Through the Storms Fury

Today was to be a special day.


Today dawned grey and overcast and rain.


But I pushed on, a goal in mind. I was going to see a childhood friend whom I haven't seen in two years.


I woke up and showered and kids began to wake up and they were showered. They were going to another friend's house to play with other kids. Mommy was taking an afternoon off.


Their bag packed, mine packed, make-up done, and hair pulled up in a nice updo. The open-toed shoes were scratched as the rain began pouring down. I settled for sparkly flats instead.


It was beginning to rain a lot. The kids and I made a mad dash to the car. The car with gas in it. The small car that could fit in small parking spaces.


But you see, once I got to my friends house I failed to turn the lights off. After a mere twenty minutes inside that poor car had all it could take and refused to start.


Panic was close, and the storm was moving in, but I was persistent.


My friend's husband came out to see what could be done, and it wasn't really so simple as I am going to give your car a jump start. The battery to my car is in the trunk. I was parked behind his trunk. So he had to pull up into his yard turn around and then roll my car down into the road.


The jumper cables in my car were old and frayed and well they started smoking and this is when it began to rain just a little harder. The wind was picking up. He had other cables and proceeded to try and I made calls. One to my Dad for help, one to my friend stating my lateness.


My car started! It purred to life as if it didn't have one moment of stubbornness.


I called my friend, to let her know I really was coming, I called my Dad to let him know I was okay still pushing forward with the plan.


At home I swapped my car for my van with an empty gas tank and sat in this van and watched the wind push giant trees vertically and branches lean closer to my house. I talked again to my friend. I got the reassurance from my Dad that I could do this.


Though I have to admit he made me doubt. He said he knew I could in the car, but wasn't sure I could in the van. After it was beginning to storm pretty bad for Middle Tennessee.


So my first stop was the gas station where it was just barely covered. I got out and was almost instantly soaked. I had an umbrella and I tried to stay behind the van but this barely kept the rain from me. Basically from the upper thighs down I was soaked. So here I am behind a minivan with a giant umbrella cowering against the rain, my outfit is a thin sweater, layered tank tops, jeans, and flats with no socks, once semi neat updo and make-up. After filling up and jumping back into the van I had to wipe water off my feet and from the insides of my shoes. I dapped water from my face.


And I hit the road
  That I could not see


I drove it by feel. Thank goodness I am used to driving this road twice a day. I knew when to slow down, which I was already pretty slow, and I knew when there were curves. After passing through the tiny little town I thought I saw tail lights. I slowed way down and waited for the car to turn on a side road, and it did.


Thinking I was home free I let myself creep back up to thirty all the while wondering if there hidden creeks were flooding and if I would make it back home tonight. The big flood of 2010 and how it isolated my tiny town from Nashville was vivid in my mind.


After following a slow group of cars I finally made it to the interstate and it just magically quit raining so hard and now there was visibility.


My drive into Nashville was uneventful.


And I found my destination easily and yep, there was one semi close parking spot that my van would never fit into. So I parked down the street and walked up a small hill in the rain without my umbrella that I forgot in the van.


It was an adventure for sure. One that I am quite glad I followed though.


December 28, 2015


Job 37:6 For he saith tot he snow, Be thou on the earth, likewise tot he small rain, and to the great rain of his strength.

When I needed to Venture Out

We all know the holiday season can be brutal. We all have our survivor stories.


Just before Christmas, in fact the last Saturday before Christmas I felt like maybe the crud was going to bring me down. My daughter hadn't been sleeping due to the lingering effects of a cold that set in after she had strep throat. I settled in quite comfortably on the couch to await the arrival and sure to follow mayhem of my oldest son arriving.


All


Day


Long


I sat on that couch. Sappy made for TV Christmas movies passing the time away.


Until the moment I realized that there was no apple juice, not enough eggs, and a gallon of milk wouldn't be a bad idea.


So I knew a trip to the store was in my near future. I wasn't really dressed for the store. No bra, running pants and a very old shirt. Comfort is my thing, and I must say I really ROCK comfort. (much to my husband's disdain)


I decided to make a quick run to the store just after my oldest son arrived. I was going to leave him in charge of the younger two.


As I began walking toward the store from my way out in the middle of nowhere parking spot I began to notice the sideways glances in my direction. The way people were warily casting glances my way. They were quickly moving to the opposite side of the aisles. I began to wonder, did I look worse than I thought? Or did I have the Grinch look down?


Even the cashier was hesitant to ask me how I was doing and if I was ready for Christmas. I made it in and out of there in under 15 minutes, not bad considering there seemed to be a mad dash to this particular store.


I guess people will leave me alone when they see my don't play with me face.

Here it is :)


December 27, 2015

Perceived to be Crazyiness

I had this bright idea that the kids should make flour and salt ornaments for my husband who is currently on the other side of the world. I had this idea in my head of how simple it would be, how involved and magical.


Of course I consulted Pinterest to make sure I found the most magical recipe and ideas.


But then it hit me, why should I keep all this magic to myself? Why not include my sister and my two nieces?


As it worked out we were going to be running a 5K and my sister was going to stay the night before with her two kids, and bonus, I would have my oldest son!


So she came over and we mixed the flour and salt and water and got it ready for all five kids to come and make shapes with cookie cutters. Each kid did two, my sister and I ended up doing all the rest of the shapes.

Into the oven they went and we were ready for the next day.

After my sister and I recovered somewhat from the 5k, my son not being affected in the slightest, we wrangled into the dining room all the kids. So it went a 15 year old boy, 7 year old girl, young six year old girl, older six year old boy,  and a very active three year old girl.

We were ready! My sister and I had spent quite some time at the store picking out paints and brushes and we felt we had it all under control.

 

As it went the kids got bored rather quickly. We ended up with some very cute ornaments and all who received them were thrilled. It was not a magical mayhem mess as we had envisioned. It was a calm afternoon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A true blessing. My sister and I are now tentatively planning another craft......Stay Tuned!

Always a wild card in the mix, my youngest also painted her nose so she could be like big brother.

December 27, 2015

Matthew 18:10 See that you do not look down on one of these little ones, For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my father in Heaven.

Tis the Season to 5K

For whatever reason, I decided that I should run the Give and Gobble 5K on Thanksgiving day. While I was deciding on doing this for real or not, my sister seized the moment and made it a must do.
 To be clear since early October I have developed a nightly double chocolate with chocolate syrup ice cream addiction. I joke with the cashiers at the grocery store that this is a far better choice than wine. You should see their faces as they try and decide if this mom with a daughter who really needs to be restrained is really serious.
Trust me I am.
So here I am close to 150 LBS and grossly out of shape. That is being nice.
I put on my go face and I registered and it was a done deal. I picked up my registration kit and the ugly bright neon green shirt and a map....
Oh this is going to be ugly!!! I check out the map and I know I am in for it. I call my sister to explain to her the hole that we have dug and already I am out of breath.

This is me the morning before the race, as you can tell I am over the moon with excitement. But kudos to me it isn't even 8 o'clock on Thanksgiving morning and I am up and ready to go.




We get there, I snag a free banana and some water and spend the next hour or so before the race in line at the Port a Potty. To be clear, I was using it, waiting in line, and using it. Yep, this is the bladder of a late thirties, had three kids kind of mom.

I started stronger than I thought and I pushed as hard as I could. But my sister's growing concern over my lack of breathing made me realize I had to slow down for just a bit. And then it took a lot for me to get going again. It became clear that not only could I not breathe, I couldn't run either.

I finished at 41 minutes. Not as weak as I had anticipated, my sister came in at 38 almost 39 minutes.

So I did it, I survived and I immediately registered for another one on December 12. Only this time I encourage my 15 year old son and my sister to join me.

Ready to Run!

At the Finish Line



My son was so excited to have an opportunity to win. To show my sister and I that he is the fastest. And he was at 37 minutes and 10 seconds and my sister was just a few seconds behind him, I came it at 39 minutes. I was amazed and barely standing, a pitiful sight at the finish line.

We were Ready!

Lucky for me, most of this one was walking really fast uphill and then running downhill. On the main highway I would only walk past the grassy areas and the driveways I made myself run. By the end of the race my legs were sore, cramps in my thighs, my arms were numb and I could barely breath. I could have been a little faster, but I snagged two cups of water at the water station. Had I not done that, I may not have made it at all.

I am proud of each of us for doing this. We are all in our own ways out of shape, and untrained. But we got out there and supported a great cause while running or walking our little hearts out.

 

Hebrews 13:16 Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.

Darker than Normal

Music
 Yes it has caught me tightly in it's grasp.


Dragging  me down into a place
 I have risen from
  and temptations sweet kiss is begging for redemption


Not lust
 nope, it is the addicts soul that is longing for release.


It once was that sweet tobacco that burned it's way through my lungs,
 now it is the taste of something much sweeter
  a harder kick.


I could settle for a glass of wine,
 but something far stronger would be better.


I long to laugh an adult's careless laugh.


I long to just empty the cup
 bottoms up


Even more than that I long to turn around
 to see his smooth face
  eyes only for me


Arms out
 ready to catch me
  to kiss me to oblivion
 
And away to the next level we shall go


The music can make me feel this
 yearn for this
  need him more than even my words can express


The mommy side of me is going through the routines
 today is baking frenzy day
  set to the tunes of desire
  of forever your love


Responsibility is in the forefront
 but who I am is all twisted and crazy
  I need to be free from the restraints
  yet the restraints keep me in check


I NEED him to come home
 I WANT him to always be by my side


The first and last thing I see and touch every day and night
 My one and only
  The one I swore undying allegiance to


Come
   Home


Take
  me
   away


Rescue me
  rescue us


Help me pull myself up and out of this funk


Turn my world right side up
 all is crazy tilted


I don't want to read my books
 I want to loose myself in the music
  or binge watch horribly twisted and deep shows


Focus
 it is slipping away


You are my everything


Maybe it is not as it should be
 my eyes and mind and heart not focused heavenward
  but on you
   on the other side of the world


You are the air that I breathe
 the steady smooth road that I travel
 there behind me
  helping me to see the point in it all


I am not sure where my sanity has gone
 where my rock solid values and beliefs have gone
  I am floundering

Lost at sea
 in this tiny town full of sameness
 
Who am I?
What have I become?


Sleep is all I want
 a deep dreamless sleep that leaves me begging for more.


In sleep I can be at rest
 not trying to find my way
  my purpose


Pray for me
 Pray hard for me


B. Alwildia Garcia
December 9, 2015
  

The Point at Which We Are

Ever so thankful am I for technology,
 the ability to communicate when half a world is between us.


Your face is forever in my dreams
 your voice always in my ears
  your love tucked safely away in forever's chamber of the heart.


It is this same distance that is daunting
 bringing about a dual existence
  for both of us.


I am here
 with the kids
  with my familiar surroundings.


Why do they feel so alien to me?
Why do I feel as if I am floundering?


Seeking questions to my religious standing
 suddenly sure the place I was
  is not the place I am.


Where does this leave me?
How do I move forward from here?
 It is denying the kids and I the very foundation that we need.


And much deeper than that,
 how do I know for sure
  that what I am and what I believe is enough?


Faith by works,
 well in that I am severely lacking.
  I believe and hold that faith securely
   but I do not read much and attend far less than I should
    keeping it at arm's length.


But to be fair
 that is in most areas of my life
  keeping that which is not immediate at arm's length.


And just when I think I have it going on
 the kids remind me that I am not nearly so awesome as Poppy.


The speed at which I do things and the ability to deliver flawlessness is not my specialty


I feel the distance sometimes too much
 I feel the longing and the loneliness.


The future is unsure
 lots and lots of prayer needed for sure.


Is it time for a change?
 Time to move on from this season and into the next?


What about our identity?
 what about our security?
 
Our home is my sanctuary.
My place to retreat away from the world and snuggle into the couch.
 it is the same when you are near or far.
  I retreat here.


Shelter from the world is what you have given me.
 I fear the structure and demands
  the loss of my priorities as they must be second to the company's priorities.


Should I need to step outside the home and become a provider,
 you know that I would,
  but do you know it would also crush me?


I love being the wife, the homemaker, the baker, the planner, go to person for all errands.
 I love my weekends spent at home or out and about with my family.
  I love know that holidays and holiday weekends are mine to spend how I choose and with whom I choose. They are not forced to feed the hungry monster of retail greed.


But ultimately this decision will be reached through communication.
 Thankfully we will have that option this entire time.




Alwildia B. Garcia
November 22, 2015

Keeping Up Appearences

The Reality is that the last year did not adequately prepare me for what I am now facing. The Reality is that I am independent and quite capable of surviving this, even with kids.


But many days I wake as if I walked all night in dreams, heavy dreams that won't fall by the way side. Waking should mean they fall away, yet dreams are clinging. Essential oils assist me with the sleep otherwise I might never sleep. But the correct anti-dreaming combination is yet to be found.


So lost so many days. I crave companionship and conversation. Yet it is this that scares me and drives me to huddle on my couch. I sit listless and lost, confused as what I should be doing.


The motions of the life before cling to my memory, but they are hard to put in use. So many things I think I will do, but never can muster the strength to do. Even things that once brought me peace are falling aside.


Somehow I rise and get one kid to school. And home I return with the bubbly one, the one that needs me. I watch her movements. Listen to her voice and I shrink from it all.


Books bring me solace. An escape from this foggy reality. I am lost. What can I say. The one that gave us motivation and purpose is too far away.
                                                                         
The warmth we once basked in is turning to a deep cold. A grey sky that even when the sun is shining it remains bleak.


I want to reach out, I want to interact, I want to get past this, but I do not know how.


How? It is this that stumps me and leaves me feeling empty on the inside. That drives me to huddle listlessly on the couch with a book, or a TV show or eating ice cream smothered in chocolate syrup.


This is but a speed bump, I know that I will get past this. I know that it is just a mere bubble in time that has stopped and it will resume.


Enjoy what is in front of us, is so easy to say even harder to do.


Understanding from outsiders looking in doesn't come so easily. They have all the answers because they are living this dream, or in this altered reality.


Yes, I should get out more, but to do what? Who would I see? The air is cold here it isn't welcoming. I have stepped from the present into a place that doesn't change. The fact that I did change leaves me on the outside looking in.


I have knocked, I have tried, but my home is safer, warmer and free from outside judgment.


Many days I feel as if I have lost my way, that my faith is slacking. Or is it gone? Is it that I have grown from the place I was the last time I left? Or is it because I lost while I was away? How do I explain to them that express love and welcome us in that I have changed? That I think this may not be the place for me?


Agony over this. Every Single Wednesday, it is pure agony. What must I do.


Seek the answers in prayer in the good book. Yet the good book isn't the one that has been captivating me lately. There I said it.


It is here


Out there for all to see and decide how to react upon.


Pray for me






Awildia B. Garcia
November 19, 2015