Tonight I almost cried, it was the first time since my husband walked out our front door to begin his adventure that I wanted to cry. I could feel the tears welling up, but they didn't spill over. Tonight the kids ruled the house. I was at a place where I couldn't get the situation under control. I can't believe that I let myself get to the point that I lost my focus, that I began to let the reins of control slip from my grasp, but I did.
It started as a beautiful day where I woke up thirty minutes before my alarm. It started well with everyone playing their roll just the way they should. I decided yesterday that I should go to a neighborhood Doterra oils class, and I am very glad that I did. I learned a lot. The sad part is that those wonderful smelling helpful oils add up in price quickly. I treated myself to three trial blends that the Consultant had. One is Mommy's time out for when I feel overwhelmed or anxious, and two are for my sweet daughter. One is Taming the Hulk for temper tantrums and the other is Capturing the squirrel for attention. They all worked well! Now I want to buy more. I also loved the distiller that she had running with a calming oil. Well we shall have to see what the hubby says when he gets home.
Then my daughter and I came home and I worked on my blog most of the afternoon. I feel like it is where I need it to be, now just to keep it there. I also managed to take a little nap before time to head out to pick up my son. Traffic was horrible, but the bonus was my daughter took a nap in the van, so I didn't have to get her out of the van. We just sat in the van for an hour and a half. I was actually able to read my book.
Salmon patties, corn, and mac n cheese for supper. My daughter didn't really eat, but my son did. And that's where the breaking point began. When we came home the kids went outside with the dog and he wouldn't potty outside, so he went potty upstairs on my clean carpet! I was so frustrated and disappointed. While the kids splashed in the tub I scrubbed that carpet and got it looking pretty good. And downstairs we came, but I couldn't get back into my groove, I couldn't seem to get my floors mopped.
I called my Dad to talk about Brian Williams and his six month suspension from NBC. So sad to hear that he lied! I always had great respect for him as a news anchor. So we talked about that and we talked about my daughter who was so hyper, I ended up putting more oils on her to tame her some, and it worked. We talked about my root canal tomorrow. About my meal plan for tomorrow. I started to unravel. I used my oil and some of the thread fell back into place. But then my friend A who no longer lives in El Paso, but moved home, called. So good to hear from her and the adventures her and the kids are having back East in the snow. I mentioned to her my plight as I was coming to view the upcoming root canal. She said that I should get to know my neighbors, and I explained that you have to see neighbors first.
Here in this huge neighborhood everyone keeps to themselves. The kids may be outside, but odds are the parents are not. If you wave at people as you pass by they don't wave back. If you speak to them at the playground they keep their answers short. I have only met one really nice Mom at the playground. So after talking to her I proceeded to sweep and try to mop again. But now the panic and hopelessness had set in. The Consultant from earlier in the day, who is also another really cool mom that I sometimes talk to stopped by with some tomatoes. I had posted on my FB page that I didn't have any and I needed them for tomorrow. She knew what my plans were for tomorrow, so she brought me two. That was very sweet. We talked oils.
I spoke to my husband briefly this morning, it made me miss him more, it made me sad because I forgot to tell him about the zoo membership. I just really didn't know what to say to him and I think he had just woken up and was calling to touch base. So after baths the kids began squabbling and when I got on to them my son begins crying and telling me he doesn't like me. He likes Poppy and Poppy isn't here and he misses him and he wants to talk to him. So in all my bad Spanish I call my In-Laws home number and the hubby isn't there, but I had a small chat with my father-in-law. I next try the cell phone number and get my mother-in-law but my husband isn't there either. He is at an Aunts house that I don't have the number to. So my son is crying for poppy and I am lost. I can't make myself mop, I can't make the kids hear my voice tell them to go to bed. Instead I call my Dad again.
My Dad is like a rock. I would be lost without him. I call and give him my entire 100 page list of complaints and worries and ailments and fear of a root canal. He patiently talks me through it. The gist of it is that while my husband is visiting his grandfather and helping out his parents with his care, he is still sort of on a vacation. He was on gate detail most of January and into the beginning of February. He had just come off the detail when he left. When he comes home it will be a long year of on again and off again separation due to Army stuff and it is all making me an emotional train wreck. Somehow the older I get, or maybe it's the older the kids get, the more emotional I get. I did get to speak to my oldest son for a very brief few minutes.
So as the tears threatened to fall, I called the Family Readiness leader. I explained to her my situation, my fears and she offered to lend me some support with my kids. And she assured me it will all be okay. She is even going to meet me at the dentist just in case I can't drive home. I am so grateful for the Army family. If you allow them to help you, there is a wealth of support. I know my husband may frown on me just a tiny bit for reaching out, but I need the back up. I need to know I am not alone. And even though my Dad was kind enough to point out that I am nearly at the halfway point until my husband gets home, the five days since he left have felt more like a year.
My son gave me a huge hug and then he ran off to bed. I know God will get me through this. I know that my husband will be home soon and we will fall back into our routine and I won't feel so much like I am walking on the edge of the cliff, I just have to get through the rest of the week.
The stranger that dwells with you.... love him as yourself.
Leviticus 19:34
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