The Illusions of what you think versus what you are

I was born and raised in Tennessee. I only ever lived somewhere else for maybe four years when my Dad was stationed in North Carolina. I lived in Memphis when I was small, but just in time for first grade we moved to a small town between Memphis and Nashville.

I never knew that I was different or better than anyone else, or had trouble making friends until we moved to this tiny town. Off and on until I graduated high school I would never fit in. I was never cool enough, dressed well enough, hair perfect enough, make up flawless, or well versed in whatever was trending. I learned early on that the desire to fit in can make you stand out more. That sometimes no matter how badly you are crushing on someone they may never even notice if you don't walk in their social circles.

By high school I found my place. It was with the head bangers and other misfits. I loved to wear all black, my crushes now had long hair and played in bands and drove muscle cars. I never fully crossed bad girl lines with smoking and drugs and alcohol while in school. It was much easier to toss aside my innocence in the hopes of fitting in, finding a perfect boyfriend, being cool. Yep, you guessed it, it never worked. What a waste that was. It only brought on more insecurities and problems and heart aches. I gained nothing but lost too much.

I graduated, not a stellar student by any means. By this point I was enjoying the tiny bit of social status I thought I had with my so called high school sweet heart and my supervisor position at Hardees. I really thought I was all that and on the up and coming. But again I was just fooling myself. And of course that sham of a relationship turned into a sham of a marriage that quickly fell apart. I was left with very little pride and a lot of broken heart pieces that I couldn't figure out how to mend. The depression was in full swing along with the desire to once again fit in. Why not start smoking and drinking and oh yea they are lonely like me, so why not? You guessed it, even more heartache.

I gave too much of myself to others to use as they would, I thought I found my beauty but in reality it was what I was freely giving that made me beautiful. They didn't want to be with me because I was smart or I had a good job at Walmart they wanted to be with me to get a taste of the honey. Oh what a fool I was.

I found my place once again drinking and partying and pretending I am cool collected well off and connected. I hung out where it was the place to be and with who was the person to be around. I was fake and even told by many friends that I had mastered the art of being fake. I didn't go to college, I just worked and lived with my Dad and drove a truck I couldn't afford that he basically paid for. To sum it up, I was a pretty piece of dog poo.

Then I found myself to be pregnant and the glorified factory job that I so coveted was no more because pregnancy wasn't kind to me. I puked and puked and then puked some more. I learned to hate myself even more. I learned that my true ugliness that I had been running from was shining through. I was terrified and trying to find my way out of the mess, but this was one I couldn't sweet talk my way out of.

There were moments of reality mixed with plenty of depression. Alcohol and bar scenes and smoking and running around with Mr. Right Nows that got me no where and right down the street to trashy and loose and whatever else you wanted to call it. I stumbled around for around ten years. Up one hill and down another until I finally stumbled upon Jesus and got it together. It took a lot of useless men who wanted a dumb pretty face who gave it all any way they wanted to get to Jesus. It was a thorny path in the deepest forest and many dungeons to find my way to Jesus.

But Jesus saved me, he forgave me. I have the life I have now because Jesus loves me and saved me. I may not do all that I should do, I may listen to or watch things that aren't exactly right, but Jesus loves me. I have everything positive in my life because I have Jesus. You to can find Jesus. It is not his will for any of us to perish, but to ever lasting life. Give your heart to Jesus.

Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were sinners, Christ died for us.