There have been many moments of late where my emotions are up and then crashing hard into the ground. Where the anger swarms over me and cannot be pushed aside or the anguish of past hurts and lost loves nearly drowns me in the swamp of mistakes.
I feel pain, I feel overwhelming love and hurt.
Lost in the darkness of my soul that is attempting to cling to the light. Yes, Jesus saves! Yes, I am saved, but depression has it's dirty claws wrapped tightly and struggling to be free makes them dig deeper.
I cry out into the darkness, I writhe in the hurt on the floor of my bedroom. While no one can see the battle on the inside, they see the façade.
FAKE
To my kids I give my all and then even more than that. I give them every moment of every day that I possibly can of myself and my heart. I try to withdraw, but they drag me back. Their needs and whims are met and taken care of and very well.
Not that I am bragging. I make sure they have what they want to eat, water bottles, blankets, and snacks. Diffusers with nice essential oils to lull them off to sleep. I hug them and love them and get them to the places they need to be.
Support of my husband is equal to support of my country. I listen to him, struggle with submission and not asking questions as is his dream. I try to lose weight eat better be better and in the end I am a mess.
I am not who I was.
This is much better, but somehow in the mix I lost my soul and the ability to live and breathe and be spontaneous and how to be fun and relax. I used to dance and sing and yes there may have been drinking, that is not the part I miss. Once I felt beautiful and wanted now I feel old and washed out and alone and unwanted.
I know those around me love me respect me need me admire me.
But I am lost at sea.
Memories are always on the surface and no one really listens to hear my words only how they can offer up a solution to something that is in my mind my heart and my soul.
I love my husband and need him desperately. But I often wonder if I am really the right wife for him, the right mother for my kids.
When you have one that you have wronged and can never correct nor erase the wrongs how can you expect to do right by the other two? When you live in doubt of whether or not your husband really does love and want your oldest son around. When the stress of towing the line and making him and everyone else happy becomes to much.
How easy it would be to quit kicking and instead let go and slip beneath the surface of the water and let the darkness wash over you as you sink to the bottom and the life under the sea barely makes room for your decent because even here it matters not whether you are truly happy or merely surviving. Meet their needs and you will be complete.
Where do I go from here? Continue down or fight my way back up to the top? When do I throw in the towel?
Fight is what I hear, but fight for what? For me or for them?
Lord help me bring me through this tumultuous time.
Psalm 23
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