Driving Through Cincinnati

I am really just a small town girl at heart. While living in El Paso, I had to put on my big girl panties and drive. I did my very best to avoid I-10 and other high traffic areas including bridges that terrified me. In the back of my mind I always remembered Cincinnati Ohio. For me, it was one of the scariest places that I had ever driven. I remembered in early 2000 coming through that city. We were heading North from Tennessee to Michigan. As we were crossing the bridge I noticed two trucks, one with a flat bed trailer. They were crossing the lanes and driving crazy, well what I considered crazy. As we were beginning to exit the city there was a line of cars in front of me and then those two drivers. Somehow they had collided and were in the process of crossing from the left lanes to the right lanes and off into the shoulder. I hit my brakes just as the cars in front of me were also hitting theirs. As a first time ever pregnant woman, I was so shaken that I had to stop at the next exit to let my Dad take over. My Dad who had been driving that stretch of highway for many years. Even this past summer when I headed to Michigan with my Dad and kids, I was extremely cautious in Cincinnati. I made it through going and coming to Michigan with no issues.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that when my husband and I move to New York, that we would pass through this city. I was both excited and nervous. I worked out driving directions with my Uncle and my Dad. This would be my husband's first time into Northern Kentucky, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New York. This would be my first trip to drive this stretch of highway by myself. Having grown up with relatives in Michigan, this highway was just a permanent part of my memories. And there was one summer where I traveled with those relatives into Pennsylvania and a small part of New York. My excitement was nearly uncontainable.

We stopped just outside of Louisville. I went over the directions that I had from my Uncle and my Dad. I read them and explained them to my husband. He is very often clueless about directions. Usually we get lost wherever we go. We had made it this far without any mishaps and I was feeling good but cautious.

I was confident in my handwritten directions. I had already used the ones that my Dad provided on how to get to Cincinnati. It felt abnormal to go different ways than the GPS was telling me. We used the Gene Snyder Highway in Kentucky to bypass Louisville. This was a way that my Dad had come to accept as normal, but the GPS instructs you to take the bypasses. I knew all the while that my husband was blindly following the taillights on the small car I was driving. I picked this car to be the lead car because I trusted it. It was smaller, though full. The Van is my favorite, but it was fully loaded, I felt like it had low visibility due to the amount of stuff crammed in it. I also did not feel like it was as nimble as the car. I had the directions, and I was familiar with at least part of this drive, so I was the lead car. What I did not realize is that Cincinnati would not be the same drive as I remembered.

When we started nearing Cincinnati I reread my directions as I am driving. Then I called my husband and went over them with him. Then I gripped the steering wheel, said a quick prayer to God that we made it through.

Coming into Cincinnati from Kentucky, there was a lot of construction. At first I did not recognize the city I knew so well in childhood memories. I call my Dad. My poor Dad who is trying to spend quality time with my sister and son in Tennessee. I begin asking him where I am. What should I be seeing? Why are there signs about tunnels? I do not remember tunnels. He tries to tell me where I am and what to expect. I hang up and continue to drive. I am nearing the Ohio River and the massive bridge. I call my Dad and ask him yet again where am I? Do you remember a round building?Yes he says he remembers odd shaped buildings, I scream that I am on the bridge and hang up.

 

Now I am driving across the bridge. I am driving across the bridge in a lot of traffic. I begin to panic. I feel my heart rate increase. I feel as if I cannot draw a deep enough breath. I begin praying and saying I need an oil, I need an oil. I managed to grab a chapstick out my bag just before I crossed the bridge but even squeezing it tightly was not making me feel any better despite it's tropical smell.

 

I am gripping the wheel tightly, I am not looking out my window at the mighty river below me. I don't even think I told my son we were crossing the river.

 

This is the back of my white car. My silly husband is behind me in the van taking pictures while I am in the midst of having a panic attack while driving across this bridge!

Then we are beyond the bridge. I check the mirror to confirm my husband made it through and that he is behind me. I feel somewhat calmer as I notice him behind me. And then the panic begins again as my GPS begins telling me to go left when my written directions tell me to go right. I call my Dad who is trying to be patient and encouraging while telling me I am now in uncharted territory and he has never gone this way. That did nothing but panic me more. So I just prayed and grabbed my bag and desperately pawed through it for an oil. My son is oblivious to my plight in the front. My dog is sleeping as I am screaming "Why the f*** is there construction??? Why did we have to get here during rush hour?" 

I cannot properly translate how tightly I was gripping the steering wheel with one hand while quickly applying an oil blend with vetiver on my arms, neck, and forehead. Then I dropped it in my lap and focused because by golly, we did go through a tiny tunnel and I did say the very bad word numerous times loudly.

And then it was over. We survived. I did not cry, only screamed. I did not cause an accident and my husband did not get lost. This was a crazy experience. I had to do this correctly. I was the lead car and my husband was behind me taking pictures and enjoying the sights. I likened this turn to the right toward Columbus as similar to driving through Dallas TX. I had no memories of this side of Cincinnati.

At the next stop as I am asking my husband what he thought of Cincinnati, he says oh I took some pictures. It wasn't too bad. Men. That is all that I am saying on this matter.


October 21, 2016

 

Javier the Chihuahua Moves to New York State

 

I am a tiny little dog. A tiny little Chihuahua to be specific. I don't take up much space. I try to be patient with my humans, even the annoying little human girl. I have been with this family for many dog years. They let me come to live with them when I was in a very hot place. This hot place made me want to stay inside all day. Then one day they let some strange humans take me home, and when I came back the entire house was empty! I was really scared, but the big human girl swooped me up and comforted me. The next place was very green and full of new animal smells. My space was so large at first I was scared, but then it became my space. I began to wander wherever my little doggie heart wanted to go. I always came back to the big female human. She cuddles me a lot. I really think she thinks I am a new puppy because I am so small.

When we got to the green place that smelled so nice, I met the scariest human I had ever seen!

 

This human was so smelly and loud! He scared me every chance he got. I tried to make myself small, but he could still see me. He even licked my nose! In this new place that is much colder and wet, I have not seen him. Maybe he did not come, he was not in either of the cars that I rode in.

 

One day I noticed that the big female human began putting things in boxes. That makes me nervous. I do not like boxes. I worry that they will leave me behind. My human Mom assures me this will not be the case. Then one day strangers showed up with even more boxes. They were loud and everything was disappearing before my eyes. I decided that if I crawled under a blanket, everything might return to normal.

 

 

Nothing returned to normal, instead it got worse!

 

The next thing I knew they were putting stuff into the big car and little car. I was running behind them and trying to make sure they did not forget me. As I watched more and more stuff disappear into the cars, I realized that they might leave me. There just did not appear to be enough room for me. Oh, I was so scared!

 

Then my human Mom scooped me up and put me in the big car. I had just enough room.

I ended up in the small car with the little human boy and my human mom. At one point I was so cold! Then my human mom covered me up with my warm blanket. That made me feel better. When she first put my blankets in the car with out me, I was really scared! When I went inside the house, I didn't want move from the blanket pile they left for me in the floor. Even when they wanted to cuddle with me, I was still scared.

As we went along, we stopped at a lot of places where the smells were amazing. I got to walk around and make pee everywhere. My heart felt full, but I was nervous that I might get lost from my humans.

The next day the big human man put me in the big car with him. I was so scared without my human mom. I really wanted to jump out the window to be with her. This was not my favorite part of the ride. The big human man made me ride with the scary little human girl. She squeezes me too hard. She is okay when she is sleeping and sharing her blanket, but I do not like it when she is awake and being loud.

This is the worst place to ride!

It was nice when the big human boy would scratch my belly and the warm sunlight was shining on me.

I also enjoyed sitting on this giant pile of soft stuff and looking out the window.

I even sat up here!

I am now in my new home. I am not so sure of this place. The house is big and drafty. Outside it is always wet. The grass is really big. I found a place in the fence that I think I can make an escape from. I have gotten past the humans a few times and run down the street as fast as I can. I do not have many soft places to lay down. The humans have not been around much to cuddle with me. I hope that they still love me.

Written by my human mom as I dictated to her October 21, 2016

 

Meeting the New School

As the mom of a special needs child I have a speech in my head for each time a new educator meets my child. It is forthcoming and leaves little room for disagreement on the other parties side. I don't mean to immediately come off as abrupt and unbending, but that is how I come off.

If you have ever dealt with an IEP plan, you know what I mean. You get me. I have to be my child's advocate. I have to fight for him.

My story actually begins much earlier. My oldest was a hyper child. He really struggled. I was a new mom, a young mom, a single mom. I had absolutely no idea how to make life better for him. How to help him or even reach him. I put him into school at age five. I was full of misgivings and knew this was probably going to be a mistake. My options were slim. It was a horrible experience for us both. Until he was unenrolled in the middle of fifth grade, I fought with the school almost daily. He had an IEP for his reading and spelling and for the simple fact he had ADHD. We pushed aside labels and shrugged off the angry and disbelieving glances. Temper tantrums galore and lack of appetite. Medicines that we couldn't afford. Phone calls every day over everything from lunch he brought to hats he wore and did he have his medicine. Needless to say by the time he went to live with his Dad I was war weary.

My youngest was born three weeks early a high birth weight. We started out on shaky ground and moved toward progress. As time went on we realized that he couldn't walk properly. The help we needed was just out of grasp. A good pediatrician who refused to give up on us and we finally got the help we needed. At nearly two years he could walk with supports in his shoes and then we began working on speech. He needed occupational therapy and speech. Again just out of reach due to the lack of affordable insurance. Thus the reason we became a Military family. Had this not happened, my son would not be where he is today. (Insurance is another story for another day)

I began fighting for this child before he was two. It is all that I know to do. I know that he is seven. I know that he has fought through so much and that he is going to be okay. But the downside to being a Military family is the number of times that you must move.

This sweet little boy began Pre-K just months before we would move home from El Paso. The husband would be deploying. Then once we arrived home, he had to be set up at another school and begin again. He finished his first year of Pre-K there. His second year of Pre-K was begun in Tennessee before we moved back to El Paso.

It took some time and a lucky IEP meeting with the right people in attendance to get things going smoothly. So he started in EP in one school, after two months he was moved to a school that could accommodate his mild hearing loss. He was fortunate enough to stay at that school with the same group of educators until the beginning of his first grade year. And you guessed it, we moved again.

This time my husband was heading to Korea and us to Tennessee. I began calling the Board of Education in my County in April. I made them communicate with me. I gave them a reprieve during the summer, but August 1st I was back on them. I needed to know for a fact that going from this school for the hearing impaired to an all inclusive classroom was going to be the best move for him. It wasn't like I had much choice, we were going either way. My name was known before I ever stepped into the school that September.

They turned out being so sweet and loving and kind. It ended up being one of the most positive moves yet. He was embraced and encouraged to grow. His personality began to blossom. He was becoming more conversational. It was becoming easier for him to be understood and to express himself. I knew our time at this school would be short. I knew that we would move shortly after he began second grade. It was a heart wrenching thought, but it was what we must do next.

I tried once to call the school I was fairly certain he would attend should we move to New York. I was frustrated when I was transferred to four different administrators and none could answer my questions. I arrived ready to do battle.

I had everything in hand that I would need. I marched into the school Registrars office and I laid it all out. Upon finding out that my son would need an IEP to ride the special needs bus, I nearly flipped a lid. In both EP and Tennessee it was just standard, he had hearing loss and rode the special needs bus. Now I must wait for an IEP meeting here and hope that they will see he needs at least an Aide on the bus if nothing else. I was relieved to find out that his bus would only carry the smaller kids from Kindergarten to Third grade. I agreed to give it a try. I am praying that tomorrow goes smoothly and that he will be the strong little boy I know he can be.

Why am I concerned? This is my easily overwhelmed little boy. The same little boy that is currently awaiting an evaluation to see if he has Sensory Processing Disorder. Something in my heart of hearts I am sure is to be the case.

I arrived at his elementary school once again ready for battle. My husband told me to take it easy on them. To listen with an open mind and know that some change is good for kids. Even kids like our little boy. He assured me once we left that I was rude in the beginning. That I talked to loudly and that I was expecting them to be the same as past schools. This of course is not something that can happen. I tried to be nice. I tried so hard. I mentioned my issues with the bus no less than fifty times. I repeated over and over that he wears hearing aides. That he is easily overwhelmed. In the end I think they realized that I was not one to be reckoned with. That I was agreeing to try, but should one thing not go according to the way I envision it should, then I will be on the phone or in the office.

They are correct.

He will ride this bus. He will be in a regular classroom with hopefully the modifier microphone system. We met his class, none had hearing aides or glasses.

This regular classroom deal isn't high on my list of positive outcomes. I didn't even get to meet the teacher today. Probably a good thing as she may have lived in fear of my return. Should we have issues in this classroom, he could possible be moved to a different setting more closely aligned with an all inclusive classroom.

My husband assured me that this is all going to work out. That I should let our son walk on his own. Push him a little closer to the edge of the nest. He reminds me that I won't always be around and I need to ensure he is okay when I am not around.

I'm praying for this situation. I am praying for my little guy.

October 20, 2016

When the Movers Came: October 2016

On a sunny but cool day in Tennessee we woke up and ate a quick breakfast. We sat in anticipation and silence as we waited for the movers to arrive. This would be the beginning of the ball of change rolling in a forward motion. Once those movers arrived there would be no going back. Who we saw during the next two days would be the last of our friends we would see until we can come back. We stared at the house. At the mess waiting to be loaded into our vehicles. We hugged. We prayed and we let God take control.

This little truck and a slightly bigger one were the bringers of change. We let the packers in and watched as our life in Tennessee was packed away. We watched the next day as everything was loaded into another truck.

This was the bulk of my kitchen. I stood before these boxes, ran my hand across them and I sighed. The past and the future is now in these boxes. I appreciated the neatly written labels. I loved the one that said it included bake ware. I felt that the packer understood the importance of my cookie sheets and muffin pans, this was the ones that I dared leave behind. I had two of each already in the trunk of my car.

I looked on in awe at all the boxes in my daughters room. How on earth could all her toys be in one place? Well, all the toys that were not stuffed in a bag waiting to be loaded into the van.

 

After day one we had a TV and our queen sized bed. This is the view of all the boxes stacked by our bed. I looked at it in wonder. And the thought prevalent in my mind, was if our bed frame will fit into our new bedroom with space to walk around it and not knock your knees on it.

 

Just a small view of my son's room. Everything was in a box, except for the contents of that closet. Behind that door was my oldest son's clothes. A Radio. A comic book. Unfortunately he was the one person in our family who would not be making this journey. I hated to leave him behind. To know that the situation he is in isn't the best, but I could not find a way to change the situation. I'm leaving this part up to God. I'm trusting in my Dad and my sister to keep the local lines of communication open while I do my best from a distance.

Day two they came to load up all of our stuff.

Now we wait on it to be delivered to us at our new house.

The night before we leave, we have a sleepover in the living room, even our little Chihuahua sleeps on the blankets. My Dad had several couch cushions that he loaned to us for a bed. I let the husband and the kids have them and slept on the piled blankets instead. I was also the first one up at 5:45a. Our second day leaving from Columbus Ohio, I was also the first one to rise.

Even though I woke up so early on our first day, we actually did not roll out of town until 9:30a. We had breakfast with my Dad and then a small snafu with the bank. All ended up being good and we made it to our destination the next night.

We left this space empty. Ready for my Dad to fill with his stuff. I know the emptiness will echo with the laughter of the two youngest and the shouts between my oldest and I. This house has been with us since 2005 and as it is now, it shall continue to be ours for quite some time.

This little car came to us in 2008. It was mine before I met and married my husband. It has been everywhere, including El Paso Texas. This van, purchased in El Paso, is only beginning the journey with us. They drove well and we are thankful for that.

October 19, 2016

 

Moving Again: October 2016

Our time in Tennessee has come to a close, it is time to pack up, and move on.

This Tennessee girl is migrating north instead of South!

I'm ready for this adventure, for whatever Mother Nature sends my way. It's family time again, a new house and a new zip code.

My husband told me to only pack the essentials for our drive up. The movers would take all the rest. But for me, it is extremely hard to decide what is essential and what is not. I need all the quilts that were hand made for us and the really big bulky basket they are in. I need all the glass I inherited from my Grandmother. Pretty much everything in my kitchen is a necessity. All bath soaps, kitchen soaps and cleaners. Books for me and the kids. All the stuffed animals that normally reside on the kids beds, don't forget every blanket and pillow on every bed in in the house. It was chaos.

I should never be put in charge of packing, I am damn good at it though!

 

This is what I started with in the kitchen.

 

We ended up with nine house plants between our tiny car and our minivan. I refused to leave them behind. One of the plants had previously moved with us from El Paso. I promised my husband that these plants would offer us a spot of green in the heart of winter, fresh oxygen emitted into the air nightly. He humored me. I am thankful.

Because the movers were coming, we had to get the stuff we wanted to take out of the way. I ended up closing off our second bathroom due to all the blankets, towels, and coats that I wanted to take.

Pretty much all of this made the cut and was stuffed or jammed into any open space my husband could find in the car and the van. We put one kid in each vehicle, which gave me more space to take things I thought I needed. I should add this included a few yard decorations, shower curtain rods and curtain rods. I was beyond prepared!

By the time the movers arrived, I had everything in the two bathrooms, some stuff in the van and the car, and this desk overflowing with stuff. The movers were gracious enough to ignore my mess even when they needed to use our only open bathroom that you could barely get to the toilet in.

This is the front passenger side of the car, it ended up also including a pillow, an angry bird toy, and my purse. there was barely a spot for our tiny Chihuahua. The plants in the front seat ended up in the back seat. My son even had a snake plant sitting next to him in the backseat.

 

This is the trunk of the car just before we rolled out. I was able to cram a little more into it and then added a comforter on the top layer. This car has the spare tire and the battery in the trunk, so we were blessed to have no issues as we traveled north.

For humor's sake I let the Angry Bird look out the window during the entire two day drive. It was rather amusing looking at the faces of people who glanced into our car.

This is the back passenger seat of the car, it ended up being a lot more full than this.

My husband packed and repacked this van several times. This is close to how it looked the day we rolled at. Just add about fifty more blankets, a stray plate, two skillets and a cooking pot. Oh and don't forget my computer bag and a coat and two shirts on hangers.

This was just before we added the last of the stuff. This view is the passenger left side of the van. The seat was folded down into the cargo space. I had the booster seat buried in the way back of the trunk in the car.

My husband went through different stages of disbelief, frustration, and humor during this trip. I was so excited for him to see parts of the country he never saw. We went through areas that were cold and areas that were warm. We drove through crazy traffic and construction zones. Down a huge toll road and glimpsed Lake Erie off in the distance. We ate a lot of fast food. Slept in an old hotel that was pet friendly in Ohio. It was two stories and no elevator! Along the way we kept up our spirits by joking and listening to our radios. Hugging the kids, running in the grassy areas at the rest stops. I drove our little car the entire way. I was afraid of the fully loaded van. The car is my go to in unfamiliar territory. I might also add we rode with windows cracked the entire way. We arrived in the dead of night, nah, really it was like 9:30pm. But it was so dark! We are in a beautiful area and it is rural.

I am blessed!

God brought us through to this.

October 19, 2016

 

Time Never Slows Down

It's been just over a year since we came back to sunny Tennessee. I came with a heavy heart and expecting the worst experience.

I was wrong.

This last year was a growing experience. A time to accept where I am and where various friends and family members are. To embrace our individual trials and schedules and quirks. To open the heart and the mind to truly listen to what all is being said by everyone around you.

A true blessing for my kids and I.

There are many that I didn't get to see as often as I would have liked. But I am comfortable knowing that they are there. Through phone calls and text messages our relationships evolved. To comfortable in the fact that yes face to face is optimal, but sometimes a simple text is just the right amount of interaction. It is not because we want to be alone, but that we accept where we are as individuals and our situations and embrace each other just as we are. To reach this point, you must be truly grown. You must be confident in the relationship you share. Time won't slow down for any of us, so we must seize each and every moment.

I watched my kids become closer to their cousins. To begin requesting that Auntie come for the night. To go Pokémon hunting, or the park. I loved seeing my youngest niece every morning at the school. My sister and I were finally able to reach a level of communication and it was truly amazing. I accepted her and she accepted me. This has been years in the making. The first few months were uneasy, but we pushed through for the kids and for each other.

I'm always a Daddy's girl, nothing new here. I took a road trip with my Dad to visit my Michigan family. It was an amazing experience. Great memories made with all my Aunts and even my Mom. My Dad was there for me through it all. Even when not feeling  his best, he was giving it all he had, for me. How can I ever say that I am not blessed.

We grew in a new church. A church I would love to join, but that is not in God's plan at this exact moment in our lives. I watched the people embrace the kids and I. My children eager to walk through those doors each and every day. The word of the Lord a tight embrace in times of need.

I missed my husband so very much. It has been nearly six years since he has lived in our tiny house in this smaller town. Yet in my heart he is here. Through the lens of a camera he saw our daily lives. HIs voice echoing against the walls as he talked to us. This is not the best way to live, but hurray for technology! 

I have made new friends, grown closer to old friends.

I am confident in the next step. Our next adventure. I know that my friends here will always be my friends. I have so many friends from all over the United States. How could I ever ask for a better blessing than that? I have an amazing husband by my side. One who supports me and I support him.

My fitness journey began here. One that I plan on continuing. Many new friends were made at the YMCA. So truly blessed to have gone there and learned my inner strength and gained the confidence to continue to grow. I am now more confident with my body image. I have learned that I can change it. I have learned that it is truly beautiful.

This one year in Tennessee was truly a blessing. I thank everyone.


Sunday October 9, 2016

Dedicated to all of my Tennessee friends and family, May we all continue to grow closer

The Cycle Continues

As the days wind down for this adventure to end and another to begin, I realize that I am leaving a mess behind me. My heart is broken every time I hear my teenage son lash out at me in anger. Every time I see him forcefully smack his smaller brother and sister with a pillow. Name calling from stupid to idiot to racial slurs pour out of his mouth almost constantly. We yell at each other a lot. Over and over.

He says that I am an overbearing mom who has no good food to eat in the house who abandoned him and doesn't love him and thinks he is her slave.

I think he is a confused and hurt teenager. Misguided and being influenced by people who are selfish.

My heart breaks, it is broken. I know I have lost my son forever. In my heart I know that he doesn't love me. He resents the smaller kids.

All of this is my fault. I did leave him. I did drive away.

I try.

At least I think I try.

Favorite foods, clean clothes, attempts at fun activities at which I am reminded that he is no longer two.

When around others he is good as gold. The second it is us he is on the attack. The younger kids cry a lot when he is around. I feel like dying a lot when he is around.

I feel like I should die for ruining his life, causing him to hate me and the younger two. I do not know how to correct the wrong.

He won't let me near him, there are no hugs only empty words.

I know he was once my bubbly little boy but now he is an angry ball of emotion.

For many years I hated my own mom. I feel like this is karma for the way I felt for my mom. But I don't think the younger two should feel so much hate flowing from his heart and anguish from mine. They are caught between us.

My Dad says I should not let my oldest visit. He is right. I shouldn't. But I don't want to not visit him. I keep brining him over hoping and praying that this time will be different and it never is.

My heart is shattered. His heart is as well

Can we move past this? Will it always be this way between us?

Lord help us all.

I want my boy to love me again.