Twenty Years Later

On May 19, 1995 I graduated high school. No major accomplishments marked my passage from high school into the adult world. I thought I knew it all as I walked off the football field and returned home.

I remember how I was expecting something big and outstanding to happen, some milestone moment, but there were none. My Mom had a small gathering of my closest friends. I remember how happy I was, how I knew that life was finally going to begin for me. My immediate plans included working at Hardees and living at home. My big Senior Trip would be to Florida with my then boyfriend and his family.

Being the large presence they were, they completely dominated that night. Instead of us graduates heading out to all of the parties alone, my then boyfriends mom, dad, brother, brothers girlfriend and tag a along dude they adopted all came along. It wasn't spectacular like I imagined. No one was serving alcohol, because, lets be honest, I didn't drink back then and more importantly I wasn't on the "cool kids" list of people to invite.

The summer after graduation found me moving into an apartment with my then boyfriend and beginning a job in the mall in Nashville at Kirkland's. I had a lot of potential and an even bigger chip on my shoulder. At Hardees I had been a shift manager, and at Kirkland's I was hired as a shift manager. I had the desire to move up, the need to please. But I didn't want to let go of the chain of my then boyfriend and his family. Because I gave in to their every whim for me to be absent, or leave early, I messed up a good opportunity.

At that moment in my life college was something that I had never seriously considered. I basically believed it was out of my reach. Other things like finally fitting in with a crowd, and being with my friends had taken over my priority list. So I graduated high school without a plan or much of a dream.

I was a very unhappy bitter young adult who had no clue how to handle new independence or be in a committed relationship. To be fair to myself, my then partner didn't have a clue either.

Had I really followed my dreams I would have joined the military. Ideally the Marine Corp. What changed the course of my ideal dream was the day the ASVAB was given out I had opted not to take it for fear of not fitting in and missing lunch with my friends. So I opted out. Popularity wasn't something that came readily to me. I was different, I liked to be different, but I also desired to belong, and that is something that I never really mastered back then.

I did my best at Kirkland's, I gave it as much of myself as I could. I made it to hourly assistant manager but could go no higher without a college education. Now this was something I wanted, but I didn't have the drive to accomplish. When my entire world fell apart, I left this job to be a waitress, but that didn't work out. I found myself over the next several years floating from one job to the next.

I also found myself newly single and ready to be free. I began drinking and smoking and getting a whole new list of useless priorities. This led me down the road to making poor decisions that brought me the best thing in my life up to that point, my oldest son.

Now here I am a newly single mother with absolutely no clue how to be a mother and no example on how to be a mother and no friends that were mothers. Now motherly instincts come naturally to some mothers, but they did not for me. I still had this overwhelming desire to fit in. I still wanted to be popular and well, I had this child that I had absolutely no idea what to do with. My own mother tried to help me, but she was so broken that she became more of an enabler than a help.

Somehow in the winter of 1999 I found myself as a substitute teacher and helping out at Workforce Essentials, which was an employment place. Basically my Dad supported my son and I besides the little bit of government assistance I received. I had no concept of how to spend wisely, how to prioritize want verses need, and in that respect my Dad became my enabler.

I have been blessed to have parents who didn't want to say no. That found ways to support my lifestyle and wants even when they were hurtful to me. Why would I say this? They had no idea how bad off I was, how unstable and angry and hurt and lonely I really was. They thought it was all a phase. But it was a lifestyle. I needed to be out there drinking with the best of them. I needed to prove that I was still the bad assed chick I had it in my head that I was. The sad part, I was dragging my child along behind me. I will never in a thousand years be able to make up to my oldest son all of the things that I put him through.

I remember the day I found out that I had financial assistance and been accepted to the local technology center. What should have been a joyous moment was overshadowed by how angry I knew my Dad would be. In order for me to go I had to go full time which meant work part time. It also meant that my Dad would continue to support me. I told him and I heard him tell me to pass on the opportunity. But I didn't. I thought for sure this was my break. That this would be the defining moment of my life where the tables would turn and all would be good.

I started strong despite the snowy day in January 2001. I put everything I had into it. I worked at McDonald's at night. I went to school all day. My mom watched my son, my dad helped me pay bills. I hardly saw my son. The bonus was that for a moment I wasn't drinking or smoking. I was doing the right thing. But I met two girls there and they became my friends. One of those girls introduced me to the bar scene. Up to that point I had been more of the back roads, house party drinking kind of girl. I loved the attention I received when she dragged me up to the dance floor. I was now addicted to the bar scene. To all the opportunities of true love that could be found there. I still talk to the other girl occasionally and she has been a super roll model. I am doing what I am doing now because she showed that it was possible.

For a time I was able to juggle partying on the weekends, work, and school. But it got too overwhelming and I couldn't manage my money and somehow when it was time to start the third and next to the last semester of my schooling I had no money for books. This even after receiving financial assistance. I made a decision to drop out. After all I would walk away with a certificate for "Customer Service/Receptionist" and that should be fine. August of 2001 found me working full time at McDonalds hating every minute of it. I was job hunting and learning fast that my certificate was just a piece of paper.

I caught a break when the health department hired me to be a home visitor and I was for sure that I had a career. But this turned out to be a responsible type of job and I was no where near that. It also required that I clean up my public appearance, which meant staying out of the bars, which I couldn't do. I needed to be a role model to young mothers. I needed to teach them about milestones and how to improve their living circumstances. I honestly do not know how I ever got that job. I was so far from all the things that I needed to be it was laughingly funny that I was in the position. What could have been a great job came as an opportunity when I wasn't mature enough to accept it and I ended up quitting.

I nearly joined the National Guard in the summer of 1999, but by the time I was seriously thinking about it I found out I was pregnant with my oldest. In the winter of 2003 I almost joined the Army Reserves. I just wasn't ready to step into the unknown and afraid to sign custody of my son over.

But here I am now. February 25, 2015 and I have begun online college classes. I am now a mother to three children and the wife of an amazingly supportive man. I have hemmed and hawed about doing this. After all I am doing my dream job, and that is being a stay at home mommy who cooks and cleans and attempts to keep everyone happy and all running smoothly. I was nervous as I logged in and looked at the syllabus. I was also elated that I was here. Finally able to work toward a goal that I can actually reach.

God has been amazing to me. He died on the cross for my sins. He loved me all through my mistakes, even after I turned my back on him in 1997. He waited for me to come back in 2007, and stayed with me as I struggled through 2008, and in 2009 he taught me how to walk on faith to walk without seeing to know that the power of prayer is the most amazing thing out there. I am here now because God loved me so much that he stayed with me in the darkest hours of my life to bring me to this point. To use me to share my life mistakes and help someone else who feels like they are stuck in the mire. I am by no means perfect or above sin or exactly where I need to be in my relationship with God. I am a work in progress.

The other thing that I am pleased with is having gone to that technology school. All these years later after finally convincing myself that the time there was a waste, I was rewarded. I was able to submit my transcripts from the tech center to this college and they reviewed them to see if any of my credits there could be transferred. 21 hours were!  That made me feel somewhat better and made me see my goal as more attainable.

I am thankful for the military and the opportunity that as a spouse I can attend a school and receive some financial assistance. God is great and he puts us exactly where he needs us to be. If you are reading this and you are in a dark place, please don't be ashamed. Know that God loves you.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.