Christmas is upon us, but it hasn't made me feel excited. One radio station that plays Christmas music, though not the ones I have come to love. I am certain should I hear the favorites it would not matter.
I am in a blah place. Stressors from my home state plague me. Daily I wait for phone calls and updates. I struggle with placing blame upon myself and anger toward one other in particular. I feel upbeat and straight to hopeless. I am hanging in, but only on the margins. I sent out only one Christmas card one week before Christmas. My Christmas presents for home also went out that same day.
The day my husband began cleaning part of the house, I knew I was failing. Any façade of normalcy was not holding up. I cannot bring myself to accomplish more than one task a day. My two I am exhausted and ready to lie on the couch and watch cartoons with my daughter.
Snow surrounding us, and falling continually makes me feel trapped. Even when the beautiful sunlight fills the sky and brightens the world, I feel the cold.
I am sad. So very sad. I don't know how to express this to my loving and kind husband. He certainly does not deserve a wife that is sad. I desperately try to keep up. To get kids ready for the day. One on the bus with water and snack in hand. I struggle to deal with a hyper child left in my care all day long every day. Then it is time to make supper and clean up the mess and begin bedtime routines. But most nights I do not fall into bed exhausted, but rather defeated.
I am fairly certain that my husband does not understand how debilitating sadness can be. How it can control your life and make you eat all day long. How it can make you stare at the walls and barely function.
With him going to work later and coming home earlier, he has been around a lot more. He is seeing more of what isn't being done. Hearing more of the excuses. I think he sees laziness. I think he is slightly disappointed in me. I know I am disappointed in me.
Soon we will know if he gets to visit his family for eleven days. I will remain behind with our kids. My oldest will be adjusting to whatever new reality he has. I will be alone. I can feel the cold and the empty house. I can imagine the smaller meals barely put together. The kids laughing and playing and me retreating from it all.
This new place we are in is quite intimidating at the moment. I have never been one to travel far from home unless necessary. By far I mean more than twenty minutes. I don't know why this is. I know there are places I will want to go, but out of lack of desire to accomplish such a feat, I will remain home. Eleven days is a long time to a lonely heart. Eleven days is an eternity to one trapped in a bubble of sadness.
Make no mistake, though I am sad for his departure, I get it. He doesn't get to see his family as often as I do. I want him to go. I want to share him with his mother. But I want to keep him too.
As this morning progressed, I could only hear him nagging. Or was it lecturing? Get WIC he says. Why? We don't use any of the stuff except bread and eggs. It is an effort I don't have in me to extend to the process. It will be off post, thus out of my comfort zone. Convenience. That is my motto. I did manage to make his two requested drinks and not burn the bacon today. I also managed to get our son on the bus during this time. I know my husband means well. But I also know that he doesn't fully understand and probably doesn't want to accept that I am sad.
Enough of my sad story.
Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas
December 21 2016
No comments:
Post a Comment