Trial Run: Monday.

I woke up today feeling somewhat better and refreshed. I rolled out of bed at 6:30 a.m. just as my daughter came toddling into my room. I was a woman with a plan. I even made a to-do list, which is something that I rarely do, and if I do, I never follow it.

So my little list read something like this:

vacuum
clean all three bathrooms
put all laundry away

 would like to do:
catch up on blog posts (Which at 9p.m. I finally started doing)
begin stain remover on carpets

Dinner:
attempt homemade tortillas for cheese and chicken roll ups add refried beans and left over corn

By 1p.m. I had the very first part of my list done. I worked on it in a somewhat orderly fashion starting with carpets and moving on to the bathrooms. The stain remover was a Pinterest idea. Two parts water one part vinegar in a spray bottle. Spray carpet put damp cloth over area use steam setting on iron and stain should come up if it is organic. It did very well, I was impressed.

I got my daughter some lunch and I was really contemplating a nap when I saw that the El Paso Zoo would be giving military families free zoo memberships, so I loaded up my daughter and we went to the building on post to get a membership. I can't wait until the husband is home so I can tell him about this. I know that he will be happy because our one from last year is expiring and the kids love going there. So this is a thing to be very thankful for. An opportunity not to pass up.

Getting the clothes put away was much easier without all of the husbands uniforms and socks and PT clothes. I got that wiped out quickly, and then realized the last load of clothes is still in the dryer.

Mostly I sat in my house in between bouts of business and contemplated how much easier it gets each day to move on from the point of being two to just one acting as two. The phone call I received this morning warmed my heart, but also made me feel a tad lonely. By the time I received it, I was well into my busy bee status and felt almost resentful. Shame on me. I thought how far I have come in just two short years.

Two years ago I couldn't even begin to contemplate cooking meals for the kids, let alone tackle homemade food. I am fairly certain that when I have to do this for real, I will just step off the platform of super mom and wife and right onto the platform of super mom acting as dad also. I think I may not have it all together every single day, that I might find myself crying and then wiping away the tears and moving on. The weakness I had before is absent this time, maybe because it isn't such a long time I have to do it all. And then as I am mopping the floors I catch myself thinking of all that I want to do on Friday before picking him up. Basically it will be today's busyness times about 3. But I can do it right?

I was also thinking about how we will pick him up and he will walk in the door and maybe he will smell the clean floors, but he probably won't notice that the carpets are a tad cleaner, that the sheets are clean, that all the laundry is put away, and not sitting in the basket waiting on me to hand it out as each person takes a shower. I was thinking that maybe all the busy work I am pushing myself to do, will go unnoticed, unappreciated. He will be returning from a family visit, albeit one under trying circumstances. But I am no fool, I know that he will have most likely had the tiniest bit of fun. I will also know and be understanding of the fact that this could very well be his last trip for awhile.

It will feel good to have him next to me at night. To see him in the mornings and to know that on Saturday I won't be making the pancakes, and on Sunday he will be preparing breakfast while I do my hair and make up. The kids will be laughing and happier than they have been the entire time they were with me. Bless my son's heart each day he hugs me and tells me how much he loves me. Maybe he notices that underneath the impossibly high standards that I set for myself, that I am lonely. I am intimidated, I am trying very hard to keep the word fun higher on the list than the word survival. I have a primal need to prove that I can do it all and come out on top but at the same time I have a desire to be appreciated to feel loved and satisfied.

I keep waiting for the phone to ring or text messages to come through. Support from the outside, but none do. But how could that become a reality if no one knows what is happening. Maybe I have cut myself off a little bit from the outside world. Maybe I am holding on too tight to the semblance of normalcy, but who really knows, all that matters is that I have put another day behind me. The kids ate well, I really did succeed at making the homemade tortillas, and they were really yummy. The kids liked playing outside and drawing on the sidewalk with chalk. I gave the dog bunches of cuddles today. I kissed my kids many times. I tried to smile each time my daughter interrupted my progress, I think I did a good job. Homework went blissfully fast and well. Bath time was a breeze and we all ate ice cream together.

Yes, somehow I think I may have found myself underneath all of the mayhem.


You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever. Psalm 16:11