Pondering

It is nearly the witching hour and here I sit.


My mind is full of the study guide I just read for my class.


I need to sleep, yet not ready to let the dreams claim me.


I'm cringing on the inside and tiny bit ashamed at my horrible eating habits this week. Already I have eaten out at really fatty places three times this week, with one more tomorrow.


It's been a good week.


A lot of great meetings with great people and one more to come tomorrow. I am making myself go because I seriously need to get the kids and I out a lot more. I also need to spend this time with another churchgoer so that maybe I can find my way back.


My daily prayer is that God will shine his light into the deep darkness that is shrouding my life. That the skies will clear and like a cold winter's night I will hear his voice echoing across the sky.


I used to hear his voice,


that is when I listened only to gospel music.


Read my Bible every single day sometimes multiple times.


Things started to shift when my daughter was born. The world began to tilt a bit to the side.


Now it is completely upside down.


I have all that I need, I try to pass the blessings on. I strive to be a better person each day.


Like the Pastor at church said it is the darkness inside of us that we are afraid to forgive. We forgive those who wronged us but not us. I am confused on this point, have I truly asked for redemption. Gotten down to nothing and cried out like Job? I am not sure.


Why cannot I answer this question that plagues me so? Am I going to Heaven or Hell.


I love God, my kids my husband my friends my family.


What have I done wrong and why is the gate on that narrow path swinging back and forth?


Will I find the peace that I so desperately seek before it is too late?


Lord be with me as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death....


No I am not suicidal, this is actually one of my favorites Psalm 23, it reminds me of walking through the valley knowing you are alone but God is going to guide you and bring you back into the light.


I always read the Psalms starting at 23.


That is true comfort.


B. Alwildia Garcia


December 29, 2015