For the second week in a row I am fairly certain I am hearing a message that God has for me. Things are kind of up in the air for us right now. We know for a certainty what is happening at the end of the year, we just don't know exactly the where and how exactly the kids and I will be affected. I have been praying, hubby is praying. I know what a tiny piece of my heart wants, but I also know that I am in a comfort zone.
I came to El Paso in March of 2012. To be exact we were here before Saint Patrick's day. I was newly pregnant, our son was on the cusp of beginning preschool and this was hubby's first duty station. I was terrified and angry. My oldest son was still in Tennessee. The following months spent in El Paso were not overly memorable. I was scared, hot, pregnant and anxious to get back home.
Being back home was a blessing in many ways and in other ways it was a tough lesson about true friendship and lack of support. Let it be said that I will never go back home when husband is deployed ever again. By the end of 2013 I couldn't wait to get back out to El Paso.
This time I embraced being here. I came with an open mind and let of my fears and stereotypes. My husband always jokes with me that no one is going to kidnap someone as old as me. But the point is that once I embraced being here things started falling into place. I haven't made a ton of new friends and one of my closest friends has moved, but I have found a place where I feel good.
PWOC was something I approached thinking okay this may not be for me. This may be something to try and then just go on doing my own thing. But it wasn't like MOPS, which was a place that after almost a year of going on and off. MOPS didn't call out to me, it didn't reach me deep down inside. In fact many of the times I was there I felt like an outsider. But one meeting with PWOC and I knew this is where I needed to be. This was a place where I could hear God's voice, and the people around me were filled with the spirit and his grace.
I can honestly say that after each meeting I walk away feeling fed. Not because there is always something yummy to eat, but because the messages are so powerful. The last two being about God's plan and growing where you are planted.
Things could still change, and I could still potentially find myself back in Tennessee living in my hometown for a year. But the more I pray the more messages I hear, I am beginning to think that this may not be happening.
I really enjoy being in our house on post. I love how big it is and how there is place for each of us to pull away and have quiet time. I love being in a neighborhood, I love being so close to everything. But I also really enjoy being in El Paso. Unlike many of the wives that I have encountered, I embrace the culture around me. I love hearing Spanish all around me.
The saddest thing for me it the racism displayed by fellow military wives. They have come to this place far from home and their comfort zone. Like me they were never used to being the minority. It is so different out here. But all they can see is a culture unlike theirs in their home country and they feel threatened by it and begin lashing out and saying hurtful things. They have a mental picture of how all of the locals are and they refuse to remove the cover from their eyes to see the locals as pretty cool individuals. Having lived off post for just over a year, I have spent a lot of time around the locals. My son goes to therapy in a place where myself and two other parents are the only English first speaking individuals. But we aren't treated differently. It just saddens me that people refuse to see the beauty and blessing of being surrounded by a different culture.
So I went to PWOC with this heavy on my heart. Having just read that unless you look Hispanic you can forget ever getting a job out here. It broke my heart that someone could be so callus and throw that out there. I get to PWOC and the speaker begins telling us about being all around the US and Germany and how she grew where she was planted.
I have grown here. I have found my place and comfort zone too. I really enjoy the weather, especially since Tennessee is finally thawing out after over two weeks of snow and ice. I like that my kids can learn Spanish right alongside English. I love the Mexican bakeries. I have found that the food out here has so much more flavor than back home. I even have my favorite taco place, and it was a good thing we moved on post because I wanted to eat there every single day.
So whatever happens at the end of the year. Wherever the kids and I end up, I know that we will be okay. I will be able to get our roots in the ground and we will grow strong. Even if it means we stay here, I will continue with PWOC. My new goal is to make more friends. To try and get to know my neighbors even though they hide behind their front doors.
Numbers 13: 30 Caleb quieted the people before Moses, and said, "Let us go up at once and take possession, for ewe are well able to overcome it."
Friday, February 27, 2015
The Illusions of what you think versus what you are
I was born and raised in Tennessee. I only ever lived somewhere else for maybe four years when my Dad was stationed in North Carolina. I lived in Memphis when I was small, but just in time for first grade we moved to a small town between Memphis and Nashville.
I never knew that I was different or better than anyone else, or had trouble making friends until we moved to this tiny town. Off and on until I graduated high school I would never fit in. I was never cool enough, dressed well enough, hair perfect enough, make up flawless, or well versed in whatever was trending. I learned early on that the desire to fit in can make you stand out more. That sometimes no matter how badly you are crushing on someone they may never even notice if you don't walk in their social circles.
By high school I found my place. It was with the head bangers and other misfits. I loved to wear all black, my crushes now had long hair and played in bands and drove muscle cars. I never fully crossed bad girl lines with smoking and drugs and alcohol while in school. It was much easier to toss aside my innocence in the hopes of fitting in, finding a perfect boyfriend, being cool. Yep, you guessed it, it never worked. What a waste that was. It only brought on more insecurities and problems and heart aches. I gained nothing but lost too much.
I graduated, not a stellar student by any means. By this point I was enjoying the tiny bit of social status I thought I had with my so called high school sweet heart and my supervisor position at Hardees. I really thought I was all that and on the up and coming. But again I was just fooling myself. And of course that sham of a relationship turned into a sham of a marriage that quickly fell apart. I was left with very little pride and a lot of broken heart pieces that I couldn't figure out how to mend. The depression was in full swing along with the desire to once again fit in. Why not start smoking and drinking and oh yea they are lonely like me, so why not? You guessed it, even more heartache.
I gave too much of myself to others to use as they would, I thought I found my beauty but in reality it was what I was freely giving that made me beautiful. They didn't want to be with me because I was smart or I had a good job at Walmart they wanted to be with me to get a taste of the honey. Oh what a fool I was.
I found my place once again drinking and partying and pretending I am cool collected well off and connected. I hung out where it was the place to be and with who was the person to be around. I was fake and even told by many friends that I had mastered the art of being fake. I didn't go to college, I just worked and lived with my Dad and drove a truck I couldn't afford that he basically paid for. To sum it up, I was a pretty piece of dog poo.
Then I found myself to be pregnant and the glorified factory job that I so coveted was no more because pregnancy wasn't kind to me. I puked and puked and then puked some more. I learned to hate myself even more. I learned that my true ugliness that I had been running from was shining through. I was terrified and trying to find my way out of the mess, but this was one I couldn't sweet talk my way out of.
There were moments of reality mixed with plenty of depression. Alcohol and bar scenes and smoking and running around with Mr. Right Nows that got me no where and right down the street to trashy and loose and whatever else you wanted to call it. I stumbled around for around ten years. Up one hill and down another until I finally stumbled upon Jesus and got it together. It took a lot of useless men who wanted a dumb pretty face who gave it all any way they wanted to get to Jesus. It was a thorny path in the deepest forest and many dungeons to find my way to Jesus.
But Jesus saved me, he forgave me. I have the life I have now because Jesus loves me and saved me. I may not do all that I should do, I may listen to or watch things that aren't exactly right, but Jesus loves me. I have everything positive in my life because I have Jesus. You to can find Jesus. It is not his will for any of us to perish, but to ever lasting life. Give your heart to Jesus.
Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were sinners, Christ died for us.
I never knew that I was different or better than anyone else, or had trouble making friends until we moved to this tiny town. Off and on until I graduated high school I would never fit in. I was never cool enough, dressed well enough, hair perfect enough, make up flawless, or well versed in whatever was trending. I learned early on that the desire to fit in can make you stand out more. That sometimes no matter how badly you are crushing on someone they may never even notice if you don't walk in their social circles.
By high school I found my place. It was with the head bangers and other misfits. I loved to wear all black, my crushes now had long hair and played in bands and drove muscle cars. I never fully crossed bad girl lines with smoking and drugs and alcohol while in school. It was much easier to toss aside my innocence in the hopes of fitting in, finding a perfect boyfriend, being cool. Yep, you guessed it, it never worked. What a waste that was. It only brought on more insecurities and problems and heart aches. I gained nothing but lost too much.
I graduated, not a stellar student by any means. By this point I was enjoying the tiny bit of social status I thought I had with my so called high school sweet heart and my supervisor position at Hardees. I really thought I was all that and on the up and coming. But again I was just fooling myself. And of course that sham of a relationship turned into a sham of a marriage that quickly fell apart. I was left with very little pride and a lot of broken heart pieces that I couldn't figure out how to mend. The depression was in full swing along with the desire to once again fit in. Why not start smoking and drinking and oh yea they are lonely like me, so why not? You guessed it, even more heartache.
I gave too much of myself to others to use as they would, I thought I found my beauty but in reality it was what I was freely giving that made me beautiful. They didn't want to be with me because I was smart or I had a good job at Walmart they wanted to be with me to get a taste of the honey. Oh what a fool I was.
I found my place once again drinking and partying and pretending I am cool collected well off and connected. I hung out where it was the place to be and with who was the person to be around. I was fake and even told by many friends that I had mastered the art of being fake. I didn't go to college, I just worked and lived with my Dad and drove a truck I couldn't afford that he basically paid for. To sum it up, I was a pretty piece of dog poo.
Then I found myself to be pregnant and the glorified factory job that I so coveted was no more because pregnancy wasn't kind to me. I puked and puked and then puked some more. I learned to hate myself even more. I learned that my true ugliness that I had been running from was shining through. I was terrified and trying to find my way out of the mess, but this was one I couldn't sweet talk my way out of.
There were moments of reality mixed with plenty of depression. Alcohol and bar scenes and smoking and running around with Mr. Right Nows that got me no where and right down the street to trashy and loose and whatever else you wanted to call it. I stumbled around for around ten years. Up one hill and down another until I finally stumbled upon Jesus and got it together. It took a lot of useless men who wanted a dumb pretty face who gave it all any way they wanted to get to Jesus. It was a thorny path in the deepest forest and many dungeons to find my way to Jesus.
But Jesus saved me, he forgave me. I have the life I have now because Jesus loves me and saved me. I may not do all that I should do, I may listen to or watch things that aren't exactly right, but Jesus loves me. I have everything positive in my life because I have Jesus. You to can find Jesus. It is not his will for any of us to perish, but to ever lasting life. Give your heart to Jesus.
Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were sinners, Christ died for us.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Jeremiah 29:11
Today there was a speaker at PWOC who gave her testimony on idols. Her Idol was the Army, and her go to verse which became a crutch was Jeremiah 29:11.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
She explained that for all of her husbands career this was the verse she quoted every time plans changed or it was time to move. As she spoke I realized that I am very similar in that respect. The main reason being my son's health issues. My husband and I know that without the benefits we receive from the Army that our son's quality of life will be much less than it is now. All of the success we have had is because we had access to better insurance and doctors. I am also able to be a say at home mom. Should he leave the Army we would need both of us to work, which would put both kids in daycare and afterschool care, and it means high co-pays.
Since the moment my husband announced that he would like to join the Army I started praying, I began asking everyone for prayer. Next to my son being in the NICU, I'm not sure there was ever another time that I prayed so hard. And of course I read this verse over and over. I began to quote it at every set back. And then he prevailed, goal met and I knew for sure that it was all going according to God's plan. But we don't know what God's plan is for us until he begins to reveal to us what it is.
When I first began to doubt and wonder if we were really following God's will/plan was when hubby decided that he wanted to do Airborne. I was terrified of the place we would be going because all of the wives had very negative things to say. The people I talked to on the post were not overly nice. I began laying my doubt and fears onto my husband and before I know it, he has decided to drop out of Airborne and everything was changing again. I was praying hard, I was clinging to this verse, but I could never be sure again if we really were following God's will.
We ended up in El Paso and again things felt like they were going well, up until the husband announced that he would be deploying at the end of the year. There isn't really a good way to announce such a thing to your significant other, but them being pregnant and overly emotional makes the task much more difficult. So the delivery didn't matter, the reaction I had was over the top and beyond negative. But we made it through the year, baby girl being born and off to Tennessee we went.
I lived a little closer to God than I had been in El Paso, but I was dejected, depressed, stressed and lonely and I couldn't figure out how to cry out to God for help. I had an extremely negative influence that I had given a bit too much control in my life, I had my wonderful church family, and I had my Dad who bless his heart, was trying, who just didn't really know how to help.
To say I live the next year as an overly emotional train wreck would be an understatement. But all along I clung to this verse. And I made it back to El Paso with the kids and the hubby came home and all seemed to being going much better than before the deployment.
As the speaker noted thought there are two other very important verses that come after 29:11 and they are as follows.
Jeremiah 29:12 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.
And this is what struck me, maybe I wasn't LISTENING to God, maybe I wasn't PRAYING hard enough, or basically enough.
So my new goal is to actually listen when I pray. I can do this and whatever happens at the end of this year will be according to God's will, and will be because I prayed with all my heart, believed while praying, and listened and Knew that God had it all under control.
The Lord's Prayer
Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be thy name,
Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
as we forgive us our debts,
as we forgive our debtors,
and do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever
Amen.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
She explained that for all of her husbands career this was the verse she quoted every time plans changed or it was time to move. As she spoke I realized that I am very similar in that respect. The main reason being my son's health issues. My husband and I know that without the benefits we receive from the Army that our son's quality of life will be much less than it is now. All of the success we have had is because we had access to better insurance and doctors. I am also able to be a say at home mom. Should he leave the Army we would need both of us to work, which would put both kids in daycare and afterschool care, and it means high co-pays.
Since the moment my husband announced that he would like to join the Army I started praying, I began asking everyone for prayer. Next to my son being in the NICU, I'm not sure there was ever another time that I prayed so hard. And of course I read this verse over and over. I began to quote it at every set back. And then he prevailed, goal met and I knew for sure that it was all going according to God's plan. But we don't know what God's plan is for us until he begins to reveal to us what it is.
When I first began to doubt and wonder if we were really following God's will/plan was when hubby decided that he wanted to do Airborne. I was terrified of the place we would be going because all of the wives had very negative things to say. The people I talked to on the post were not overly nice. I began laying my doubt and fears onto my husband and before I know it, he has decided to drop out of Airborne and everything was changing again. I was praying hard, I was clinging to this verse, but I could never be sure again if we really were following God's will.
We ended up in El Paso and again things felt like they were going well, up until the husband announced that he would be deploying at the end of the year. There isn't really a good way to announce such a thing to your significant other, but them being pregnant and overly emotional makes the task much more difficult. So the delivery didn't matter, the reaction I had was over the top and beyond negative. But we made it through the year, baby girl being born and off to Tennessee we went.
I lived a little closer to God than I had been in El Paso, but I was dejected, depressed, stressed and lonely and I couldn't figure out how to cry out to God for help. I had an extremely negative influence that I had given a bit too much control in my life, I had my wonderful church family, and I had my Dad who bless his heart, was trying, who just didn't really know how to help.
To say I live the next year as an overly emotional train wreck would be an understatement. But all along I clung to this verse. And I made it back to El Paso with the kids and the hubby came home and all seemed to being going much better than before the deployment.
As the speaker noted thought there are two other very important verses that come after 29:11 and they are as follows.
Jeremiah 29:12 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.
And this is what struck me, maybe I wasn't LISTENING to God, maybe I wasn't PRAYING hard enough, or basically enough.
So my new goal is to actually listen when I pray. I can do this and whatever happens at the end of this year will be according to God's will, and will be because I prayed with all my heart, believed while praying, and listened and Knew that God had it all under control.
The Lord's Prayer
Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be thy name,
Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
as we forgive us our debts,
as we forgive our debtors,
and do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever
Amen.
Twenty Years Later
On May 19, 1995 I graduated high school. No major accomplishments marked my passage from high school into the adult world. I thought I knew it all as I walked off the football field and returned home.
I remember how I was expecting something big and outstanding to happen, some milestone moment, but there were none. My Mom had a small gathering of my closest friends. I remember how happy I was, how I knew that life was finally going to begin for me. My immediate plans included working at Hardees and living at home. My big Senior Trip would be to Florida with my then boyfriend and his family.
Being the large presence they were, they completely dominated that night. Instead of us graduates heading out to all of the parties alone, my then boyfriends mom, dad, brother, brothers girlfriend and tag a along dude they adopted all came along. It wasn't spectacular like I imagined. No one was serving alcohol, because, lets be honest, I didn't drink back then and more importantly I wasn't on the "cool kids" list of people to invite.
The summer after graduation found me moving into an apartment with my then boyfriend and beginning a job in the mall in Nashville at Kirkland's. I had a lot of potential and an even bigger chip on my shoulder. At Hardees I had been a shift manager, and at Kirkland's I was hired as a shift manager. I had the desire to move up, the need to please. But I didn't want to let go of the chain of my then boyfriend and his family. Because I gave in to their every whim for me to be absent, or leave early, I messed up a good opportunity.
At that moment in my life college was something that I had never seriously considered. I basically believed it was out of my reach. Other things like finally fitting in with a crowd, and being with my friends had taken over my priority list. So I graduated high school without a plan or much of a dream.
I was a very unhappy bitter young adult who had no clue how to handle new independence or be in a committed relationship. To be fair to myself, my then partner didn't have a clue either.
Had I really followed my dreams I would have joined the military. Ideally the Marine Corp. What changed the course of my ideal dream was the day the ASVAB was given out I had opted not to take it for fear of not fitting in and missing lunch with my friends. So I opted out. Popularity wasn't something that came readily to me. I was different, I liked to be different, but I also desired to belong, and that is something that I never really mastered back then.
I did my best at Kirkland's, I gave it as much of myself as I could. I made it to hourly assistant manager but could go no higher without a college education. Now this was something I wanted, but I didn't have the drive to accomplish. When my entire world fell apart, I left this job to be a waitress, but that didn't work out. I found myself over the next several years floating from one job to the next.
I also found myself newly single and ready to be free. I began drinking and smoking and getting a whole new list of useless priorities. This led me down the road to making poor decisions that brought me the best thing in my life up to that point, my oldest son.
Now here I am a newly single mother with absolutely no clue how to be a mother and no example on how to be a mother and no friends that were mothers. Now motherly instincts come naturally to some mothers, but they did not for me. I still had this overwhelming desire to fit in. I still wanted to be popular and well, I had this child that I had absolutely no idea what to do with. My own mother tried to help me, but she was so broken that she became more of an enabler than a help.
Somehow in the winter of 1999 I found myself as a substitute teacher and helping out at Workforce Essentials, which was an employment place. Basically my Dad supported my son and I besides the little bit of government assistance I received. I had no concept of how to spend wisely, how to prioritize want verses need, and in that respect my Dad became my enabler.
I have been blessed to have parents who didn't want to say no. That found ways to support my lifestyle and wants even when they were hurtful to me. Why would I say this? They had no idea how bad off I was, how unstable and angry and hurt and lonely I really was. They thought it was all a phase. But it was a lifestyle. I needed to be out there drinking with the best of them. I needed to prove that I was still the bad assed chick I had it in my head that I was. The sad part, I was dragging my child along behind me. I will never in a thousand years be able to make up to my oldest son all of the things that I put him through.
I remember the day I found out that I had financial assistance and been accepted to the local technology center. What should have been a joyous moment was overshadowed by how angry I knew my Dad would be. In order for me to go I had to go full time which meant work part time. It also meant that my Dad would continue to support me. I told him and I heard him tell me to pass on the opportunity. But I didn't. I thought for sure this was my break. That this would be the defining moment of my life where the tables would turn and all would be good.
I started strong despite the snowy day in January 2001. I put everything I had into it. I worked at McDonald's at night. I went to school all day. My mom watched my son, my dad helped me pay bills. I hardly saw my son. The bonus was that for a moment I wasn't drinking or smoking. I was doing the right thing. But I met two girls there and they became my friends. One of those girls introduced me to the bar scene. Up to that point I had been more of the back roads, house party drinking kind of girl. I loved the attention I received when she dragged me up to the dance floor. I was now addicted to the bar scene. To all the opportunities of true love that could be found there. I still talk to the other girl occasionally and she has been a super roll model. I am doing what I am doing now because she showed that it was possible.
For a time I was able to juggle partying on the weekends, work, and school. But it got too overwhelming and I couldn't manage my money and somehow when it was time to start the third and next to the last semester of my schooling I had no money for books. This even after receiving financial assistance. I made a decision to drop out. After all I would walk away with a certificate for "Customer Service/Receptionist" and that should be fine. August of 2001 found me working full time at McDonalds hating every minute of it. I was job hunting and learning fast that my certificate was just a piece of paper.
I caught a break when the health department hired me to be a home visitor and I was for sure that I had a career. But this turned out to be a responsible type of job and I was no where near that. It also required that I clean up my public appearance, which meant staying out of the bars, which I couldn't do. I needed to be a role model to young mothers. I needed to teach them about milestones and how to improve their living circumstances. I honestly do not know how I ever got that job. I was so far from all the things that I needed to be it was laughingly funny that I was in the position. What could have been a great job came as an opportunity when I wasn't mature enough to accept it and I ended up quitting.
I nearly joined the National Guard in the summer of 1999, but by the time I was seriously thinking about it I found out I was pregnant with my oldest. In the winter of 2003 I almost joined the Army Reserves. I just wasn't ready to step into the unknown and afraid to sign custody of my son over.
But here I am now. February 25, 2015 and I have begun online college classes. I am now a mother to three children and the wife of an amazingly supportive man. I have hemmed and hawed about doing this. After all I am doing my dream job, and that is being a stay at home mommy who cooks and cleans and attempts to keep everyone happy and all running smoothly. I was nervous as I logged in and looked at the syllabus. I was also elated that I was here. Finally able to work toward a goal that I can actually reach.
God has been amazing to me. He died on the cross for my sins. He loved me all through my mistakes, even after I turned my back on him in 1997. He waited for me to come back in 2007, and stayed with me as I struggled through 2008, and in 2009 he taught me how to walk on faith to walk without seeing to know that the power of prayer is the most amazing thing out there. I am here now because God loved me so much that he stayed with me in the darkest hours of my life to bring me to this point. To use me to share my life mistakes and help someone else who feels like they are stuck in the mire. I am by no means perfect or above sin or exactly where I need to be in my relationship with God. I am a work in progress.
The other thing that I am pleased with is having gone to that technology school. All these years later after finally convincing myself that the time there was a waste, I was rewarded. I was able to submit my transcripts from the tech center to this college and they reviewed them to see if any of my credits there could be transferred. 21 hours were! That made me feel somewhat better and made me see my goal as more attainable.
I am thankful for the military and the opportunity that as a spouse I can attend a school and receive some financial assistance. God is great and he puts us exactly where he needs us to be. If you are reading this and you are in a dark place, please don't be ashamed. Know that God loves you.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
I remember how I was expecting something big and outstanding to happen, some milestone moment, but there were none. My Mom had a small gathering of my closest friends. I remember how happy I was, how I knew that life was finally going to begin for me. My immediate plans included working at Hardees and living at home. My big Senior Trip would be to Florida with my then boyfriend and his family.
Being the large presence they were, they completely dominated that night. Instead of us graduates heading out to all of the parties alone, my then boyfriends mom, dad, brother, brothers girlfriend and tag a along dude they adopted all came along. It wasn't spectacular like I imagined. No one was serving alcohol, because, lets be honest, I didn't drink back then and more importantly I wasn't on the "cool kids" list of people to invite.
The summer after graduation found me moving into an apartment with my then boyfriend and beginning a job in the mall in Nashville at Kirkland's. I had a lot of potential and an even bigger chip on my shoulder. At Hardees I had been a shift manager, and at Kirkland's I was hired as a shift manager. I had the desire to move up, the need to please. But I didn't want to let go of the chain of my then boyfriend and his family. Because I gave in to their every whim for me to be absent, or leave early, I messed up a good opportunity.
At that moment in my life college was something that I had never seriously considered. I basically believed it was out of my reach. Other things like finally fitting in with a crowd, and being with my friends had taken over my priority list. So I graduated high school without a plan or much of a dream.
I was a very unhappy bitter young adult who had no clue how to handle new independence or be in a committed relationship. To be fair to myself, my then partner didn't have a clue either.
Had I really followed my dreams I would have joined the military. Ideally the Marine Corp. What changed the course of my ideal dream was the day the ASVAB was given out I had opted not to take it for fear of not fitting in and missing lunch with my friends. So I opted out. Popularity wasn't something that came readily to me. I was different, I liked to be different, but I also desired to belong, and that is something that I never really mastered back then.
I did my best at Kirkland's, I gave it as much of myself as I could. I made it to hourly assistant manager but could go no higher without a college education. Now this was something I wanted, but I didn't have the drive to accomplish. When my entire world fell apart, I left this job to be a waitress, but that didn't work out. I found myself over the next several years floating from one job to the next.
I also found myself newly single and ready to be free. I began drinking and smoking and getting a whole new list of useless priorities. This led me down the road to making poor decisions that brought me the best thing in my life up to that point, my oldest son.
Now here I am a newly single mother with absolutely no clue how to be a mother and no example on how to be a mother and no friends that were mothers. Now motherly instincts come naturally to some mothers, but they did not for me. I still had this overwhelming desire to fit in. I still wanted to be popular and well, I had this child that I had absolutely no idea what to do with. My own mother tried to help me, but she was so broken that she became more of an enabler than a help.
Somehow in the winter of 1999 I found myself as a substitute teacher and helping out at Workforce Essentials, which was an employment place. Basically my Dad supported my son and I besides the little bit of government assistance I received. I had no concept of how to spend wisely, how to prioritize want verses need, and in that respect my Dad became my enabler.
I have been blessed to have parents who didn't want to say no. That found ways to support my lifestyle and wants even when they were hurtful to me. Why would I say this? They had no idea how bad off I was, how unstable and angry and hurt and lonely I really was. They thought it was all a phase. But it was a lifestyle. I needed to be out there drinking with the best of them. I needed to prove that I was still the bad assed chick I had it in my head that I was. The sad part, I was dragging my child along behind me. I will never in a thousand years be able to make up to my oldest son all of the things that I put him through.
I remember the day I found out that I had financial assistance and been accepted to the local technology center. What should have been a joyous moment was overshadowed by how angry I knew my Dad would be. In order for me to go I had to go full time which meant work part time. It also meant that my Dad would continue to support me. I told him and I heard him tell me to pass on the opportunity. But I didn't. I thought for sure this was my break. That this would be the defining moment of my life where the tables would turn and all would be good.
I started strong despite the snowy day in January 2001. I put everything I had into it. I worked at McDonald's at night. I went to school all day. My mom watched my son, my dad helped me pay bills. I hardly saw my son. The bonus was that for a moment I wasn't drinking or smoking. I was doing the right thing. But I met two girls there and they became my friends. One of those girls introduced me to the bar scene. Up to that point I had been more of the back roads, house party drinking kind of girl. I loved the attention I received when she dragged me up to the dance floor. I was now addicted to the bar scene. To all the opportunities of true love that could be found there. I still talk to the other girl occasionally and she has been a super roll model. I am doing what I am doing now because she showed that it was possible.
For a time I was able to juggle partying on the weekends, work, and school. But it got too overwhelming and I couldn't manage my money and somehow when it was time to start the third and next to the last semester of my schooling I had no money for books. This even after receiving financial assistance. I made a decision to drop out. After all I would walk away with a certificate for "Customer Service/Receptionist" and that should be fine. August of 2001 found me working full time at McDonalds hating every minute of it. I was job hunting and learning fast that my certificate was just a piece of paper.
I caught a break when the health department hired me to be a home visitor and I was for sure that I had a career. But this turned out to be a responsible type of job and I was no where near that. It also required that I clean up my public appearance, which meant staying out of the bars, which I couldn't do. I needed to be a role model to young mothers. I needed to teach them about milestones and how to improve their living circumstances. I honestly do not know how I ever got that job. I was so far from all the things that I needed to be it was laughingly funny that I was in the position. What could have been a great job came as an opportunity when I wasn't mature enough to accept it and I ended up quitting.
I nearly joined the National Guard in the summer of 1999, but by the time I was seriously thinking about it I found out I was pregnant with my oldest. In the winter of 2003 I almost joined the Army Reserves. I just wasn't ready to step into the unknown and afraid to sign custody of my son over.
But here I am now. February 25, 2015 and I have begun online college classes. I am now a mother to three children and the wife of an amazingly supportive man. I have hemmed and hawed about doing this. After all I am doing my dream job, and that is being a stay at home mommy who cooks and cleans and attempts to keep everyone happy and all running smoothly. I was nervous as I logged in and looked at the syllabus. I was also elated that I was here. Finally able to work toward a goal that I can actually reach.
God has been amazing to me. He died on the cross for my sins. He loved me all through my mistakes, even after I turned my back on him in 1997. He waited for me to come back in 2007, and stayed with me as I struggled through 2008, and in 2009 he taught me how to walk on faith to walk without seeing to know that the power of prayer is the most amazing thing out there. I am here now because God loved me so much that he stayed with me in the darkest hours of my life to bring me to this point. To use me to share my life mistakes and help someone else who feels like they are stuck in the mire. I am by no means perfect or above sin or exactly where I need to be in my relationship with God. I am a work in progress.
The other thing that I am pleased with is having gone to that technology school. All these years later after finally convincing myself that the time there was a waste, I was rewarded. I was able to submit my transcripts from the tech center to this college and they reviewed them to see if any of my credits there could be transferred. 21 hours were! That made me feel somewhat better and made me see my goal as more attainable.
I am thankful for the military and the opportunity that as a spouse I can attend a school and receive some financial assistance. God is great and he puts us exactly where he needs us to be. If you are reading this and you are in a dark place, please don't be ashamed. Know that God loves you.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
The Root Canal
Today I went to the Endodontics's to have my root canal finished. I went thinking it would go without a hitch, just like the first part of it did. Well, for the most part it did, but I am here to tell you it was painful!
Because they recommended taking Ibuprofen 800 milligrams and the dentist was more than 20 miles from my house I decided to have my wonderful husband drive me over there. It is a really nice drive if you are the passenger. You drive on I-10 West around the Franklin Mountains. You can see just how big El Paso is, and you can even see into Ciudad Juarez in Mexico.
Now being the big control freak that I am, I have it all mapped out how I want it to go. Daughter's diaper bag is packed and ready to go the night before. I explain to the husband that at exactly 8:55 a.m. I want everyone in the car so we can drop our daughter off at the sitter and then head out. Does it go according to plan? Almost.
We did make it into the car at the correct time, but then the hubby decides that he needs his computer so he can do work stuff while waiting on me. He also almost pulls out of the driveway to go the wrong way. He first thought that he would be watching our daughter while I was in my appointment and that it wasn't all the way on the West Side of El Paso. So once we got this all figured out, it was almost 9:05, lucky for us the sitter is pretty much around the block from us. I get her inside where she does the whole "You can't leave me, I hate it here" screaming deal, which I am sure was for my husband's benefit as she never cries when I drop her off by myself. Then as we leave the neighborhood hubby decides that he should put air in the tire. So by the time we get all of this taken care of we are heading toward I-10 at 9:20 a.m.
I am almost in a panic, but I have also been using my "Mommy's Time Out" oil, so I know I will be okay. The receptionist has told me over and over that I must arrive 15 minutes prior to my appointment. But the traffic wasn't heavy and it was easy to find. That is a rarity for us because we usually get all turned around when we head over to the West Side.
Our conversation was a tiny bit what we would pay verses what the insurance would pay. We also discussed the pros and cons of Dollywood Verses Disney World. This coming from the recent price increase at the Disney Parks. I explained that I felt like when you compared the prices of a Disney Check to car payments or paychecks it made it seem like a terrible investment. I have also been to Disney as a pre-kid adult and wasn't too impressed. It was so commercialized and just not something that I would want to take my kids to. I remember it being hot and long lines. Now Dollywood I have also been to and I remember it with fond memories.
I went to Dollywood with my Grandparents on my Dad's side. They took my sister and I the summer that I turned 12. It was the last summer with spent with my Grandmother as she died the following spring. I remember my grandparents riding just about every ride with us and the shows. I also remember the second day that we were there we were cold after the water rides. I loved the Dolly Parton museum, even as a 12 year old. So I explained to hubby that yes Dollywood would be a place I would like to take my kids.
We arrived at my appointment and I feel the anxiety and yes, I have my "Mommy's Time Out" and hubby is laughing as I roll it onto my neck and arms. It really does work though. Paperwork filled out and then they call me back. The X-Ray was very uncomfortable and hard to keep in place and I drooled all over the place. Embarrassing and Gross!
The Dentist comes in and he is a very nice guy. We talk Ruidoso NM and Tennessee and then he gets started. I always hate the numbing shots they give you in the beginning, and I am fairly certain I started off with close to five, I lost count. So I worked through that pain and then the procedure started. My right eye had this weird twitch where it wanted to close and the left of my face was nearly paralyzed. At first I just feel pressure, nothing too bad and I keep my eyes closed so that I won't see the scary instruments.
I focus on calm thoughts. Thoughts of flying to Michigan to see my Mom and other relatives next summer. I picture the suitcase that will be large enough to hold all of our clothes and each of the kids with a little backpack, and I with my ACU bag. And then I start thinking of all the baking I will want to do there and how I will need another smaller suitcase so I can take my bread loaf pans and drying racks and two cookbooks and then PAIN! The dentist stops and says that it is odd that he could do one canal but I would still feel pain when he starts the second. Even more odd since I had all the classic signs of being numb.
None of this is any consolation and I'm already uncomfortable due to all the contraptions holding open my mouth in an uncomfortable position. So at least another four more shots and the pain was gone. It was harder for me to drift off far away the second time. I could only feel the silly things holding open my mouth and when I would open my eyes I would see needles or pins, not sure what they were, but they didn't look friendly.
Finally the entire thing was over and true to their word the entire process took two hours. The Dentist was kind enough to explain everything to me. He also explained that he would be giving me a cell number to reach him if I needed to. I was thankful for all the kindness displayed there.
I came out to the lobby with the left side of my face immobile and the right side of my face attempting to work properly. My husband loved that my left eye remained open even while my right eye was doing this weird half wink twitch. He told me that it was freaking me out in a funny way. I love this man, he always makes me laugh even when I can't feel half of my face. It was difficult for me to see out of my left eye for awhile also. It was open, but blurry. I am really glad that he went with me. Driving on I-10 makes me nervous on a normal day, I was imaging how much more nervous I would have been after that procedure.
Even after coming home I attempted to eat yogurt and that went okay, but it still took several hours before I could even drink from a straw. My daughter never took a nap, so I took ten minute naps where I would fall asleep but wake up to something being stuck in my face.
Now I am awake and waiting on the hubby to get home. He said I don't have to cook tonight so it is going to be either Subway or Taco Bell.
Both kids are home and my face feels more normal, but I can feel the pain trying to come back in my mouth and you better bet that when hubby is home to supervise the kiddos I will take a pain pill.
Romans 8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
Because they recommended taking Ibuprofen 800 milligrams and the dentist was more than 20 miles from my house I decided to have my wonderful husband drive me over there. It is a really nice drive if you are the passenger. You drive on I-10 West around the Franklin Mountains. You can see just how big El Paso is, and you can even see into Ciudad Juarez in Mexico.
Now being the big control freak that I am, I have it all mapped out how I want it to go. Daughter's diaper bag is packed and ready to go the night before. I explain to the husband that at exactly 8:55 a.m. I want everyone in the car so we can drop our daughter off at the sitter and then head out. Does it go according to plan? Almost.
We did make it into the car at the correct time, but then the hubby decides that he needs his computer so he can do work stuff while waiting on me. He also almost pulls out of the driveway to go the wrong way. He first thought that he would be watching our daughter while I was in my appointment and that it wasn't all the way on the West Side of El Paso. So once we got this all figured out, it was almost 9:05, lucky for us the sitter is pretty much around the block from us. I get her inside where she does the whole "You can't leave me, I hate it here" screaming deal, which I am sure was for my husband's benefit as she never cries when I drop her off by myself. Then as we leave the neighborhood hubby decides that he should put air in the tire. So by the time we get all of this taken care of we are heading toward I-10 at 9:20 a.m.
I am almost in a panic, but I have also been using my "Mommy's Time Out" oil, so I know I will be okay. The receptionist has told me over and over that I must arrive 15 minutes prior to my appointment. But the traffic wasn't heavy and it was easy to find. That is a rarity for us because we usually get all turned around when we head over to the West Side.
Our conversation was a tiny bit what we would pay verses what the insurance would pay. We also discussed the pros and cons of Dollywood Verses Disney World. This coming from the recent price increase at the Disney Parks. I explained that I felt like when you compared the prices of a Disney Check to car payments or paychecks it made it seem like a terrible investment. I have also been to Disney as a pre-kid adult and wasn't too impressed. It was so commercialized and just not something that I would want to take my kids to. I remember it being hot and long lines. Now Dollywood I have also been to and I remember it with fond memories.
I went to Dollywood with my Grandparents on my Dad's side. They took my sister and I the summer that I turned 12. It was the last summer with spent with my Grandmother as she died the following spring. I remember my grandparents riding just about every ride with us and the shows. I also remember the second day that we were there we were cold after the water rides. I loved the Dolly Parton museum, even as a 12 year old. So I explained to hubby that yes Dollywood would be a place I would like to take my kids.
We arrived at my appointment and I feel the anxiety and yes, I have my "Mommy's Time Out" and hubby is laughing as I roll it onto my neck and arms. It really does work though. Paperwork filled out and then they call me back. The X-Ray was very uncomfortable and hard to keep in place and I drooled all over the place. Embarrassing and Gross!
The Dentist comes in and he is a very nice guy. We talk Ruidoso NM and Tennessee and then he gets started. I always hate the numbing shots they give you in the beginning, and I am fairly certain I started off with close to five, I lost count. So I worked through that pain and then the procedure started. My right eye had this weird twitch where it wanted to close and the left of my face was nearly paralyzed. At first I just feel pressure, nothing too bad and I keep my eyes closed so that I won't see the scary instruments.
I focus on calm thoughts. Thoughts of flying to Michigan to see my Mom and other relatives next summer. I picture the suitcase that will be large enough to hold all of our clothes and each of the kids with a little backpack, and I with my ACU bag. And then I start thinking of all the baking I will want to do there and how I will need another smaller suitcase so I can take my bread loaf pans and drying racks and two cookbooks and then PAIN! The dentist stops and says that it is odd that he could do one canal but I would still feel pain when he starts the second. Even more odd since I had all the classic signs of being numb.
None of this is any consolation and I'm already uncomfortable due to all the contraptions holding open my mouth in an uncomfortable position. So at least another four more shots and the pain was gone. It was harder for me to drift off far away the second time. I could only feel the silly things holding open my mouth and when I would open my eyes I would see needles or pins, not sure what they were, but they didn't look friendly.
Finally the entire thing was over and true to their word the entire process took two hours. The Dentist was kind enough to explain everything to me. He also explained that he would be giving me a cell number to reach him if I needed to. I was thankful for all the kindness displayed there.
I came out to the lobby with the left side of my face immobile and the right side of my face attempting to work properly. My husband loved that my left eye remained open even while my right eye was doing this weird half wink twitch. He told me that it was freaking me out in a funny way. I love this man, he always makes me laugh even when I can't feel half of my face. It was difficult for me to see out of my left eye for awhile also. It was open, but blurry. I am really glad that he went with me. Driving on I-10 makes me nervous on a normal day, I was imaging how much more nervous I would have been after that procedure.
Even after coming home I attempted to eat yogurt and that went okay, but it still took several hours before I could even drink from a straw. My daughter never took a nap, so I took ten minute naps where I would fall asleep but wake up to something being stuck in my face.
Now I am awake and waiting on the hubby to get home. He said I don't have to cook tonight so it is going to be either Subway or Taco Bell.
Both kids are home and my face feels more normal, but I can feel the pain trying to come back in my mouth and you better bet that when hubby is home to supervise the kiddos I will take a pain pill.
Romans 8:18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
Monday, February 23, 2015
Good Morning with Love
Today was an unrushed morning for me. I knew hubby would be running a minimum of three miles today, so I decided to make him something a little special.
I started by chopping up tomato, onion, red bell pepper, half of a jalapeno pepper. I then added some olive oil to a skillet and let it warm up. Once warmed up, I added the vegetables and let them get soft. Once soft, I added three eggs. This is a loose version of Juevos Mexicanos.
I also made some bacon, but it was a little crunchy today, and some sausage. In a separate skillet I scrambled eggs for my daughter and I.
To top it all off, I made tortillas from scratch. Now that I have figured out how to make the mix, I actually prefer to serve these. It not only saves us at the grocery store, but they taste a lot better than the ones from the store.
The point was for me to show the husband some extra TLC, and to let him know that I understood how hard it is for him to get up early go run several miles, and then go to work. I try to cook something every morning for my husband. On the mornings that I can't, I feel like I am letting him down even though I know he is perfectly capable of cooking his own breakfast.
Because we cook breakfast so often, our kids don't like cereal or pop tarts much. My daughter thinks that pop tarts are cookies, and well, they really are.
Give your family a good start to their day if you can, and cook them a yummy breakfast. They will appreciate it.
I remember growing up with my mom, and how she rarely cooked breakfast. If she felt like it on the weekends she would make a blueberry muffin mix. It was one of those packaged ones where you just add water and it only made six. Or she might make biscuits from a can with sausage links, rarely sausage patties. Not much bacon was ever made in our house. Weekdays my sister and I were on our own. It was pop tarts or cereal. I don't think she ever didn't cook breakfast out of laziness. I think it was more that she didn't know how important it was or how much of a bond it could instill with us. She grew up with a minimum of love and didn't know how to extend the love to us.
My dream is to one day cook for her the way that I cook for my kids. To make her fresh breads and muffins and biscuits from scratch and eggs and bacon and sausage. I want to show her how food is a wonderfully simple way of expressing your love and gratitude for someone one. That a good breakfast prepared and served with family and friends is the very best start for any day. Sadly my Mom isn't well enough to appreciate this. She lives in a bubble where somewhere along the way she has convinced herself that my sister who rarely calls is the best daughter and I who calls all the time is conniving and a trouble make and not to be trusted.
It is my biggest prayer that my Mom can learn to forgive those who hurt her in the past, and to want to start over with my sister and I. I know that through God this is possible, I just need to keep praying for her, for our relationship, and for my Aunts who will be opening their homes to her soon.
Isaiah 64:8 But now, O Lord, You are our father; We are the clay, and You our potter; and all wea re the work of your hand.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Trial Run: Tuesday
Tonight I almost cried, it was the first time since my husband walked out our front door to begin his adventure that I wanted to cry. I could feel the tears welling up, but they didn't spill over. Tonight the kids ruled the house. I was at a place where I couldn't get the situation under control. I can't believe that I let myself get to the point that I lost my focus, that I began to let the reins of control slip from my grasp, but I did.
It started as a beautiful day where I woke up thirty minutes before my alarm. It started well with everyone playing their roll just the way they should. I decided yesterday that I should go to a neighborhood Doterra oils class, and I am very glad that I did. I learned a lot. The sad part is that those wonderful smelling helpful oils add up in price quickly. I treated myself to three trial blends that the Consultant had. One is Mommy's time out for when I feel overwhelmed or anxious, and two are for my sweet daughter. One is Taming the Hulk for temper tantrums and the other is Capturing the squirrel for attention. They all worked well! Now I want to buy more. I also loved the distiller that she had running with a calming oil. Well we shall have to see what the hubby says when he gets home.
Then my daughter and I came home and I worked on my blog most of the afternoon. I feel like it is where I need it to be, now just to keep it there. I also managed to take a little nap before time to head out to pick up my son. Traffic was horrible, but the bonus was my daughter took a nap in the van, so I didn't have to get her out of the van. We just sat in the van for an hour and a half. I was actually able to read my book.
Salmon patties, corn, and mac n cheese for supper. My daughter didn't really eat, but my son did. And that's where the breaking point began. When we came home the kids went outside with the dog and he wouldn't potty outside, so he went potty upstairs on my clean carpet! I was so frustrated and disappointed. While the kids splashed in the tub I scrubbed that carpet and got it looking pretty good. And downstairs we came, but I couldn't get back into my groove, I couldn't seem to get my floors mopped.
I called my Dad to talk about Brian Williams and his six month suspension from NBC. So sad to hear that he lied! I always had great respect for him as a news anchor. So we talked about that and we talked about my daughter who was so hyper, I ended up putting more oils on her to tame her some, and it worked. We talked about my root canal tomorrow. About my meal plan for tomorrow. I started to unravel. I used my oil and some of the thread fell back into place. But then my friend A who no longer lives in El Paso, but moved home, called. So good to hear from her and the adventures her and the kids are having back East in the snow. I mentioned to her my plight as I was coming to view the upcoming root canal. She said that I should get to know my neighbors, and I explained that you have to see neighbors first.
Here in this huge neighborhood everyone keeps to themselves. The kids may be outside, but odds are the parents are not. If you wave at people as you pass by they don't wave back. If you speak to them at the playground they keep their answers short. I have only met one really nice Mom at the playground. So after talking to her I proceeded to sweep and try to mop again. But now the panic and hopelessness had set in. The Consultant from earlier in the day, who is also another really cool mom that I sometimes talk to stopped by with some tomatoes. I had posted on my FB page that I didn't have any and I needed them for tomorrow. She knew what my plans were for tomorrow, so she brought me two. That was very sweet. We talked oils.
I spoke to my husband briefly this morning, it made me miss him more, it made me sad because I forgot to tell him about the zoo membership. I just really didn't know what to say to him and I think he had just woken up and was calling to touch base. So after baths the kids began squabbling and when I got on to them my son begins crying and telling me he doesn't like me. He likes Poppy and Poppy isn't here and he misses him and he wants to talk to him. So in all my bad Spanish I call my In-Laws home number and the hubby isn't there, but I had a small chat with my father-in-law. I next try the cell phone number and get my mother-in-law but my husband isn't there either. He is at an Aunts house that I don't have the number to. So my son is crying for poppy and I am lost. I can't make myself mop, I can't make the kids hear my voice tell them to go to bed. Instead I call my Dad again.
My Dad is like a rock. I would be lost without him. I call and give him my entire 100 page list of complaints and worries and ailments and fear of a root canal. He patiently talks me through it. The gist of it is that while my husband is visiting his grandfather and helping out his parents with his care, he is still sort of on a vacation. He was on gate detail most of January and into the beginning of February. He had just come off the detail when he left. When he comes home it will be a long year of on again and off again separation due to Army stuff and it is all making me an emotional train wreck. Somehow the older I get, or maybe it's the older the kids get, the more emotional I get. I did get to speak to my oldest son for a very brief few minutes.
So as the tears threatened to fall, I called the Family Readiness leader. I explained to her my situation, my fears and she offered to lend me some support with my kids. And she assured me it will all be okay. She is even going to meet me at the dentist just in case I can't drive home. I am so grateful for the Army family. If you allow them to help you, there is a wealth of support. I know my husband may frown on me just a tiny bit for reaching out, but I need the back up. I need to know I am not alone. And even though my Dad was kind enough to point out that I am nearly at the halfway point until my husband gets home, the five days since he left have felt more like a year.
My son gave me a huge hug and then he ran off to bed. I know God will get me through this. I know that my husband will be home soon and we will fall back into our routine and I won't feel so much like I am walking on the edge of the cliff, I just have to get through the rest of the week.
The stranger that dwells with you.... love him as yourself.
Leviticus 19:34
It started as a beautiful day where I woke up thirty minutes before my alarm. It started well with everyone playing their roll just the way they should. I decided yesterday that I should go to a neighborhood Doterra oils class, and I am very glad that I did. I learned a lot. The sad part is that those wonderful smelling helpful oils add up in price quickly. I treated myself to three trial blends that the Consultant had. One is Mommy's time out for when I feel overwhelmed or anxious, and two are for my sweet daughter. One is Taming the Hulk for temper tantrums and the other is Capturing the squirrel for attention. They all worked well! Now I want to buy more. I also loved the distiller that she had running with a calming oil. Well we shall have to see what the hubby says when he gets home.
Then my daughter and I came home and I worked on my blog most of the afternoon. I feel like it is where I need it to be, now just to keep it there. I also managed to take a little nap before time to head out to pick up my son. Traffic was horrible, but the bonus was my daughter took a nap in the van, so I didn't have to get her out of the van. We just sat in the van for an hour and a half. I was actually able to read my book.
Salmon patties, corn, and mac n cheese for supper. My daughter didn't really eat, but my son did. And that's where the breaking point began. When we came home the kids went outside with the dog and he wouldn't potty outside, so he went potty upstairs on my clean carpet! I was so frustrated and disappointed. While the kids splashed in the tub I scrubbed that carpet and got it looking pretty good. And downstairs we came, but I couldn't get back into my groove, I couldn't seem to get my floors mopped.
I called my Dad to talk about Brian Williams and his six month suspension from NBC. So sad to hear that he lied! I always had great respect for him as a news anchor. So we talked about that and we talked about my daughter who was so hyper, I ended up putting more oils on her to tame her some, and it worked. We talked about my root canal tomorrow. About my meal plan for tomorrow. I started to unravel. I used my oil and some of the thread fell back into place. But then my friend A who no longer lives in El Paso, but moved home, called. So good to hear from her and the adventures her and the kids are having back East in the snow. I mentioned to her my plight as I was coming to view the upcoming root canal. She said that I should get to know my neighbors, and I explained that you have to see neighbors first.
Here in this huge neighborhood everyone keeps to themselves. The kids may be outside, but odds are the parents are not. If you wave at people as you pass by they don't wave back. If you speak to them at the playground they keep their answers short. I have only met one really nice Mom at the playground. So after talking to her I proceeded to sweep and try to mop again. But now the panic and hopelessness had set in. The Consultant from earlier in the day, who is also another really cool mom that I sometimes talk to stopped by with some tomatoes. I had posted on my FB page that I didn't have any and I needed them for tomorrow. She knew what my plans were for tomorrow, so she brought me two. That was very sweet. We talked oils.
I spoke to my husband briefly this morning, it made me miss him more, it made me sad because I forgot to tell him about the zoo membership. I just really didn't know what to say to him and I think he had just woken up and was calling to touch base. So after baths the kids began squabbling and when I got on to them my son begins crying and telling me he doesn't like me. He likes Poppy and Poppy isn't here and he misses him and he wants to talk to him. So in all my bad Spanish I call my In-Laws home number and the hubby isn't there, but I had a small chat with my father-in-law. I next try the cell phone number and get my mother-in-law but my husband isn't there either. He is at an Aunts house that I don't have the number to. So my son is crying for poppy and I am lost. I can't make myself mop, I can't make the kids hear my voice tell them to go to bed. Instead I call my Dad again.
My Dad is like a rock. I would be lost without him. I call and give him my entire 100 page list of complaints and worries and ailments and fear of a root canal. He patiently talks me through it. The gist of it is that while my husband is visiting his grandfather and helping out his parents with his care, he is still sort of on a vacation. He was on gate detail most of January and into the beginning of February. He had just come off the detail when he left. When he comes home it will be a long year of on again and off again separation due to Army stuff and it is all making me an emotional train wreck. Somehow the older I get, or maybe it's the older the kids get, the more emotional I get. I did get to speak to my oldest son for a very brief few minutes.
So as the tears threatened to fall, I called the Family Readiness leader. I explained to her my situation, my fears and she offered to lend me some support with my kids. And she assured me it will all be okay. She is even going to meet me at the dentist just in case I can't drive home. I am so grateful for the Army family. If you allow them to help you, there is a wealth of support. I know my husband may frown on me just a tiny bit for reaching out, but I need the back up. I need to know I am not alone. And even though my Dad was kind enough to point out that I am nearly at the halfway point until my husband gets home, the five days since he left have felt more like a year.
My son gave me a huge hug and then he ran off to bed. I know God will get me through this. I know that my husband will be home soon and we will fall back into our routine and I won't feel so much like I am walking on the edge of the cliff, I just have to get through the rest of the week.
The stranger that dwells with you.... love him as yourself.
Leviticus 19:34
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