago. My first Mother's Day was spent at a park with him, my sister and my Dad. My dad was there mostly out of pity. When you have a child out of wedlock, and the father of the child isn't around, well there isn't really anyone left to celebrate the day with you. My son picked up my old 35mml camera and tossed it into the creek just like the rocks he had been throwing.

The year he turned three I celebrated Mother's Day the night before at a bar. I got super drunk, rode home with a  friend, puked in their car, they helped me put on a fresh shirt, none of this do I remember. I stumbled hung over into my job at the library only to try and hide in the corners for the entire four hours I was there.

Years later I had a semi-memorable mother's day as I was expecting my second son. I was huge. My hubby went to work, I took my older son to church. We came home. My husband was a waiter and had to work that day, he did bring me home a rose. The next day we welcomed our son. A few days before this I did get some Paris Hilton perfume and a bag.

As time goes forward, each Mother's day has just been a day. We may go out to eat at a very crowded restaurant. Or like last year I suffered a huge migraine, but laundry had to be done. We did eat out, but once coming back to our apartment, I had to face reality. I got that laundry started, waited for it to be put in the washer and then took a small nap. It was such a frustrating day. I was so angry.

I should be appreciative of all that I have. Three beautiful children, one of which I haven't talked to in a week, which is starting to weigh me down. I have a husband who works and allows me to stay home with the kids. Never mind that this also includes all the house work, breakfast, and supper most days, and now I am trying to go to school.

So many days I spend angry. Angry at my situation. I cannot figure out where this anger comes from. Or the self-loathing that I very often feel.

I am fat and disgusting because my muffin top is the size of a three month pregnancy. I am angry because I need to mop the floors almost every day due to my daughter's potty training accidents. I am angry because I have no control of the next chapter of my life and everything is being turned upside down.

Yet I am in love with my husband, love my children and love being at home with them. I try to find the positives. But maybe I am not trying hard enough. Most everyone says that unhappiness comes from the lack of God in your life. But I struggle so much with this.

I love God, I believe Jesus died on the Cross for my sins. I do unto others as I would have them do unto me. I do not covet my neighbors spouse. Yes, I do have some jealousy. But let's be honest my husband has a rocking body for a 31 year old and he is funny and mysterious in a way that would attract a lot of women. And there is me. Long wild hair, old clothes that don't fit so well, barely there makeup, outgoing, dedicated, hard working, loyal, yet dumpy in appearance.

I've tried to get help, but I don't feel like that is working. I just want to go to a therapist and talk and talk and talk about everything. I want to get my anger at my own mother that I sometimes harbor out. I want to forgive her and I think that I have, but then Mother's day rolls around.

Then I must go to the card section and find a card that is the least amount of sappy and a lie. I must find something that will hopefully reach her and make her smile. My husband asked me if I wanted to send $50 dollars to my mother. I actually snorted in response! Not happening ! I was happy with the choice of a roller bottle of essential oils for stress.

And I know I have to call her tomorrow. I have to act like I am happy and that I actually care, but do I? All the while I will be carrying on with my normal day. Nothing will make it stand out from any other day.




Deuteronomy 5:16 Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go will with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you.