May 19, 1995
I graduated high school.
An inwardly angry and self-centered young lady. One who had the potential to love, and to be so much more.
Full of unrealized potential, dreams that slipped through fingers like sand.
Join the Marines, be an MP.
It all changed in Art History.
It all goes back to the moment I chose Typing Two over English Composition.
Fear
Of the unknown and applying myself.
To stand out meant that those who enjoyed singling me out would have no trouble finding me.
Lack of full parental support at home and a combative mother at.
The one true best friend I ever had moved away in 8th grade.
I had a circle, we called ourselves the Black Triangle. We wore all black, we hung out on the weekends.
Senior year things started to shift.
"True love" had found me.
A job that I was sure could carry me into the future. Hardees, a shift supervisor. Too young and immature to fully embrace the opportunity.
When my mother made a decision to require more rent than I made in a week, it became a push.
Away I went to live with my true love. In tumult and stress and no idea how to be adults.
If I were to have the chance to go back and change things where would I start?
Probably that day in fourth grade where I was sitting outside with my friends during recess. To the moment they were discussing college, and my Dad's words came out of my mouth. "I won't go to college"
Well guess what? I didn't.
I struggled so hard to fit in. To dress like all the other girls, to have the perfect hair and makeup. Oh and a boyfriend.
Boys were not naturally drawn to me. In fact most of them avoided me like the plague.
I walked a different path, a silent self-destructing path that only my closest friends knew about.
Pain turned my heart dark.
Hurt made me lash out too easily.
Fear made me avoid things that could change my path.
And I did not know God
If I could go back, I would have changed this, that my father would have taken us to church. That I could have no fear and would have played ball, or run track.
I would steer clear of those who had no ambition, who broke the rules even though I did not. I was lost and had no idea I was lost.
I would have applied myself in school. Studied harder. Volunteered more. I would have taken English Composition and the Computer Class.
Instead of choosing classes that kept me to a lunch time with friends. And a class that could lay the foundation for college and future employment.
For me it was surviving. It was reaching my magical 18th birthday. It was becoming free of my mother and what I thought was my fathers over dominance.
Graduation would have seen me heading into the Marines, and college classes on the side. Yes, I would have conquered the world.
But God had a plan. I walked this path in order to become the me that I am now.
I experienced a lot of pain and loss and heart ache. Most due to bad decisions. Very often turning away from God when he tried to reach me.
Even after my oldest was born I wanted to be good.
But I felt I was bad to the core and bad girls don't get happy endings.
The few opportunities I had to improve my situation, I blew them. I ran off the good guys. I manipulated them.
Once enrolled in a Tech School I blew it. It was hard for me. I was a single mom. I was working after school. I was tired. I was lonely. I wanted someone to understand. So when introduced to the party scene, well it seemed like the way to go.
Yes, I have let dreams go.
I have also picked up the pieces and moved on.
I am a mother of three, finally enrolled in college classes. I am married to an amazing man chosen for my by God. Through him I have learned to become a much kinder and more understanding person and how better to eat, cook, and save money.
I am finally living the dream that all those before tried to crush. I am a stay at home mom. I do make cookies, and sweet breads. I am becoming quite proficient at navigating my way around the kitchen.
My strengths are far different than they were 20 years ago.
Forgiveness was hard to come by, more so to forgive myself. My children are my life. My husband is my rock.
I am no longer bound to that tiny little town where I was just getting by. I am learning to live in a big city. I am learning to rely on God, on my fellow peers, and most importantly my husband.
Still close to my dad, but at a distance. Still very little hope for a new relationship with my mother, but the distance keeps me sane and safe from the darkness that wants my soul.
God is great.
He saves even those that are lost and buried in the darkness.
He throws them a life line and even when they are disobedient he is there with a hand out ready to save them from themselves.
This is not anywhere close to what I thought I would write. But it is worded exactly the way it needs to be.
If you are graduating high school, know now that the path to true adulthood is not paved. There are no clear signs on how to proceed. You make decisions and you must learn to live with the consequences whether they be good or bad.
At nearly 39 I finally feel like I have come into my own. I finally feel like I am adult. My confidence is still struggling but it is stronger than ever before.
I still suffer from body image issues and self worth issues, but I am over coming them. I am learning how to manage my anxiety. I am learning to let go and let God. I have accepted that I may never hear my mother say "I love you" and mean it.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son so that we could be saved from sin
No comments:
Post a Comment