Sunday, August 24, 2014
Finding a Happy Medium
Sometimes my heart is heavy. Heavy with guilt, heavy with pain, heavy with regret. I carry all of this around like an old battered suitcase. Randomly it will fall to the ground spilling all of the ugly contents. When this happens it is ugly for me, for those around me. A darkness will descend and I fall into an abyss. Then a struggle of climbing out of the abyss ensues. During this time my mind will be overflowing with negativity, with anger and frustration and absolutely no focus.
The biggest source of guilt concerns my oldest son. That he lives so very far away with a man that I can just barely tolerate. The fact that I let my ignorance of the law bring this change about. But logic is that my marriage could not have withstood the daily conflict between my son and I. It was very often like war. But it was this way because my son never knew unconditional love from me. He was always there, but more often than not only the sidelines. He was caught in the bitterness and anger between myself, my mother and my sister. Then there was the constant buying him things he didn't need. Clothes, toys, games, the list goes on. He had huge Christmases and birthdays. New clothes, name brand clothes. But all of this came to an end when I could no longer support the lifestyle and when I remarried.
Remarrying was a wonderful choice for both of us. It was full of promise. A man who was willing to accept my son as his own. The catch was that my son did not want this love. He did not know how to accept it. He also complains and is often melodramatic. Yep just like his mom and grandmother and aunt. There was no longer an unlimited amount of gifts, Christmases were significantly smaller. Clothes tended to be second hand. Why this huge change? We had no money. One of us was working minimum wage, the other was a waiter and we had two children. My son, and another son who was born early and with health issues. But we loved them both equally.
I was depressed while pregnant with my second son because it became obvious in the beginning that he would not have a crib, we could only afford a used pack-n-play. A lot of his clothes were bought at the children's consignment sales. I wanted to buy him so much more, to wrap him in the nicest and fuzziest blankets, but this was not a viable option. We had to pay bills, buy groceries, pay childcare for two kids. I made the most of it. I tried to tell myself that this was the better option, but it made me sad. Now my youngest son never knew that it could be so very different. And he is very satisfied with little. He has toys and a game and clothes and he is happy and full of sunshine.
Then my daughter came along and due to the timing it was nearly impossible to buy her new things. I had her in one state and then six days later took her to my home state. I couldn't afford to buy her all new things because we wouldn't be staying in our home state long, so it wasn't a practical option. I was very blessed that two different people gave me lots of baby clothes and she had enough to last for the first year. Some of the toys and a booster seat and another seat were passed down from her brothers.
Now here we are with two kids in our household. We are a one family income and I long to buy them little treats here and there. To send little care packages to my oldest son. But it isn't an option. We have to make the money go as far as we can. And my husband believes that kids don't need lots of toys. He didn't have many growing up, and he was just fine. This is a sticking point between us. I think they need a few more than they have. I want to do a big Christmas for them, but he tries to keep it down under $300.00. Sometimes I am embarrassed by our frugality and sometimes I am proud of it.
But often the guilt that threatens to bog me down stems from this lack of things. I don't know why I feel the need to be materialistic. I don't know why sometimes I just want to go to the store and buy things just to buy them. It is crazy, and unrealistic. Sometimes I feel like my husband is pushing me to get a job, but then I know that isn't practical because of our son's needs. I also know that he isn't pushing for me to get a job.
Often I feel like I get lost in the mix. That I do so much for everyone in the family, but don't get anything in return. Again, why would I feel this way? It is selfish and just plain nonsense. As a dedicated mother and wife, shouldn't I push my wants and needs and dreams as far from the forefront as possible. Shouldn't I give every last drop of myself to my kids and husband. And what of my other son? The one that I sometimes don't call because I can't find the words to say to him. Because I feel like I pushed him off the bus and left him behind to fend for himself. That I have nothing to give him because all that we have must go to the kids under our roof?
We have two cars, one of which is a new minivan. But now my husband says that it is too expensive to drive all the time. The appointments I go to are spread out all over town, so the economical thing to do is park the van, or let him drive it just to work and then home. So I drive the smaller car, the one that I bought before we were married. It is a good car. But sometimes I get frustrated over this. Why am I driving this car, why is the van sitting there while we make payments on it? Silly thing, but I love the satellite radio in the van.
I have been really praying for God to improve me, to make me the person that he would have me to be, and all of this shows that I have a long journey ahead of me. I am blessed to have a husband who puts all of the needs of the family first. Who thinks forward and each decision is carefully made. He never asks for anything. I wish I could be more like him.
In all of this I try to thank God for every little thing that I have. From my socks to my car to the food on our table. Remember in all things to thank God because he giveth and taketh away.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
38 Things
Today is my 38th birthday, and at the present moment not much feels different. I'm still a mom, I still have three kids, I have a wonderful husband. And how do I feel? Well like I'm finally mature. I now live a mere 1,135 miles from the city I grew up in. I have been out of high school for 19 years. A few of my former classmates are already grandparents, in that respect I am thankful I am not yet. I am an Army Wife, and with that being said, most of the wives I come in contact with were born around the time I graduated high school. It can be awkward to find myself in a group of fresh faced mom's happily showing off their first baby and spewing rainbows and sunshine about marriage. The reason it is awkward? I have lived a lifetime of storm clouds and rainbows. I came out of a failed marriage only to find myself faced with single mother-hood and then to stumble upon true love. The one thing I always dreamed of: A tall, dark, and handsome man who had black hair and brown eyes. What once was what everyone termed a "pipe dream" has become my reality. That is but one of the many ways that I am blessed. so here goes, today is my birthday and I am going to list the 38 things that mean the most to me.
1.) My Salvation, the fact that in 1996 I first came to know God, and even though there were times where I strayed I was still able to find my way back. I often visited churches over the years, but I never committed much to it. Not like I did in 1996, 1997 and then turning away in 1998. But in 2007 the Lord sent a lawnmower man to tell me God wanted me back and I drove thirty miles to find myself sitting in a church and hearing God's call again.
2.) The hard lessons and trials that I have gone through. They have brought me to this place. A place where I can use my story, my experiences to reach out to others. I think I am finally very close to being the aged woman mentioned in Titus 2:3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things,
If you aren't familiar with Titus 2:3-5 I strongly recommend you read the verses. They are some of my favorites.
3.) For my Dad. Through thick and thin and disagreements he has always been there for me. Unfortunately now I can only talk to him on the phone. But I grew up knowing he would always be there to pick me up to help me problem solve whatever issue I had. Moving across the country has finally made me be able to step out and do things without him going along. Because let me tell you when I am back home I do just about every errand with my Dad.
4.) My husband of five years. We did everything backwards in the beginning, we made our son before we were even sure we would get married. But we clicked, he was so different from anyone I had every met, and of course he was tall, dark and handsome. He accepted and was ready to love my older son. We had to work out his immigration status, which being pregnant, having two people working, and no money was quite complicated, but we did it. I don't regret the first years of our marriage being hard, if they weren't we wouldn't appreciate where we are today.
5.) My oldest son, he is my sunshine, my little big boy who lives out loud. Who I along with my Dad fought so hard for in the school system. I clung to him like a lifeline in some of my darkest times. Letting him go to live with his Dad knowing that I would be so far away was hard. It tore my heart into pieces, but I picked up and struggled to be strong and at peace with a decision that made no sense to me. But I knew it had to be part of God's plan, and now I think that we are both right where God needs us, but that doesn't make it any easier.
6.) For my second son. Through his difficult birth and three weeks of hospitalization I learned to lean onto God. I learned to step out on faith. I learned that the power of prayer does work and that no matter how bleak it looked he is here today. He is here and he is doing everything they told us he might not ever do. To hear his emerging words and personality after all these years is a true miracle.
7.) My sweet, mischievous little girl. She has turned our dominantly boy household upside down. She is a little big personality a bright shining ray of sunshine that you can't help but notice. I was once terrified of having a daughter, but now I know it is a true blessing.
8.) Financial Security. We finally are at a place where we have breathing room after we pay our bills. To have two cars, one paid off is a true blessing. Hard work and sacrifice has brought us to this place. To be where we are with only one income is a real blessing. One of my daily prayers is for God to show us how best to pay the blessing forward.
9.) The Army. What an odd one you might think, but it is true. The Army has opened many doors for our little family. Insurance is the primary one. With that insurance the children have received outstanding medical care and options. Our son has the hearing aids he needs, the speech and occupational therapy the braces. We have also been able to see new places and hope to see many more along the way. It is also something that my husband loves and it makes him happy. It is a true blessing to see him growing into this role of a soldier and blossoming.
10.) The great big sky. Why the sky? Because it is big and blue, big and stormy. Because it is the same sky our families whether near or far are also under.
11.) The food on our table, the ability to properly store and prepare the food.
12.) The roof over our heads, the beds we sleep on, the carpet beneath our feet. Properly working heat and air, running water. The televisions we have.
13.) Technology. Through this we have phones and computers that connect us to our loved ones no matter where they are.
14.) The friends that we have made along the way. Friends back home who are more like family. Friends we met here that have become like family.
15.) The cultural experiences as a direct result of being an Army family. We live in a city that has a lot of Mexican influence. Being able to learn the language, shop in the stores, eat in the restaurants. The fact that our neighbors are of Mexican decent and Pilipino, and all of us getting together to cook out and share the food from our cultures. And let me tell you the Philippine people make an awesome egg roll.
16.) My Aunts in Michigan, the ones I grew up knowing and the ones I am finally getting to know. They all bring wisdom and laughter and smiles.
17.) My Mom. This is a hard one, especially after my childhood. But I know that somewhere in all of the bad times that she really did love my sister and I. It is my prayer that we can repair our relationship to be the mother daughter we were never able to be.
18.) For my one friend who came to stay with me in 2013 when I had surgery related to kidney stones. She moved into my house for one week to take care of my kids. This special person has so many burdens of her own, yet she put them aside to help me. I will forever be indebted to her.
19.) For the ocean. The waves crashing against the shore the vastness that you can't help but feel as if it is swallowing you and maybe one day I will get to live close to it.
20.) The mountains. The ones here that are brown and rocky and forbidding, but beginning to turn a little green. The ones back home that are so full of trees and life and refreshing.
21.) This is one that I miss, being in a dry area there isn't a lot of moisture, or running water. But I really love the creeks and rivers and lakes. I love going to the park and letting the kiddos splash around in the creek and meeting new people there.
22.) Back roads, to be specific Tennessee back roads, there is no better feeling than the radio blasting, the windows down and wind whipping your hair around.
23.) I'm weird for this one, but I love thunderstorms. I love the way they come roaring through and in the wake of them you find you withstood and have another chance another fresh slate. I love the way the skies look the feel of electricity in the air the smell of rain.
24.) Family time. Believe me the moments we are granted with our loved ones are to be treasured. I want to spend all my free time with the husband and kids. I don't like to leave them to go hang out with other people. I know that being a Military family our moments are sometimes few and far between. I want the kids and I to be able to reflect on the times we were all together when we are apart. Even with my oldest being in another state, I always tell him quality matters not that quantity.
25.) The Bible for being my guide book, especially the Psalms. I could never have survived the last job I held had it not been for a pocket Bible and the book of Psalms. I also love the book of Job, in dark times it reminds me that we can come through it all. Esther and Ruth and Titus, Thessalonians, Ephesians a true favorite and Proverbs.
26.) Libraries. I love books. Libraries are a way for me to consume, sorry read as many books as I want without having to buy them.
27.) A husband who loves to cook, and boy can he cook. I love how he teaches me to try new ways of preparing food. How he can watch a cooking show and then whip that same thing up in our kitchen. Through him I have found that I really don't mind cooking, that I enjoy making foods and that sharing that food is the best part.
28.) All the perks that are out there for Military Families. The discounts at stores and restaurants, theme parks, the list goes on. I am truly thankful that this is available to those who serve and their families. Not that I feel entitled or the need to be appreciated, but because contrary to popular belief military families are not rich and the discounts help us afford things we might not have afforded otherwise. Even the education offered to service members and their spouses.
29.) Being able to stay home with my babies. It was a dream as a child to grow up get married have kids and not work. At that time I had no idea what it meant to be a wife or a mother. To be honest I had no clue until recently. Again I refer to the Bible on this one, Proverbs 31, Ephesians 5. I love being home. Yes some days it is boring and other days overwhelming. Yes I do a lot, the laundry I cook two big meals a day. I am learning to cook more from scratch which makes it more challenging. I do the laundry and this is hard because we don't have a washer and dryer. But I love it. I didn't get to stay home until my oldest was nearly 11. I went to work when he was just six weeks old. He spent a lot of time in daycares. It was heart breaking to me.
30.) The men and women who choose to serve our country. For the sacrifices they and their families make in order to protect our freedoms.
31.) My in-laws. They are great people. I love when they get to come up here for a visit. I pray one day I can speak Spanish well enough to talk to them. They raised a good man, I am forever indebted to them for this.
32.) My children's laughter, it is like chocolate ice cream. It is like bells and fireworks and peace. It ripples over me like pebbles in a pond. It is the closest thing to Heaven on this earth.
33.) The clothes that we have. The ability to buy more to buy them new or to buy them used. I try to pass our clothes that we no longer need to others in need.
34.) To my church family in Tennessee. For all of their prayers. For all of them who gave my kids baths, who brought us food, who came to sit with us. This was 2013 when I had that surgery. For The Sister that came to the hospital when my daughter had surgery. For the Sunday School and Children's Church lessons taught. For being there for us through a lot over the years.
35.) To hospitals like Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. This hospital holds a special place in my heart because they laid the foundation for the care that my children now have.
36.) To the Doctor that started seeing my oldest son when he was six and saw my middle son for three years and who fought to help me get the care that my middle son needed. He only saw my daughter a few times, but he was awesome. He listened, he cared, he tried to help in all ways. He even answered questions we may have if we saw him at the grocery store.
37.) For the El Paso School For the Hearing Impaired. My middle son began this program in January of this year, within a month he was talking more than he ever had. He can now say phrases and is almost conversational.
38.) For the life I am granted each and everyday I wake up. For the chance to do better, be better than the day before. To spread the word and miracles of God and salvation. To hug my family each new day, to hear my children stirring in the next room every morning, to cooking breakfast and taking the kids places.
This was a little harder than I thought it would be. But I am glad I did it and happy to share it with you all. Be blessed and don't be afraid of getting older. I am 38 but if you add it 3+8 then you get 11
1.) My Salvation, the fact that in 1996 I first came to know God, and even though there were times where I strayed I was still able to find my way back. I often visited churches over the years, but I never committed much to it. Not like I did in 1996, 1997 and then turning away in 1998. But in 2007 the Lord sent a lawnmower man to tell me God wanted me back and I drove thirty miles to find myself sitting in a church and hearing God's call again.
2.) The hard lessons and trials that I have gone through. They have brought me to this place. A place where I can use my story, my experiences to reach out to others. I think I am finally very close to being the aged woman mentioned in Titus 2:3 The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things,
If you aren't familiar with Titus 2:3-5 I strongly recommend you read the verses. They are some of my favorites.
3.) For my Dad. Through thick and thin and disagreements he has always been there for me. Unfortunately now I can only talk to him on the phone. But I grew up knowing he would always be there to pick me up to help me problem solve whatever issue I had. Moving across the country has finally made me be able to step out and do things without him going along. Because let me tell you when I am back home I do just about every errand with my Dad.
4.) My husband of five years. We did everything backwards in the beginning, we made our son before we were even sure we would get married. But we clicked, he was so different from anyone I had every met, and of course he was tall, dark and handsome. He accepted and was ready to love my older son. We had to work out his immigration status, which being pregnant, having two people working, and no money was quite complicated, but we did it. I don't regret the first years of our marriage being hard, if they weren't we wouldn't appreciate where we are today.
5.) My oldest son, he is my sunshine, my little big boy who lives out loud. Who I along with my Dad fought so hard for in the school system. I clung to him like a lifeline in some of my darkest times. Letting him go to live with his Dad knowing that I would be so far away was hard. It tore my heart into pieces, but I picked up and struggled to be strong and at peace with a decision that made no sense to me. But I knew it had to be part of God's plan, and now I think that we are both right where God needs us, but that doesn't make it any easier.
6.) For my second son. Through his difficult birth and three weeks of hospitalization I learned to lean onto God. I learned to step out on faith. I learned that the power of prayer does work and that no matter how bleak it looked he is here today. He is here and he is doing everything they told us he might not ever do. To hear his emerging words and personality after all these years is a true miracle.
7.) My sweet, mischievous little girl. She has turned our dominantly boy household upside down. She is a little big personality a bright shining ray of sunshine that you can't help but notice. I was once terrified of having a daughter, but now I know it is a true blessing.
8.) Financial Security. We finally are at a place where we have breathing room after we pay our bills. To have two cars, one paid off is a true blessing. Hard work and sacrifice has brought us to this place. To be where we are with only one income is a real blessing. One of my daily prayers is for God to show us how best to pay the blessing forward.
9.) The Army. What an odd one you might think, but it is true. The Army has opened many doors for our little family. Insurance is the primary one. With that insurance the children have received outstanding medical care and options. Our son has the hearing aids he needs, the speech and occupational therapy the braces. We have also been able to see new places and hope to see many more along the way. It is also something that my husband loves and it makes him happy. It is a true blessing to see him growing into this role of a soldier and blossoming.
10.) The great big sky. Why the sky? Because it is big and blue, big and stormy. Because it is the same sky our families whether near or far are also under.
11.) The food on our table, the ability to properly store and prepare the food.
12.) The roof over our heads, the beds we sleep on, the carpet beneath our feet. Properly working heat and air, running water. The televisions we have.
13.) Technology. Through this we have phones and computers that connect us to our loved ones no matter where they are.
14.) The friends that we have made along the way. Friends back home who are more like family. Friends we met here that have become like family.
15.) The cultural experiences as a direct result of being an Army family. We live in a city that has a lot of Mexican influence. Being able to learn the language, shop in the stores, eat in the restaurants. The fact that our neighbors are of Mexican decent and Pilipino, and all of us getting together to cook out and share the food from our cultures. And let me tell you the Philippine people make an awesome egg roll.
16.) My Aunts in Michigan, the ones I grew up knowing and the ones I am finally getting to know. They all bring wisdom and laughter and smiles.
17.) My Mom. This is a hard one, especially after my childhood. But I know that somewhere in all of the bad times that she really did love my sister and I. It is my prayer that we can repair our relationship to be the mother daughter we were never able to be.
18.) For my one friend who came to stay with me in 2013 when I had surgery related to kidney stones. She moved into my house for one week to take care of my kids. This special person has so many burdens of her own, yet she put them aside to help me. I will forever be indebted to her.
19.) For the ocean. The waves crashing against the shore the vastness that you can't help but feel as if it is swallowing you and maybe one day I will get to live close to it.
20.) The mountains. The ones here that are brown and rocky and forbidding, but beginning to turn a little green. The ones back home that are so full of trees and life and refreshing.
21.) This is one that I miss, being in a dry area there isn't a lot of moisture, or running water. But I really love the creeks and rivers and lakes. I love going to the park and letting the kiddos splash around in the creek and meeting new people there.
22.) Back roads, to be specific Tennessee back roads, there is no better feeling than the radio blasting, the windows down and wind whipping your hair around.
23.) I'm weird for this one, but I love thunderstorms. I love the way they come roaring through and in the wake of them you find you withstood and have another chance another fresh slate. I love the way the skies look the feel of electricity in the air the smell of rain.
24.) Family time. Believe me the moments we are granted with our loved ones are to be treasured. I want to spend all my free time with the husband and kids. I don't like to leave them to go hang out with other people. I know that being a Military family our moments are sometimes few and far between. I want the kids and I to be able to reflect on the times we were all together when we are apart. Even with my oldest being in another state, I always tell him quality matters not that quantity.
25.) The Bible for being my guide book, especially the Psalms. I could never have survived the last job I held had it not been for a pocket Bible and the book of Psalms. I also love the book of Job, in dark times it reminds me that we can come through it all. Esther and Ruth and Titus, Thessalonians, Ephesians a true favorite and Proverbs.
26.) Libraries. I love books. Libraries are a way for me to consume, sorry read as many books as I want without having to buy them.
27.) A husband who loves to cook, and boy can he cook. I love how he teaches me to try new ways of preparing food. How he can watch a cooking show and then whip that same thing up in our kitchen. Through him I have found that I really don't mind cooking, that I enjoy making foods and that sharing that food is the best part.
28.) All the perks that are out there for Military Families. The discounts at stores and restaurants, theme parks, the list goes on. I am truly thankful that this is available to those who serve and their families. Not that I feel entitled or the need to be appreciated, but because contrary to popular belief military families are not rich and the discounts help us afford things we might not have afforded otherwise. Even the education offered to service members and their spouses.
29.) Being able to stay home with my babies. It was a dream as a child to grow up get married have kids and not work. At that time I had no idea what it meant to be a wife or a mother. To be honest I had no clue until recently. Again I refer to the Bible on this one, Proverbs 31, Ephesians 5. I love being home. Yes some days it is boring and other days overwhelming. Yes I do a lot, the laundry I cook two big meals a day. I am learning to cook more from scratch which makes it more challenging. I do the laundry and this is hard because we don't have a washer and dryer. But I love it. I didn't get to stay home until my oldest was nearly 11. I went to work when he was just six weeks old. He spent a lot of time in daycares. It was heart breaking to me.
30.) The men and women who choose to serve our country. For the sacrifices they and their families make in order to protect our freedoms.
31.) My in-laws. They are great people. I love when they get to come up here for a visit. I pray one day I can speak Spanish well enough to talk to them. They raised a good man, I am forever indebted to them for this.
32.) My children's laughter, it is like chocolate ice cream. It is like bells and fireworks and peace. It ripples over me like pebbles in a pond. It is the closest thing to Heaven on this earth.
33.) The clothes that we have. The ability to buy more to buy them new or to buy them used. I try to pass our clothes that we no longer need to others in need.
34.) To my church family in Tennessee. For all of their prayers. For all of them who gave my kids baths, who brought us food, who came to sit with us. This was 2013 when I had that surgery. For The Sister that came to the hospital when my daughter had surgery. For the Sunday School and Children's Church lessons taught. For being there for us through a lot over the years.
35.) To hospitals like Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. This hospital holds a special place in my heart because they laid the foundation for the care that my children now have.
36.) To the Doctor that started seeing my oldest son when he was six and saw my middle son for three years and who fought to help me get the care that my middle son needed. He only saw my daughter a few times, but he was awesome. He listened, he cared, he tried to help in all ways. He even answered questions we may have if we saw him at the grocery store.
37.) For the El Paso School For the Hearing Impaired. My middle son began this program in January of this year, within a month he was talking more than he ever had. He can now say phrases and is almost conversational.
38.) For the life I am granted each and everyday I wake up. For the chance to do better, be better than the day before. To spread the word and miracles of God and salvation. To hug my family each new day, to hear my children stirring in the next room every morning, to cooking breakfast and taking the kids places.
This was a little harder than I thought it would be. But I am glad I did it and happy to share it with you all. Be blessed and don't be afraid of getting older. I am 38 but if you add it 3+8 then you get 11
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Comfortable with me
Most people nowadays do not hold to the old saying that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, or that it isn't what is on the outside, but what is on the inside. I prefer to wear as little make up as possible. To let my hair hang wild and free. But I know how to polish it all off when I need to. I hope that through this honest portrayal of my face that maybe some of you too will be able to show your thoughts on yourself. I love to be comfortable, sometimes I feel sexy or soft or put together. I know that I have lines under my eyes sometimes and I know my make up is often so soft it doesn't cover them. But ultimately we all need to love ourselves because God made us just the way we are This is an unusual post as I wanted to share how I feel and look at various times. The main message here is that we must all come to accept how we look and who we are and be comfortable with that choice. This hasn't always been an easy thing for me to do. As I write this I am on the eve of turning 38 and I am confident enough to realize that this is me and I am happy with me.  |
| Ready for the kids appointments, feeling good, and just a hint of make up |
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| On this particular Saturday I felt soft and very beautiful |
A lazy Friday spent mostly at home 
I wear such a little amount of make up that it is often hard to distinguish the difference
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| Chose Glasses on this day, ready for a day on the town with hubby and kids, the most noticeable part of my make up is my lip gloss |
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| Easy going church look, you can't tell but I've actually got eye shadow and lip gloss along with my BB Cream and powder |
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| An easy day of relaxation, just the kids and I so no make up or contacts |
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| Another day of appointments with the kids, but feeling more like impressing. As you can tell I am really digging the side braid. Full make up here, not that you can tell |
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| Hubby gets Pinned! I wanted to show up and impress him, so I put together this slinky outfit and I felt on top of the world. |
Monday, July 28, 2014
Listening Skills
Sunday at Church we had a sermon about listening, truly listening not just saying things to make the other person listen. How many of us really listen to what is being said to us? I have to admit I am guilty of this when my kids speak. Even my husband is learning as our son begins to speak more and more that he needs to really listen. For instance my son said "Yea time to play Poppy's phone" and my husband not really listening, (keep in mind our son has a bit of a speech delay so it hasn't always been clear what he is saying) and my husband responds with "Yes" so guess who had to hand over his phone for the little one to play games?
Here is the scriptural path that we took on Sunday, maybe there is a message in there for you too.
The pastor started with James 1:19-21 19) Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: Which means listen closely to what is said and then quite possibly you will hear the entire message and there will be no need to be angry. This is often hard to do when you communicate via text messages and Facebook, because body language and tone cannot be read through a message it must be experienced first hand. 20) For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God, this is explained in my Bible this way: Trials require silence and patience because talk inflames anger, and anger inflames talk. Anger also distracts from listening to God. 21) Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls.
We then moved over to Ephesians 4 starting with 14) That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive. We must continue to grow into the word in order to keep from being swayed by false doctrine. There is a lot of that out there especially with the internet. 15) But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ.
Proverbs 15: 1) A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. You can remove anger from the equation by a gentle response, knowledge as a heated response it will fuel the flame. 2)The tongue of the wise useth, Knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness. 3) The eyes of the Lord are in every place, beholding the evil and the good. 4) A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit. Be kind to those around you. Try to be patient with others even as they annoy you. I will be the first to say that this is very hard to do. I find it nearly impossible to deal with people who work in fast food restaurants this is one area I pray that the Lord will convict me and help me to be a much better and nicer person. Also having to deal with the referral department for our insurance is a major stumbling block for keeping my anger in check.
Ephesians 5:33) Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. This can be achieved by each partner agreeing to love the other through the good and the bad. I get a lot of negative feedback when people find out that I talk to my husband about everything. We make all decisions both the big and the small together. Each day I tell him what the kids and I will be up to. Since his work days are pretty much the same day to day he doesn't always explain unless it is a deviation from the norm. Every night over dinner we discuss our days and things coming up. We are a team.
Luke 6:45)A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.
I hope that you enjoy reading these scriptures and that maybe they will also speak to you. I enjoy sharing the scriptures that I hear in Church along with other things going on in my life. I am trying to be a better Christian, Wife, Mother, Daughter, sister and the list goes on. One day I pray that I can minister to other young believers the way that so many others have ministered to me. May peace be with each of you
Here is the scriptural path that we took on Sunday, maybe there is a message in there for you too.
The pastor started with James 1:19-21 19) Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: Which means listen closely to what is said and then quite possibly you will hear the entire message and there will be no need to be angry. This is often hard to do when you communicate via text messages and Facebook, because body language and tone cannot be read through a message it must be experienced first hand. 20) For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God, this is explained in my Bible this way: Trials require silence and patience because talk inflames anger, and anger inflames talk. Anger also distracts from listening to God. 21) Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls.
We then moved over to Ephesians 4 starting with 14) That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive. We must continue to grow into the word in order to keep from being swayed by false doctrine. There is a lot of that out there especially with the internet. 15) But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ.
Proverbs 15: 1) A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. You can remove anger from the equation by a gentle response, knowledge as a heated response it will fuel the flame. 2)The tongue of the wise useth, Knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness. 3) The eyes of the Lord are in every place, beholding the evil and the good. 4) A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit. Be kind to those around you. Try to be patient with others even as they annoy you. I will be the first to say that this is very hard to do. I find it nearly impossible to deal with people who work in fast food restaurants this is one area I pray that the Lord will convict me and help me to be a much better and nicer person. Also having to deal with the referral department for our insurance is a major stumbling block for keeping my anger in check.
Ephesians 5:33) Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. This can be achieved by each partner agreeing to love the other through the good and the bad. I get a lot of negative feedback when people find out that I talk to my husband about everything. We make all decisions both the big and the small together. Each day I tell him what the kids and I will be up to. Since his work days are pretty much the same day to day he doesn't always explain unless it is a deviation from the norm. Every night over dinner we discuss our days and things coming up. We are a team.
Luke 6:45)A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.
I hope that you enjoy reading these scriptures and that maybe they will also speak to you. I enjoy sharing the scriptures that I hear in Church along with other things going on in my life. I am trying to be a better Christian, Wife, Mother, Daughter, sister and the list goes on. One day I pray that I can minister to other young believers the way that so many others have ministered to me. May peace be with each of you
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Confirmation
It all began so slowly, the little pieces sliding into place one at a time. I didn't see it coming at first, I just knew the rumblings of change were upon me.
The past few Sunday's at church they had been going in depth on a sermon called Home Improvement. They covered pretty much all of Ephesians Chapter 5. We went through the ways of a believer which are as follows 1) Be ye therefore as followers of God, as dear children 2) And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for sweet-smelling savor. Then it got down to the meat of the sermon 3) But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not once be named among you, as becometh Saints. 4) Neither filthiness nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks. And That was a focus point, the giving of thanks. How many of really Thank God for everything? For the house the food, the rough day at work? In all things we are to give thanks.
The next part is one of my personal favorites as it addresses more of our actions. Ephesians 5:6) Let no man deceive you with vain words; for because of these things cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience. 7)Be not ye therefore partakers with them. 8) For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of the light. 9) For the Fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and righteousness and truth; 10) Proving what is acceptable unto the Lord. So basically if you look at your life, what you watch or listen to or who you hang out with, is this something that would embarrass you should the Lord return at the very moment? Even I am guilty of this. I love music, I love the way it makes me feel, and though I try to filter out the worst of it, I'm sure it doesn't necessarily fall into the category of "keeping my eyes on the Lord" The same with movies and television shows. Now as for people and vain words, have you seen facebook lately?
They did an entire sermon on the next few also. Ephesians 5:11) And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them. 12) For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret. (Whew we all have quite a few secrets don't we?) 13) But all things that are reproved are made manifest by the light: for whatsoever doth make manifest is light.
I love how the next two are worded, they give you hope when you have been stumbling around in the darkness. Ephesians 14) Wherefore he saith, Awake thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light. 15) See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise. I have been struggling with finding my place back in the Lord's fold. Of hearing the Lord's voice again. I have been praying everyday to see the light yet again, and there I was in church hearing the words relating to all that was being said and drowning.
So then one Sunday I hear the sermon from Ephesians 4:20) But ye have not so learned Christ; 210 if so be that ye have heard him, and have been taught by him, as the truth is in Jesus: 22) That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; 23) And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; 24) and that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. Ah it was all coming together, I was nearing the point where I wanted to brush aside all of the cobwebs in my mind. The ones that are restraining me, trapping me in a horrid Memory Lane. I don't want to be there anymore.
And see I have also been struggling with what type of mother I was to my oldest son, that my sins interfered with his early childhood. My sins that turned me into a crazy person. One that lusted after men, after popularity, after being the best at whatever I was pursuing that moment. I gave my all to everything but God and my son and this has been eating me alive.
So needless to say Ephesians 4: 25) Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbors for we are members of one another. This was the opening to the marriage sermon. Can you function without one appendage on your body? Well you should think of your partner just like this. And when things get rocky remember Ephesians 4:26) Be ye Angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath. 27) Neither give place to the devil. And this was brought into the family relationships which brings me to another toxic place in my past. At this point I knew where God was taking this.
Starting with Ephesians 29) it got more in depth and it is as follows: Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. 30) And grieve not the hold Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. 31) Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice. 32) And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
I need a lot of help with this. I need to find my way out of the darkness that has been trying to overcome me for years. Finally I am ready to embark upon this journey. I know the end result will be the inner peace I have been searching for. The harmony that I need to encompass all parts of my marriage. There are areas that I struggle with and areas that I excel at.
I end with this, if you read any of these scriptures and they speak to you the way they did to me, then heed God's call just as I am doing.
MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL
The past few Sunday's at church they had been going in depth on a sermon called Home Improvement. They covered pretty much all of Ephesians Chapter 5. We went through the ways of a believer which are as follows 1) Be ye therefore as followers of God, as dear children 2) And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for sweet-smelling savor. Then it got down to the meat of the sermon 3) But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not once be named among you, as becometh Saints. 4) Neither filthiness nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks. And That was a focus point, the giving of thanks. How many of really Thank God for everything? For the house the food, the rough day at work? In all things we are to give thanks.
The next part is one of my personal favorites as it addresses more of our actions. Ephesians 5:6) Let no man deceive you with vain words; for because of these things cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience. 7)Be not ye therefore partakers with them. 8) For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of the light. 9) For the Fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness and righteousness and truth; 10) Proving what is acceptable unto the Lord. So basically if you look at your life, what you watch or listen to or who you hang out with, is this something that would embarrass you should the Lord return at the very moment? Even I am guilty of this. I love music, I love the way it makes me feel, and though I try to filter out the worst of it, I'm sure it doesn't necessarily fall into the category of "keeping my eyes on the Lord" The same with movies and television shows. Now as for people and vain words, have you seen facebook lately?
They did an entire sermon on the next few also. Ephesians 5:11) And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them. 12) For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret. (Whew we all have quite a few secrets don't we?) 13) But all things that are reproved are made manifest by the light: for whatsoever doth make manifest is light.
I love how the next two are worded, they give you hope when you have been stumbling around in the darkness. Ephesians 14) Wherefore he saith, Awake thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light. 15) See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise. I have been struggling with finding my place back in the Lord's fold. Of hearing the Lord's voice again. I have been praying everyday to see the light yet again, and there I was in church hearing the words relating to all that was being said and drowning.
So then one Sunday I hear the sermon from Ephesians 4:20) But ye have not so learned Christ; 210 if so be that ye have heard him, and have been taught by him, as the truth is in Jesus: 22) That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; 23) And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; 24) and that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness. Ah it was all coming together, I was nearing the point where I wanted to brush aside all of the cobwebs in my mind. The ones that are restraining me, trapping me in a horrid Memory Lane. I don't want to be there anymore.
And see I have also been struggling with what type of mother I was to my oldest son, that my sins interfered with his early childhood. My sins that turned me into a crazy person. One that lusted after men, after popularity, after being the best at whatever I was pursuing that moment. I gave my all to everything but God and my son and this has been eating me alive.
So needless to say Ephesians 4: 25) Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbors for we are members of one another. This was the opening to the marriage sermon. Can you function without one appendage on your body? Well you should think of your partner just like this. And when things get rocky remember Ephesians 4:26) Be ye Angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath. 27) Neither give place to the devil. And this was brought into the family relationships which brings me to another toxic place in my past. At this point I knew where God was taking this.
Starting with Ephesians 29) it got more in depth and it is as follows: Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. 30) And grieve not the hold Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. 31) Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice. 32) And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
I need a lot of help with this. I need to find my way out of the darkness that has been trying to overcome me for years. Finally I am ready to embark upon this journey. I know the end result will be the inner peace I have been searching for. The harmony that I need to encompass all parts of my marriage. There are areas that I struggle with and areas that I excel at.
I end with this, if you read any of these scriptures and they speak to you the way they did to me, then heed God's call just as I am doing.
MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL
Friday, July 11, 2014
The Sins of a Mother
It is November 1999, I am on top of my game, or so I think. I have a decent job in a factory, I'm finally making my truck payments on my own. I live with my Dad. I smoke, and I love to smoke! Camel Lights a pack and half a day. During the week I keep a low profile. Work is early in the morning and by afternoon I'm exhausted. The weekends are mine. I love to party. I love men. Oh yea, I got it going on, or so I think.
My Mom gets a new neighbor and wouldn't you know it's a cop, an older cop, but not so bad. He has parties and he invites me over. So in addition to my Friday night margarita night, I go to his place. Needless to say I am not thinking clearly, not at all. I am all caught up in the uniform and the appearance of possible money.
I make a huge mistake by going to his place one afternoon, and just after it all begins he realizes what he has done, because he has a daughter just a few years younger than me. But at that time I was fair game. I just wanted to be loved.
So anyway I am pregnant. I am frantically trying to figure out if there is a way out of this situation. How can I possibly tell my father? How can I even consider keeping this baby? So I pray hard to God, I ask him to help me, to show me, and sure enough I am still pregnant.
I am still smoking, I am still drinking, I am hiding this secret from all but a few close friends. I am ashamed of myself. How could this happen now, after the divorce? How could this happen when I am finally beginning a new life. I have been trying to keep my partying down to the weekends, trying to do the right thing, and now this.
So I ended up getting morning sickness pretty bad. It stayed with me all day and most of the night. I drank a lot of slushies', ate a lot of crackers, I puked a lot. I puked so much and just about everywhere. I was beginning to recognize toilet brands and who had what brand. It was horrible. Because I was still smoking, I got a horrible sinus infection. I finally quit smoking at just about the three month mark. By this time I am no longer employed at the factory, instead I am working at a McDonalds. Still living with my Dad, not paying my bills.
My father and I are at odds over this. Mostly over what I wanted to name the baby and my irresponsibility that landed me in this situation. Though it was not the highlight of our relationship, I can say that for the most part he was there for me.
Where was the baby's father? Well he was long gone. He told me that this was not, could not be his baby. After all I was known to have quite the male following.
So I end up delivering a beautiful baby boy on a sunny July Day. He was so cute, and he looked like his Dad. I remember when I went into labor and this feeling of dread overcame me. The feeling that nothing will ever be the same and my life was now changed forever.
I brought this beautiful baby home with me, I have decided to formula feed him. When asked if I would breast feed I said no, and nothing more was ever said. No one tried to explain to me the benefits of breast feeding. I count that has my first injustice to my son.
So my baby cries and cries and cries and cries some more. I have no clue as to what I should do with him. I am stressed, I am tired, and I am angry. I am angry at him, at my situation, at the world. My mom was a huge help to me by coming to hold him. By letting me stay with her and helping me through the nights. This baby was up every two hours.
I loved him so very much, but I was still clinging to the hope that I could be normal again. That I could hang out with my friends that I could go places without my baby. My mom made this possible and before I knew it I was partying again. Smoking and drinking and living the high life.
It got worse from here. It started as one innocent party then it went into becoming a bar fly. This was the pattern for nearly seven years. I loved my baby boy. I tried to give him everything that he could possibly want and more, but the one thing I could not give him was all of my heart.
I would sleep off hangovers on the floor next to him. I would go places with him and my Dad hung over or counting down the hours until I would be free. I gave so much to others, but not enough to him.
As he grew, he became sullen and sometimes angry. But there again he was living in a volatile situation. Things were not rosy between my Mom and I. We fought all of the time. Rages with throwing things and swearing. It was a battlefield.
By the time he was nearly seven, I had grabbed onto a lifeline and was slowly pulling myself back to sanity. We were going to church, I wasn't drinking, I was trying to quit smoking. My Mom had moved out of state, so for the first time in nearly four years I was without my primary babysitter. The downside was my sister moved in with us. She too had her own demons and was also expecting a baby.
We fought a lot. To this day my Son still talks about the argument where my sister threw a laundry basket at our dog. I was trying to turn over a new leaf, I was trying to make up for all that I had done. And somehow out of the darkness I met the man that would save us all.
So I am now pregnant, and married and my son is struggling to find his place in all of this change. I tell myself I am being supportive, but was I? It was hard on all of us. He was trying to find his place with a new father figure and a new baby. But somehow we made it work. It was an uneasy truce between him and my new husband.
And then my husband leaves for basic training nearly two years after coming into our lives. It is now my son, my baby, and me. I am trying to continue working. I am beyond stressed, I miss my husband, and my son is so unhappy. It was like a constant hurricane was blowing against our lives. I finally quit my job so that I could be a full time mom, because my oldest needed me and my youngest was starting to show signs of needing special services.
This time proves to be a turning point in our relationship. We are looking forward to the future, but neither my son nor I know if it will all work out. It didn't. Right before we were getting ready to pull up stakes and move to my husband's first duty station, I send my son to stay with his Dad for a week. I never get him back.
On a rainy Thursday afternoon, when I am sick and stressed and trying to get things in order for the move, I hear a knock on my door. I am being served custody papers that state that if I leave or I take my son out of the state I would lose custody.
My world fell apart, my heart stopped beating for several minutes. The moment I had always feared, always known would come to pass was now here. I tried so hard on that beautiful sunny Friday to find a lawyer who could help me. But I was cornered. I was expecting another child, I had my middle son who needed therapy services, which had all been stopped as we awaited our moving date, and my husband needed the car that I had, it was our only car. Everything was ready to be moved on the following Tuesday. The lawyers didn't want to touch my case because I had unknowingly broken the law by telling my son's father verbally that I was moving, not giving him a 6o day notarized written letter. Finally one lawyer broke it down to me that if my son's father was his client he would have advised him to let me move our son and then make the move. It was a horrible day.
Late that Friday afternoon I walked into a lawyer's office sobbing and signed the paperwork. The staff was rude to me. They were judging me without knowing the full story. I got to see my son that weekend and on Monday night I had to take him back to his Dad's house.
For two years now I get to see him for a few weeks a year. Luckily in 2013 I had the opportunity to return to my home state and spend almost a year there and I had my son a lot. But our relationship isn't the same. We don't know each other like we did. We try to call everyday, but it doesn't always work out.
Every time I see my son he tells me how his Dad says this or that about me or the situation. I hold my peace. I finally told him that he had my maiden name until he was nearly three years old. But I want to make sure that he never hears me speak ill of his Dad, let his Dad say what he will.
Tell your children as they are growing to make wise decisions. The only victim in this situation is my son. All his life he has belonged to two families and it has been really hard on him to figure out where he belongs.
My Mom gets a new neighbor and wouldn't you know it's a cop, an older cop, but not so bad. He has parties and he invites me over. So in addition to my Friday night margarita night, I go to his place. Needless to say I am not thinking clearly, not at all. I am all caught up in the uniform and the appearance of possible money.
I make a huge mistake by going to his place one afternoon, and just after it all begins he realizes what he has done, because he has a daughter just a few years younger than me. But at that time I was fair game. I just wanted to be loved.
So anyway I am pregnant. I am frantically trying to figure out if there is a way out of this situation. How can I possibly tell my father? How can I even consider keeping this baby? So I pray hard to God, I ask him to help me, to show me, and sure enough I am still pregnant.
I am still smoking, I am still drinking, I am hiding this secret from all but a few close friends. I am ashamed of myself. How could this happen now, after the divorce? How could this happen when I am finally beginning a new life. I have been trying to keep my partying down to the weekends, trying to do the right thing, and now this.
So I ended up getting morning sickness pretty bad. It stayed with me all day and most of the night. I drank a lot of slushies', ate a lot of crackers, I puked a lot. I puked so much and just about everywhere. I was beginning to recognize toilet brands and who had what brand. It was horrible. Because I was still smoking, I got a horrible sinus infection. I finally quit smoking at just about the three month mark. By this time I am no longer employed at the factory, instead I am working at a McDonalds. Still living with my Dad, not paying my bills.
My father and I are at odds over this. Mostly over what I wanted to name the baby and my irresponsibility that landed me in this situation. Though it was not the highlight of our relationship, I can say that for the most part he was there for me.
Where was the baby's father? Well he was long gone. He told me that this was not, could not be his baby. After all I was known to have quite the male following.
So I end up delivering a beautiful baby boy on a sunny July Day. He was so cute, and he looked like his Dad. I remember when I went into labor and this feeling of dread overcame me. The feeling that nothing will ever be the same and my life was now changed forever.
I brought this beautiful baby home with me, I have decided to formula feed him. When asked if I would breast feed I said no, and nothing more was ever said. No one tried to explain to me the benefits of breast feeding. I count that has my first injustice to my son.
So my baby cries and cries and cries and cries some more. I have no clue as to what I should do with him. I am stressed, I am tired, and I am angry. I am angry at him, at my situation, at the world. My mom was a huge help to me by coming to hold him. By letting me stay with her and helping me through the nights. This baby was up every two hours.
I loved him so very much, but I was still clinging to the hope that I could be normal again. That I could hang out with my friends that I could go places without my baby. My mom made this possible and before I knew it I was partying again. Smoking and drinking and living the high life.
It got worse from here. It started as one innocent party then it went into becoming a bar fly. This was the pattern for nearly seven years. I loved my baby boy. I tried to give him everything that he could possibly want and more, but the one thing I could not give him was all of my heart.
I would sleep off hangovers on the floor next to him. I would go places with him and my Dad hung over or counting down the hours until I would be free. I gave so much to others, but not enough to him.
As he grew, he became sullen and sometimes angry. But there again he was living in a volatile situation. Things were not rosy between my Mom and I. We fought all of the time. Rages with throwing things and swearing. It was a battlefield.
By the time he was nearly seven, I had grabbed onto a lifeline and was slowly pulling myself back to sanity. We were going to church, I wasn't drinking, I was trying to quit smoking. My Mom had moved out of state, so for the first time in nearly four years I was without my primary babysitter. The downside was my sister moved in with us. She too had her own demons and was also expecting a baby.
We fought a lot. To this day my Son still talks about the argument where my sister threw a laundry basket at our dog. I was trying to turn over a new leaf, I was trying to make up for all that I had done. And somehow out of the darkness I met the man that would save us all.
So I am now pregnant, and married and my son is struggling to find his place in all of this change. I tell myself I am being supportive, but was I? It was hard on all of us. He was trying to find his place with a new father figure and a new baby. But somehow we made it work. It was an uneasy truce between him and my new husband.
And then my husband leaves for basic training nearly two years after coming into our lives. It is now my son, my baby, and me. I am trying to continue working. I am beyond stressed, I miss my husband, and my son is so unhappy. It was like a constant hurricane was blowing against our lives. I finally quit my job so that I could be a full time mom, because my oldest needed me and my youngest was starting to show signs of needing special services.
This time proves to be a turning point in our relationship. We are looking forward to the future, but neither my son nor I know if it will all work out. It didn't. Right before we were getting ready to pull up stakes and move to my husband's first duty station, I send my son to stay with his Dad for a week. I never get him back.
On a rainy Thursday afternoon, when I am sick and stressed and trying to get things in order for the move, I hear a knock on my door. I am being served custody papers that state that if I leave or I take my son out of the state I would lose custody.
My world fell apart, my heart stopped beating for several minutes. The moment I had always feared, always known would come to pass was now here. I tried so hard on that beautiful sunny Friday to find a lawyer who could help me. But I was cornered. I was expecting another child, I had my middle son who needed therapy services, which had all been stopped as we awaited our moving date, and my husband needed the car that I had, it was our only car. Everything was ready to be moved on the following Tuesday. The lawyers didn't want to touch my case because I had unknowingly broken the law by telling my son's father verbally that I was moving, not giving him a 6o day notarized written letter. Finally one lawyer broke it down to me that if my son's father was his client he would have advised him to let me move our son and then make the move. It was a horrible day.
Late that Friday afternoon I walked into a lawyer's office sobbing and signed the paperwork. The staff was rude to me. They were judging me without knowing the full story. I got to see my son that weekend and on Monday night I had to take him back to his Dad's house.
For two years now I get to see him for a few weeks a year. Luckily in 2013 I had the opportunity to return to my home state and spend almost a year there and I had my son a lot. But our relationship isn't the same. We don't know each other like we did. We try to call everyday, but it doesn't always work out.
Every time I see my son he tells me how his Dad says this or that about me or the situation. I hold my peace. I finally told him that he had my maiden name until he was nearly three years old. But I want to make sure that he never hears me speak ill of his Dad, let his Dad say what he will.
Tell your children as they are growing to make wise decisions. The only victim in this situation is my son. All his life he has belonged to two families and it has been really hard on him to figure out where he belongs.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Pictures That Bring Peace to My Soul
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| 1.) The Delta Garden At the Gaylord Opryland Hotel in Nashville Tennessee. |
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| 2.) Gulf Shores Alabama |
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| 3.) Gulf Shores Alabama |
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| 4.) Gulf Shores Alabama |
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| 5.) Gentry's Farm Franklin Tennessee |
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| 6.) Montgomery Bell State Park Trail as it crosses the creek near Hall Cemetery in Burns Tennessee |
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| 7.) One of the Boat Docks at Montgomery Bell State Park in Burns Tennessee |
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| 8.) Luther Lake Dickson Tennessee |
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| 9.) Dunbar Cave in Clarksville Tennessee |
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| 10.) These were picked for me by my oldest son |
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| 11.) Water Splashing up around a truck, this was taken on a dirt road in Burns Tennessee |
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| 12.) Buckner Park Ball Park Dickson Tennessee |
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| 13.) Taken from the back of a truck at the intersection of Hwy 47 and 46 in Dickson Tennessee |
Each one of these pictures has a story. A story that I am going to share with you in hopes that you too may find solace in the scenes just as I do.
1.) I recently came across this picture and realized that this picture was taken after Gaylord Opryland Hotel opened the Delta Gardens. It is such a lovely place, especially at Christmas. If you ever find yourself in Nashville during the holidays, go check out the Christmas lights at the hotel. It is a lot of walking, but worth every bit of it. This picture was taken before I became a mother, at a time when I was having an okay relationship with my mom and her close friend. All of us and my sister were there that day enjoy some laughter and relaxation.
2. through 4.) All Gulf Shores, probably from 2007. The first time I ever went there was in 2007. I had recently been fired from a job, it was a real wake up call. For a short time I took some time off from working and just let the unemployment coast me along. This was a time to get myself together and spend time with my oldest son. But I went to Gulf Shores in the Spring of 2007, and I fell in love with the ocean. I loved the sound of it, it just lulled me into a different place. Someday I hope to own a house close to the beach. I want to hear the waves lapping at the sand. These pictures were on the cubicle at my last job. They were there to soothe me on rough days.
5.) Gentry's Farm. I was barely pregnant in the fall of 2008. I went here on the spur of the moment with my sister, my oldest son, and her new baby. It was a warm day. But it was nice to see the pumpkin patch, get lost in the corn maze, check out the barn. This is one of the oldest working farms in Tennessee. The main house was beautiful. This was a little boat dock the hay ride took you past. I was still working at this time and I hung this picture up at my cubicle to remind me of warm sunny days.
6.) The trail that runs between Hall Cemetery and Montgomery Bell State park is a very long trail. It is a nice trail to just mosey along and enjoy the sounds of nature. I just happened to come across this picture in my picture box and thought it looked so pretty and peaceful.
7.) This is one of the boat docks at Montgomery Bell State Park. The entire park has a lot of trails that take you back into the woods but civilization is always close by. Its so nice to take the kids and walk a trail and wade in a creek or stand by the lakes and watch the ducks.
8.) Luther Lake is a wonderful little lake with Ducks and sometimes you can see a turtle. It's in the middle of town, but you can walk around the lake and if you go often enough you will see the same people pretty much everyday. There was an older gentleman with two prosthetic legs who walked around this lake every day no matter the weather. I often wonder if he is still out there walking. When I would drive by him I would think to myself "girl you are so lazy, look at this man and his drive to reach a goal, because I'm sure that is why he is out here"
9.) I went to Dunbar Cave in Clarksville Tennessee many years ago. I snapped this picture and it actually turned out pretty good. I used to have a copy of it framed and hanging on my wall. This was also around the time I was still thinking I might be a photographer.
10.) My oldest son picked these for me from the field across from our house. I put them in this pretty green vase. To me the gesture was the same as if he had given me roses.
11.) This was during the time I wanted to write a book about small town life and include pictures. My sister is actually the one who rode in the back of the truck to get the perfect shot. I bet it took at least ten tries to get it right. Of course back when this was taken we were using 35mm film.
12.) This was taken in 1998. This was also one of the days that my life took a turn. My best friend that I had been inseparable from since our sophomore year was moving to Arkansas. I was so sad that day and the shading in this picture to me reflects that sadness.
13.) Like I said, small town life reflected in pictures taken from the back of a truck, and by my sister.
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