I Am The One...

I am the one who made the decision to carry whatever it was we did not have to that next fateful step.

I am the one who knew the moment that baby was conceived.
  Who denied it to herself.
    Who tried so hard to push past the constant fatigue.

Margarita night was the night I knew for sure.
  Always able to down those hefty margaritas until that one night when they did not stay down.

I cried. I worried. I stressed. I wanted to die.

I was afraid. Pride and Disappointment were foremost in my mind. Fear followed closely behind.

Newly divorced. Finally getting my life back in order after being cast aside by one not worthy.

The job is good, I kind of like the anonymity it gives me.
  Disappearing into the cold to package frozen eggs, sausage and cheese.
   Picking up from the ashes of dream laid to ruin by one who never cared.

Infatuated by  the new older neighbor who happened to be a cop.
 Mysterious and funny.
  With plenty of alcohol to go around.

I wanted to fit in.
  I wanted to be in control of my life for once.
   I wanted to matter.

When I told him of what was to be he laughed at me.
  He said it was not a possibility, he was so much older than me.

Oh but it was true.

I lost the job and the insurance.

Morning sickness so bad it brought me to the porcelain God everywhere I went. From the moment my feet hit the floor until finally collapsing in exhaustion, I was sick.

I could keep down smoothies, and later on craved salads.

I puked so much and in so many places I became with what brands of toilets were most commonly in public places. The cold and dirty floors beneath me giving me the penance I felt I deserved. I drank until after the New Year. Then I sat on the floor and prayed to God, If this is going to be how it is, then so be it. Just get me through.

With deep regret this Daddy's Girl told her father she was pregnant. I watched the emotions play across his face. Then the anger at me settled in. He had many fears about what this baby would turn out. But at that time in his life he was most worried about how this would ruin his reputation. Reputation really mattered to him during this time.

Thus I began a journey of very little support. Of bribery to not name my child a name of my choosing, but rather one of the family names. I was working at Mcdonald's, not pulling my own weight. Avoiding my bed at my father's house, choosing instead to sleep on the couch at my mother's house.

My father felt like this was his shame.

But what he never realized is that I was ashamed enough for all of us. That I actually hated myself so badly during this time. I tried so hard to loose this baby. I even at one point seriously considered adoption. I Knew in my heart I wasn't ready. I knew I was going to be doing this alone. That I was not mature enough. That I was damaged.

Damaged.

That is putting it lightly.

But then somewhere along the way after I had finally kicked the habit of smoking until I nearly coughed up a lung, I decided that I could change, I could try.

I was not a beautiful pregnant girl. Not by a long shot. I was an already too skinny girl carrying a huge belly. My butt got bigger, my belly was huge, my shoe size went up one size. I worked a Mcdonald's. But I did manage to get on Welfare in order to get a place of my own. I was trying to be the change. I was trying to be positive.

For a little while, I actually had a great relationship with my own mother. I can honestly say that at that time she was the only one who believed in me. The only one who got me through that dark time.

I carry a lot of battle scars, and this pregnancy is one of the biggest.

I didn't know God during this time. All I knew was that I was about to have a baby.

December 10, 2016

B. Alwildia Garcia